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Grandpa Playing Favorites
Dear Annie: My husband and I have four grandchildren under the age of 12. My stepson is the father of all these children, although the eldest, "Sara," is from an earlier relationship and lives with her mother. Sara rarely sees my stepson, so we have tried to fill that void by being especially close to her.
Here's the problem: My husband tells Sara that she is his favorite grandchild. With all the painful family dynamics involved, I am afraid this comment will eventually cause hurt feelings with the other grandchildren. When I ask my husband not to do this, he says it's the truth, she is his favorite, as if that negates any pain that may result. He also doesn't think she would ever repeat the comment to her half-siblings. But I fear Sara will use that favored status as a weapon one day.
I have a degree in child development and family relations. I chose not to have children of my own, so my position on this is totally academic, mixed with common sense. My husband's position is based on his experience as a father and grandfather. I don't need to win this argument, but I would feel a lot better if you tell me I am worrying about nothing. — Arizona
Dear Arizona: Simply because something is true doesn't mean it is wise to say it out loud. But it's not so much what Grandpa says as what he does. Some grandparents actually tell each child privately that he or she is "the favorite" in order to make all of them feel special. In your case, the other grandchildren would likely surmise that Sara is the favored child based on Grandpa's behavior. And if she lords it over them (and she might), it would be terribly hurtful because it would confirm their worst fears. Ask Grandpa to cool it.
Dear Annie: My daughter is getting married soon. She and her fiance wanted a small wedding. They divided the guest list, giving 50 people to the groom's family, 25 to me, 10 to her father and the remaining guests to their friends.
The groom has many friends and comes from a large family. His family wants to invite 100 people and has offered to pay for the extras. My daughter isn't happy about this, but feels she can't say no. The larger number also means she has to choose a reception hall not to her liking. But when I asked if I could have more people, since I am paying for part of the wedding, she apparently feels comfortable saying "no" to me.
I don't think his parents are respecting her wishes. She wants to make her fiance happy, but it seems as if the groom's mom is taking over the show. Please help me be less resentful. — Bride's Mom
Dear Mom: The bridal couple did not split the guest list very evenly, but when one family is substantially larger than the other, that is sometimes a considerate accommodation. Your daughter wants to placate her new mother-in-law and knows you will love her regardless. Weddings are stressful with demands on all sides. Your support will be a wonderful gift to her.
Dear Annie: Here's my take on the open-or-closed-casket discussion. When I die, I'll be dead. What happens in the earthly world will have no impact on me. The funeral is for the living, the family and those paying for it. Whether their choice is an open or closed casket is of no concern to me. It's for them to decide how they care to remember and honor me. Even cremation is an option, which would eliminate the casket argument altogether. — Don't Care
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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39 Comments | Post Comment
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LW3 This is a subject that was recently discussed in another advice column, which does not have a comment section like Annie's Mailbox. While I understand your feelings, according to Jewish law (which I realize you most likely are not) the funeral is for the benefit of the dead. There are rules about how many people are obligated to attend the funeral of deceased they do not know. If someone knows that not enough people will attend a funeral, and that someone knows about the funeral, he or she is obligated to go. This indicates the funeral is for the deceased, not for the relatives.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Steve
Sat Sep 4, 2010 9:51 PM
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LW1 - I've always thought it was immature for a parent (or in this case, a grandparent) to tell a kid that they're the favorite. But I can see that the grandfather is very likely just trying to compensate for his son's lack of involvement in the child's life. I think the non-favorite grand kids will probably figure it out anyway and if they're not very close to their grandfather, it won't both them that much.
LW2 - I can understand why the letter writer is resentful. I can also understand why the bride is trying to placate her Future MIL. I think the bride should have anticipated that this would happen if she gave in and if she and the fiance truly wanted a small wedding (versus wanting to include more people but being unable to, financially) then I think they should have started their marriage together by standing together, putting their feet down, and saying that they were not going to allow themselves to be bought. It seems like they were already accommodating the fact that the groom's family is large by giving more guests to his side of the family. However, this is just LW2's version of events. It's also possible that this is just her understanding of what's happening and it's not the whole story.
