Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

1 bedroom and roommate.
Yes, she was just being polite when you asked the first time--did you say MY BOYFRIEND IS COMING OVER, any issues? What did you two agree on when deciding to move into together.
If I were in the same situation, I would feel odd-man-out in my own place trying to compensate for nicy nicy. How far did she think you and BF were going to go that night? Who knows. But you left it wide open without rules going into the shared apartment. Makes for sticky.
What if she decided to sit out with you and BF discussing things, flirting, making uncomfortable conversation, etc. YOU would have felt odd-man-out in your apartment.
As the Annies suggested, take the visits elsewhere or do it as a unit with both. Apparently she does not have a boyfriend, and I don't think this is a jealousy issue. It is Cinderella being forced to sit by the fireplace when the step-sisters get the nice rooms. Your word SEQUESTED was about right. Or banished without words.

If things can't work through, you will need to find another apartment. Or at least bring up the conversation. NO--well, if I can't have my BF here, I may as well move---TALK.
You are 2 adults, best learn to live in close quarters for more than a couple months. Decide together if a certain length of time shows it won't work together--and make sure your contract with the landlord is open to moving out sooner than the lease states.
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LW1: OH HONEY, keep your clothes on! The pitter patter may be the sound of walking the pavement looking for a new job. Open yourself up to all sorts of issues if you decide to profess your feelings to YOUR BOSS. Did they do a background check on you when you started working there? Any obsessive behaviors? Maybe this is puppy love, the kind boys get on their teachers--the sort of admiration a boy has for his mom--can't do any wrong and she looks pretty----
Take a giant step back. If your BOSS decides to INDICATE to you she is more than your boss, be careful there too. You will be out on your ear, for sure. Now you decide whether it is worth 'testing the waters'.
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LW3: I forgot, was this behavior is dear sister's home or all the time?
Lady, if it is in your home, just pull the HEY KNOCK IT OFF card. I put up with no crap--remind them of their manners and they better use them. The rule of our family is who ever is nearest when something goes on deals with it. So, pretty much the same information the LW Auntie was saying.

LW2- If all your boyfriend and you are doing is watching tv, then do you mind doing this with your room mate present? Invite the room mate to join you watching television, or maybe you can all play cards together or something. She may not feel so odd if you include her in some of the activities. This is, of course, if you are comfortable with this and your boyfriend as well. You will know whether your room mate is comfortable based on her attitude afterwards, or you can ask her before the visit. Nothing is more odd than having a stranger in your apartment. Try including her a little. I have a feeling this will help alleviate some tension.

It would also be good to perhaps do some one-on-one activities with your bf outside the house or at his place.

LW2: I had a roommate like that once. She was, and is, a good friend of mine (I've known her 30 years) but what I found out living with her is that she has a different concept of home than I do.

I have a very large family, and our house was always filled with people. It was not unusual for us to have three or four extra people over nightly for dinner and generally we had an open door policy. My roommate/friend? She is from a smaller family and her home is very quiet (her mom was very welcoming for guests though, nice lady). When I moved out and into college, I kept that up, but my roommate didn't like it so I cut back. When I started dating my boyfriend, well, that was hard. They hated each other: my roommate resented him being there, my boyfriend got tired of her attitude.

Eventually, I had to make a choice. I chose to move because then I could save the friendship. We just live two separate ways. Ironically, now she entertains a lot, and I don't barely at all (she's got the time and I don't) so you could say the tables have turned.

You may need to make a choice as well. I don't think involving your roommate with stuff with your boyfriend is going to work. I would talk to her though.

PS: This falls under the catagory of Life Lesson Learned. I learned that living with friends is not necessarily a great idea. After I moved out from that situation, I moved into a house with people who I knew, but didn't socialize a lot with. Sure, every year we'd have a big party and have everybody over, but most of my social life was with other people. Also, make sure this is addressed up front before you move in. My feeling is that you should probably move, because it's also likely that your friend is jealous of your social life. My friend/roommate was (and admits it to me now). If you want to save the friendship, start looking for another place to live.

LW1: NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!! Do Not date anybody in a managerial role that affects your job EVER! Most companies have policies about this, but I wouldn't even attempt to cross the line! A few weeks ago, we had a letter from a young lady who was apparently close enough to her direct supervisor to want to set her up with a friend of her boyfriends (then the boyfriend hit on the boss!) and we all went balistic here BTL. Don't mix your personal life with your business life.

