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He Only Calls for Cash
Dear Annie: Our 19-year-old son, "Todd," left home a year ago with only a backpack. He left a voicemail saying he was with a friend and not to look for him. My husband finally got a mailing address when he called Todd's cell phone and said perhaps insurance coverage was no longer needed if we didn't know where he was. We continued to forward mail to him and twice received e-mail — once to ask for money (which we sent) and another time to tell us his guitar had been stolen.
Six weeks ago, I found Todd on Facebook and "friended" him so we could keep better track of his status. He lives with friends a mile away and has been attending college nearby. Last month was his birthday, and I forwarded the card and check his grandmother sent and enclosed a check and card of our own. When the checks were not immediately deposited, we worried something might have happened to him and e-mailed. He informed us he had moved, but didn't say where.
Since then, we have received several e-mails from Todd, all asking if those checks came back in the mail or if we are sending replacements. Maybe my anger is clouding my judgment, but if he wants gifts, isn't it his responsibility to send us his address? If he doesn't want us to know where he lives, he forfeits his right to get a birthday check.
Should we take a stand on this and risk losing touch with him completely, or has he proved that he is only interested in a relationship with us if we pay? — Peeved Parents in Tennessee
Dear Parents: We think Todd has proved only that he's 19 and immature. The good news is, he is attending college and managing to stay out of trouble. The bad news is, the only time he thinks to contact you is when he needs money. The check from Grandma belongs to Todd, so e-mail and say if he wants it, he has to send you his current address. After that, it's up to you. But we think it wouldn't hurt to remind Todd that you love and worry about him, and that it would be nice if he'd let you know he's OK once in a while. Then try to leave him alone as much as possible so he can learn to be a responsible adult. It will be good for all of you.
Dear Annie: My friend has a boyfriend who is emotionally abusive and recently choked her. She called the police but did not file a restraining order. She calls me every day, crying and asking for advice that she never follows.
I'm a wreck worrying about her and her child, waiting for the next awful phone call. I live a few hours away, and her family is no help. What can I do? — Pennsylvania
Dear Penn: There are myriad reasons why people stay in abusive relationships. You cannot "save" your friend. She must find the strength to get out on her own. You are, however, coming to her aid by listening and repeatedly encouraging her to get help. Please don't abandon her out of frustration. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org) at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233), and ask for additional assistance.
Dear Annie: This is for "Help Needed," who has a fear of birds. I suffer from arachnophobia (fear of spiders) and have developed a coping mechanism that might work for her. Instead of screaming when startled by a spider, I yell at it. This could work really well for birds, since they usually fly away when yelled at. — Ignoring My Fears
Dear Ignoring: Often, using anger can help make a person less afraid and in this particular case would probably scare away the birds, as well. Thanks.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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28 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 and her husband may be wonderful people, but there are two sides to this story. Why would their son move away and refuse to even give them his address? Something is hinky here. I left home at 18 to get away from an abusive situation, but they at least knew where I lived. With my own son, he'd have stayed here forever if he could have, and didn't move out until he was 25 and married.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Thu Aug 19, 2010 9:57 PM
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I agree with Joannakathryn. There's something LW1's child either doesn't want his parents to know about his life or doesn't want to deal with at home. But I think he should realize that money often comes with strings attached and should stop asking for handouts. Since Todd's not the one asking for advice, then the people who need to change their M.O. are the parents. I agree with the Annies' advice.
I mostly agree with their advice for LW2, as well, but because I have far too much experience with this (as the child) I definitely feel for the child involved. I have very little patience for the mother. And I can understand how frustrated the friend is, having been in those shoes too. LW2 should tell her friend "If you ever need a place to stay, or hide some clothes etc in case of the need for a quick getaway, you can rely on me" and then she should keep it brief. Trying to get someone out of an addictive or abusive situation can be as rewarding as repeatedly beating your head against a brick wall. I'd give the woman the lifeline and then I'd stop wasting my time and emotions trying to help someone who doesn't want to help herself.
