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Home Is Where Her Husband Isn't
Dear Annie: I've been married for 18 years and have two wonderful children. I love my husband, but there are some behaviors I simply don't understand.
"Andy" works long hours, while I am home alone with our two children. He rarely calls to check in, and I never know when he will be home. There have been a few occasions when I discovered the next morning that he stayed at a friend's hunting camp all night. He doesn't feel it's a big deal if he doesn't call.
The other problem is when he returns home and I can tell that he has been drinking — which means he was driving under the influence. I do not understand how he can put so many people at risk.
When Andy doesn't call, I consider it disrespectful. I have tried talking to him, screaming, nagging and the silent treatment, but nothing makes a dent. He is a good provider and loves us, but I feel alone in this marriage. I am certainly losing respect for him. So, Annie, do I — Stay or Go?
Dear S or G: Andy is avoiding his responsibilities as a husband and father. A caring, mature, responsible spouse would call to let you know if he's coming home late, and certainly if he planned to be away overnight. Tell Andy his behavior is not acceptable and either he cleans up his act or you'll be seeing a marriage counselor and a lawyer.
Dear Annie: I have been dating "Maurice" for more than a year. He has two grandsons, ages 10 and 5, who have behavioral problems.
Last summer, we took them on an all-day fishing trip, and the older boy wouldn't stop playing with his grandfather's fishing pole and finally broke it. During a Christmas visit, the younger boy was batting at my ornaments, and his mother did nothing.
We thought we would take the boys one at a time, but his parents say we can only take the younger boy alone. If we want to take the older boy, we have to take both of them. They say the younger boy wouldn't understand being left behind. We didn't feel comfortable taking both boys on the canoe trip we were planning, so we took neither. Of course, the older boy was disappointed.
Maurice has neck and knee problems, and these children totally wear him out. But his son and daughter-in-law make him feel guilty if he does not spend time with them. What do we do? — Trying Hard
Dear Trying: It's a shame those parents don't realize the strain they put on Grandpa (and the disservice they do their boys) by insisting he take both children. Since Maurice wants to spend time with the grandchildren, suggest he do simpler things closer to home. Perhaps take them for ice cream and a movie. Or teach them about his favorite hobby — building birdhouses, painting, baseball, whatever. It's not the activity but the time spent together that counts.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "C.C.," who has a sex offender working in her building. I own a property management business and certainly would find it inappropriate to hire someone with a sexual offense record.
I tell people who are looking for a rental property that if they have to register for Megan's law, I will not rent to them. The other people in the building outweigh a sexual offender's rights. If I were the owner or property manager of that building, I would want the tenant to share their concerns with me. — Peg
Dear Peg: Many readers feel as you do. Before casting stones, understand that not all sexual offenders are a danger to others. (Perhaps he was 18 and had sex with his 15-year-old girlfriend.) But his creepy behavior certainly merits looking into.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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34 Comments | Post Comment
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1: This letter reminds me of teenagers and young adults living at home with mom and dad and feel they don't have to call home when they're going to be late. A psychologist friend who's a single mom told me how she dealt with this problem. When there were a couple of times they were late and hadn't called, she decided to do something similar. She had a late meeting and didn't call home to let the kids know she'd be late. And she was VERY late because she decided to go out to a restaurant for dinner before going home. By the time she got home from her late meeting and restaurant dinner, her teenaged kids were in a panic. They were right on her demanding to know why she hadn't called. She simply said that since they had not called her when they'd been late, she figured they didn't think it was a big deal. Since it wasn't a big deal, she didn't think she needed to call. After that, they always called home when they were going to be late. Perhaps the lw could do something similar such as returning very late when she goes out on a day hubby is going to be home. She might go to a late movie or visit a friend until the early morning hours. Let her husband have a chance to worry about her and let him see how he feels when he's the one waiting and worrying at home. And really, nowadays there's no excuse for not calling since most people have cell phones. If he doesn't have one, the lw could purchase one that doesn't require an expensive plan such as a trac phone.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Wed Sep 1, 2010 9:22 PM
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Re: Pat-tricia Although I would think a good counselor for herself would be an excellent idea for Stay, I do like your idea. I have noticed that many times controling spouses do not want to have the same kind of accountability that they demand out of others.
