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Don't Touch My Kids!
Dear Annie: A year ago, my uncle was released from prison after serving time for sexually abusing a little boy and girl. I have two young children. Anytime my uncle is around and I see him pick up my kids and give them kisses, I freak out and yell, "Don't touch my kids."
My mother and grandmother think I am being overprotective. They insist he would never hurt my children because they are family and are younger than his usual victims.
I was sexually abused when I was younger and am very sensitive to protecting my children from what I went through. With my children being so young and only one of them just now learning to speak, I am worried that if something happens, I won't know about it. Am I wrong for being so careful even though my uncle is a close family member? — Protective Mother
Dear Protective: No. The majority of victims know their abusers, and many are family members. Being related does not protect them. Your children are at risk, especially as they get a little older and move into your uncle's favorite age group. While you don't have to yell every time he greets them, you should keep your eyes open and not let him be alone with any of your children at any time. If the rest of your family thinks you are overreacting, too bad.
Dear Annie: I have a rare condition called Dercum's disease (adiposis dolorosa). It is characterized by painful lumps, lipomas or tumors all over the body, weight gain for no reason, overwhelming fatigue, and weakness. It can cause severe pain and, as it progresses, disability. It is difficult to lose weight, and strenuous exercise can aggravate the condition.
We go against medical logic. Imagine how hard it is to see a doctor who takes one look and says, "Your health would improve if you'd just lose weight and exercise." Many of us go from doctor to doctor being insulted, but not diagnosed.
Dercum's was identified more than 120 years ago, but there is still no known cause or cure. It is very rare — perhaps 500 people in the entire U.S. have it. There may be hundreds more who have not been properly diagnosed, because most medical professionals have never heard of it.
I am a group leader for a Dercum's disease support group (mdjunction.com/dercums-disease) at 1105 Holly Dr., Lafayette, IN 47909. Please check us out if you have questions. Thank you, Annie, for the opportunity to spread the word. — Diane in Lafayette, Ind.
Dear Diane: We appreciate the useful information for our readers and hope any who are concerned about this disease will check out your group.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Married and Alone." In your response, you suggested she have her hubby's testosterone checked.
My man got his testosterone checked, and it was very low. There were also outbursts of anger if he was asked about it. We got expensive counseling for anger. It didn't help the testosterone problem and didn't do much for the anger problem. The counselor gave no suggestion as to what to do about the low testosterone and, in fact, refused to talk about it, so my man feels he needn't follow up. Like a lot of men, he doesn't want to discuss such intimate problems.
I'm ready to go it alone because I'm tired of him picking fights in order to keep me at arm's length in the bedroom. What's the solution? — Not Coping
Dear Not: The solution is to see an internist who can test and prescribe medication for low testosterone, something a counselor cannot do. Tell your man you are walking out the door if he doesn't see a medical doctor. Call in advance, and alert the doctor to the problem in case your guy refuses to discuss it. Assure him he'll feel so much better if this is taken care of.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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45 Comments | Post Comment
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Are LW1s mother and grandmother high? This man was convicted of molesting children. I don't know where she lives but I wonder if the uncles parole officer knows that he is around children. Were it me, I might be making a couple of phone calls. But really, LW1 needs to realize that she is the only one in this situation who is willing to protect her children and that it really only takes a few seconds for a predator to do something to harm a child. I've spoken to people who have said 'He touched me while my mom went to get something from the kitchen' or 'When everyone was around but nobody was looking'. Not only should this man not be touching her children, but he should not be in the same location as them. If LW1 wants to have a relationship with her mom and grandmother (though I would be reconsidering this myself), she should tell him that they can meet her on her terms and only when the uncle is not around. And, since they think she is overreacting, I would never leave either of them alone with the children. They sound like the type of people who would allow the uncle over without the LWs knowledge.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Datura
Thu Aug 5, 2010 9:15 PM
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LW1 - You are NOT overprotective. Your mother and grandmother are warped. This man served time for sexually abusing children, and they are telling you not to worry because your kids are, essentially, "not his type." Like Datura, if I were you, I'd be reconsidering my relationship with these two women or at least limiting my visits to an absolute minimum when Unc is there.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Aug 5, 2010 9:39 PM
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LW1: If he were my uncle, I wouldn't even want to see him MYSELF! To me he would be dead!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Paul
Thu Aug 5, 2010 10:11 PM
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Re: the "protective" mom who wrote in about her uncle -- there are several issues. It may be helpful to separate them out.
