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Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries
Dear Annie: I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. My in-laws favor the older girl. They buy her more presents, give her more money and pay way more attention to her than to her sister. They almost seem obsessed with her. As soon as she walks in the …Read more.
Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more.
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Good Samaritans or Ulterior Motives?
Dear Annie: My sister, "Elaine," has terminal cancer. Yesterday, I got a call from someone named "Laura" telling me Elaine had made arrangements to move in with a family from her church. I offered to let her come here and even said she could bring her elderly dog so they could spend her final months together. I did this even though I am allergic to dogs. However, I was told she only wanted me to take the dog.
This morning, I visited Elaine, who did not appear to be as bad as I had been led to believe. Laura, a member of my sister's church, was with her. I repeated my offer to take both Elaine and the dog, but was told emphatically that she was staying with a church family.
I am concerned that the "church" has an ulterior motive. I asked for information from hospice about Elaine's care, but no one has gotten back to me and it's been nearly a week. What should I do? Elaine is an adult and competent. — Sister in Waiting
Dear Sister: Even if Laura's motives are to get Elaine's money for the church, there's not much you can do if your sister is competent to make these decisions. Can you talk to Elaine directly? If not and if she is under hospice care, someone from that organization should be visiting regularly, and you can direct your questions to them in person. If Laura is the only one caring for your sister, contact your local Area Agency on Aging or the Eldercare Locator (www.eldercare.gov) at 1-800-677-1116 and ask for assistance.
Dear Annie: I am a 15-year-old girl who lives in the middle of nowhere. My 8-year-old brother, "Andrew," is autistic, and I am the only person he connects with. Because of this, my mother often gives me responsibility for Andrew. I feel like I have to grow up quickly so I can take care of him.
Is my mom pushing him off on me, or am I being selfish because I want a life? — Confused in the Country
Dear Confused: Neither. Your mother recognizes that Andrew responds best to you, so she relies on you for his care. But you also are entitled to be 15. That means compromise. Discuss this calmly with Mom, and ask for more time without Andrew. If your school has a counselor, you can use that person as a source of support, along with any adult relative or friend who can intercede on your behalf. You also can find support groups on the Internet and through the Autism Society of America (autism-society.org), which has a section on Family Issues that includes siblings of those with autism. Good luck.
Dear Annie: Like "Observer," I have noticed that many young married couples have chosen to cut off grandparents. In my case, this was not a lightly chosen step.
Both my husband and I come from broken homes. In the first year of our son's life, we made huge efforts to allow our parents into our lives. But my mother associates with a drug-addicted boyfriend and insists on bringing him when she visits.
My mother-in-law has a history of involving the police when she gets into any argument she can't win. We decided it was better not to have these toxic parents in our child's life than to spend every moment protecting him.
We know one day our son will ask questions about his grandparents. Meanwhile, we found foster grandparents and connected with many loving relatives. I hope one day our son will know that at the cost of his past, his father and I have given him a loving and supportive future. — Parentless Parent
Dear Parent: We understand when grandparents are problematic and visits must be limited or supervised, but we hope you can still maintain some form of contact, even if it is just a photograph once a year. You never know what the future will bring.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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18 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2: Oooh, it really boils my blood when children are forced to take care of younger siblings in place of the parents. It's a real hot button issue for me. If they want to help a bit, that's fantastic. But if they miss out on their own childhoods because they are saddled with taking care of someone they did not bring into the world and the parents, who are the ones who chose to have those kids, force them to do it, it's downright mean.
Comment: #1
Posted by: FAW
Sun Aug 8, 2010 9:30 PM
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FAW,
I see what you are saying, but I think it depends on how much older siblings are asked to care about the younger ones. The 15yo LW should have a life a normal 15yo should have, of course, but to let her help with the brother only if she wants to seems very strange to me. Does she get to do other chores only if she wants to too?
They are a family, and family members take care of each other in need (barring abusive or emotionally toxic situations). I agree that it is unfair to the girl if she has to spend all her time helping her brother, managing his behavior, making sure he is fed, safe, etc., etc., etc. It's the parents' job. She needs time for school, friends, extracurricular activities, etc. But if she can take him to school every day or pick him up on the way from her own school, it's not too much. If she helps him with homework a couple of times a week, it's not too much either. She can discuss with her parents what's fair and reasonable.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Ariana
Sun Aug 8, 2010 10:05 PM
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In regards to LW3, My mother cut off contact with her mother when I was 13 and she had verbally abused me and assulted my Mom. When I became a Mom I decided to try to have contact my Grandmother and try to have a relationship. Without going into detail lets just say that she hadn't changed and I made the same decision as my mom.