LW2 My parents sometimes took one grandkid at a time, and sometimes two or all three. There came a day when even though mine were well-behaved, that my parents said they could not keep up with all three anymore. Parents need to understand that grandparents often have health issues and do not have the stamina to keep up with multiple kids or long visits, while still wanting time with the grandkids. I am glad that each of my kids had a chance to have one on one time with their grandparents. It gave them a chance to have a far closer relationship. And a 5 year old is certainly old enough to understand about taking turns with grandpa. My younger kids understood about it by two and a half.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Elizabeth
Wed Sep 1, 2010 9:48 PM
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LW1: My husband used to pull that not calling bit on me. One day I took the kids and spent the day visiting my folks a few hours away. I did not call him to let him know when I was returning, by the time I finally got home he was in a snit. I calmly told him that was exactly how I felt everytime HE did not call home. He got the picture right away. I don't know if that would work for you being as you have been together for 18 years. Sadly some people never grow up or develop an empathy gene.
LW2: If the parents won't discipline the kids for bad behaviour then it is up to you and Maurice. Do not be mean but be firm. It is your house, your stuff. If mom or dad say anything pull them aside and calmly tell them you know they were raised better than that. If they still don't get it go to a book store and get them a book on parenting (just NOT Dr. Spock).
Comment: #3
Posted by: Susan Everett
Wed Sep 1, 2010 10:21 PM
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LW1 - It took over 25 yrs for me to get my husband to call when he left the parking lot on his way home. Even now at 30 yrs he only does it perhaps half the time. It does not dawn on him that he should. I have done the reverse to him and it did not do more than mildly impinge on his psychy. I think it is two things. First, my definition of common courtesy is not his. It does not compute in his mind. He is exactly like his father (not his mother) and his siblings on this. Second, after I raised it as an issue 30 yrs ago it became a power issue with him. Since I got him an I-phone he atleast texts me when he is on travel to let me know when he arrives and departs the airports. Lucky for me our kids are not like that. Interestingly my son is the one that is most conscientious about touching base when on the move. If I don`t show up when he expects he calls looking to make sure I am okay. The girls not quite so much but still better than my husband. If she bases divorce on this one issue I am betting she will be divorced in just a few months.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Kelsey
Wed Sep 1, 2010 10:53 PM
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To Stay or Go (LW 1) it sounds to me as if your biggest worry (concern) is your husband's DRINKING problem. You say he is a good provider and "loves us." How does a man who loves his wife and children ignore them for overnight stays without even letting you know sometime before he does so, and worse yet, he DRIVES DRUNK. He's not only extremely inconsiderate, he's breaking the law and putting hundreds of innocent people on the roads at risk when he's a drunk driver. I strongly suggest you give him an ultimatum, as the Annies advised. You should call your City or District Attorney about statistics regarding drunk drivers, because it is only a matter of time before your husband gets in a crack-up and as most drunken drivers, he will walk away without a scratch while his victims are
either horribly mangled or killed. That might seem harsh, but you are reaching out for help and you need to face reality. NO loving husband would persistently fail to call when it takes only a minute of his time. And no self-respecting "good provider" and "loving father" would endanger himself and others' lives because he can't control his drinking and then has the senseless gall to get behind the wheel. Most likely he stays away overnight because he's too drunk to call you and wants a place to "sleep it off" so he doesn't have to face you, over the phone, telling him you think he's too drunk to drive. You really need to be frank with him, and protect your children now, before the daddy they still love causes someone else an early demise.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jean
Wed Sep 1, 2010 11:51 PM
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I'm surprised that no one has mentioned yet that LW1's husband might be cheating on her. He might not want to call her from wherever he is because even if he uses his cell phone, she'll hear some woman giggling in the background or something that will give him away. Even if I'm wrong about that, I agree with all the things others have mentioned.