Comment: #2
Posted by: FAW
Sat Sep 4, 2010 9:56 PM
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So much pointless drama and expense! No one needs 100 wedding guests, or even 50. Sounds like another spineless couple more interested in impressing distant relatives with a big, expensive party than in being married. Are they going to let their mothers make all their decisions for them? If this is how they choose to start their life together, they probably won't be together long. LW2, if you really want to help your daughter, realize that it's not your wedding and you're not entitled to invite ANY guests. Tell her the guest list is up to her, and encourage her to act like an adult and stand up to her PITA MIL.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Baldrz
Sat Sep 4, 2010 11:25 PM
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The casket viewing/funeral issue is getting worn out, just as the open cabinet doors, washing items in the kitchen sink and the lunch bandits have become. While I accept Jewish customs as part of their belief system, I feel that attending a person's funeral should not be "obligatory". Also, Jewish laws require that a Jewish person be buried prior to sundown the day after the death, which would make attending the services very difficult for family or friends who must travel from coast to coast, or worse yet, from another country. Perhaps there are "concessions" made for those who are just unable to make the journey due to illness or finances, yet I'm unsure. Until Steve mentioned the obligatory issue, I did not know about it. I knew about a house of Shiva (Jewish grieving) disallowing the use of mirrors on the funeral day (usually mirrors are covered with a towel or blanket) and the burial by sundown; this other piece of information was new. My aunt refuses to look at anyone in their casket, although she will attend open-casket services. A family friend does not attend funerals at all, even those of his mother and older sister. He prefers to remember the lost loved one in his own way. To me, attending a funeral or memorial, and choosing to look at the deceased if it's an open casket, are both very personal matters and I feel each person should feel comfortable making their own decisions. Happy Labor Day tomorrow, everyone.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jean
Sat Sep 4, 2010 11:34 PM
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The grandpa playing favorites reminds me of my mother. As a girl in the middle of two brothers, I became a convenient slave for my obsessive compulsive mother. From the age of 11, I dusted and swept the entire house, including picking up and cleaning my brothers' bedroom. Children very quickly learn who the favorites are; I know I did. I learned not to like my mother and to see her for the narcisist she is. Now incapacitated by stroke and broken hip and slipping mind, she is dependent on me and I am once again a slave in her house. Because of my younger sister and me, she is able to stay in her own house but I do the duties not as a loving daughter. My father would be broke putting her in a nursing home where she should be. I take care of her because there isn't another viable alternative. I have trained my children not to look to either of my parents for the love one can usually expect from grandparents. Because I was the unloved family slave, my children have always been treated as less important by these two. I bide my time taking care of her now, burt her death will bring sweet release. When my dad goes too, I will pack up their house, sell everything, divide what remains with my siblings, and never cry a tear. I will always remember how they made me feel so small, unimportant, with the only purpose of slaving away to my mother's ridiculous ideas of cleaning a house. People do not lovingly remember adults who play favorites.
Comment: #5
Posted by: dr
Sun Sep 5, 2010 4:43 AM
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LW1's husband's grandchildren are all under the age of twelve so, really, what difference does it make if Grandpa has a favorite? LW1 is making way too much out of all of this. I think adults focus too much these days on sparing children hurt feelings or trying to prevent damage to their "delicate" self-esteem. Please! I have a news flash for LW1: life will do plenty of damage to self-esteem and provide ample opportunity for hurt feelings. This is a very small thing when you put it in perspective. Let it go.
LW2 and her new in-laws are high-jacking this wedding. What part of "no" doesn't LW2 understand? The bride and groom made a decision on the guest list and it should have been final. The daughter should not have kowtowed to the new MIL under any circumstances, allowing her to invite double the number of guests because now she's opened up that door for the rest of the family to start making demands. Soon, the stress will snowball and the bride will be forced to transform into a bridezilla to regain control and then she'll be miserable on her big day due to all the tension. Back off and enjoy your daughter's wedding.
LW3, I couldn't agree more. Once I'm dead, I'll be far beyond caring what happens at my funeral. They can dress my like Elvis and put me on a Harley and take pictures with the kiddies for all I'll care.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Sun Sep 5, 2010 5:37 AM
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my favorite grandchild is whichever one is in my lap at the moment. we have two. the oldest is my favorite big girl and the youngest is my favorite little girl. each knows her own status and her sister's. they both know they are loved and cherished.
having seen what my husband went through planning his mother's funeral and attending funerals and wakes of other family members, i have asked him not to have one for me. i don't want to put him through that, because 'that's what our family has always done.' family history being what it is, it is likely he will outlive me. i am to be cremated without ceremony, with the ashes buried in the appropriate spot in the churchyard. if he feels up to planning a memorial service, he has only to let my pastor know. she will help him through the process, step by step. if other family members want to criticize my arrangements, he is off the hook. the arrangements were made by me.