My Mom also tends to have Mood swings and I have warned her that contact would be cut off if she took them out on my children. Last Januaray she didn't listen and for 2 months we have no contact with her. I decided to give her one more chance and she seems to understand that I am serious about my children not being put through that because she hasn't been taking anything out on my kids, Husband or myself. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Yoshi Mama
Sun Aug 8, 2010 10:51 PM
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Eldercare is a good suggestion...assuming that "Elaine" is elderly. I don't see where, in her letter, SIW said or implied that? She said that Elaine has cancer and owns an elderly dog. Since many dog breeds only live 12 years or so, this says little about the age of the owner. I'm 36 and own an elderly cat that I adopted when I was in college (she's 17 years old). If Elaine is not elderly like her dog, SIW might need other resources available to cancer victims and their families.
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/Caregivers/index
http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Support/resources
Comment: #4
Posted by: Bear
Mon Aug 9, 2010 12:24 AM
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It's possible that LW2's brother relates to her better because the mother isn't very emotionally available in the first place. It's true that family members take care of one another, but is the daughter expected to be her brother's caregiver forever? Is this a lifelong, full-time, unwanted, not-allowed-to-quit job? That's actually a fair definition of slavery.
The brother will be autistic all his life. LW2 needs to at least know that she can get on with hers as she grows up. She needs to be able to date, finish her schooling, get a job, marry if she wants to. What are the mother's plans then? Does the brother go along on her dates? Does he go to work with her? Does he move in with her and her husband?
If not, what happens to him? Does he live at home with a mother who has never had much time or empathy for him?
Yes, family members care for one another. But that includes mothers, too.
Comment: #5
Posted by:
Mon Aug 9, 2010 4:37 AM
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It's possible that LW2's brother relates to her better because the mother isn't very emotionally available in the first place. It's true that family members take care of one another, but is the daughter expected to be her brother's caregiver forever? Is this a lifelong, full-time, unwanted, not-allowed-to-quit job? That's actually a fair definition of slavery.
The brother will be autistic all his life. LW2 needs to at least know that she can get on with hers as she grows up. She needs to be able to date, finish her schooling, get a job, marry if she wants to. What are the mother's plans then? Does the brother go along on her dates? Does he go to work with her? Does he move in with her and her husband?
If not, what happens to him? Does he live at home with a mother who has never had much time or empathy for him?
Yes, family members care for one another. But that includes mothers, too.
Comment: #6
Posted by:
Mon Aug 9, 2010 4:37 AM
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I was reared without grandparents. Both grandmothers and one grandfather were dead by the time I was born and the other grandfather died when I was 18 mos. I grew up around friends who had grandparents in all shapes, sizes, locations and varying degrees of involvement. I knew early on that I had no grandparents and seemed to have a very enjoyable childhood and I seem to have adjusted just fine.
My own parents were good grandparents and were as involved with their grandchildren as they could be depending on logistics and whatever was going on in all of our lives.
Why do the Annies think that it is so important for kids to have contact with abusive, toxic people just because they are “grandparents'? I don't get it. Lots and lots of us have become fine, well adjusted, contributing members of society without the influence of having Grand Ma and Grand Pa.
Don't get me wrong; if a child can have contact with loving, caring, role models that is truly wonderful but to force contact with less than enjoyable grandparents just because they are there seems kind of silly and, quite frankly, makes it look like those of us who didn't have grandparents had some sort of incomplete childhoods. Really. We're okay. Kids can survive without Drunk Granny. ;-)
Comment: #7
Posted by: Rick
Mon Aug 9, 2010 6:54 AM
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Re: Yoshi Mama -- I certainly understand your situation and your choices. Your mom should certainly understand since she had to make that big decision herself. But has your mom always had mood swings or is it something new that might be related to menopause? If she's always had them, she could have some chronic condition (bipolar comes to mind as a possibility) and should be under a doctor's care and probably be taking medication. The symptoms of menopause can also be helped with treatment. In any case, your mom's problem could be a medical problem and treatable. On the other hand, if she's been drinking or doing drugs, that would be something I would want to keep my child away from. I hope things work out.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Mon Aug 9, 2010 7:33 AM
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Re LW2 again:
Nowhere in the letter does it say that the girl is expected to take care of her brother 24/7 for the rest of her life. The letter doesn't even say that the brother is so severely autistic that he will not be able to live independently. Many children on the spectrum are high-functioning or are, at least, in the middle. I also don't see any indication that the mother is emotionally unavailable or that the parents are not doing other things to prepare their son for independent living later on. All the girl says is that, and I quote, "[her] mother often gives [her] responsibility for Andrew" because the sister is the only person the boy connects with. We don't know what it means. How often is "often"? And what is the nature of the responsibilities? The extent of her expected involvement is everything. Her assessment of it may be accurate, or it may not. (No 15yo ever complained that he/she has too many chores to do without a good cause, right?) Is she expected to work several hours a day being a mother's helper/nanny/au pair to a disabled child? Absolutely unfair. Is she expected to babysit him for a couple of hours once a week while mom does the grocery run and maybe to try to make sure that he doesn't have a meltdown on the school bus? Fair.
