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How To Divide Weekend Time
Dear Annie: I am a 45-year-old attorney. My wife helped put me through law school. Once we got on our feet, I said she didn't need to continue working, and she opted to stay home. We do not have children. She pursues her art and education, generally keeps the house clean and does some of the cooking. I think it's fantastic that she is able to do as she pleases.
The problem is weekend time. I like to use my Saturdays to run errands, hit the mall, go to a library or do other things I cannot do during the week. I'd love to have my wife with me. She, however, wants to get out of the city, go hiking, see nature or take drives on Saturdays.
I can't run my errands on Sundays because in my area, most shops are closed. Sunday is the perfect time for hiking or taking a drive. I've asked my wife several times to stay in the city on Saturday, saying we can head out together on Sunday, but she somehow "forgets." When I insist on staying in town on Saturday, she sulks and says I should "do whatever I want." Her attitude makes that no fun. I end up looking forward to the next weekend, and then the next and the next, and my frustration is building.
How can I get my wife to understand that I have only one day a week to enjoy my errands and would appreciate her cheerful company? — N.Y.
Dear N.Y.: Your wife understands. Shopping and library trips are things she can do during the week. If you go hiking with her on Saturday, she gets your company for the entire weekend and also controls all the activities — to her advantage. Your choices are to continue doing things her way, tell her to have a good time while you run errands on your own, or get into counseling to figure out why she refuses to be more accommodating. We'd try the second option first.
Dear Annie: In my office, we all have different, unconnected job functions. I am usually busy, and when my work is finished, I take a break. I do not disturb anyone else while I go online, take a walk or do some organizing and other things to pass the time until my next assignment.
One of my co-workers makes sarcastic comments about my work ethic. It's not like I can use my free time to help her, because our jobs are unrelated. The boss knows he can count on me when there is work to be done, but he isn't going to invent assignments. How do I handle my nosy co-worker, who seems to be watching my every move? — Looking Busy Enough
Dear Looking: Your co-worker is envious that you have finished your work and have time to yourself and she doesn't. As long as your boss is satisfied, you are under no obligation to please anyone else. You could try "making nice" by offering to bring her a cup of coffee or something along those lines, but otherwise, ignore her barbs. It's sour grapes and not worthy of a response.
Dear Annie: Like "Arizona," I, too, am estranged from my daughter. At a large family gathering, her husband got all worked up and screamed profanities at me (not the first time) over an innocuous statement I made. She seems to think this behavior is OK since I "made him angry." Since then, I have been unable to see or speak to our grandchildren.
Through counseling, I have learned to live with this hole in my heart on a daily basis and to redirect my thoughts when I am consumed with sorrow over the loss of my daughter and grandchildren. Your advice, as always, is right on the mark, and I hope "Arizona" seeks help. — Canada
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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27 Comments | Post Comment
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Annies, your advice to "Looking Busy Enough" was WAY off base. The part about offering to get Ms. Nosey a cup of coffee (or snack) is okay, yet to advise her/him to ignore the barbs, considering them "sour grapes" is very wrong. Ms. Nosey's actions are borderline harassment on the job. "Looking" needs to keep an exact list of any inappropriate comments for a full week (in writing) then turn it over to the supervisor, top office manager and, if necessary, the company owner. It is NOT this woman's job to "watch her/his every move" nor is it her place to make sarcastic remarks. Anyone causing another employee, especially one who does her/his job properly, undue stress and conflict can be found guilty of creating a hostile work environment, and in some jobs, Human Resources and/or Affirmative Action can take steps to stop the deliberate yet unnecessary behavior right away, up to and including dismissal of the offending party.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Jean
Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:01 PM
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LW1 N.Y. When you "run errands," is it all about you? My husband likes to visit bookstores, which I like, but control the time. He likes to visit sporting good stores, hardware stores, and gun stores. He is condescending about "allowing" me to visit craft stores. I work all week and we have to drive a ways to a larger city to do much more than grocery shop so if I go in his "places" without griping, I feel it is only fair for me to go places I would like without "are you done yet?" It took years of if my blood sugar was low and I needed to stop to eat, but having to wait for it to be on his timetable, before he finally got the message. (OK I had to pass out with witnesses.) Is there a reason she does not want to hike or drive Sundays? Perhaps family dinners or involvement in worship services? Are you pleasant company or is she avoiding extended time alone with you? Trust me, no one wants to spend extended time listening to everything wrong with herself, your job, the government, etc. so make sure your conversation is pleasant. Would she actually prefer to hike alone or with her girlfriends because you go to fast or don't like to stop for her to take pictures or sketch? Most guys I know prefer to hike from point A to point B as quickly as possible and many women prefer to enjoy the scenery even if it takes longer, plus you did mention art. Of course it could be she just does not like to run errands and prefers her hikes to be alone time, but it is worth asking the questions. Counseling is a good idea. LW3 Canada, it sounds like a verbally abusive situation. I would suggest that it is possible that rather than actually agreeing with her husband, your daughter is afraid of him. She probably frequently hears even worse from him. Many abusive men like to isolate their wives from family and friends that would serve as a support system. If you can get the message through to her, let her know your door is always open if she and your grandkids ever need a place to go.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:30 PM
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For LW1, my first instinct is that his wife is avoiding spending time with him, for some reason. Hopefully, they can work that out.
