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Hubby Only Enjoys Alternative Forms of Sex
Dear Annie: My husband and I are a happily married couple of less than 10 years, both in our late 40s and in good health. We have a wonderful marriage in every way, except I would like him to want to have sex with me.
Don't misunderstand. We have a regular and fairly satisfying sexual relationship, but it doesn't include normal intercourse, only "alternative" forms of sex. It makes me feel undesirable.
I'm not sure what I am doing wrong. We never argue, I don't nag, I'm attractive and keep fit, and I love doing things with him and for him. Yet he doesn't want to be intimate the way I'd like. It makes me believe he isn't attracted to me, and I am missing a big part of being his wife. What do you think? — Love Him, but Want and Need More
Dear Love Him: This may be a satisfying sex life for your husband, but obviously not for you. There could be a physical reason why your husband enjoys sex more in alternative forms, and of course, there is also the possibility that he is gay. Have you discussed this with him? Has he provided a reason that makes sense to you, or does he seem to be making excuses? Is he willing to please you by occasionally having intercourse the way you prefer? We think he needs to see his doctor, you both need to see a sex therapist (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapist at aasect.org), or it's time for marriage counseling.
Dear Annie: My father passed away last year at the age of 90. My brother was named executor, and when all the paperwork was mailed, everyone was satisfied.
However, the day after the paperwork was filed, my brother called and asked for what I thought was a large sum of money for handling the estate. From the beginning, my brother insisted he didn't want to be paid for doing this, so to express my gratitude, I was extremely generous with gifts for his three children.
Now he says he and his wife need the money to refinance their condo in Florida. I sent a check, as I didn't want to start a fight with the only brother I have.
While I don't regret giving his children the money, a friend told me she thought he misunderstood and assumed I was giving the inheritance money away. Am I wrong to be upset about this? I have no idea how much time and effort was spent on his part, but I certainly don't feel responsible for his condo. — California
Dear California: This is something that should have been firmly settled when your brother took on the responsibility of handling the estate — a thankless job that deserves some type of reward. Of course, he should have kept his end of the deal or at least discussed it with you. You've sent him the check, and there's nothing you can do about the gifts you already sent his children, but feel free to scale back in the future. And try not to hold a grudge.
Dear Annie: This is a response to "Green Eyes," the athlete who is jealous of her friend's achievements.
I was incredibly inept at sports in high school. I jumped at the opportunity to join the track team in lieu of attending physical education classes. It was the best decision I ever made. The coach stressed that I was not to compete against the other students, only against myself. I was to improve my own running speed and throwing distance. During inter-scholar competitions, I was his helper with the first aid kit and keeping track of the other athletes' times, schedules, etc.
Please tell her she can achieve in other ways, without comparing herself to anyone. My self-esteem improved greatly thanks to an understanding coach. — Ralph in Kansas City
Dear Ralph: Our thanks to you and all the others who wrote with wonderful suggestions.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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27 Comments | Post Comment
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For California- In my state, all executor fees are set by the court. There is a sliding scale based on how much the estate is worth. Check with the state that the will was probated in to see what your brother should have actually received. It should have come "off the top" of the estate before the assets were distributed. That way she will know if what she gave was fair.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Corky
Sun Aug 22, 2010 9:25 PM
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Re: California, you don't need to make a stink about things.... in fact you shouldn't... but you should sit down and have a talk with your brother. You and he sound overdue for a heart to heart, it only to improve your communication in the future. Rather than keep silent about your feelings in order to keep the peace, tell him how you were feeling and why you made the decisions you did. And be prepared to listen in return.
One thing you may want to consider is, how much work, energy and time may have gone into his work as executor. My sister handled our dad's estate when he passed away. Part of her job involved selling his house. The economy was so horrible at the time, it took a huge amount of work on her part to sell it. During her months dealing with it, she had little time for her own affairs, got exhausted, got sick, and lost other income she might normally have had. She wanted out (of being executor) at one point, then learned that she had a legal obligation to stay until the house was sold. It really disrupted her life. So please be aware that there can sometimes be a huge amount of work and stress in being the executor of someone's estate.