Comment: #2
Posted by: FAW
Thu Aug 19, 2010 10:32 PM
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When I decided to cut my father off, I moved a thousand miles away and did not bother giving any contact information, not even to mom because she has been enabling and even encouraging his abuse. After mediation, I gave my e-mail to mom and we have occasional correspondence.If we need to talk, I call her or visit her somewhere outside their house. I know mom has been crying to relatives and friends about what cold blood I have, but whatever. By the way, I have been on my own since 17. I think the only problem in LW1's letter is that the son is still asking for money. Hey, young man, do you know independence means that responsibilities come with freedom?
As for LW2, I totally understand. For at least two decades, I've wondered what my mom wants from her marriage, if her relationship with dad can still be called marriage at all. She'd cry, reprimand dad, curse us kids, complain to her friends... just would not bother seeing any counselor or lawyer. When she learned I had asked the school counselor for help, she damned me for "airing her dirty laundry." It took me many years to learn that I cannot help her unless she wants to be helped, which she doesn't. But kudos to LW2 for being a caring friend; I hope she hangs in there.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Felicia Black
Fri Aug 20, 2010 12:02 AM
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Then there are the kids who grow up to be selfish and demanding in spite of receiving all the love and care that any good parents could provide. They're kinda like people that way. :P
Usually there are clues while they are children, so it would be interesting to know if the clues were there and they ignored them, or if indeed something else happened...something like maybe they raised him to feel so "special" and "entitled", like many parents of the current generation did, and are now shocked that he has become a selfish being. Children live what they learn. Teach them that the world revolves around them, and they will feel free to be as selfish as they like, and sadly, end up alone because no one will ever be good enough for them.
Comment: #4
Posted by:
Fri Aug 20, 2010 3:45 AM
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Peeved Parents (LW 1), Todd is 19. He does NOT need to raise your insurance premiums or cause your employer to pay extra to cover him on company insurance since he is a legal adult now. The Annies are right that Todd should provide his mailing address because his Grandma's birthday check does belong to him. As to Todd calling only when he wants money, you will be enabling him to provide him with any amount of money. If it's a special occasion and you truly want to give him a gift of money, that's one thing. I advise against sending him money simply because he decides to call Mommy and Daddy and ask for money. He obviously doesn't want you to spend time with him or truly know his exact whereabouts. I say he doesn't deserve a plug nickel.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jean
Fri Aug 20, 2010 4:26 AM
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It's apparent that LW1 and her husband were so smothering to their son that he decided to up and move away one day with little more than the clothes on his back. Instead of worry about whether or not he's considerate enough to send a forwarding address, LW1 and her husband should be in family therapy trying to discover why their son is so afraid to tell his parents where he is. I disagree with the Annies that the young man has proven himself to be an "immature 19 yo." I think he's proven himself to be very mature. He had the wherewithal to get out of a "bad" situation, obtain a residence, and enroll at college (which presumably he's paying for himself.) LW1 needs to recognize that her son is an adult now and she and her husband don't necessarily have a right to know his exact whereabouts or otherwise interfere in his life.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Fri Aug 20, 2010 4:27 AM
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Chris, very mature?? He only contacts his parents when he wants money, he lives with friends, and who knows who is paying for college or how much college he's attending. Doesn't sound very mature to me. Maybe he's gay and trying to hide it while still getting financial help. He sounds like a brat. And why should the family be in therapy since the kid obviously won't be there to tell his side?
Comment: #7
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:48 AM
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Jean: in regards to the insurance. The LW was not talking about the premiums going up. they were talking about removing him from the insurance. And, as long as he is a full time college student he CAN remain on the parents' policy. And depending on how many people in the household, how insurance premiums are set up and what kind of insurance the LW is talking about (auto, property, health), their premium COULD decrease if he is removed.
I took the letter to say they used the insurance question to get their son to contact them, which he did.
In my opinion, if the son is wanting support and still on the insurance policy(ies), then the LW should advise the son he needs to remain in contact (that does not mean living with them) with a valid address, e-mail and cell. If he doesn't provide that, then the support - both money and insurance - will be lost.
At the same time, as said in prior posts, we don't know the entire story. I am guessing there are reasons the son left we don't know about. But, if the son wants to be supported by them, even partially, he is going to have to remain in contact.