For LW2, I would be averse to offering to get coffee for that co-worker because I think she'd then start expecting me to do it in the future and talking down to me even more. Treating me like I'm some servant. Ignoring hasn't worked so far, so I might ask directly "what's your problem? Why are you always so concerned with what I'm working on?" And if that didn't make her quit her behavior, I would talk to my boss to see if he had any suggestions.
LW3, I agree with Elizabeth. The daughter's husband sounds abusive and that goes hand in hand with being controlling. The mother should do what she can to communicate that she will always be there if her daughter needs her.
Comment: #3
Posted by: FAW
Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:44 PM
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LW1: Have you tried compromise? Alternating weekends could make you both happy. Or she could run some of you errands durring the week. Or you could say you can do x number of errands for x amount of time then go hiking together.
If she is unwilling to bend at all, then you have a problem.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Meghan Torres
Sun Aug 1, 2010 12:31 AM
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LW1: my hubby works all week & I'm fortunate enough not to have to. Its a wonderful thing to be able to contol my own life without having to do anything I don't want to do. I don't think they should alternate weekends, maybe she should get 1 weekend a month or even one day a month, but she should do what he wants for the most part, she has all week to do her thing, he works all week to make sure she has that luxury, I think she's being very selfish & he should stop catering to her whims & do what he wants, she'll probably follow suit soon enough, if not, get counseling I guess...
Comment: #5
Posted by: Crissy
Sun Aug 1, 2010 4:56 AM
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I am so tired of seeing these letters from Grandma/Grandpa that are estranged from their kids, and crying about it and the loss of grandchildren privileges. I bet if we heard the other side of the story, it would tell a lot about how Grandma and Grandpa acted in earlier days or exactly what they did to contribute to the situation. My parents were verbally abusive, dismissive and generally did not have time for me and my siblings when we were younger..nothing was ever good enough, nobody was every good enough, and we never knew the meaning of family vacation. NOW they want to be one big happy family and it is toooo late. We've all be estranged in some way for many years, and frankly it's ok with me. I'd rather be alone than with toxic family... but THEY brought us down this road. So please..before anymore sad Grandma letters, get the other side of the story.
Comment: #6
Posted by: m
Sun Aug 1, 2010 6:10 AM
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LW1 – I am in somewhat the same situation to a point. I work a busy corporate job and my partner teaches school. He is out for the summer and has his weeks free while I work. Like the LW I too do my Saturday Stuff (as I call it) and then Sundays we do whatever. It's just not a problem and works out quite well which leads me to my point: I think the wife is a little off on this and has some underlying issues. I rarely agree with The Annies but I think they got it on this one.
LW2 – Regardless of the work dynamics and varying work loads among the employees you should always looks busy and your co-workers should NEVER know that you have nothing to do regardless of how legitimate it is. Just saying.