Comment: #2
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:03 PM
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Maybe LW1 should write to Dan Savage, not the two prissy Annies, for some straightforward advice, no euphemisms. What the heck does she mean by "alternative forms"? That could be anything. Basically I suppose she likes "vanilla" and he's "out there" a little. We need details!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Claire Beatty
Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:12 PM
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I agree with Claire! A family newspaper -- or website -- isn't exactly the best place to discuss the details of what "alternative" means. Dan Savage (look for his column at thestranger.com) usually gives knowledgeable and often humorous answers while respecting his readers.
Comment: #4
Posted by:
Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:24 PM
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I'm glad to see that I'm not the only Dan Savage fan here! :)
What constitutes "normal" and "alternative" is highly subjective. "Need More" doesn't give us enough information to determine if her hubby's preferences are even unusual for a heterosexual man, let alone that he could be gay (?)!
As Claire and Kate suggested, "Need More" should go to http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove and write to Dan with the details. He can help you put this dilemma into perspective. Heck--if she just reads a few of his columns, it will probably help put things into perspective!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Bear
Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:13 AM
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Sarah Morrow, you mentioned recently that you are a "former therapist." This is only my opinion, but if you were as hard on your clients/patients as you are on certain letter writers here, I think you may have alienated some of them. "California" merely some advice on her brother's money issue, and you called it "making a big stink." Hello, this is an advice column and that's what she asked for! You also recently told a male writer named "Quandry" that he needed to "grow a pair." His questions didn't infer he was a wimp or a man who doesn't have his marbles, merely that he was concerned about a woman who wouldn't commit to his offer of marriage and told him he couldn't see women for lunch, etc. You often make some good responses here, yet I truly feel you should tone it down some. There's really no reason to be critical and negative. You can make your point without using insulting comments. To Love Him (LW 1) I think the Annies are wrong to suggest your husband may be gay. Granted, that's a possibilty, but it sounds to me as if he has a "hang up" about traditional intercourse. Perhaps he's had some impotence problems or it's painful for him. I suggest he see a medical doctor first and a complete check-up, including revealing his sexual preferences. Then, if necessary, consult the sex therapist(s) after the medical aspect has been examined.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jean
Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:55 AM
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I don't understand all these comments about how "we" need more detailed information about Love Him's sexual relationship with her husband. Is there some confusion about who actually writes this column vs. who has only a "commenter" role? I suspect Love Him's original letter contained a lot more information that was printed in the column and that the Annie's advice was based on the total content rather than the edited version.
Comment: #7
Posted by: TY
Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:59 AM
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TY: if what you said were true, there would be no point to having these letters appear in print for all to read. These columns are meant for the public to read! Otherwise LW would see a private counselor. These columns are a form of entertainment. I stand by my comment. LW1 wrote to the wrong columnist.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Claire Beatty
Mon Aug 23, 2010 3:51 AM
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The Annies are way off the mark with their advice to LW1. Firstly, just because LW1's husband gets off on "alternative" forms of sex doesn't necessarily mean he might be gay. What is this, 1950? Contrary to popular belief, gay people often enjoy fairly vanilla sex lives. One need only peruse the sex columnist Dan Savage's column 'Savage Love' to immediately realize that straight people's kinks run the full gamut. What LW1 needs to do is either sit down with her husband for a very honest and frank discussion about how they both can enjoy a fulfilling sex life, or they should seek the advice of a counselor who specializes in sex therapy. This will mean that LW1 is totally prepared to lay it all on the table (as should her husband) when it comes to what she likes, dislikes and what turns her on. Being married and engaging in a sexual relationship involves give and take. Both parties need to realize that in order to have a fulfilling experience.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:19 AM
