Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1-
I see several red flags here.
1. Even the colleague was aware of the "attraction".
2. He never mentioned the several lunches together with her.
3. He stops texting the minute you catch him at it.
4. Several hints dropped from his own mouth.

This doesn't look good. The bit about the co-worker saying "it was probably just an office flirtation between two married colleagues" sounds like he was trying to convince himself, and was trying to walk a fine line because he didn't want to be the one responsible for ruckus in his ex-colleague's marriage. Do check his e-mails, and his texts if you can. Whether it's a full-blown affair already or a fantasy/flirtation on its way there, you need to know where you stand.

Remind him of what he's already admitted in his own words before you confront him, moving on to what you learned from the co-worker and then from his e-mails and texts. This has to stop. If he won't, book an appointment with a counselor. If he won't go, go alone and decide whether you're better off with or without him.

LW1 - sometimes people have instincts that tell them things even when the evidence isn't there, and maybe that's your situation. However, it seems like what you suspect your husband of is having lunch with someone 3 YEARS AGO and not telling you about it? And stopping texting when you entered the room? some people call it being polite to put away the phone & pay attention to the person who is with them. It doesn't sound like your husband has even seen this woman since he left his job. By the way, I retired 3 years ago, & I miss my opposite sex colleagues almost every day. We had lunch together every day, usually in the company cafeteria but sometimes at restaurants. None of this has anything to do with how I feel about my spouse. Maybe you should invite Dolly to have lunch with you & your hubby sometime so you can check out the situation in person. Annie's advice is way off the mark. If my spouse suggested we go for counseling because I mentioned missing people I was work friends with for decades or because I used to eat lunch with them, his irrational jealousy would be our first topic when we met with the counselor.

LW1 - sometimes people have instincts that tell them things even when the evidence isn't there, and maybe that's your situation. However, it seems like what you suspect your husband of is having lunch with someone 3 YEARS AGO and not telling you about it? And stopping texting when you entered the room? some people call it being polite to put away the phone & pay attention to the person who is with them. It doesn't sound like your husband has even seen this woman since he left his job. By the way, I retired 3 years ago, & I miss my opposite sex colleagues almost every day. We had lunch together every day, usually in the company cafeteria but sometimes at restaurants. None of this has anything to do with how I feel about my spouse. Maybe you should invite Dolly to have lunch with you & your hubby sometime so you can check out the situation in person. Annie's advice is way off the mark. If my spouse suggested we go for counseling because I mentioned missing people I was work friends with for decades or because I used to eat lunch with them, his irrational jealousy would be our first topic when we met with the counselor.

LW1 - sometimes people have instincts that tell them things even when the evidence isn't there, and maybe that's your situation. However, it seems like what you suspect your husband of is having lunch with someone 3 YEARS AGO and not telling you about it? And stopping texting when you entered the room? some people call it being polite to put away the phone & pay attention to the person who is with them. It doesn't sound like your husband has even seen this woman since he left his job. By the way, I retired 3 years ago, & I miss my opposite sex colleagues almost every day. We had lunch together every day, usually in the company cafeteria but sometimes at restaurants. None of this has anything to do with how I feel about my spouse. Maybe you should invite Dolly to have lunch with you & your hubby sometime so you can check out the situation in person. Annie's advice is way off the mark. If my spouse suggested we go for counseling because I mentioned missing people I was work friends with for decades or because I used to eat lunch with them, his irrational jealousy would be our first topic when we met with the counselor.

LW 1 - your husband's interest in Dolly may be an office flirtation. Or on the other hand, it could be an innocent a friendship. Our culture is sickeningly quick to jump to the conclusion that any friendship between a man and woman has to be sexual, has to be a threat to a marriage, etc.

It's obvious that you view Dolly, and any woman your husband develops a friendship with, as a threat. It would be nice if you could get over seeing things that way. The problem is that this creates tension where there was one, stinks up your relationship with your husband, and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If my husband had business lunches with a female co-worker and told me her liked her, I'd ask him to tell me all about her, and if she sounded interesting, ask him to invite her to join us for dinner. I have male friends and my husband has never acted in the least threatened by them.

Your husband said openly that he missed Dolly's company, that she was a nice person and he liked her. If he said these things to you, it's highly unlikely anything was going on.

The Annie's suggestion of counseling is not a bad one, but go into it willing to look at your own attitudes, not as a way of forcing conformity and controlling all of his friendships with your fears. Do you really want a husband whose every emotion you control and whose every friendship you stand watching over like a hawk? Would you want him to be like that with you?