Comment: #7
Posted by: alien07110
Sun Sep 5, 2010 6:02 AM
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Dear Annies,
I have a degree in Nuclear Physics and Atomic Fusion and have an issue involving Nuclear Physics and Atomic Fusion so rather than talk to others in my field or rely on my vast education and experience I thought I'd go to you because I have reason to believe you two know everything.
Good lord. . . .
(sarcasm off) The 12 y.o. granddaghter will be just fine so quit looking for problems where none probably exist and just maybe thinking she's someone's favorite might help her through a tough time. Go read your text books and butt out.
LW2 - Tell you daughter you'll give her $1,000.00 to elope. Seriously. In the long run everyone will be happier for it and the bride won't have to go into "zilla" mode to protect her turf as Chris suggested could happen.
LW3 - I have made arrangements to be a med school cadaver. Whatever my survivors want to do after I'm gone is up to them but it'll be on their own dime and time. I understand that my local university med center does have a cool memorial at the end of the program for the cadavers so the med students can express their appreciation. That's kind of cool. I hope it involves beer.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Rick
Sun Sep 5, 2010 6:36 AM
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For LW1, I can tell you how this played out in my family. My niece was my mother's favorite and she made no secret of that fact. My nephew resented it and so did my son. My son will have nothing to do with either of his cousins because of that (the nephew was favored over my son). When my mother died and we went to her memorial service (she was cremated so no funeral), my niece was the only to speak and in her eulogy she came right out and said that she was my mother's favorite grandchild and how wonderful my mother was (not the truth, my mother was a horrid, abusive witch and didn't have any friends, and alienated all my dad's friends from him). I held my temper, but I wanted to slap my niece - how dare she rub it in the faces of her brother and my son that she was the favored grandchild. I have no respect for my niece and had even less respect for my mother (and I hadn't talked to her in 12 years when she died and I'm not sorry, her toxicity was not something I needed in my life, nor did my grandchildren [my son is 34]).
Comment: #9
Posted by: Vesta
Sun Sep 5, 2010 6:46 AM
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Re: LW2, the mother's disappointment is understandable, but she has to not only rise above it, but let go of it, now and forever. Her daughter gave in, unhappily, to the request for more people from the groom's side; now she's trying desperately to assert some control over what's left of her original wedding plan. Mom needs to back off, stop counting heads and chairs at the wedding, stop being competitive with the groom's mother, and realize that however "unfair" the situation feels, the wedding is not about her. This is not a time to stop being a mom. Her daughter needs her support, not vise versa. Her daughter does NOT need additional emotional pressure and stress coming from her own mother on this already extremely stressful day.
Comment: #10
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Sep 5, 2010 7:09 AM
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LW1-I beg to differ with several posters here about playing favorites being no big deal. My father's mother played favorites over my uncle's older son because his parents were divorced and she "felt sorry for him." Thanks to her involvement, my cousin is a nasty, spiteful, self-entitled, spoiled, bratty 20-something year old. His relationship with his father is terrible due in part to my grandmother's meddling; she put the idea in his head that my uncle abandoned him (not true; he was offered a better job opportunity in another state and his hateful witch of an ex-wife refused to move away from her no-account family).
Needless to say, visiting my grandmother was horribly unpleasant for my brother and me (and unpleasant for my parents). My cousin was always there and had to be the center of her attention. He got whatever he wanted and my grandmother would insist that my brother and I, who are both several years older, give in to his way. My brother and I did not live close by and visits were rare. We never got to have time with her to ourselves.
Playing favorites does hurt the ones who are less favored. However, there often comes a time when it comes back to bite the person playing favorites.
Unfortunately, my grandmother is now paying for her favoritism. She is currently in an assisted care facility and my cousin has only been to see her once. If she wants to talk to him by phone, she has to call. He has never called her.