Comment: #6
Posted by: FAW
Thu Sep 2, 2010 12:33 AM
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Why is it that whenever a man spends more time away from home the go-to "answer" is that he's cheating on his wife. LW1's situation sounds more like a case where the man married and had kids because that's what society expected. Instead of tending to a wife and raising kids, he'd rather focus on his career and play at the hunting lodge. Meanwhile, his wife is caught in the middle. The solution is that this couple seeks counseling and the husband learns to grow up, or they divorce and the man pays child support while doing the bare minimum to raise his kids.
I guess someone forgot to inform LW2 that two year olds will bat at ornaments, among myriad other shiny things and 10 year olds tend to fiddle with things until they sometimes break. These are not signs of behavioral disorders. I do think it odd, however, that the parents of these perfectly normal boys will only let the older boy go with grandpa if the younger one goes too. Instead of putting the boys in therapy, I think the parents could use a refresher on parenting skills.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Chris
Thu Sep 2, 2010 4:22 AM
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LW2 - My guess is those parents are looking for a break by having both boys gone at once. But here's the answer you give to them: "Every child deserves a chance to be the only child once in a while. Your younger child has never had Mom & Dad all to himself, and if we take the older one, he gets that chance to be your sole focus. You can do things with him that cater to his interests that would bore his brother silly. Besides, he can't go with Big Bro to Bros' friends' parties, on field trips with his bro's class, or share his music lesson or go off to college with him. It's good to show Little Bro, repeatedly, that you value him as a person alone -- that he's not just part of a set. So while Big Bro is talking, all excited, about the canoe trip, you talk up with the little guy the fun stuff YOU will do with HIM. (and remind him of the times HE got to go see Grandpa without Big Bro.). Win-win."
Chris, younger bro is 5, not 2. I agree that the examples given, alone, really didn't point to behavioral problems, but I don't think that was the real point of the question-- that they while they want to do special things and feel able to deal with one kid at a time, they don't feel they can do an adequate job of supervising both at once. And they shouldn't have to -- as long as they make sure they treat the boys equally well.
Comment: #8
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Sep 2, 2010 4:45 AM
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I love it when Annie tells a wife to see a lawyer. It makes me feel good about being single.
I hope his lawyer tells him to stop working. That's the real solution to his problem: Quit work and tell her to get a job. She how she likes that.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Ben
Thu Sep 2, 2010 5:25 AM
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Chris - she mentioned it is because it IS a possibility. I don't think it's the most likely cause as LW1 didn't seem worried, but it is certainly worth mentioning.
I don't think the boys have behavioural problems, either, but their behaviour isn't reflective of good parenting. When I was a kid visiting my grandparents with various cousins, we would have never gotten away with that kind of crap.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Zoe
Thu Sep 2, 2010 5:29 AM
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Ben, you're a complete bonehead. I don't think you're single by choice, I just can't imagine any woman would want you with that sorry excuse for an attitude.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Susan
Thu Sep 2, 2010 5:39 AM
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Re: Pat-tricia You are a genius!! I think I need to pass this advice along to a friend who is having a similar problem with her husband.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Rebekah
Thu Sep 2, 2010 5:56 AM
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@ Hedgehog Oops, my mistake in the age of the younger boy in LW2's letter. I hadn't had my coffee when I read the letter and posted my comments. Regardless, I agree with you that the behavior isn't indicative of a behavioral problem.
@ Zoe. Where does LW1 mention the possibility that her husband may be having an affair? Nowhere, which means she isn't concerned abut that possibility. It's not our place to jump to that conclusion in the absence of anything in the letter that implicates an affair.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Chris
Thu Sep 2, 2010 6:08 AM
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And what if LW1 stays away without calling to "see how he likes it" and he doesn't care? Sounds to me as though he's present in the mariage in body only, and not even that, most of the time.
So Chris, if it's not "our place" to jump to conclusions in these discussions, pray, what IS our "place"?