Kai Archie, thanks for your post, you said what I was trying to say and may have said it better.

lw1- There isn't enough evidence to accuse the husband of an affair. I also agree having lunch with a co-worker a few times does not automatically indicate an affair. He may not have mentioned it for several reasons: he didn't think it mattered, he knew you would become jealous even though there was no "relationship", he forgot, he didn't think you'd care, etc. The list goes on and on. It does not appear he gave you any reason to question his loyalty during his actual employment. I take it to mean there was no extended, unexplained abscence of your husband. Also, it is normal to miss former co-workers, especially with retirement. I am not even retired and I miss former co-workers from my former work places. We had lots of fun together. Also, co-workers cannot always be the best source for whether there was an affair or not. This "office flirtation" could have just been gossip because they were good friends. I also had good friends of the opposite sex at former work places, and according to the grape vine I was having steamy affairs with all of them. I have never cheated on my husband. We were just friends, but the gossip spoke other wise. On the other hand, some of the gossip was true about others... I only know cause I saw the kisses and such with my own eyes. I am basically saying you cannot always trust office gossip.

As for the texting, he may have looked flustered because he knew you were already jealous and would be mad about his texts and communication with Dolly, despite whether or not there was an actual affair. I do think he was probably texting Dolly. this is not proof of an affair; however, it is proof he is not being open and honest with you, which is a requirement in marriage. The fact he hides texts with someone, friend or more, is proof of a lack of trust. This does indicate your marriage is in trouble, as well as your suspicions and newly acquired inability to trust your spouse. The Annies are right. You do need to have an open heart to heart talk with your husband, and ask him to go with you for counseling. You both need to start being honest with one another about how you feel and your actions, even if they are just friends.

lw2- I can relate to this. I have social anxiety problems too. Talking to others makes me so nervous and tense, and the entire time I am worrying over what the other thinks about me, whether or not I am doing good enough. I also have trouble eating infront of others. I worry about what the other person thinks of me when I eat, whether I look like a greed, gluttonous pig- and I am skinny at 105 lbs 5'4" to top it off! I am not anorexic. I eat fine when I am by myself or with my husband. This probably trails back to my childhood when people tried to cram food down my throat commenting about how I was too skinny. I would already be eating my food when they would tell me to "clean my plate" or "put more food on it" or "is that all you are going to eat?" I would immediately clam up and not be able to take another bite of my food.

This is how I get through the holidays. I sit with my friends and family, and then simply listen to them talk. Usually only a couple of sentences leave my mouth the entire time I am there. I make sure to thank them, be polite, and smile. Large crowds are very nerve wracking, but the good part is they require less talking because you can then just listen to everyone else talk. It's not like communicating one on one with someone which is extremely nerve wracking cause they are looking right at you and then you have to keep up a good conversation.

I get through the eating part by doing something very similar to the Annies. I put a small amount of food on my plate and sit at the table with everyone else, then I make sure not to talk at all and focus completely on my food. By shutting everyone else out, I can at least eat a little bit of the meal. I usually think of a pleasant memory I have, like swimming at the beach, to calm myself down. It gets easier each time it is done. My social anxiety is not as bad as when I was younger, though it is worse than a couple of years ago, but this is only because I keep getting shot down at job interviews and when I finally do on a rare occasion get hired, I end up losing my job mere weeks or months later (lay-offs, termination with no reason after they tell me how good I am doing... and I know it is not my fault cause I am always granted unemployment... I live in an "at will employment" state).

It is important to remember all you really need to do, except at interviews, is listen to the other person and remain polite. I've done this, and although I am not the one people invite out, my relatives adore me because I listen. Since I also have social anxiety, I also know the truth. You really want to be part of those social gatherings, right? I started small with alone picnics in the park and at the beach in areas where there were people, but they were a bit away and not focused on me, then I upgraded to lone meals in restaurants. Start small, and work your way up. Remember, you do not have to talk when you eat. If people try to talk to you, just say, "Sorry, I don't talk when I eat." It has always worked for me.

Re: kai archie
I dunno, man. I don't want to generalise as whatever I've seen doesn't constitute a Gallup poll, but what I've seen so far, is many more women capable of being platonic with a man than the other way around. The co-worker was trying to downplay it because he didn't want to stir trouble, but he did admit they were strongly attracted (evidently, the entire office could see it), so this isn't platonic at all.

She should check his e-mails and his texts if she can. If she finds nothing incriminating, then she can keep the snooping to herself and berate herself for overreacting.