I am trying very hard not to be resentful. Life is too short and it's ridiculous for me, a 30-something adult, to be still hanging onto old grievances. I see her far more now than I ever did while growing up. Still, it does sadden me to a degree that we're not very close but she has herself to blame for that. She's more worried about what my cousin is doing at the moment. All I can do is concentrate on my own family and do my best not to repeat the same mistakes.
Comment: #11
Posted by: LibraryKat
Sun Sep 5, 2010 7:38 AM
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LW2 -- I was in your same position last year. My daughter's soon-to-be MIL (with lots of $) offered to host the wedding in another state, half-way across the country - somewhere we'd never even been to! MIL took over ALL of the planning, costs, etc. The only thing my daughter got to do was choose and pay for her own wedding dress! Three months before the wedding, the groom pulled out suddenly and the wedding was called off! Needless to say, I was totally ousted from planning my own daughter's wedding!!!! While the initial hurt was there--I soon realized how funny the whole situation was -- with the dreaded MIL holding the bag on caterers, wedding cake, facility costs, etc., etc., etc. So she went ahead and threw a party for HERSELF! My daughter has sworn that she will never allow another MIL to plan her wedding again! Turns out, this is the second time the groom has pulled out of a marriage at the last minute. Good riddance!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Sue
Sun Sep 5, 2010 7:57 AM
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Playing favorites IS a big deal. My grandparents favored my cousin over me and I am still screwed up over it. I'm late 30s
Comment: #13
Posted by: p
Sun Sep 5, 2010 8:02 AM
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Sue since it was the second time the groom had pulled out of a wedding, maybe the future MIL liked your daughter enough she took on the costs 'just in case' and saved you and your daughter a ton of money.
Comment: #14
Posted by: CC Rider
Sun Sep 5, 2010 8:18 AM
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For everyone who insists playing favorites has harmed them in some way, let me ask this question? Are you a stronger person today because of it? Did you accomplish things on your own whereas the favorite always squeaked by with lots of help? Learning early on that life isn't always fair and that people often get by because of their status or connections has a way of building strong character and makes us more determined than ever to succeed. When we realize we didn't win this time, we try harder next time. When it's clear we're not going to get that monetary windfall from Uncle or Grandma we work hard to make it on our own. When we realize we're special because of who we are, not because someone tells us we're the favorite, we can look deep inside ourselves and see our own uniqueness and we validate ourselves. We don't need others to validate us. That's what makes many of us better, stronger and more self-sufficient than those who were spoiled and coddled and told how special and wonderful they were their entire lives.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Chris
Sun Sep 5, 2010 8:36 AM
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Re: Bride's mom--if the couple wants a small wedding that's what they should have! If the bride-to-be feels she can't say no now and doesn't she is facing a lifetime (or at least as long as she is connected to her future MIL) of this situation being played out over and over again. My suggestion is that the bride-to-be and the groom-to-be tell his mom they do appreciate how glad everyone is over their marriage but they are going to keep the wedding as planned but if MIL wants to throw a huge reception 2-3 months after the marriage for all those who were not able to be accomodated at the wedding they would love it!
Comment: #16
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Sun Sep 5, 2010 9:50 AM
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Regarding mom adding more guests to the wedding...
If the bride has agreed to 150 guests, it's no longer a "small" wedding. And, since she has already had to book the larger reception hall, she should consider whether letting her mom and dad also add another 50 guests would really be a problem. That's 5 more tables. (Even if they invite another 50 people, it's unlikely all of them will attend.) The difference between a 150 guest wedding and a 200 guest wedding will not really be that noticeable to her on her wedding day. (I guarantee this. I own Peach Brandy Cottage, a Wedding Venue, and we do weddings every weekend.)
Of course, she is the bride and has every right to say no to her mom. Since she has already said yes to the groom's mom's request, it will be so much easier and more fun in the short run to plan the wedding if she offers to let her parents add up to 50 guests. And it will also be easier to live with in the long run.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Caroline
Sun Sep 5, 2010 9:51 AM
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Re: Baldrz
This bride wants a small wedding, but the groom's parents have decided otherwise. There's a saying that "He who has the gold makes the rules." I suspect that if the Bride and Groom were paying for the wedding, or if only the bride's mom/parents were paying, it would indeed be a small wedding.