LW3 – I always find in interesting that in these cases the excommunicated party never actually says what the innocuous, minor, or otherwise harmless statement or action was. Like most people I have an interesting, complex and oft times annoying family but none of us would take lightly the act of cutting someone out of our lives for an “innocuous statement”. It's not like folks get up in the morning and say, “Hey honey. I've got an idea. Let's blow up at your mom and then cut her out of our lives today? Wanna?” I'm willing to bet that the harmless infraction is merely the straw that broke the camels back and the LWs are enjoying playing victim.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Rick
Sun Aug 1, 2010 6:25 AM
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LW1's wife sounds like she's become a bit spoiled. Accordingly she likes to spend her time as she pleases and on her schedule. Her husband is climbing the walls to spend time with her but it's her way or the highway. This woman doesn't know how good she has it. Perhaps she needs a pointed reminder. Counseling will be pointless. What LW1 needs to do is to quit asking. LW1 should simply inform his wife that he's called up one of his friends from work (maybe an attractive female colleague) who is willing to accompany him on his errands in the city. LW1 should feel free to spend all day, have lunch or dinner; see a show. The two of them should have a great time! Leave Miss Nature girl to her own devices. After two or three weekends of this, I bet the wife will be all too willing to accompanying her obviously adoring husband on a few errands. If she doesn't then LW1 has learned something pretty telling about his marriage.
@Jean with regards to LW2. Are you serious? The last thing the LW needs to do is aggravate the situation by trying to get her nosy coworker in trouble at work. Escalating the situation by reporting a list of the coworker's comments or barbs to the higher ups will create a hostile workplace for both of them and then neither one of them will be able to stand being at work. Possibly, they'll both wind up on a "hit list" for being laid off down the road. The Annie's advice was spot on. Kill her with kindness. You attract more flies with honey than vinegar any day.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Chris
Sun Aug 1, 2010 6:35 AM
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The writers here have misused the term sour grapes. Sour grapes is about consoling your self when you didn't get something you wanted, it's about being content with what you have. Remember the story? The fox tried to get some grapes that were just out of reach, when he realized he could not, he tells himself they must be sour and not worth having anyway.
Comment: #9
Posted by: whitelonis
Sun Aug 1, 2010 7:02 AM
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This for "Arizona". I too have become estranged from my daughter and now can't see my granddaughter. It wasn't anything I did. I am finding out that alot of parents are going through this terrible situation. For the life of me I don't understand it. How can one person destroy a family? My daughter's boyfriend has come into my famliy and ripped it apart. Of course, my daughter allowed it. Can someone please explain this to me? I am heart broken, but my life will go on. The older I get the less I think I know people.
Comment: #10
Posted by: victoria picard
Sun Aug 1, 2010 7:14 AM
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Re LW1 - maybe the wife needs to get a job so she realizes what people actually do during the week. She sounds very spoiled - if there are no children, there is no reason she cannot work at least part time. She needs to realize that a woman should always take care of herself; who knows what could happen?
Comment: #11
Posted by: C Weisinger
Sun Aug 1, 2010 7:43 AM
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Maybe the hubby could ask his wife to run some of the errands during the week for him so he has less to do of it / spend half the day going to do what he like (bookstores) then heading out to do what she likes OR alternate each weekend activities so each person has their fair share of doing what they like. It's just a suggestion and seems more fair :)
Comment: #12
Posted by: Deena
Sun Aug 1, 2010 8:50 AM
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LW1 says he enjoys his errands on Saturday so why would he ask his wife to run the errands for him during the week? How can she go to the library for him to select a new book? ...or the mall to buy something, perhaps a gift for her? These are the things he enjoys and after working all week he is entitled to do some things he wants to do on his day off.
And he is more than willing to compromise. He wants to spend time with his wife all weekend. Saturday it could be doing what he wants and on Sunday doing what she wants. Wife is not just spoiled but very controlling. Unfortunately he is partially to blame for it telling her she did not have to work after putting him through school. When she worked it is not like he was sitting at home watching TV. He was working in school to make a good life for them. There are no kids so what does she do all week? Especially since he says she "generally keeps the house clean and does some of the cooking"! This lady needs to get a job or volunteer her time where she can do some good. She expects him to entertain her on the weekends and when she doesn't get her way she sulks. This lady needs to get a clue before she drives him away. There are a lot of women out there who would love her life and would treat it with kid gloves.