1) The issue of your kids being around an uncle who's a convicted child molester is simple. They should never be around him under any circumstances. It's not a question of how you're reacting emotionally. It's a question of their safety. Even if they just pick up on the weird vibes of the situation, it's not good. So please stop putting them, and yourself, through that stress. Make a life for yourself that does not include this uncle.
2) Re: your emotional reaction, it sounds like a mixture of a reaction to the abuse you went through, and the abuse you're afraid may happen to your children. But the question is whether it's healthy for your children to see you go into such a frenzied emotional state, i.e., for young children to see their mother "freak out," as you put it. The answer is, this is not healthy for the children either. You are absolutely right that the uncle should not be touching them. But going ballistic around your young children, screaming and shrieking at the uncle, is not a good choice. Your children won't understand it, and at their age, it's best not to explain. The solution is, again, to have nothing to do with the uncle and never be around him with the kids.
Also, since the feelings are so raw and close to the surface, please get some help, for your own sake and your kids'. It's admirable that you've broken the cycle of abuse. But you do need to deal with the emotions in a way that won't pass the emotional damage along to your kids. You and your kids both deserve better than this situation.
Comment: #4
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Aug 5, 2010 10:34 PM
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Re: the "protective" mom who wrote in about her uncle -- there are several issues. It may be helpful to separate them out.
1) The issue of your kids being around an uncle who's a convicted child molester is simple. They should never be around him under any circumstances. It's not a question of how you're reacting emotionally. It's a question of their safety. Even if they just pick up on the weird vibes of the situation, it's not good. So please stop putting them, and yourself, through that stress. Make a life for yourself that does not include this uncle.
2) Re: your emotional reaction, it sounds like a mixture of a reaction to the abuse you went through, and the abuse you're afraid may happen to your children. But the question is whether it's healthy for your children to see you go into such a frenzied emotional state, i.e., for young children to see their mother "freak out," as you put it. The answer is, this is not healthy for the children either. You are absolutely right that the uncle should not be touching them. But going ballistic around your young children, screaming and shrieking at the uncle, is not a good choice. Your children won't understand it, and at their age, it's best not to explain. The solution is, again, to have nothing to do with the uncle and never be around him with the kids.
Also, since the feelings are so raw and close to the surface, please get some help, for your own sake and your kids'. It's admirable that you've broken the cycle of abuse. But you do need to deal with the emotions in a way that won't pass the emotional damage along to your kids. You and your kids both deserve better than this situation.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Aug 5, 2010 10:34 PM
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Re: the "protective" mom who wrote in about her uncle -- there are several issues. It may be helpful to separate them out.
1) The issue of your kids being around an uncle who's a convicted child molester is simple. They should never be around him under any circumstances. It's not a question of how you're reacting emotionally. It's a question of their safety. Even if they just pick up on the weird vibes of the situation, it's not good. So please stop putting them, and yourself, through that stress. Make a life for yourself that does not include this uncle.
2) Re: your emotional reaction, it sounds like a mixture of a reaction to the abuse you went through, and the abuse you're afraid may happen to your children. But the question is whether it's healthy for your children to see you go into such a frenzied emotional state, i.e., for young children to see their mother "freak out," as you put it. The answer is, this is not healthy for the children either. You are absolutely right that the uncle should not be touching them. But going ballistic around your young children, screaming and shrieking at the uncle, is not a good choice. Your children won't understand it, and at their age, it's best not to explain. The solution is, again, to have nothing to do with the uncle and never be around him with the kids.
Also, since the feelings are so raw and close to the surface, please get some help, for your own sake and your kids'. It's admirable that you've broken the cycle of abuse. But you do need to deal with the emotions in a way that won't pass the emotional damage along to your kids. You and your kids both deserve better than this situation.
Comment: #6
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Aug 5, 2010 10:34 PM
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LW1 - When it comes to pedophiles and rapists, I think it's better to be over protective than to take chances. Better safe than sorry. I agree with Datura that LW1 shouldn't even leave her kids with mother and grandmother because they don't seem to understand how serious this is. Datura, I thank you very much for writing "I've spoken to people who have said 'He touched me while my mom went to get something from the kitchen' or 'When everyone was around but nobody was looking.'" I've always planned to be super cautious for my kids, but this is very important information to be aware of. I have a few other things to look out for.