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I agree that the Annie's were a little over the top with the comment that LW1's husband might be gay. However, even Dan Savage has said that if Partner A enjoys something, then Partner B should be willing to try it in order to make their partner happy, even if that's not his or her favorite thing. That's true whether we're talking about "alternative forms" or vanilla sex. The wife should talk to her husband and say, I've been willing to do X, Y and Z for you, so you should be willing to spend some of our time having the kind of sex that makes me happy. It's not about the particular sex act, it's about the husband having consideration for his wife's pleasure as well as his own.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Karen
Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:33 AM
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What's "Vanilla sex"? Never heard the term. I agree on the LW1 comments that "Alternative forms of sex" may not necessarily mean "anal sex" it could mean a miriad of things. Also, some guys like the feeling of "having something in "their's", (not just hers)but I don't think that makes them gay by any means. I cannot believe I just wrote all that, but I don't see how we can comment unless we know what LW1 is talking about specifically. Sorry if I offended anyone.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Crissy
Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:52 AM
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I read your column for the first time ever today and am appauled you are permitted to dole out such horrific and potentially harmful advice. Suggesting that a middle-aged man -- who his wife obviously loves -- engaging in "alternative" sex may be gay or have a physical problem is unconscionable. You made this leap of faith after the woman claimed to "have a regular and fairly satisfying" sex life, which is a problem all 40-somethings would love to have. She also says she "wants him to have sex with her." However, by her own words, he is! Just not the way she wants it.
You are so far off that the issue rests with him that I question your credibility and credentials for offering advice to anyone, let alone people with intimacy issues. If this woman was able to be as open and honest as her husband appears, and expressed her desires both for traditional and other forms of sex, she might find that he's more than willing to reciprocate. Yet being vulnerable is the most important part of a relationship; I wonder what other areas of their "womderful marriage" she is questioning?
You ask the question, "Has he provided a reason or excuse" for his behavior. How coudl he when it's obvious she hasn't asked. And why don't people ask, you ask? Because as taught in Psych 101 they are afraid of being embarrassed, rejected, ridiculed, etc. Exacerbating the problem, she now feels inadequate and that she's doing something wrong. But her problem is not in bed; it's in her head.
I guarantee that if they take your cavalier advice and go to a sex therapy (poor guy won't know what hit him), a qualified therapist will recommend the wife first get counseling for whatever she has learned from society, religion, and her home environment growing up that has contributed to her inability to be verbally intimate. Maybe then she can learn to articulate what she wants and ultimately may get.
The final insult is that you suggest they go to marriage counseling?! This woman just wants a little more romance, face-to-face loving, not a divorce. You two need to get an education before you instruct other people on how to live their lives. Either that, or post your opinions on Answerology where they're less likely to cause any damage. And to the one of you who claims to be a therapist, you should be ashamed; it's people like you who give counseling a bad name.
Comment: #12
Posted by: tonybaloney
Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:04 AM
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Re: tonybaloney - If you thought today's column was atrocious you ain't seen nuthin yet. Continue reading and you'll be amazed. Reading this column most times is quite laughable or pathetic depending on your frame of mind. And yeah, The Annies were way out of their league on the first letter.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Rick
Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:31 AM
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I disagree that the Annies were wrong to suggest that LW1's husband might be gay. It is a legitimate possibility, but certainly not the only one. The answer may be quite simple. LW doesn't say if they've EVER had intercourse. Also, at their age, it's likely that they've both been married before, and it would be helpful to know if whether they want or have children, and if LW has reached menopause yet. I know of two instances where women were wondering if their husbands might be gay... until they were fully into menopause. Everything changed after the threat of pregnancy was gone.
Other possibilities include inability to maintain arousal in certain positions (one for the physician), or, as others posted, a past traumatic experience or hangup over intercourse. He could also be a sex addict for whom intercourse has lost its appeal. As time passes, some sex addicts have to get more and more "out there" in order to be satisfied.