Comment: #13
Posted by: JAVIS
Sun Aug 1, 2010 9:40 AM
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Letter #1 - that lazy wife should be doing her husbands errands during the week so they can do what he wants on the weekends. His hard work is giving her the time to persue her art and education. I work part time and do what ever I can to help my husband so he can enjoy his free time and does not have to spend it doing things I can do for him. I hope she ends up having to actually wps fork for a living after he dumps her for someone who appreciates him.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Patricia Irvine
Sun Aug 1, 2010 9:47 AM
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Have the estranged grandparents thought of trying something really crazy and outlandish? Get ready......here it comes.....are you sitting down........it's coming......it's crazy.....it just might work......APOLOGIZE!! I too am estranged from my mother, and as much as she enjoys playing the victim, we both know this didn't happen over one comment. It took years of comments with no apology and no recognition that they were even said. Why is it that every time I hear about an adult child walking away from their parent(s), it's always the same as my situation in that the parent says and does the hurtful words or action with absolutely no recognition or apology?? Everybody makes mistakes, everybody says something stupid or hurtful occasionally, we all understand that. Why is it so difficult for parents to understand that a sincere apology could eliminate the entire problem?
Comment: #15
Posted by: Laura
Sun Aug 1, 2010 10:12 AM
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L3: I agree with the others, I'd like to hear from the children as the "Annies" never seem to show both sides. My mother is a text book sociopath with a history of verbal and mental abuse towards myself and my father. She cheated since day one of their marriage. My brother never saw it until he was married and the father of three children. Finally knowing of her infidelities and abusive nature caused him a lot of heartache and mental anguish about a woman he looked up to. He cut her out of his life and my father and I have done the same. Not only has she never apologized for any of the pain but her tenuous grasp on reality has led her to believe she's never done anything wrong and has never been anything but a doting mother and wife. She became something of a radical Buddhist (and here I was never thinking those two words would ever be in the same sentence) and only got worse. It all could have been mellowed out if she would have just stopped years ago and taken a good look in the mirror. She will never be allowed contact with my darling nieces nor with any children I may have.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Hierophantria
Sun Aug 1, 2010 1:04 PM
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LW1's wife: For heaven's sake, woman, you live in a situation other women would envy! You worked long enough to get your husband through school, and now he insists you relax and reap the rewards. You get to do whatever you like during the week, let him do "his thing" for one day a week! Be gracious about whether you accompany him or not - many people love their "errand day" as a break from work, so would it kill you to indulge the guy who's now providing so well for you? Sunday can be a great time for togetherness, too. Right now you're coming off as spoiled, self-centered, and childish. Try counting your blessings instead of controlling, insisting, and pouting. And get smart - there are probably plenty of charming young women at the office who are willing to act more agreeable....if you get my drift.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Linda
Sun Aug 1, 2010 1:30 PM
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I partially agree with Chris, and Jean is a mile off base. A co-worker who makes "sarcastic comments" is not a reason to keep lists of the comments and drag in Human Resources and/or Affirmative Action - unless, of course, LW2 is paranoid and helpless to respond effectively, but it doesn't sound that way. Rather than "kill her with kindness" a simple "My work's done. What's the problem?" should throw it back in the annoying co-worker's camp.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Aug 1, 2010 1:30 PM
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Grandparent estrangement--you cannot assume that the parents "deserve" being cut out of their kids' lives. One of my daughters married a man that we had serious reservations about, and he pressured her into cutting us out of our lives for several years. Fortunately, when she had children, she realized that she wanted them to have grandparents available and got back in touch with us. Now, years later, she has told me that she bitterly regrets those years, and that it wasn't our fault.
Comment: #19
Posted by: LINDEN MALKI
Sun Aug 1, 2010 3:51 PM
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We really don't have enough information to know why the wife does not want to run errands. But note this, he said she devotes her time to art and education, as well as cooking and cleaning. If art is a hobby and education is just for personal enrichment, then yes, she ought to be doing what he wants most weekends as she is doing what she wants during the week. But, if she is finally pursuing her degree after having put him through school, or if she is pursuing art as her profession (yes there are such people - I know one), then he needs to treat it with the same respect as she did when he was going to school or any other profession. The fulltime artist I know actually took years of working other jobs in addition to her art, and then after she married her husband graciously doing the majority of the financial support for a long time. She now has built enough reputaion to be able to charge prices that she makes a very good living at it and they have a solid marriage because he respected her work even before she was earning much money with it.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sun Aug 1, 2010 11:18 PM
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Re: Laura This was a man (son-in-law) screaming profanities at a woman (mother-in-law). Even if what she said was wrong, he clearly was not behaving in a mature adult manner. But the discription given fits the pattern for abusers perfectly. To use rage and then blame the other party is textbook for abusers. So is isolating their spouse anyone who might provide a support system should their victim seek help.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sun Aug 1, 2010 11:29 PM
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Chris and Maggie, perhaps I sounded as if reporting the annoying co-worker was the only way to solve the problem. I once worked in an office where a senior employee caused all sorts of problems by making derogatory remarks about me and other workmates, in general, then brushed them off as "kidding." The comments got worse and she began to make personal remarks about my appearance and other inappropriate topics. I was a county employee at the time and when I spoke to an adviser in Affirmative Action, they urged me to write down the remarks and promised to "take appropriate action" since the county had "zero tolerance for" such behavior. It took forever to resolve, and once I was relocated to another department, I learned that this woman had been verbally abusing other coworkers for years, yet had "seniority" and I was basically out of luck. Yes, I was serious, and I do not feel my suggestions were off base.