RE: kai archie and Lise

I agree more with kai archie. HE never said he was strongly attracted to her, he said ONCE he missed her and other times they were good friends and he wondered what was going on with her. My hubby has said similar things and I don't think he was/is having an affair with an opposite sex ex-co-worker. I wonder why she has such low self esteem that now after 40 years she is wondering what is/was going on. Maybe he never mentioned the luches because he knew she would assume the worse. As far as I know, my hubby never discussed with me whom he had lunch with and I don't think it came up with my parents either. This woman sounds like she is one of the many who doesn't thik people of the opposite sex can be just friends and not friends with benefits. And if she gets caught snooping Lise? How does she keep it to herself then? It won't make anything easier in the marriage. I agree with the Annies she should talk with her hubby first but counselling? Not unless you have more info. Somehow, LW1 doesn't seem to think anything is going on now; she doesn't have anything about unexplained absences or that someone had seen them together since he retired. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. (And yes, I know who said that and why).

Re: Lise Brouillette...I wish folks, Annie's included. would quit telling people to go to a counselor (witih or without their SO). That's a bunch of crap. The LW already knows what's going on. So does everybody else, now, thanx to her letter, which I'm glad she wrote, btw. Go straight to the nearest divorce lawyer! Don't waste any time at all on a counselor. I wish I'd done that years ago, instead of wasting over six months on the counselor. Please note here that my counselor was good at her job but the time spent didn't "tell" me anything I didn't already know. *Been there; done that*. Get rid of the jerk and go on with your life. If he had any intention of changing anything, he would have done it already!!!!!!!!!!!

Is it just me, or does the letter from LW1 sound like a "repeat"? It seems to me that this one was posted some time ago and answered ad nauseum. If I remember correctly, the original letter had more "details" of a possible affair, but still no actual proof, and the husband was still having lunches with the former co-worker.

In any event, I know from personal experience that men and women CAN be just friends with members of the opposite sex, although I will agree with Lise that women are more capable of a platonic friendship than men are. However, simply having lunch with a co-worker does not a sexual relationship make. Unless there is some actual PROOF of an on-going affair or unless the husband has done something similar before, I think the wife should get over it.

letter 1
Solution: Suggest that hubby invite Dolly and her husband over for dinner or out for lunch. Meet Dolly, maybe get to know her, maybe make a new friend. Stop trying to sweep 40 years of the man's life under the rug.

Kitty: yes, we've seen very similar letters here before and not so long ago, either.

This letter is REALLY unclear about timelines. Some of my wise fellow posters have mentioned the fact that they believe that this relationship with Dolly is in the past, I don't see any type of evidence to the contrary in the actual letter. We don't know if he's had contact with her at all since the retirement, we don't know if they have had contact in any way or if the LW suspects that there has been continued contact with Dolly since.

Regardless, it is now upsetting the LW. Why? why NOW? If the LW is reading here BTL, I'm wondering why it's suddenly an issue. Why weren't you upset about this three years ago when he presumably had daily contact with Dolly? At best, now he has limited contact with her and far less opportunities to develop any type of relationship,

I've written about this here before, but it bears repeating. I don't believe these types of letters are as much about a possible affair as they are about a mourning process that people go through when they retire or leave a job. Just look at the above comments. Several posters have written in saying that they miss former collegues. I'd take this a step further with a full on retirement. Many people put their hearts and souls into their jobs, especially if they've been with a company for 40 some odd years! There is loyalty there, they have relationships and "family" there. When the retirement happens, the retiree is often left feeling at odds. Suddenly all sense of structure leaves their lives. And the relationships with the people they spent more awake time with than their own families are gone and they miss them, just like they would any friend who moved away that they were close to. If he is talking to Dolly, it's highly probable that he just misses his job.

Add to this that many women in this age group (60s and up) that are still married to their husbands 40 years on, many of these women did not work outside of the home primarily. Many of these women have very limited views of office dynamics and relationships. I'm sorry to say this, but it's true and we see it here on BTL all the time. Male/female office relationships have further developed in the last 40 years. 40 years ago, most women in an office were secretaries. Now we have more and more women executives and supervisors. This dramatically changes the office dynamic: women are more peers now than ever. Men and women are playing on a more even playing field and this can result in friendships that are built on respect and intellectual exchange, not a roll in the hay.