Comment: #14
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Thu Sep 2, 2010 6:36 AM
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I agree that it sounds like LW1's husband might have a drinking problem. i suspect the wife either doesn't drink or has a history or set of beliefs that make it clear that she doesn't approve and he may be hiding out because his problem has gotten out of control. This is not normal behavior for a man who seems to be in an otherwise good marriage. If he were cheating, the "screaming, nagging, and silent tratment" would have tipped him off to cover his tracks better. Out of control drinking would mean that he will go to great lengths to avoid criticism, and he's unlikely to stop without help. Unfortunately, until he wants it, she may not be able to get him to change. I'm surprised the Annies did not cite alcoholism as a possibility directly.
Also, as an aside- An 18 year old who got sex offender status from sleeping with his 17 year old girlfriend may be getting a bum rap. An 18 year old who got sex offender status from sleeping with his 15 year old girlfriend should have either learned to build a relationship without sex if he thinks she's "the one" or told her to call him when she turned 18 if he was just looking for a good time. A 15 year old is nowhere near at the same stage of life as an 18 year old. Shame, Annies.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Nichole
Thu Sep 2, 2010 6:50 AM
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@ Maggie Lawrence. Why is everyone so pissy today? Geesh! I said it wasn't our place to jump to the conclusion the man is having an affair based on the information provided. But, to hell with it. Jump to conclusions. Maybe the guy's gay. Maybe he's a closet transvestite. Maybe he's an alien; a secret government spy; a werewolf. Is he even human? OMG! Maybe it's worse...maybe he's a sex offender! If you're going to jump to conclusions, the sky's the limit!
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chris
Thu Sep 2, 2010 6:54 AM
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Hey, Stay or Go, your husband sounds as if he has another family somewhere. You need to hire someone to investigate him, or call the program "Cheaters."
Comment: #17
Posted by: Lisa McCue
Thu Sep 2, 2010 7:16 AM
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Really, Chris, "pissy" because you got called on it? But you're right - the sky is the limit in meaningless blogs like this. And why not? That's what it's here for.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Thu Sep 2, 2010 7:45 AM
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Re: Ben
Sounds like LW1 has a job. Full time babysitter, 24/7 with no assistance and no breaks because her husband refuses to ever come home. And yes, I think seeing a lawyer is sound advice. If you think it is OK for a man to go to work, not come home and not call then being single "by choice" might be a good idea for you. And by driving drunk, he is risking his life and that of everyone on the road. He's also risking his family. If he hits and kills someone, they will lose everything.
And, by the way, my husband works at home while I work outside of it. Very often I work overtime and occasionally emergency's have had me sleeping in my car at work. I would have to be out of my mind not go call my husband and let him know what is going on. During the overnight emergencies, we talked on the phone to tell each other good night before turning in. It's common courtesy to let your spouse know what is going on.
I don't agree, though, with the 'see how he likes it' idea. It might work if the husband were just being absent minded. In this case, it sounds more like he has no respect for his wife. Either that or his problem with alcohol has a stronger hold on him than his common sense does. I think if she tries this method, he'll probably use it as an excuse to continue what he's doing. "See? You don't call in either. Get off my back!" or turn it into something worse.
This time I have to agree with the Annie's about counseling or a lawyer. LW1 should contact something like ALANON.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Datura
Thu Sep 2, 2010 8:15 AM
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LW1 - I too have concerns over the drinking problem... and yes if Andy is coming home with alcohol on his breath, meaning he's driving under the influence, then he does have a drinking problem. LW1 should consider Al-Anon in addition to the suggestions already made - the support from those who have "been there" may prove invaluable.
Chris - Perhaps he also has a clicking jaw, leaves cabinets open and steals food from his coworkers' lunches while we're at it :-)
LW2 - So batting at Christmas ornaments and accidentally breaking a fishing rod because of selective hearing are now behavior problems? Hoo boy - let me drop my two autistic kids off with LW2 and her husband for a while... that'll change their perception.