Comment: #7
Posted by: FAW
Thu Aug 5, 2010 11:34 PM
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To LW1: If anything, you're under-reacting! This pervert has no business being around children at all, let alone picking them up and kissing them. I don't care how much DNA you share--the only way to keep your kids safe is to keep them far away from him!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Bear
Fri Aug 6, 2010 12:13 AM
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To Protective Mom (LW1) I absolutely COMMEND you for protecting your children. Everything other members have posted tonight is right on. Your uncle 1) has NO business being around your kids, and is probably in violation of his parole, regardless of the fact that they are "relatives" and 2) your family is making the observation that your own kids are not in his usual age range, which makes him even more dangerous; he's convicted felon for harming helpless, vulnerable children. I also encourage you to seek some therapy or counseling for your own self, unless of course you have already done so, because as Sarah Morrow pointed out, you can cause tension with your kids by exposing them to your "freaking out" as you put it. They are young, please try to avoid outbursts in their presence. If the uncle ever shows up at your place uninvited, please do not argue with him in front of the kids. Do not even open the door, and ask your husband or another trusted relative to tell Uncle Pedophile that, in no uncertain terms, he is no longer welcome at your home. If you must attend family functions outside of your home and he is there, keep your eyes on your kids at all times, as you're already aware, so he will NEVER have the opportunity to hurt them. Some pedophiles can cause kids great fear and upset by telling them scary stories and inappropriate jokes. Again, go with the protective instincts you already have. Keep this terrible criminal away from your kids, and you'll sleep better because of it. I was victimized by a neighbor man when I was young, so I know how they can coerce kids. This man, although an uncle, has NO right to be hugging or kissing them. More power to you, Mom.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Jean
Fri Aug 6, 2010 12:33 AM
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Okay, I know the Annies don't read the comments, and they probably aren't going to reply to my mail, so I'm asking anyone here for advice and would appreciate any idea.
My question is: how do I deal with my abusive father at an important family gathering?
Grandpa will be 100 years old this month, and the whole family is getting together to celebrate. My father will be at the gathering, and so will I for Grandpa's sake. The problem is, my father knows no boundaries nor respect. He threw a big tantrum at my cousin's wedding, and another one at a New Year party a few years ago. He'd even throw chairs at his own mother. AND he blames his wife and kids for his freaking violence, saying it's all our fault that he is unhappy.
I haven't seen him in years and I worry what will happen at this party. Grandpa is 100 years old! I worry if my father loses temper again for God-knows-what, it will be too much for Grandpa. I definitely need some coping strategies!
Comment: #10
Posted by: Felicia Black
Fri Aug 6, 2010 12:35 AM
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LW1: The Annies are right on this one, and your mom and grandmother are in denial. Jail time does not change sexual predators. Your uncle's laying the groundwork here. That is, he's gaining the kids' trust, and when he gets the opportunity -- wham. The cycle continues. So if you want to yell, yell!
Comment: #11
Posted by: Janey
Fri Aug 6, 2010 12:57 AM
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Felicia, that's nice of you to plan to attend your grandpa's celebration knowing you'll have to deal with this. I have an aunt and uncle (not married to each other, both are siblings of my mother) who sound like your father. For this reason, I didn't invite them to my wedding and later was concerned about possible drama when I attended a cousin's wedding and knew they'd be invited.
I kept reminding myself before my cousin's wedding that it was my cousin's day and under no circumstances should I raise my voice or behave in a way that was disruptive. I reminded myself that I was not responsible for other people's behavior but that I had to make sure that I was a good guest and focused on the bride and groom's happiness above all.
I prepared myself before my cousin's wedding for all of the rude things my aunt and uncle might say. How they might try to start arguments, etc. And I rehearsed in my mind ways to not engage in an argument and to just walk away in order to not cause a scene. I was prepared that no matter what they would say to bait me, I would just walk away quietly. When we were at the wedding, I avoided them at every turn. I made sure that I didn't sit near them during the ceremony. I didn't sit near them at the dinner. And I didn't stay very long at the reception. I also told a few family members in advance that this was my plan so that they'd know what was going on if I suddenly excused myself from any conversations. It worked out well and my aunt and uncle didn't even talk to me. Good luck!