I agree with toneybaloney about one important point: This is a big issue, but a bigger one is why she can't talk to him about it instead of writing to a columnist. Has she tried and been put off? Has she insisted that he listen to her concerns? But I do believe that counseling is in order, at least for her, if she can't get him to tell her what's going on.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Carla
Mon Aug 23, 2010 7:52 AM
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Re: Tonybaloney- they only recommended marriage counseling if the husband is unwilling to change his selfish ways... don't really see an issue there (fyi- not all couples who go to therapy are on the verge of divorce...)
Comment: #15
Posted by: duh
Mon Aug 23, 2010 8:07 AM
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I thought the answer to LW1 was fine. Yes, you have to read between the lines to make a good guess as to what's meant by "alternative," but this isn't a sex column -- it's a mainstream advice column published in "family" newspapers, so they can't be too explicit.
The Annies acknowledged that the situation is unhappy for her, suggested a couple of possible causes for the husband's lack of interest in conventional intercourse, asked if she's been able to communicate with him about it, and recommended that they get help. I think that's pretty good for one paragraph's worth of advice.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Van Wickle
Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:06 AM
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Letter #1 could have been written about my ex-husband. For those of you who are being ignorant about what the woman and/or the Annies wrote, here's the deal: His idea of sex was to lie on his back on the bed while I did "alternative" sexual things to pleasure him for at least an hour or more, and he wanted this several times a week. But he only grudgingly would have "normal" sex with me or do anything that would feel good for me, and when he did do it, he did it very awkwardly and in ways that were uncomfortable or even painful for me, no matter how I'd describe to him what would feel better for me.
We were married for 10 years, and although he hadn't been like this while we dated, it started only a couple weeks after the wedding and went on the entire 10 years. I finally got the impression that he was deliberately making it unpleasant for me when it was "my turn" so I'd give up asking him to do anything. If I didn't give him what he wanted 2 or 3 times a week, he'd become sulky and passive-aggressive, "accidentally" breaking things of mine, even heirlooms with sentimental value.
Marriage counseling and sex therapy were totally useless, as he refused to see that he was doing anything wrong or needed to change ... and for any kind of therapy to work, both people need to be willing to make changes and compromises. HE actually left ME after 10 years, for another woman, and I learned later that he'd been cheating on me for at least the last 2 or 3 years and also going to masseurs, strip joints, and "go-go" clubs. All because I'd finally gotten to the point where I'd only give him what he wanted sexually once a week.
And the Annies were also right about the "gay" part, because I also found out later that he'd become bisexual and was having the kinds of things he wanted done to him by men as well.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Joyce
Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:57 AM
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To Tony (who really is full of ... er, baloney): You are much worse than the Annie's. Where does it say in LW1's narrative that she has a hangup about verbally communicating what she wants? At least the Annie's recognize that the absence of a statement indicating she has verbally communicated her needs is not indicative of her being silent on the issue. They ASKED, as is appropriate. You just assumed that in the absence of LW1 stating explicitly that she had verbally asked for what she wants that she has been silent. That, Tony, is .... er, baloney. And since that is baloney so is everything else you said. You may now go away and never visit again, as obviously you just want to jump up and down and will make up reasons to do so.
Comment: #18
Posted by: John Anon
Mon Aug 23, 2010 11:38 AM
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LW2 only owes her brother half the executer's fee if he received anything from the estate. My husband and his sister were the only inheritors of their fathers estate, and PA set the fee at 3,000. I sent her a check for 1500, since she owed herself half the executors fee.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Carole
Mon Aug 23, 2010 2:57 PM
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One glaring reason that everyone seems to have skipped over for LW #1: Maybe he doesn't want kids (or more kids if they already have them, the letter doesn't say). And I'm guessing, solely from the way the wife describes their relationship, that he is not "snipped" and that they probably do not use an alternate form of birth control. People who have trouble communicating about sex rarely are that responsible about it.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Paul W
Mon Aug 23, 2010 3:26 PM
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LW1: For what it's worth, my first thought was, "He's gay" and that thought occurred to me before I read the response. Certainly, there are other possibilities, but it seems unusual for a heterosexual man to be uninterested in intercourse.