Let's look at how the wedding is being paid for...the brides parents are divorced or separated and the bride's mom is helping to pay for the wedding. She is allotted 25 guests. Bride's dad is allotted 10 guests. The groom's parents were allotted 50 guests, but have now negotiated it up to 100 guests. I would deduce that the groom's parents are paying the lions share of this wedding, thus the bride isn't in a position to say "no" to them. (In order to allow the groom's parents to add 50 more guests, the bride has had to give up her first choice of a reception venue.) The bride's mom seems to feel that she should be allotted extra guests, if she is willing to pay for them. Under these circumstances, this is a reasonable request. But the bride's mom is writing the letter, and she really can't do much if the groom's parents hijack the wedding (with the full cooperation of the bride and groom). Hopefully, the bride will reconsider her mom's request.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Caroline
Sun Sep 5, 2010 10:45 AM
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My Nana was one of those grandparents who *actually* told all of her 20 grandchildren that we were her favorite. She'd be doing something individually with us or be alone with us and she'd hug us and say "Don't tell your cousins or brothers but YOU are my favorite, love." Then she'd kiss you. It made me feel very special and like I had a special secret. After she died somehow we were all talking and found out that we'd all had the same thing happen to us. And it made us laugh and love that woman even more. My parents divorced right before I hit puberty and I felt like the ugliest duckling and all alone and was angry. She made me feel loved and beautiful. I miss you Nana!!!!! <3 <3
Comment: #19
Posted by: Liz
Sun Sep 5, 2010 11:06 AM
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LW1 - Playing favorites may not screw you up in the long term. It may make you stronger, more self-reliant, etc. as an individual, as Chris pointed out. However, it does sew discord and alienates people. My grandmother had a favorite son - my uncle. My father was not "favorite" and it clearly showed. He and his brother grew up resenting each other because of that. Once Grandma died, they became virtually estranged, but before her death, when they had children, Grandma played favorites again, but this time less overtly. She told my cousin privately that he was her favorite grandchild. He told me - privately again - the same. Because being the favorite was made so important in the family, my cousin and I fiercely competed with each other for the "true favorite" status. It ruined our relationship. Growing up next door to each other, we never developed any closeness. Once we grew up and understood what Grandma did to us, we were able to let go of the mutual resentment and the ridiculous competition and trying upstage each other at every turn. But we simply didn't know how to be close, and didn't have any desire to learn, really. We effectively became strangers. It isn't a huge loss for either of us, but it isn't a benefit either.
LW2 - That's why I am all for the town hall marriages. Saves you a lot of headache.
LW3 - Who cares? Have an open casket, have a closed one, cremate the body, whatever. To each family its own, and if there are disagreements in the family, let them resolve it within the family. It's not like there is one rule or one common sense approach to this. I wish Annies would already drop it, or next we'll be reading how somebody who never closed cabinets, hit his head on the door, fell face-first into a kitchen sink full of germs from the inappropriate hand-washing, got into a throat-clicking fit and drowned, and was laid out in an open casket. Yech.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Ariana
Sun Sep 5, 2010 11:28 AM
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Re: Jean
The Jewish community requires 10 Jews to be present before certain prayers can be said. The obligation is not on the family of the deceased but on the community as whole to provide a minyan (10 Jews) so that the family can properly say Kaddish. In services, certain prayers cannot be recited without at least 10 Jews present. The obligatory attendance is for the benefit of the living. Read the Kaddish. It is a glorious affirmation of life and hope.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Linda Dorfmont
Sun Sep 5, 2010 11:55 AM
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Re: dr--Why are you still allowing them to use you like this? Tell your favored brothers they need to step in and take over your mother's care. Walk away and let the chips fall where they may. It sounds like you don't owe them anything. Your father either participated or did nothing to stop your mother, (you say "they" made you feel small), so why are you helping him now?
Comment: #22
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Sep 5, 2010 12:45 PM
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OK, for those who dismiss the idea of playing favorites is inconsequential, take a look at these articles (Ebsco Host Psychology & Behavioral Science Collection):
Taylor, A., Robila, M., & Hae Seung, L. (2005). Distance, Contact, and Intergenerational Relationships: Grandparents and Adult Grandchildren from an International Perspective. Journal of Adult Development, 12(1), 33-41. doi:10.1007/s10804-005-1280-7.