I have to say, I'm very sorry for women like the LW who have a hard time trusting their husbands with coworkers, past or present, and think they are just not aware of most of what people who have or do work together talk about. Mostly, we talk about WORK. My business partner, who is also one of my closest friends, calls me at least 4 times a week, but we talk about the business about 90 percent of the time (even though I'm close to his wife and children as well). Another partner in our business is my old boss, and he and I talk about business philosophy a LOT (we're both big readers). I'm sure that's not what the LW thinks her husband is doing or talking about, in the event that he IS still in contact with Dolly. I'll bet, like in the letters we have seen in the past, that if they are in contact they are talking about the office, stuff that happens there, what's happening to the people there, who's been promoted, who's gone over to the competition, stuff like that.

Finally, LW, if you are reading this, don't EVER take the words of coworkers. You should be ashamed for even asking that question. It made you look paranoid and like a busy body. Office gossip is like any other gossip, but on steroids. Take a women's coffee clatch, these women may see each other a few hours a week at most. Office coworkers see each other at least 40 HOURS a week. That's a lot of time and not all of it is busy time. There are always a few pains in the butt that insist on finding fire even where there is no smoke. They make the smoke. A couple of coworkers going out to lunch a few times is an affair? Either the LW is reading WAY too much in about this, or the office gossips are. At any rate, I think if the LW wanted to know something about her husband, the person she should have asked is him, not his former coworkers. Want to get the gossip mills going any faster, LW? You just fed the fire.

I don't have anything useful to add to this discussion, but I do have to say:

The headline had me rolling.

LW1--""They only went out to lunch together a few times." Annie, Frank never once told me he had lunch with Dolly." Wow, you're a real piece of work. You're obsessed over your husband's fondness for a former coworker whom he had the telemetry to befriend and have lunch with on occasion over the course of a 40 year career, without getting a permission slip from you first. It's obvious from your own letter that 'Frank' has not contacted 'Dolly' since retiring and hasn't seen her since. Upon seeing how you've responded to the "news" you received from your little reconnaissance mission with Frank's coworker, it's no wonder Frank is afraid to tell you who he texts or e-mails on the computer. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. You're acting like a jealous harpy. Get some self-respect and a little perspective. Has your husband ever been unfaithful to you? Go to your dictionary and lookup the word "friend." A friend is a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Sound familiar? Pay particular attention to the last part. I highly recommend marriage counseling, pronto. You need to figure out how to deal with the fact that your husband has interacted with lots of people in the world, some who were female and he needs to learn how to survive his golden years with a wife who apparently views him as her exclusive property.

LW2--Repeat after me: "I've already eaten and I'm not hungry." Rinse and repeat. You don't need to explain your anxiety disorders to anyone, much less nosy strangers at parties. Personally, I like the Annie's suggestion of taking a plate of food and then discreetly putting it aside later. I do something similar at parties where others are drinking. I carry around a non-alcoholic drink disguised as a cocktail and sip it all evening.

Re: CAC
I never said she should jump the gun - there isn't enough at this point to accuse him of anything. What I said is that she should check for more evidence (if any) and yes, she should be r-e-a-l careful about it, because getting caught at it would only make matters worse. I also said that if she finds nothing, she should just lay it to rest and forget the whole thing, AND berate herself for overreacting.

And nanchan is right - it is to be wondered what may have happened recently, that may have been edited out, that suddenly made her suspicious enough to ask questions to the co-worker.

@Ms Davie
Now YOU are jumping the gun... at least about the LW's husband. I don't doubt that there was plenty of fire under the smoke in your case, but that's not necessarily the case here. Furthermore, even if it IS a affair, marriages can survive an affair and often do - WHEN there is remorse, and a will to atone, regain trust, and get to the bottom of the reason why it happened in the first place.

That's where a counsellor can be useful, because it is a third, emotionally uninvolved party. If it wasn't useful in your case because there was nothing to save, that's you, not everybody. And again, even in that case, there ARE some women who need a third party to sort out their feelings and see their options more clearly. Just because you perhaps didn't need that doesn't mean nobody does.

I don't exactly use the "go to a counsellor" as a pat answer top every problem like the Annies do all too often. There are times when it is indicated. What I said is that she should (discreetely) check for more evidence, confront him ONLY if she finds any, book a counsellor to try and save the marriage THEN, and go alone if he won't stop his behaviour and/or come to the counsellor. Running straight to the divorce lawyer in light of what little there is NOW would be a case of throwing the baby out with the bath water.