As for your statement "There are certain things she does around me that come across as flirting, but it's possible I am misreading her." I commend you. Sincerely, I take my fuzzy warm sweater hat off to you. It's excellent that you are aware that what you THINK are signs of flirtation may not be. Moving forward, if you meet someone who you think is flirting with you, watch how they interact with other people. Some people are just naturally outgoing. A friend of mine was named in a sexual harrassment lawsuit (completely unfounded but settled out of court nonetheless) because she's one of these people who touches people on the arms to show sympathy. Well, one guy (it only takes ONE jackass to do this, I feel so sorry for this lady) named her because he's gay and said she was coming on to him. What? First of all this lady is about 70 years old, is a greatgrandma and loves everyone, but this guy decided to read her body language completely wrong (didn't hurt his lawsuit either). This woman is now afraid to be herself at the office: she's walking on eggshells all the time. Last week I was at lunch with her and she pulled back when I gave her a hug: she's totally afraid to show emotions to people now. So unfair.

Point being that you need to be careful on how you interpret things and it sounds like you are. Kudos to you!
PS: If you ever are in a position where the lady in question is not in your department, you start by taking her to lunch and take it from there. I know many people who met their spouses at work, it does happen and is often a great place to meet potential mates. But don't do it while you are working together!!

WOW, creators crashes on Christmas Eve. so sad.

Glad it's back up! Merry Christmas everyone!

To the smitten employee: back that up! Stop listening to what you THINK you see in this woman. You will only create tension in the office. Find someone outside of work you can pay attention to. If you are that good a catch, you will find her. But NOT THE BOSS.

LW 1 - Don't know if LW is male or female, could be either, but still, it doesn't matter if you have strong feelings, don't pursue. As others have posted, not a good idea to get romantically involved in the workplace especially a manager. Yeah, you could be finding yourself looking for work elsewhere. Cool your jets and get back to work.


LW 2 - Roomie was probably nice about it the first time you asked about BF coming around for a visit, but now it's probably old. Even tho it may only be once a week he stops by, maybe the two of you can go elsewhere, such as, go for a walk in the park, to a movie, go for a cup of coffee, bowling, so on. Roomie may be having a hard time making friends and no one is stopping by to visit with her. If you value her friendship and sharing a place, then cut her some slack, give her some privacy, too.


It's almost 11 PM here in Germany. It's Christmas day here for everyone. Everything closed up at 1 PM, so employees could spend this time with family. They put up their tree, have dinner, go to church, then open the presents. When our son was in the 3rd grade, he came home one day from school, shortly before the Christmas break, told me that his classmates open their presents on the 24th, why couldn't he. I told him that we celebrate OUR Christmas on the 25th. But, I told him that he could open 1 small present on Christmas eve. Needless to say, over the years, it went from one present to opening all of them. So, that's what we do now. I wondered how long that was going to take before he realized he was the only one not opening presents on the 24th. LOL.


Merry Christmas to the Annie's and to all the posters. Frohe Weihnachten !!
Let there be Peace on Earth !!

I guess it's our Christmas gift BTL that Creators is up and running again! I wonder what happened.

LW1-
"One of my managers" doesn't specify on which end of the hierarchical stick you are here. In either case, there are a few things missing in the Annies' answer.

"Is this woman in a position of authority over you? If so, any relationship could put her job in jeopardy"
Or yours, if you're the one over her.

"You still have to be around this person every day — or quit your job"
Or be fired. Some companies' policies involve immediate dismissal of both employees the minute they get involved. And that's because there have been too many cases of the workplace turning into a war zone after two employees got involved and then unamicably split. Relationships don't always end well, some people are jerks and the workplace gets awkward at best when you have to work every day with someone who bedded you and then didn't treat you well - especially if that person continues to be a jerk.

And that is valid even with someone who would be your perfect equal. Even that is rife with pitfalls, as you can get slapped with a sexual harassment lawsuit if you've misreading the flirting, as you're aware you may be.

Bottom line: DON'T TOUCH IT. If you REALLY want to make a move, wait until you've left the company.

P.S.: Unless you've lined up your ducks in a row and have something certain waiting in the wings, I don't suggest, in this economy, that you leave your job over this - as you MAY be misreading her. A lot of people - men and women both - are lightly flirt as part of their personality.