I give my 5yo some "responsibility" for her 4mo brother. It involves her giving him a pacifier if we are on the freeway and he starts crying. She often complains that this is too much "work." Her reason? She doesn't want to touch his pacifier because, as she puts it, "he may burp on me." Since our only options are either for her to give him a pacifier or for all of us to listen to him cry until he has tuckered himself out or we have reached our destination, I have let her choose what she wants to do. She has chosen to give him the pacifier if he starts crying (I doubt anybody finds a screaming baby to be a comfortable experience), but to listen to her, she has become her brother's full-time caregiver at the ripe old age of 5. Anyone who would take her word for it is daft. A 15yo is surely more mature than that, so I do not discount her complaints out of hand, but I wouldn't take them as Gospel without some examples of what it is that her mother expects her to do. That is one of the reasons I think Annies' advice is quite sound in this case. Also, I wish there were a siblings' version of "Welcome to Holland" - a wonderful essay by Emily Kingsley on raising a disabled child.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Ariana
Mon Aug 9, 2010 8:51 AM
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IF young married couples cut off contact between their children & their parents for VALID reasons, that is one thing. Certainly grandparents who are drug addicts, alcoholics, verbally or physically abusive etc can do more harm to their children & grandchildren than should be tolerated. I support cuttting off contact when the person in question truly is 'toxic' & the relationship is harmful. LW3's stated reasons support that scenario.
What is sad is when a child cuts off contact between their children & their parents for no good reason--other than for their own selfish reasons, perceived insults/slights, because they can't get their own way, etc. I know a woman who has badmouthed her mother to anyone who will listen & who has not spoken to her mother for over 2 years & has refused to allow any contact between the grandmother/grandchild. Her reason for declaring her mother "toxic" Grandma refused to keep her grandchild full-time & for free when the mom was ready to go back to work. Grandma had agreed to keep the child for her daughter to have a 'date' night with her husband once a week on Friday or Saturday & one weekend a month as well. The grandma had not been a free built-in babysitter for any of her other children's kids. She had explained to all her kids she was not going to provide this service. True, she does not work but she put it this way: when she spent time with/kept her grandkids, she wanted it to be a joy, not a duty, job, obligation. She reared 4 kids of her own, nursed a husband through a terminal illness, remarried & wants to be able to pursue her own interests with her new husband not be tied down running a daycare! This is a case of an adult child being pissed off they are (gasp!) actually going to have to bear the responsibility, including financial, of rearing their own child! This young mom's words are "We'll see who gives in first!" And who is being hurt by her petty spiteful actions~~her child & her mother.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Mon Aug 9, 2010 11:42 AM
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It's possible LW1's sister has fallen "prey" to a church who has vowed to take care of her in exchange for a sizable "donation" from her assets upon her death. So what? If the sister is amiable to these arrangements then so be it. Perhaps this church stepped up to the plate when her own family failed to do so. Maybe LW1's sister doesn't want to live with her. Whatever the case, the sister is in her right mind and entitled to do what she wishes including leaving every cent she has to the church upon her demise.
If LW3 wishes to convince readers she's justified in cutting off her child's paternal grandparents because her Mother-in-law has "a history of involving the police..." then she better do a little more explaining. Did the MIL witness abuse? Have there been other problems in the LW's home that gave the MIL reason to call the police? Without more information, LW3 sounds like one of those harpy wives whose decided her husband's family can't possibly hold a candle to her own and will find any reason to cut them out. Typically, the spineless husbands go along with this nonsense to the detriment of the children. I'm with Annie in advising the LW to think carefully; she should maintain some tacit contact with the grandparents for the sake of the children unless there are very valid reasons to cut them out permanently. From the information provided, I just don't see the justification.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Mon Aug 9, 2010 2:40 PM
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I work in a nursing home. Has anyone considered that maybe LW1's sister doesn't want her sister to have to bear the burden of caring for her when she's dying? Dying is not pretty. Maybe she'd rather acquaintances take care of her versus her sister.