Comment: #12
Posted by: FAW
Fri Aug 6, 2010 12:58 AM
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LW1, why are you writing to an advice column? Your children are, apparently, repeatedly being touched by or otherwise influenced by a convicted sexual abuser who happens to be a family member. Why is this uncle ever in the same dwelling with you and your kids? Get some common sense and do whatever it takes to ensure the man doesn't exist as far as your kids are concerned. That means if he appears unexpectedly at a family function, you and your kids disappear pronto. Problem solved.
LW3, the Annie's are spot on. Tell your man to see a doctor for a prescription that will supplement or replace his lost testosterone. You should be advised, however, that some forms of testosterone treatments may make him even more hot tempered than usual while also restoring his libido. Decide which is easier to deal with and give the man an ultimatum.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Chris
Fri Aug 6, 2010 4:23 AM
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What's the deal with Pediphiles anyway? Do they get off on spoiling innocense? I seriously don't understand these people. Btw, keep your kids away from him & contact his parole officer or someone & find out if he's even suppose to be around children & if he isn't, report him every time you know about it.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Crissy
Fri Aug 6, 2010 4:57 AM
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To FAW going to grandpa's birthday, I have to attend a baby shower tomorrow where my mother will be and it sounds like we are both in the same boat. I've been nervous all week leading up to this. I always follow Dr. Phil's advice and REFUSE TO ENGAGE! I know it looks ridiculous when someone is an inch from your face yelling so insanely that little spitlets are landing on your cheek, but you have to repeat over and over (out loud so others can hear) I REFUSE TO ENGAGE WITH YOU. No matter what he says, lies and all, repeat, I REFUSE TO ENGAGE WITH YOU. I promise you that other people can see the truth. People are cowards and they "don't like to get involved" but they see the truth. They know who the liar is, they know who the trouble starter is, even if they refuse to support you in front of your father. They're all probably just thanking God that they're not in your shoes and they don't have to deal with this crazy nut.
God be with both of us,
Comment: #15
Posted by: Laura
Fri Aug 6, 2010 6:29 AM
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FAW makes some great points for preparing yourself, Felicia. It sounds as if you're also worried that your father could become disruptive even if you don't engage, though, too. FAW is right that you're not responsible for his behavior (or anyone else's). Still, chairs flying and violence can affect innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire of someone else's fight, so I think you need to work with the host beforehand to come up with a plan to get your father out of there at the FIRST sign of trouble. No second chances.
It could be a (big, strong) family friend you ask specifically for this purpose -- to hustle your father out and drive him home, upon the host's signal. It could be a group of several men (nephews? in-laws?) younger than your father. This kind of strategy is often employed by brides worried about an alcoholic parent attending the wedding, and I've read it can work very well. The key is preparing the plan beforehand.
Alcohol, by the way, is going to make worse any problematic behavior on his part, so be prepared if it's served.
Comment: #16
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Aug 6, 2010 6:30 AM
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Am I like the only one irritated about "low testosterone" being the end-all, be-all answer to life? It's a symptom, not a reason. Even if that is the problem for some things, you still have to find out why it's happening, not just rub goop on you for the rest of your life. For example, my husband has a tumor on his pituitary gland, which is causing the low hormone.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Krystyne
Fri Aug 6, 2010 6:41 AM
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LW 1 Good for you for keeping your kids away from this sick uncle. Have a very clear and direct conversationm with your mother, grandmother, and the uncle. Set clear ground rules like STAY AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN. Do not touch, pick up, kiss etc. IF he does, leave, if he does it again, leave and stay away from any events he might attend. Period. As for family if mom and grandmother get upset too bad, they need to understand pediphiles don't magically stop or have ethics about who they molest. And by all means, call his parole officer. One of my close relatives molested girls of all ages in our family including his own daughters. Some family members defended him for various reasons. Good for my mother she dumped that side of her family to protect us.