Seriously, I can understand if they're out of touch with what to expect in NORMAL children but to make such a far-reaching conclusion as to say the kids have behavior problems is ridiculous. Maybe if they shifted their expectations and stopped stressing out over everything the grandkids are or aren't doing it might help them have more energy to spend with them... and if they still get wiped out easily then fine, just don't plan as many huge trips or events like the Annies said.
Comment: #20
Posted by: PS
Thu Sep 2, 2010 8:33 AM
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I have kind of the opposite problem to LW1. My husband has not been able to take time off for the past few years, and I understand he's working hard to build up his business. He encourages me to take the kids (ages 10 and 7) on vacation by myself, or with friends, which I do. But the minute we go, the phone starts ringing, and doesn't stop. 10 or 12 times a day he calls to ask what's going on, where we are or what we're planning to do next. It's almost hard to do anything without getting interrupted by a call. I hate turning off the phone in case of a real emergency, but even the kids have started complaining about the calls. When we do get back home, he's back to his 16 hour work days with no call all day long. What gives?? - Phoned Out in NJ
Comment: #21
Posted by: Bibi
Thu Sep 2, 2010 9:45 AM
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Re: PS - and I bet he washes his hands at the kitchen sink.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Rick
Thu Sep 2, 2010 9:47 AM
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Look at the problems the dips who were wetting their pants to jump into a bad marriage have.
I, too, feel good about being single.
Comment: #23
Posted by: OccamShave
Thu Sep 2, 2010 9:51 AM
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One possible solution for the parents in LW#2 would be what my parents did to my brothers and me one summer. For two weeks I (the oldest) was sent to stay at my mom's parents, my middle brother was sent to my dad's parents, and my youngest brother stayed home with my parents. Everyone got to experience one-on-one time with either the parents or grandparents and then after the 2 weeks we all got back together and could share our unique experiences. We didn't live in the same state as our grandparents, so flying solo was part of the experience as well (that's probably why my little brother didn't go anywhere).
Comment: #24
Posted by: Jera
Thu Sep 2, 2010 10:17 AM
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There's a five year age difference yet the older can't ever do anything without the younger? What kind of weird rule is that? Even when there's only 2 years between it is nice if each child has some grandma only time.
My sister sometimes tries to pull this and I realize it is because she is a "youngest" and probably there were times she felt sad she couldn't go. But as an "oldest" I realize there are times you need to be able to do something even if it isn't appropriate for the younger kids. Especially if the youngest can go without the oldest. Is it because "he understands"? Ridiculous.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mich
Thu Sep 2, 2010 10:49 AM
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LW1-This sounds a bit familiar. Before my kids came along, the rule in my house was it doesn't matter where either spouse went or how long they would be there as long as one let the other know (actually, that's still the case, it just doesn't happen as spontaneously). My husband is the more social creature of the two of us. He will chatter blithely with anyone for hours. In other words, he loses track of time and doesn't check his watch. I didn't mind him going out with his friends, however, he couldn't understand why I was so upset when, on an outing to a bar with his friends, he was over two hours later getting home than the time he told me. This was before we had cell phones; try calling a bar in a college town after business hours. What really got me is that he, on the other hand, would absolutely freak out if I was a mere FIFTEEN MINUTES late coming home from...(wait for it)…martial arts lessons. The kicker (excuse the pun)? My instructor's business card was on the fridge and there was a listing for the dojo in the phone book. Needless to say, he eventually took the hint.
I never did ask what the rule was in his family but that was the rule in mine: let someone know where you're going and how long you'll be there. It wasn't necessarily a control issue, it was just simple courtesy. However, LW1's letter sounds like her husband has more problems than lack of courtesy, namely, alcoholism. Perhaps LW1 needs to consider alerting the police to the situation and, in the mean time, look into Al-Anon for support.
LW2-OK, any supposed behavioral problems aside, why can't the older child visit grandparents without kid brother in tow? Because my father served in the U.S. Army, the only time I got to have alone with any of my grandparents was when I was a teen/young adult, after my father retired. I would have loved to have had that time when I was kid. I think the parents are being unreasonable. I will gladly let my kids each have alone time with their grandparents.