And I'm biased against LW2 because I had a friend who had a severely autistic younger brother and was expected to be his caregiver. She's 28 now and her mother wants her to move back in to take care of him for her. It does happen.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Liz
Mon Aug 9, 2010 3:50 PM
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Re: Yoshi Mama
Your situation is definitely understandable... sometimes no contact ends up being a natural consequence that stings enough that it can help precipitate good changes. In many cases, sadly it means an ongoing effort to practice self-preservation. I've experienced both, it's never an easy thing to do and there's both things to be sad and grateful about either way.
I guess in my own long-winded way I just wanted to offer my support :-)
Comment: #13
Posted by: PS
Mon Aug 9, 2010 4:37 PM
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Re: Anne W.
I didn't see anywhere in what LW2 said that the mother was somehow emotionally or otherwise unavailable and I don't think that's a fair judgment to pronounce with what little information the letter provided. It doesn't even say if the LW has to do all the care - Mom may simply ask her to spend an extra couple hours here and there hanging out with her brother because it helps him in some way.
As an autistic with two kids on the spectrum, I can tell you that we can and do often connect with someone else other than our parents for a variety of reasons. My son and daughter have an amazing connection even though they don't get to see each other often because they know they speak each other's language if you will. I remember one visit my daughter walked in the door and my son, who was maybe three at the time, automatically broke out in this HUGE smile because the familiarity was so clear to him.
It is special when a child with autism connects with someone, and if it happens to be a non-parental figure, that doesn't mean the parents have done something wrong.
Some people happily offer to take on being caretaker to their disabled siblings if the parents can no longer do so. A friend's daughter was planning to do so with her brother before she died first and I think she would have done a great job. I've got another friend who's fighting for guardianship of his older sister because her current one is downright crappy and he's been wanting to do that for years... so you can't fit these situations in a box.
Yet other situations having the sibling be a caretaker would be a bad idea for a variety of reasons. Maybe that person lives in an area where resources are abysmal. Yet others could be abusive or themselves have an impairment that renders them incapable of being anyone else's caregiver even if they can otherwise function (or not). In those cases yes, it's better to have other arrangements.
Comment: #14
Posted by: PS
Mon Aug 9, 2010 4:50 PM
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Re: Ariana
By no stretch of the imagination would I ever consider watching a sibling a chore. This is not the type of responsibility a child needs while growing up. And I wouldn't even start to compare cramming a pacifier in a baby's mouth to watching an autistic sibling. Totally and completely different situations.
Teenagers have all they can handle with just growing up. Yes, they should be doing chores around the house and perhaps taking on a part-time job if their studies allow (which they will get paid for). It is unreasonable, though, to expect any teenager to largely contribute to the rearing of their younger siblings.
This girl needs to speak up and let her mother know that she has her own life to work on, and needs to step back a little from raising her brother.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Hawker
Mon Aug 9, 2010 5:34 PM
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re-Pat-tricia
Nope, My Adoptive mother has never drank or did drugs nor is she Bi-Polar. She began having Mood swings when she started menopause though it had leveled out in recent years. Usually stress will triggar a Mood swing but since I temporarily cut things off and we reconciled she hasn't taken any of her mood swings out on us. She knows that my Husband and I will not allow her to take it out on us or our kids again. She's been a very good mother, I was older when I was adopted so she took on alot when she got me. She started menopause a couple years aftyer the confrontation between her Mother so I know that she wasn't having a mood swing during that. Despite everything I know she loves me and my Children and even my husband. And now that she knows she could definitly lose us she has stopped it.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Yoshi Mama
Mon Aug 9, 2010 8:46 PM
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Talk about toxic grandparents, my mother is as toxic as you can imagine. We took the desperate measure to move more than 3000 miles away when we were expecting our first child just to break contact. Our daughters have met their grandmother on three or four occasions when we have flown home and she has come to visit twice in 28 years. We keep the contact to a minimum and has respectful as possible. In the meantime we found "honorary" grandparents that filled that void of experiencing the wisdom and love of an older generation. Our daughters are very well balanced young women, who understand why we have kept contact with Grandma to a minimum. Still to this day my mother has the ability to reduce to a blubbering mess of tears with her toxic comments, and it is refreshing when my daughters very respectfully have had the courage to stand up for me.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Vanessa
Tue Aug 10, 2010 7:46 AM
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Yoshi-Mama, has your mother actually been to a doctor for her mood swings? Even if she's not bipolar, she might have an illness that is very treatable.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Paul
Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:03 PM
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