LW2: Countless people have let money come between them and a family member when settling an estate. If you genuinely appreciate the work your brother did and you can afford to do so, give him the money and let it go.
L3: I love the LW's advice to compete only with yourself and not compare yourself to others. Jealousy is a useless emotion.
Comment: #21
Posted by: PuaHone
Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:26 PM
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To Jean:
thank you for the feedback on my comments. I will admit that I am taking some liberties in my postings here that I might not have taken in my days as a therapist. I had to be more tactful in those days. But I will stand by my comments in the postings you referred to.
The man I told to "grow a pair" was in a relationship with a woman who has told him he could not have any other female friends, though she only saw him a few times a month. She refused to commit to him in any way, and was planning to spend even less time with him in the future, but was intent on controlling every aspect of his life. He wrote in a mousy little letter asking the "Annies" permission to have a quiet little lunch with a female friend. Like many men, he imagined he was being supportive to a woman by letting a woman bully and boss him around. (Some men will as much as say this; with him, it seemed an unconscious assumption). If there was ever a man who did need to grow a pair, I would say it was him. If I recall the letter correctly, he was in his seventies -- who knows how many more years he has left? If someone hasn't told him to stop being a wimp by his seventh decade, it's time someone did.
Re: today's LW, if It sounded like I was accusing her of making a stink, I should have phrased that better. What I meant was that when she talks with her brother, she should not make one, but rather, to be straightforward about her feelings, then listen respectfully to his. The reason I put it that way was because many people swing from feeling like victims to becoming virulent and accusing when trying to confront someone about a perceived slight. My intent was to encourage her to stay polite and respectful; I perhaps should have said it that way instead of phrasing it as I did.
Comment: #22
Posted by: sarah morrow
Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:24 PM
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Communication is the key to both LW1 and LW2. Straightforward, put-all-your-cards-on-the-table communication. Most have commented on LW1 and I really can't add anything to that.
With regard to LW2, generally speaking, the Executor's fee must be approved by the Court and comes off the top, before distribution is made to all heirs, including the Executor. My siblings and I agree that our sister, who is named as Executrix of our parents' wills, is entitled to a standard fee, subject to court approval, and we all encourage her to NOT waive it. Most of us work for lawyers and realize how much time and effort is involved in handling even simple estate matters. She should be paid a fee from the estate. THEN split whatever is left. That is, if our parents (in their 80's) don't spend it all first!
Comment: #23
Posted by: JustMe
Mon Aug 23, 2010 8:35 PM
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Re: sarah morrow: You might want to reread the letter (from Aug. 18). It wasn't anywhere near as extreme as what you're describing. http://www.creators.com/advice/annies-mailbox/all-chemistry-no-commitment.html
Comment: #24
Posted by: Van Wickle
Mon Aug 23, 2010 9:48 PM
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Sarah Morrow, thank you for the positive reply to my "feedback." See you around on these circuits!
Comment: #25
Posted by: Jean
Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:20 AM
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The commenters here only want specifics on this "alternative forms of sex" business so that they can compare the husband's desires with their own. It doesn't matter if his requests are truly beyond-kinky or downright prudish by our standards; what does matter is that the LW apparently considers them to be unconventional. If he truly refuses to do things "the old fashioned way" at all, ever...then she has a problem. Otherwise, he could simply be trying this-and-that to "spice up" things in the bedroom. If the latter is the case, it's odd that she would write in complaining about him.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Matt
Tue Aug 24, 2010 11:50 PM
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I didn't think that it was that unclear or confusing what "alternative" forms of sex are. I thought it was obvious she was talking about oral and/or maybe anal. The letter certainly doesn't imply it being kinky, so idk why people are comparing "alternative" forms of sex with vanilla sex. It doesn't sound like what they are doing is all that dirty or crazy. She just wants to add in some more "normal" intercourse. I know Plenty of straight men who prefer oral...and some who prefer anal...but the husband being gay is definitely a valid question.
Comment: #27
Posted by: michelle
Thu Aug 26, 2010 6:31 AM
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