LW2-
I can understand how cramped the two of you are sharing an apartment with only one bedroom, but you've been considerate enough to ask ahead of time, she says she doesn't mind and then she's a b*tch about "not minding". I don't know if she was being "polite" as Joyce suggests, but there are times when too much politeness amounts to cowardly hypocrisy and outright lying - she said she didn't mind and she minds PLENTY. Frankly, I prefer someone blunt - at least you know where you stand.

Either she's jealous or your social life, jealous of your sex life (even though there hasn't been any in front of HER), or jealous of YOU - because she likes your boyfriend. Maria is right. Visit with him somewhere else. And look for another place to move to - hopefully a bigger one if you're going to have a roommate. This looks too small to share.

And certainly not with her - this is someone with whom communication is useless because she's dishonest about her answers. What's the point on discussing anything and agreeing on whatever with someone who can't admit what she thinks and what she wants even when you ask point-blank? Mention this incident next time you interview for a roommate and make it a rule that this will not be tolerated.

You didn't mention that this was an intimate friend, so hopefully not much is being lost here. If she is a close friend, perhaps moving out ASAP can save the friendship - if the lease is in her name and you can find a roommate replacement so not to leave her in the lurch. If the lease is in your name, perhaps you can still find a roommate replacement and manage your responsibilities from outside until the end of the lease.

I have a close friend of 40 years myself whom I wouldn't live with to save my life - we'd end up enemies within a week. I love her like a sister, but not under my roof. Forget it. No can do. Living with a friend often looks "like a good idea at the time", but really isn't. Three frequent ways to ruin a friendship:

1. Common romantic interest
2. Lending money
3. Living together

Bottom line - DON'T TOUCH IT - again.

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MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! If you have to drive, keep in mind a lot of people on the roads are stone drunk and cops can't be everywhere. Be extra prudent and have eyes in the back of your head. And slow down - better get there later than never! A lot of people's future Christmases are going to be stark reminders of their losses - don't be one of them.

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Re: Gwen
The fact that the object of LW's fancy is a woman points to the LW being a man unless otherwise specified... It would certainly make situation even thornier than it already is if this was two women, which I don't think it is, because this is too important dn element to leave out.

Frohe Weihnachten to you too!

Hey, the Annie's are back! I thought maybe the site crashed for good! (Well, bad, but you know what I mean)
Well, I guess I'm the old fashioned odd ball in the group, but I think LW1 should ask the woman out. If they enjoy each others company, why not? Really, the worst thing that can happen is that she says no. I suppose we could be ultra super careful and tell him to keep it all in, in the unlikely event that the woman would freak out and start screaming sexual harrassment, but quite honestly, it seems like a reach. True, it would be worse than no, but I don't think most people are like that. I think he'd have noticed if she seemed bitchy or unstable by now, and you'd have to be to go around crying sexual harrasment just because someone respectfully asked you to have a cup of coffee. The odds are good that she'd be delighted, if she seems interested. Sure it might only be in his mind, and he'd be embarrassed, but that's a risk you take any time you put yourself out there.
I think he should be encouraged to go with his heart. It's like it's a crime these days to let your love light shine, like youre a freak or something, but in my book emotional bravery is the gift that keeps on giving. It's easy to say, sure, and believe me I've failed spectacularly in matters of the heart and wound up with my heart on my sleeve and my pants around my ankle. It burns. For real. Once, I tried to be all indirect about it and mentioned that I had an interest in a guy in my cubicle, who joked with me a lot and who I thought was also interested. Well, that blew up in my face, as said cutie thought I meant a different guy, when of course, I was talking about cutie himself. I could have kicked myself, trying to be sideways and wrecking the thing. And another time I got all drunk at an after party karaoke bar and flashed a coworker, who apparently was not interested. Majorly humilating. I never tried that one again, cause I felt like crap on a cracker when I was rejected. And yet another time ,I killed myself trying to impress this guy with my work and he told me he didn't like me or my work, and already had a girlfriend. Depressing, you bet. Felt ready to die of the shame and the failure.
But you know what? This ego takes a lickin, and a kickin but keeps on tickin, cause it's better to be a fool than a chicken. As the song says, I get knocked down but I get up again. If the answer is "No, you're a hideous loser, what were you thinking'?" , Well, I'll wish I was dead for a while, but I won't actually die. I won't flip my lid if you say it was all a misunderstanding, either. You know?
Would you want to wonder forever whether you missed your golden opportunity?I wouldn't, I'd rather know, yes or no. Old people who are ready to cash in their haul ALWAYS say, I regret the things I DIDN"T do, far more than the things I did.
So I say, ask her. Then at least he'll know one way or the other. Plus, she may have her own feelings and opinions about how to navigate a workplace romance, and certainly her feelings carry more weight than what any of us or the Annie's say. As long as everybody is an adult about it, a rejection or even a later break up can be hassle free if both people resolve to be cool about it. It's true. People survive workplace romances. People find love at work. It happens. It's good to think about your choices, but not to the point where you talk yourself out of things you'd really like to do.
Well that's my Chriistmas Eve sermon. Fear not. Nobody ever would do anything really worthwhile is fear ruled the heart.
Hope the Annie's and all the regulars are having a lovely day, even those who don't really enjoy the holidays. nothing wrong with that, at all. In fact, I hope those people are especially happy today. Not because it's a holiday, but because it's a regular day, and you are loved. Either way.
Happy Festivus!