LW1 - You do need counseling but it has nothing to do with Frank or Dolly. It's just you. You've got that man on a pretty short leash from the looks of things. I hope Frank does find himself a nice girlfriend. You sound like a real fun day at the bitch.... I mean, beach.

LW2 ~~ Bitey Fish doesn't have the tiniest bit of anxiety about eating in front of others.

LW3: The message of calling for 9-1-1 from the car will only be effective if his wife, as the rider, will sign the complaint. As a citizen you can turn in driving complaints to be court processed any time. You just have to be willing to sign them. If I am the one calling 9-1-1 while on the road about anyone's driving, you bet I would sign the complaint and go to court. Or why bother with the phone call?

His charges could be anything from inattentive driving--which most youth get--cause of texting or cell phone (which by the way, in MN is illegal for under age 18 to be doing while driving). And the charges will go up from that. Inattentive driving charge that comes with an accident of any kind can be upward to $3000. This means eating your donut/chips, smoking while driving, fiddling with the radio. This is what adult reasons for being stopped usually are. (Google the state you live in to find out the charges as :fine for inattentive driving in ________.)
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Interesting conversation with a couple guys who stopped at neighborhood gathering house over Christmas. Both were already drinking so goes the answers. If my wife would turn me in, that would be very hard on the marriage. To if the wife was the trooper--how could she sit across from her husband at the table, knowing she stopped and ticketed him for speeding.
I asked both of these people if they knew right from wrong--since the job of the wife/trooper depended on her knowing and carrying out that decision. I mean, what would be the difference in the crime, if they committed a crime and you were the officer of record?
Same here, call 9-1-1 and file the charges. If hot foot had to go back to driver's training, MAYBE FLUNK the retest, etc he would be once less person raging on the road. If you have to earn it back again, you are not so quick to give it away.
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The going out to lunch with Dolly--making a date and setting it up is way different than heading out the door at the same time, saying want to grab a bite? (Phrase here). Many people do that. Maybe he had a 'teacher's crush' which all little boys go through at some time. Girls mostly when they get to Junior High/Senior High.

Chris and Rick:

You two are always so hard nosed toward certain LWs; maybe the guy was just friends with Dolly. But how about all these letters we read here every week about spouses who have cheated? Or older men hitting on younger women and not caring if they're married, like Maria described yesterday? It happens a LOT. It's a real threat in today's world.

The LW said that when Frank mentioned Dolly she gave him a look, then sometime later she ran into the co worker; there could have been something in Frank's way of speaking or a look on his face that made her suspect something, who knows? Even the co worker said there was an attraction; my husband used to work at a local factory in security and a woman there was acting "funny" towards him, even people who worked there said, get a room. This stuff does happen. And how do we know he hasn't been in contact with Dolly? He had to have been to be texting her, which seems likely since he reacted like he did.

I'm just saying, why are you so hard on her when there is some indication of trouble? Have neither of you been in this kind of situation?

Hey Bitey! I'm absolutely sure you have no problem eating anywhere.

Wow, I can't believe how many people were quick to suggest to lw1 that it's all in her head. Guess what? People with nothing to hide hide nothing. My husband knows when I gp to lunch with coworkers and with whom, it's part of discussing our day and there is nothing to hide. I have two men that I run with during lunch and both told me that they told their wives right away and if they hadn't and they found out there would be trouble, but because they were open it's different. I even met one and it was clear she knew and didn't care. Something is not right here. I'd suggest she find a male friend or two and go to lunch as well as text them. Watch hubby's reaction; if Dolly is just a friend he won't care.

Advice that she go to a counselor is bad advice. My daughter is a counselor and a good one. But a lot of her classmates were not good counselors. Some were self centered and a lot of them had no clue on how to advise people. A lot of them had no understanding of human nature and empathy for their fellow humans. The Annies just say counseling to shove the problem along. Don't get me started on pastoral counseling, it is worse.

@ jar8818

Speaking for myself (Rick, feel free to chime in,) I have not found myself in LW1's situation. Why? Because I've found myself in much worse situations that actually warrant her level of paranoia and anger. Have you ever come home for lunch on a whim one day to find your significant other engaged in a three-way with a couple he found on Craig's List? Or, have you been out at the bar and been told in gory detail by a bitchy queen how he enjoyed your boyfriend once upon a time? Or, maybe you've gone into the restroom at the hot new nightclub only to find your boyfriend being groped in a toilet stall. How about stumbling upon your significant other's new personals ad on-line when he hasn't officially broken up with you yet? Not pretty. During my dating phase, I've come to learn the signs of a cheater and I've also come to learn how to pick my battles. After experiencing all of the above, I certainly have no reservations whatsoever about my current hubby of twelve years having lunch with a male coworker.