Comment: #8
Posted by: ppclps
Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:58 AM
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Well Maggie, whatever the situation, the fact of the matter is that this young man is 19 years old and an adult. Whether or not his parents give him money is up to them. Otherwise, he's entitled to conduct his life as he sees fit and he's under no obligation whatsoever to inform his parents of anything. The fact that the young man has survived this long on his own, AND is in college, is indeed a sign of maturity. Whether or not he's a brat is irrelevant. I know some 19 year olds who can't make their own doctors appointments, hold a job, or perform the simplest of tasks without their parents' constant assistance and intervention.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:00 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence - Gay? I'm not sure where that comes from? Because all gay sons leave their homes and don't contact their parents? Huh?
I think this kid is somewhere between mature and immature kind of where most 19 year olds should be. Mom and Dad, although they are concerned about his welfare as they should be, need to just back off a little and let him be. Maybe he's distancing himself from a bad situation or maybe he just has a strong, inherent need to get out there and start learning life. I think the kid really is okay but I'd still be inclined to close the 1st Nat'l Bank of Mom and Dad for a while and let him sort things out.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Rick
Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:10 AM
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LW1: whoa. There's a LOT missing from this letter! Even if Todd is immature, there's a reason he left and doesn't want to talk to you again unless it's for money someone sent him. sounds like a serious case of parental denial here. They might have treated him badly during his childhood, or perhaps he doesn't want to tell them something, fearing their reaction. Gotta love these "I didn't do anything wrong, ever, so why is my child acting this way" letters.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Salty
Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:20 AM
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Re: Chris- 'The fact that the young man has survived this long on his own, AND is in college, is indeed a sign of maturity. Whether or not he's a brat is irrelevant. I know some 19 year olds who can't make their own doctors appointments, hold a job, or perform the simplest of tasks without their parents' constant assistance and intervention.'
1) I don't think a year is really all that long to be on your own and he's living with friends- probably just crashing on couches (he's obviously moved several times)
2) We don't know that he has a job and he obviously needs his parents 'assistance' if he's asking for money
3) While we don't know the whole situation i find it unlikely that his parents were abusive or anything of that sort if they are willing to send him money and are actually concerned about his well-being and whereabouts.
this KID sounds like an immature brat who couldn't stand to live by his parents rules so he decided to leave. If he doesn't have the decency to inform his parents on his residence then his parents should take him off their insurance (which is a priviledge, not a right) and definitely stop giving the greedy brat money... If he wants to be on his own then he should truly be on his own... the means grow up and take responsibility and stop looking for handouts
Comment: #12
Posted by: duh
Fri Aug 20, 2010 7:39 AM
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I think he's gone off because his parents were in his face about everything he did and does. He seems to want to remain in contact and lived very close by. But he wants them at a distance. Parents probably wanted to dictate everything he did in life and the only way he could successfully go to college is with them out of his daily life. Moving out of the family home isn't always the answer when your parents are pushy and overly involved.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Cathy
Fri Aug 20, 2010 7:41 AM
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There is definitely a lot of information missing from this letter. Why aren't the parents more concerned with the cause of the estrangement? Rick, of course most gay kids don't leave home and sever contact with parents, but there are still plenty of kids who feel they need to hide their orientation. Well, whatever else is going on, it's a good sign that he's in college.
I understand LW3's point but I don't like it. I would do the exact opposite. Be brave, go out into the park, then make like Francis of Assisi and say, "Good morning, Brother Bird. Good morning, Sister Bird." And see if your feelings don't start to shift. (Easier said than done with a phobia, I know.)