Wow the answers to LW2 remind me why I refused to live with anyone I wasn`t related to or sleeping with. Can't believe you guys think she should entertain elsewhere when he comes by less than once a week and roomie said it was fine. Roomie sounds like a right beeyotch to get all out of order about one night a week. And you'll note roomie is sequestering herself, not by orders of she with the BF.

That said, a one bedroom apartment is way too small to share. In many places that isn't even legal unless it's a couple.

Re: wkh

Frankly, I don't think she should have to either as she is not the one who's being a sourpuss, but sometimes it's better to just let it go even when you,re the one in the right, rather than make life miserable for everyone.

LW1--I agree with the Annies in that if you're a subordinate, you should not mix business with pleasure. On the other hand, you shouldn't ignore your instincts and possibly miss out on meeting what could be the love of your life. My advice would be to invite your manager out to lunch one day "to discuss work" and then during the course of pleasant conversation test the waters subtly with regards to how she might feel about office romances, etc. If she's interested in you as more than a valued employee, you'll be able to tell by her body language and demeanor. If there is mutual interest, then you should check your company's policy regarding personal relationships in the workplace and take appropriate action to safeguard both your jobs. If you decide to proceed with a romantic relationship with your (former) manager my advice is to keep it strictly on your own time and completely aboveboard. No canoodling at lunch, making googly eyes across the break room, playing footsy in the boardroom or warm embraces in the parking lot. And don't come into work together!
LW2--Your roommate is apparently one of those people who speaks with a forked tongue. She apparently also thinks you're telepathic. She's happy to give her consent for your boyfriend to come over to the apartment but then she simmers in anger and resentment when he does. She skulks off in a huff because she resents that you're encroaching upon what she perceives as her personal space. It doesn't seem to me as if your time spent with your boyfriend in the apartment is inappropriate or in any way unusual or excessive. You need to have a frank conversation with your roommate in which you say something along the lines of "Violet, I would love to have Chuck over this evening but you seem to get pissy when he's here and sullen afterwards. Is there a problem with his visits or not?" If she insists she's not upset, then why not invite her to hang out with you and your boyfriend. I would also take the Annies advice to spend more time at his place. Trust me, you don't want to enter into a silent war with your roommate. It's not worth it.

Re: Chris
"If she's interested in you as more than a valued employee, you'll be able to tell by her body language and demeanor. "
I don't know about that, Chris. Recent research has shown that men are remarkably clueless when it comes to interpreting whether or not a woman is interested and many men actually have it all completely a$$backwards!

The best way to know for sure would be to come clean about it, but if they're not equals on the corporate ladder, he can get slapped with a harassment complaint, and if they are equals, there are still the problems I mentioned in my post. Checking with HR isn't applicable in a small company and anyway, for many the policies in such cases are unwritten and unadmitted. I used to work in a place like that.

It's really a problem because statistically, the place of work is very often where people meet their spouses.

P.S.: Merry Christmas. I assume you're either writing from a different time zone, or what celebrations you have are tomorrow as for me!

Me, I'm glad you "keep on tickin' " despite the rejection. Hang in there.

Why the near obsession with he sexuality of the letter writers? Who cares?

The letter writer also ddnt disclose their races or ethnic backgrounds. Or hair colour or shoe size.

I dare suggest it matters not.

LW1
A budding relationship is not a perquisite of any employment. Remain professional and mind your Ps & Qs. It will be better for your long term prospects.
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