Bernal, J., & Anuncibay, R. (2008). Intergenerational Grandparent/Grandchild Relations: The Socioeducational Role of Grandparents. Educational Gerontology, 34(1), 67-88. doi:10.1080/03601270701763993.
Hartfield, B. (1996). Legal recognition of the value of intergenerational nurturance: Grandparent visitation statutes.. Generations, 20(1), 53. Retrieved from Psychology and Behavioral Sciences Collection database.
Ruiz, S., & Silverstein, M. (2007). Relationships with Grandparents and the Emotional Well-Being of Late Adolescent and Young Adult Grandchildren. Journal of Social Issues, 63(4), 793-808. doi:10.1111/j.1540-4560.2007.00537.x.
Mitchell, W. (2008). The role played by grandparents in family support and learning: considerations for mainstream and special schools. Support for Learning, 23(3), 126-135. doi:10.1111/j.1467-9604.2008.00383.x.
It goes without saying we humans are social creatures. Had I looked up articles regarding the importance of family relationships (specifically within nuclear families) on child development, no doubt the number of results would have bogged down the server. Favoritism does not just harm the less favored child(ren), it also harms the favored child and the other adults involved. If either my parents or my husbands' showed favoritism towards our children, we would have quite a bit to say about it or rather not so much as we would limit contact.
My relationship with my own parents was not an easy one while I was growing up; they kept the same rigid control on me as a teen that they had when I was a small child. I was an A student, I broke curfew once, I never did drugs nor drank alcohol and I was not sexually active but to hear them talk, you'd think I gave Paris Hilton lessons. It would have been nice to have had an advocate, someone who was a shoulder to cry on. I didn't have anyone I could turn to because we never lived anywhere long enough to form that kind of bond with a non-family member. I would rather have had that than visits to a therapist as an adult as well as the pain and heartache of dealing with it all at once after I left home. It almost cost me my marriage.
Comment: #23
Posted by: LibraryKat
Sun Sep 5, 2010 1:08 PM
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dr, I just had to write to say my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry to hear that you had to be the slave growing up. And I'm sad to hear that you are so beaten down that you're allowing it to continue now that you're an adult. I know you are trying to help for your father's sake, but I think you should care about yourself for a change. You only live once and you can't fix your childhood, but you have an obligation to *yourself* now to have a happy life, put your foot down, and stop being a slave. Unsolicited advice, sorry. I just hate to see you waste your adulthood after all you've already endured as a child.
I think playing favorites among grandchildren is wrong, but it's WAY WAY worse with your own children. My parents both have many siblings with many children, and by the time I was born, my grandparents weren't really involved. I wasn't given a lot of attention by grandparents and I don't really care, but I have many many cousins, so there were many of us non-favorites. The one who is really suffering is my oldest cousin because he was grandma's favorite. His mom was grandma's favorite child and got everything from her. And grandma has always bailed this cousin out of everything. She's paid his child support to his ex wife so he could see his kids. She's paid for his lawyers when he got DUIs. She totally enabled him. He never finished high school. The rest of us cousins went to college and have taken care of ourselves. My dad was penalized because he finished college and got advanced degrees, and I did too. I don't care that my grandmother seems jealous or resents us for success, but it does hurt my dad. But like I said, it's very painful for a parent to play favorites. But in my case, I don't care if my grandparents did. I do feel bad for my father though, being treated poorly because of his successes. My grandmother likes to feel needed. So much so that she's in big debt because for years she's been giving money (that she doesn't have, using credit cards) to my eldest cousin. And now that grandma is in her 90s and needs to move into a retirement home, she wants my father to pay to put her there because she gave all her savings to his eldest sister!
Comment: #24
Posted by: FAW
Sun Sep 5, 2010 1:21 PM
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You were so right about never telling a child they are the 'favorite' i have a distant cousin who was ALWAYS her grandparents favorite. Special trips, gifts, treatment, while her siblings were ignored. The siblings grew up, enjoy life, got degrees and support themselves. The favoed child? She has had 8 children out of wedlock, can't support herself and can't figure out while the rest of the world doesn't think she is as wonderful as her now deceased grandparents. Once they were gone and the money dried up, she went downhill fast. My own first cousin,Kerri, was always our Grandparent's favorite. As a child she got all the best gifts and their time. As an adult, nothing was ever enough and eventually she got caught embezelling from our Grandparents. She never went to jail, but she is not invited to or welcome at any family gatherings. Arizona's husband is begging for trouble.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Tracy
Sun Sep 5, 2010 1:30 PM
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Re: Rick
Good answer --- I like your style!