Comment: #26
Posted by: LibraryKat
Thu Sep 2, 2010 12:24 PM
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I thought of something that no one has mentioned thus far for the lady with the never calls home hub...IF the problem is drinking, then nagging etc is a waste of time. What she needs to be doing instead is preparing her life to be alone raising children. Does she have a degree? Is she blessed with any marketable skills? Could she afford to stay in her current residence if he (and his income) were out of the picture? Where would she go? This man has shown not much interest in the family, despite her assertion that he "loves us."...actually I don't think so. Men who love their family come home or call...and they come home sober. He is doing none of the above ...she needs to start thinking about the what if of being a single mom. her nagging will surely send him away...but driving drunk will too, leaving her alone to raise her children. Start making plans along those lines, dear. Time is of the essence. Oh and by the way...been there, done that. He will not change. All you can control is YOU. So do that. Make an inventory of assets you might be able to call upon...what is the value of the house? Can you sell that? Oh and definitely get a therapist...you will need the support because it sounds like you don't have much. I will be praying for you too.
Comment: #27
Posted by: catherine
Thu Sep 2, 2010 1:25 PM
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Am I the only one who believes grouping an 18-year old having sex with his 15-year old girlfriend with a creep who rapes a child under the same sexual offender umbrella is incredibly WRONG!
Comment: #28
Posted by: Judi
Thu Sep 2, 2010 1:57 PM
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I think some of the other commenters missed the last part of this line in the letter from LW2: "During a Christmas visit, the younger boy was batting at my ornaments, and his mother did nothing". I would like to emphasize the "and his mother did nothing" part. No wonder Maurice is feeling worn down by these kids! If they aren't being taught proper boundaries at home, then they aren't going to know how to act when visiting other people!
Comment: #29
Posted by: Paul
Thu Sep 2, 2010 3:09 PM
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Re: Judi
No, Judi, you are not!
Comment: #30
Posted by: Lynn
Thu Sep 2, 2010 4:29 PM
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Re: Judi - no you are not the only one who thinks that. Our Sex Offender criteria is seriously out of whack.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Rick
Thu Sep 2, 2010 6:54 PM
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I never quite understood our sex offender laws either. The only thing I knew the day after I turned 18 that I didn't know the day before was what I got for my birthday.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Candi Anne
Fri Sep 3, 2010 12:58 AM
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Re: Chris: Ha-ha! Or maybe he's a pre-op transexual attending his transitional therapy meetings.
Re: Rick: I'll bet he indeed washes his hands in the kitchen sink AND steals everybody's lunch at work!
Comment: #33
Posted by: Janey
Fri Sep 3, 2010 1:08 AM
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To the Stay or Go: FInd out your legal options and what his responsibility will be then. Get them in writing. Present them to husband. Tell him these are the options unless new house rules are followed. YEP. Meant for them both. It is all or nothing. And mean it.
To girlfriend of harried grandpa: Lady, where is your backbone in your own house, as the adult in supervision of these kids, etc. Doesn't matter if you are not their grandma. If they were playing with gas and matches, would you wait till the fire department had to be called? Why don't people say things instead of whining? I have 3 sons, 2 granddaughters, done plenty of community/church volunteering with kids of all ages (3-18). They want boundaries and will challenge you till they get them. A simple KNOCK IT OFF for the older ones, and the I DON'T THINK SO to the younger ones. My major troubled son tells me he is so glad I set rules and consequences to help him get structure. My granddaughters tell me they love what we do together all the time. It doesn't take much. Simply baking, cooking, playing games, having our own concerts, to going to plays, church, swimming, etc. They know the rules and I won't hesitate to say something when needed. If you get a LOOK from a parent, that means they should get the wake up call to say something to their kids. And hopefully they GOT IT.
Why did you not tell the grandson to leave the fish pole alone? Or don't touch the Christmas ornament? You would tell a playful cat or dog DON'T. My close nieces and nephews number about 40 and the rule is: The adult closest to the infraction sets the correction. Most often a simple DON'T.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Sep 3, 2010 7:33 AM
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