Comment: #14
Posted by: Van Wickle
Fri Aug 20, 2010 8:20 AM
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LW #1 - Leaving home with only a backpack makes me wonder if 'Todd' may be at the beginning of suffering psychological problems as this is the age when it usually manifests in a person. He may not be going to school but just telling his parents that for reasons to stay on insurance or to just get them off his back. But the fact that he didn't leave home in a normal fashion and left a voice mail really makes me think he is suffering from either the above or drug use problems. These parents should try to remain in contact when they can but cut off the finances unless he wants to come by to get the money. Then they could visually see his condition. Also, if it is a psychological breakdown or change, the parents should remain calm and speak in a kindly tone when addressing him. Screaming and excitability will chase these type of people away and is of no help.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Mandy
Fri Aug 20, 2010 8:51 AM
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My husband's sister could be a combination of LW1 & LW 2. She moved across the country, married and had children with an abusive man (I don't blame her for this) and constantly asks for advice and money. The checks she cashes, the advice she ignores. Hubby and I realize we need to walk a mile in her moccasins and try to just listen to her. Of course she never returns our calls asking how she and her kids are. We have a bet going between us that she would call us back immediately if we ever said we had money for her and needed to know where to send it. Since she left her husband, she hasn't been able to keep a job, she moves all the time, and she hasn't filed for divorce either. We know she suffers from depression and anxiety and that is my first thought for the young man who moved away from home. The constant moving is a clue that he can't keep the rubber to the road, has trouble getting along with others and has a selfish streak. Getting along takes good communication, and it's clear that neither side has done that. But my heart goes out to the parents.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Aug 20, 2010 9:05 AM
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I am in my 60's. Grow up all you 19 and 20 year olds. It is time to pay your own way. No one says mommy and dad are to pay your way forever. Flip hamburgers or hotdogs. Grow up, you have to do it at some point. We do die and the money does go away. So, become independant. you will need to be when the money runs out.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Joan Morseman
Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:05 AM
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LW1 - I agree that something is missing from this letter. I would like to hear the son's story. He could also just be into playing games, too. That's how my one BIL is. He purposly witholds information like his new address, phone number, etc. We have no idea why. He'll get a new phone number, give you the first 3 numbers and then says, "I'll give you the rest later." We stopped trying to get his info and stopped trying to understand him. Regardless of why he left home and doesn't want his parents to know, they should stop sending him money and take him off the insurance. If he wants to be independent then let him be independent.
LW2 - I understand the frustrations. And this is coming from a woman who was in an abusive relationship. I have a friend who has a boyfriend who pushes her around, lies to her, cheats on her, steals her money, etc. She is always crying about how awful he is and how she wants to leave him. Twice I tried to help her...including buying her things she said she didn't have for her kids like sheets only for her to just go back to him. I learned that she doesn't really want to leave him. So whenever she would call and cry, I would listen and then just say, "You know I'm always here if you need help." She hasn't called as much because I'm not giving in to her and the drama. And, yes, it's drama when she won't do anything about it.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:13 AM
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That first letter is extremely weird. I wish readers like "Joan" up above, and others who are expressing hostility towards this 19 year old, would try to get past their own issues when reading. I've got two children--if one of them moved out at nineteen and asked me "not to look for her" I'd take that as a very severe sign that something was wrong with our relationship. Ordinarily, children love their parents, and parents love their children. They often even enjoy each other's company--and not just for money. In this case a young man walked out, with friends, remained in the neighborhood and got on with his life (attending college, paying his own way). He is well within distance to come home for family dinners, and certainly could have filed his own "forward mail" form with the post office or even with his Grandmother. He didn't do so. Possibly, at nineteen, there wasn't much mail and other stuff coming to his old address for him to care about. In his new life, the people and businesses with which he interacts know his new address.
The letter writer suspects that their son doesn't care about them, and only comes to them for money and he/she wants permission from the Annies to react angrily and try to hurt their child by withdrawing material support because, as they see it, their son is withdrawing emotionally from the family. That's their privilege, or course, no one is denying that. But if that is what family means to them and to their son no wonder they've come to this pass. If there is something wrong with the relationship why don't they man up and *ask their son what the problem is?* The fact that they don't ask for advice on how to do that indicates that what they want is a quick fix: a hurtful gesture, a mild form of "disowning" which they hope will telegraph to their son that they are unhappy that he's cut them out of this life. What they really need is to ask themselves what kind of relationship they had with their son that he seems so eager to abandon. The money is a complete side issue. Call the son and tell him that he can call Grandma and ask her for the check if he wants, and he can come home for a birthday dinner any night of the year, and while you are at it ask him what you can do to make home more welcoming.
aimai
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Comment: #19
Posted by: aimai
Fri Aug 20, 2010 11:07 AM
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LW1 - I also agree something's up that the LW didn't tell us. Yes the son seems immature (then again most are, and yes I'm saying this remembering myself at that age as well as with my oldest in mind), but many young adults this age still keep in contact with their parents and let them know where they're living... sometimes even with horrible situations going on.