Comment: #26
Posted by: Lynn
Sun Sep 5, 2010 1:59 PM
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Re: Ariana -
Your response to LW3 was the best!! I snorted ice tea out my nose on that one.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Rick
Sun Sep 5, 2010 2:40 PM
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@LibraryKat Nobody here is saying that playing favorites is okay or acceptable. Furthermore, as people have suggested, the favorite is often the one most harmed by the favoritism. I for one am merely suggesting that in light of everything that can happen to one to shape what he or she becomes in his or her life, it's not the worst thing in the world to not be the favorite of a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Chris
Sun Sep 5, 2010 3:53 PM
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I know one family in which one son was favored and spoiled over the others. After the mother died, and left property to this son, several of the siblings made a big legal mess out of it. It was recognized that the mother really didn't have much confidence in this son--not good for him at all.
Comment: #29
Posted by: partsmom
Sun Sep 5, 2010 5:20 PM
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In regards to the "favorite grandchild:" I was my grandfather's favorite, and everyone knew it. It was embarrassing to me. My siblings and cousins referred to it matter-of-factly ("Well, you're his favorite.") and sometimes I was delegated to ask him for something we all wanted. They didn't express any jealousy, but we all found it odd and very impolite that he so often made this known, and I felt I was taking something away from them. My advice to Grampa is - don't do it! You are being selfish and your action may hurt your granddaughter. Even if she is mature enough not to use this as a weapon over her siblings, she may not like it. I sure didn't. Instead, I recommend what my husband would do with the younger generation: when saying good-bye, he would enfold them in a warm hug, and whisper in their ear (for them alone) "I love you very, very much." A happy smile was always the result and none of them cared that he said that to all of them.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Montana Woman
Sun Sep 5, 2010 5:24 PM
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My MIL was the un-favorite of her mother. It screwed her up for life. Her self-esteem is zilch, she has a nasty case of depression that has lasted decades, and any little wrong word convinces her that someone hates her (9 years of marriage to her son, and she's still convinced I don't like her). This is a lady who's passed the big 8-0 landmark.
I don't see where any of that is being a stronger person.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Krystyne
Sun Sep 5, 2010 5:32 PM
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The whole favorite grandchild thing is partly how it is handled. All my dad's grandkids agreed that my youngest daughter was her grandpa's favorite. You see, my husband wasn't available to get me to the hospital fast enough, he actually arrived after the big event, so my dad drove me. Since my dad was there, he was allowed to come into the delivery room to hold his youngest grandchild when she was just minutes old. He always claimed she winked at him that first time he held her. So all the kids would joke that she was grandpa's favorite because she "cheated." After all, there is nothing you can ever do that will compete with that. And then they would all laugh about it and say grandpa still had plenty of love to go around anyway. Maybe, if Arizona can't find a way to get grandpa to drop the "favorite grandkid" stuff, she can find a way to insert a little humor and diffuse it. If grandpa spends plenty of time and attention with each grandchild, using the "favorite" word shouldn't matter too much. Actions speak louder than words with children.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sun Sep 5, 2010 9:47 PM
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One of the best gifts I ever got as a teacher was reading an evaluation I got when I was teaching college English. The student said, "She doesn't play favorites, but she makes everyone feel like her favorite." If I ever have grandchildren, I'm going to keep that going. Erma Bombeck wrote a column about how each of her children was her favorite in some way.
My maternal grandmother had 8 children, and it was obvious who her 3 favorites were. Same way with the grandchildren. At her funeral, my cousin talked about how "she never forgot a birthday." I'm thinking--she never acknowledged mine, at all. My paternal grandmother adored us all, so that made up for it.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Sep 5, 2010 11:16 PM
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Ariana, gotta agree with Rick: your response to LW 3 was REALLY funny. Rick, please tell me you aimed for the kitchen sink when you snorted! Linda, thanks for the info re: prayers for a Jewish person's funeral ceremony.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Jean
Mon Sep 6, 2010 2:51 AM
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@Chris
Yes, I understand what you are saying and I agree it is not the worst thing that can happen, however the view of the situation from a child's perspective is often different from an adult's. I also stated that favoritism harms the favored child more; my cousin is a prime example.