The few times I tried to stand up to her, she just snapped back and was on me again the next day. I offered my suggestions in hopes that LW2 might get the proper help from a superior, because the woman's remarks sounded offensive and disruptive to the workplace.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Jean
Mon Aug 2, 2010 12:05 AM
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The coworker issue really hit home for me. I used to have a catty group of women in my department who were sure I was just slacking off. .. that is until I left for a new job and then THEY had to do the work I had been doing "effortlessly". It was a rude awakening for them to learn that because I probably was smarter or more efficient than them.. that i was able to do the job with less time and effort than it would have taken any of them. They struggle to this day.. and I laugh my tail off. Living well is the best revenge.
Comment: #23
Posted by: qhgirl
Mon Aug 2, 2010 7:05 AM
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Re: Elizabeth: Thanks for pointing out that the wife may be seriously occupied with her education and artwork and not just lolling around on the sofa all day. I had the same thought myself. She helped her husband achieve his goal of becoming a lawyer and it sounds like he is now helping her achieve her goal of being an artist. But she is being unreasonable about weekends! I bet a couple of sessions with a couples therapist would get everything sorted out.
And there is no excuse for LW3's son-in-law to scream profanities! He sounds totally abusive.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Van Wickle
Mon Aug 2, 2010 7:38 AM
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Oh, how well I remember those "innocuous" remarks of my grandfather. Always at a family meal and always intended to provoke an angry response from me. And yes, I'm sure he thought his remarks were harmless, after all, why should I be upset when he was merely expressing his feelings about Jews, or Blacks or hippies? Why shouldn't we all have to listen in silence to his opinions? And since his opinion of me was that I was never good enough and never right, why would he care how I felt anyway?
This is one reason why families become estranged; one person claims all her remarks are "innocuous" and never considers that if what she says always makes people upset, perhaps it is her words which are upsetting.
Innocuous talking momma needs to ask herself if perhaps she might be just a tiny bit at fault here.
Those hurtful remarks still pain me everyday of my life; perhaps the pain felt by the estranged parent is merely the darkness coming around full circle back to where it started.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Ruthann Adamsky
Mon Aug 2, 2010 9:23 AM
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LW1's wife sounds spoiled, selfish, & maybe LW1 does have a child because his wife sounds like an immature brat. LW1 told his wife she did not have to continue working after they got on their feet & she "opted" to stay home. She pursues her art & education & "generally keeps the house clean & does some of the cooking".....there are lots of women who can only dream of being a stay at home wife with no kids! When the weekend comes I would think this wife would be eager to spend time with her husband & want to accomodate his needs & desires.....so they would do errands on Sat & LW1 has indicated they would do what she likes on Sunday...how selfish is the wife that she insists they do what she wants on Sat leaving hubby no opportunity to do errands. For that matter why doesn't the wife do her hiking etc on a weekday leaving both Sat & Sun as free time to be with hubby. Something doesn't sound right about this situation & I'm sure the wife would have a different point of view. Based on the information in the letter I say the wife 1) has no idea how good she has it 2) knows & thinks it's something she's entitled to with no giving back on her part or 3) isn't that interested in her husband! And I still say she sounds selfish & spoiled but I would ask how long has hubby been putting up with this pattern of behavior from wife? I doubt counseling is going to work for this couple but perhaps LW1 should seek counseling alone to understand why he is tolerating this situation! HIs wife doesn't sound very dedicated to the marital relationship!
Comment: #26
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Mon Aug 2, 2010 3:37 PM
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Canada - why haven't the other men in your family (sons,husband,brothers) taking this ass out back for an attiutde adjustment?
Comment: #27
Posted by: Micheal
Sat Aug 7, 2010 5:23 PM
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