Re: Carol Anne
It's a fact that, as in a lot of careers that allow someone to wield control over fellow human beings, many people will go into it for the wrong reasons. Even for the ones who are well-intended, the level of skill will vary. I do believe that there are cases where it is both advisable and profitable - providing the person takes for granted that finding the right fit might not happen on the first try (or even the second), and how to be on the lookout for telltale signs of a bad counsellor.

Finding the right fit in a counsellor is as difficult as finding a good spouse or business partner - almost like the quest for the Grail, it is.

@Chris
Good flamin' grief, Chris, it sure looks like you were subjected to a few doozers. I'm glad you finally found someone more stable. I personally wouldn't have a problem with any SO of mine having a friendship with another female, providing it really is just friendship, as I myself am capable of being friends with men on a strictly platonic basis. But I find that the majority of people are not there yet... and there are gaps in the details give in the letter. Like nanchan pointed out, the timeline is a bit patchy here.

Yes, Chris, you had some rotten things happen to you, no argument there. But the LW knows her husband and she sees he's hiding something somehow. Even if he has just a crush on the other woman and that's all it's ever been, he's acting suspiciously and that will always cause trouble with the wife. Whether she's overreacting? Hard to say, but he's not helping any.

Oh Please. If a man is going on and on to the point people (especially his wife) are raising eyebrows about some woman he's either sleeping with her or wishes he was. And I don't get at all this "after 40 yrs don't you know" business. What the hell. Men married 4 minutes, 4 hours, 4 days, 4 weeks, 4 months, 4 years, and 4 decades are all capable of cheating (women too but we're talking guys here).

@ wkh

Bitter much?

People with nothing to hide hide nothing. My husband knows when I gp to lunch with coworkers and with whom, it's part of discussing our day and there is nothing to hide.
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That's you, and your husband. I'm glad it works for you, but please realize that "not sharing" doesn't automatically mean "hiding."

My husband truly has ZERO interest in hearing that I went to lunch with co-workers UNLESS there's something I learned there of interest to him: i.e., "Bob and I went for lunch today -- he wondered if we'd like to catch a movie with him and Jane tomorrow night?" If it's just "I had lunch with Steve at Qdoba today" -- my husband is wondering, "Yeah, and...? What's your point?" The fact that I grabbed lunch with a co-worker? For him, it ranks right up there with me telling him that the paper towel dispenser in the ladies room at work was broken AGAIN or that I had grilled cheese at the company cafeteria or that the VP of marketing came in today wearing the most hideous pair of boots I'd ever seen.

I learned this when we were first married; he was way more interested in other stuff (did the construction on the route home clear up yet? did I find someone to trade shifts with so we could go on a long weekend on the 15th? did they fire that obnoxious guy yet?) than who I had lunch with--which was usually the only other person my age in the office who was free for lunch at the same time I was, a decent-looking, funny and interesting guy whom I MIGHT have been interested in had I been single. My husband worked 20 miles away; Dan's girlfriend worked 2 blocks away but was never able to go to lunch at the time we did. I guess tongues could've wagged...but my husband and I are still happily married and last I heard from Dan's now-wife, they are, too.

LW1: I would not freak out over who my husband had lunch with at work unless I had another reason to suspect him of misbehaving. I have had lunch with male co-workers more times than I can count. Also, he should be able to have female friends. However, in this case, Frank's former co-worker told LW that they "seemed to have a strong attraction" but it was "probably just an office flirtation." Hmmm. The words attraction and flirtation raise my eyebrow just a bit. I'd definitely call him on it and take the columnists' advice regarding therapy.

Somewhat OT: I remember a married male co-worker from years ago who had lunch with an unmarried female co-worker every day. They were definitely having an affair. She became pregnant, had the baby, and named it after him. The last I heard, he was still married to his oblivious wife. Not all office flirtations are innocent, although I like to think that behavior like this is rare.

Gee, I notice with interest that Chris has used the "bitch-queen" expression without anyone batting an eye, flaming him or calling him bigoted or whatnot. And this thread is getting quite old, there's been plenty of time for an outrage. Isn't that in-te-res-ting... ;-D

LW1
You may be making a mickle out of some harmless flirtation, but now that these suspicions have been awakened you can't ignore them. It is time to talk to your husband and get everything clear. You will both emerge from this stronger and (with effort) together.
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