I also stated that I am trying not to let it bother too much, not just for myself but also because my grandmother is getting more senile with each passing year and I do not want to pass this load of baggage on to my kids; that's between my grandmother and me. But then, I have this condition called being human...I would be pretty stone-hearted if it didn't bother me just ever so slightly once in a while. The person I really feel the most sympathy for is my uncle's younger son by his present wife. His older brother got all of our grandmother's attention and he really didn't get much at all. As it stands, I think the two people who are most hurt by the situation are my father and uncle. And believe me, they have both chewed my grandmother out for it.
Comment: #35
Posted by: LibraryKat
Mon Sep 6, 2010 8:38 AM
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Treating all children and grandchildren fairly and equally is not only the best thing for kids emotionally, it also sets a good example. Parents and grandparents who do not play favorites are modeling good behavior.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Van Wickle
Mon Sep 6, 2010 11:00 AM
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I have 6 grandchildren and I truly try not to play favorites, but it's hard. 3 of my grandchildren live out of state and I don't see them as often as I would like. I spend a lot of time with the 3 that live just a few miles away. I have told my grandchildren that they are my favorite "baby girl", Jonny, oldest boy, etc. They are all my favorite when they are with me, but I personalize it to the point that none of them are my all-time favorite.
My former MIL has made it no secret that my children sit at the bottom of her list of favorites. They are resentful and angry and when she recently called and berated my daughter for not keeping in touch, or paying her homage, she hung up on her. Now she cries to anyone who will listen that they are ungrateful and uncaring. I heard from a sister-in-law that Betty blames me and claims I turned the kids against her. I just wish I had quit trying sooner to forge a relationship that was doomed the day I signed the divorce papers.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Sharon
Tue Sep 7, 2010 12:03 AM
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Adding my two cents late, so probably no one will see this...
On playing favorites: Yes, I suppose we could all consider having to deal with a relative who plays favorites as a "character building" experience -- but at the end of the day, when you're an adult relative, you're supposed to do what you reasonably can to be good to the children in your life, not play crazy "favorite" mind games.
On wedding planning: my parents paid for my wedding, and as far as I was concerned, that meant they got to set the rules. Fortunately for me, they really love me and wanted what was best for all concerned, so the "rules" were pretty easy to live with. In the case of LW2, the future in-laws offered to pay for all of the extra guests they wanted to invite. While it would still have been OK for the bride and groom to stick to their guns about wanting a small wedding, it's hard to find fault with the in-laws, as they are happy to pay for the extra guests. It's unclear from the letter just how much the mother is paying for the wedding, but unless she's ready to fork out the money for the additional people she wants to invite, she needs to just let this go. Indeed, as several posters noted, that's what she needs to do anyway. If the mother really thinks the groom's mother was wrong to ask permission to invite additional guests, why was it then all right for the mother to ask to invite additional guests -- last I checked, two wrongs do not make a right.
And for the umpteenth time, is there any way to get the Annies to stop printing random funeral comments?
Comment: #38
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Sep 7, 2010 10:22 AM
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My brother was the favorite when we were kids - everything began and ended with him. I was not able to take certain classes in HS that I wanted because my brother was taking another class and he was going to need help, so I had to take it as well. Dinner out (which was nearly every night) was dominated by conversations about how he was doing. When I got older I realized that all that focus on him was because my parents didn't feel that he was very stable emotionally. I apparently was a rock . . . I still see my parents on a regular basis and we have a good, solid relationship - I think they did a good job with what they had to work with.
My brother was also the favorite of the grandmas. First born grandchild (huge bonus points for being male) on dad's side, firstborn male grandchild on mom's side. Lavished with gifts and given a pass on everything short of murder.
I don't go down "home" to the grandmothers' very often -it's been years, in fact, since I've even seen them, let alone talked to them. I don't miss them and have no idea if they miss me.
I admit that I felt visciously gleeful when he fell from his pedastal - but then it was time for me to start my own life - and now guess who's NOT financially strapped and had to file bankruptcy . . . :)
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Sep 7, 2010 3:35 PM
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