So there's definitely more to the story and if the parents are clueless about that then they should seek counseling to figure out what that is. In the meantime maybe the son will learn that being an adult means making sacrifices and learning choices have consequences... in this case, you don't get birthday checks if you don't have a relationship with your parents.
LW2 - I've been there and done that on both sides. You really cannot do anything for those who are in an abusive relationship until they're ready to do something for themselves. The best you can do is not give up. Continue to be there as her friend and as someone else mentioned, offer to provide a safe haven for her to keep a few changes of clothes and other necessities if she has to form an escape plan. If you throw in the towel on your friendship then in essence the abuser wins because part of his goal is to completely isolate her from everyone else so she has nowhere to go.
I also second the Annies' suggestion to call NDVH, and when your friend is ready, give her the number too. They can help her find a way to get out of that situation safely.
Comment: #20
Posted by: PS
Fri Aug 20, 2010 11:35 AM
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Re: Joan Morseman--- WOW I can feel the hate! All the 19 and 20 year olds that are not able to support themselves and rely on parents to support them were raised that way BY THEIR PARENTS! If you see a child that is wandering aimlessly through life and expecting their parents to support them then blame THE PARENT for raising them to be that way. A loving, concerned parent that wants the best for their child would be guiding them and helping them through the difficult teen years. Not this writer who is writing to an advice column when s/he should have gone to see her son and begged for an explanation when s/he felt they did their best. Apparently they did not do a good job at all raising him.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Cathy
Fri Aug 20, 2010 1:59 PM
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I have a fear of barking spiders. Yelling at my husband doesn't help. Any advice?
Comment: #22
Posted by: baba
Fri Aug 20, 2010 3:48 PM
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Re: baba--- Yes be sure to close all cupboard doors and wash your hands ONLY in the bathroom sink. Also if you are short, wear heels and let your hair go it's natural white but ONLY if you have clicking in your throat.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Cathy
Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:16 PM
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Something strange I noticed in LW1. Since I'm on my third college student/child, I've gotten pretty familiar with what you have to do to keep 19+ year olds on health insurance, at least if it is through your employer rather than purchasing a private policy. Most insurance companies ask for proof that the adult child is a fulltime student to keep them on the policy; a photcopy of a studnet ID, copy of the tuition bill, copy of the schedule, something that proves they are taking 12+credits! A little hard to do if you really have no contact. Of course it is possible they are purchasing a private policy if the parents are self-employed, in which case it would definitely make a differnece in the cost because they pay for each family member rather than employee + family.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Elizabeth
Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:37 PM
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Baba and Cathy, I REALLY enjoyed your question and the very funny reply. I needed a good LOL today--thanks, gals!
Comment: #25
Posted by: Jean
Sat Aug 21, 2010 1:18 AM
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LW1... I don't see the money grubbing here, at least by what is written. He called and asked for money *once*. The dad said he was taking him off the insurance but there was nothing written as to the son's reaction to this. Maybe Son said "ok dad I understand". There is no indication one way or the other. The other call for money was for a resend of the birthday checks. Immature- yes, money grubbing- no. He didn't ask for the gift checks, they were presumably freely given. There is something going on here and I think it's more with the parents than the son. Something in the way they were raising him or controlling him or somehow he didn't want to be under their thumb.
Comment: #26
Posted by: It's me
Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:29 AM
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Re: Cathy -- that is the funniest thing I've read in DAYS! Thanks for the laugh!
Comment: #27
Posted by: Cher
Mon Aug 23, 2010 8:51 AM
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This is in response to "duh"'s third point: My dad is an abusive, misogynist jerk. In his own warped way, he felt a sense of responsibility towards "protecting" his family and that included financial matters. Imagine living with Frank and Marie Barone from Everybody loves Raymond and that was probably this kid's world. lol
Comment: #28
Posted by: Annu
Thu Sep 16, 2010 10:47 AM
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