LW 1 please get some help yourself, clearly he triggered some really bad memories for you. Your children need you to handle this in such a way that they are protected and not scared of mommy when they can't understand the reason for her screaming.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Sewsmom
Fri Aug 6, 2010 6:45 AM
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LW1 I hope you're reading this. If you continue to allow your children to have contact with this uncle and something happens and, that is a REALLY, REALLY good possibility it will be your fault for failure to protect your children. Seriously. Do you get that? You have been sexually abused yourself (probably by a trusted adult) and yet you allow a convicted, two time child molester to handle your own children. It boggles the mind. I find it very difficult to be at all charitable with ignorance like this and don't even get me started on your mom and grandmother. And another thing: you're probably abetting a huge parole violation here too. Just wow.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Rick
Fri Aug 6, 2010 6:56 AM
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LW1: You are getting better advice from the posters than from the Annie's. Your children should NEVER be around this man. Your first responsibility is to keep your children safe, not to worry about hurting anyone's feelings or to keep up a good relationship with your mother and grandmother. When your children are old enough to understand what their "funny" great-uncle is all about, how do you think they will feel knowing that you took any sort of risk with them? I've seen this in my son-in-law's family. His uncle molested both his sister and her cousin; no one would listen when the girls looked for help. Eventually, each of them attempted suicide, and have spent long years in counseling, both for the trauma of being molested and the greater grief of trying to understand why no one, including their mothers, protected them. One of the mothers STILL insists it was "no big deal", even though Funny Uncle has served jail time twice and has permanent conditions restricting him from areas where children congregate. PLEASE put your kids first!
Comment: #20
Posted by: Zelda
Fri Aug 6, 2010 7:11 AM
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LW1: I completely agree with Rick, I don't. Know why you need an advice column to tell you to steer clear of this guy. It concerns me that you even had to ask. Screw these people that are defending him, he has no morals or limitations as to what he'll do, & they're uneducated idiots if they think he does.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Crissy
Fri Aug 6, 2010 7:12 AM
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Hmmm...LW 1's mother and grandmother think she's being overprotective? And LW 1 was sexually molested as a child? Aren't these the very people who were supposed to protect HER?
Comment: #22
Posted by:
Fri Aug 6, 2010 7:33 AM
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Thinking about the mother and grandmother of the woman who is protecting her children from the pedophile uncle... This man is her mother's brother, right? And her grandmother's son? If so, he probably abused the LW's mother, and the grandmother probably knew and did nothing. This is hugely important to know and understand.
The LW doesn't say who abused her when she was young, but she definitely needs to go to counseling to get all this straightened out. I went to therapy years ago with an MSW (a counselor with a master's degree in social work), and it was amazing how the process works to bring things out into the light so you can examine them. The counselor doesn't tell you how to feel or what to think -- you discover these things for yourself because the counselor knows how to draw you out.
I hope the LW can first participate in counseling for herself, and then get her relatives involved, because as another poster commented, there is a lot of denial going on.
Comment: #23
Posted by:
Fri Aug 6, 2010 7:41 AM
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FAW, Laura and hedgehog, thank you all so much for your advice! I'm feeling easier now. Though I don't think there is someone I can turn to for help- no one in the family wants to deal with dad and when he makes a scene they just play dumb- thank you for reminding me I can always just REFUSE TO ENGAGE and WALK away. I'm pretty much prepared to call the cops if he ever tries to throw anything, and I just hope he is no longer capable of lifting something like a chair. He is 59 years old. Grandma was 85 or so when he last threw a chair at her. (Yes, he actually threw a chair at an 85-year-old who happens to be his OWN MOM, for shame's sake.) Somehow I think I'll just wear a surgical mask to imply I'm sick (had a cold for a week), talk as little as possible, and excuse myself early.
Thank you again and wish you well!
Comment: #24
Posted by: Felicia Black
Fri Aug 6, 2010 7:47 AM
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There your kids, aren't they? In that case, you should be the one to dictate who they can be around.
Tell your folks that the kids are not to be around this man, and if they let him near the kids without your knowledge, you'll tell his parole officer.
Don't feel sorry for this man. He's incurable.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Roger
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:03 AM
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1: Stupid, stupid people. (The relatives and Annie) I believe it's been shown that there's little if any success of stopping this perverted sexual urge. Therapy doesn't stop it. Why would a stint in prison stop it? There are numerable instances in which a convicted sexual predator goes back to the same behavior when they're released from prison. That's one of the reasons for the sexual offender registry. And yes, it's often family members or family friends who become their victims. And why do you think priests and ministers are able to get so close to so many young kids and molest them? Because the families trust them, that's why. They know the priest. He's a friend who should be trusted. The kids know the priests and have been told they're good people and can be trusted. That's why.
I recently mentioned my husband's nephew who molested my daughter when she was 5 and he was 13. We made a big "stink" and said they had to go home and that boy wasn't allowed at our home again. But several years later after supposedly having therapy during that whole time, my in-laws brought him again (without informing us first) and said he was "just fine now and would NEVER do anything like that again" because he'd had all those years of therapy. He even apologised for his past behavior and said he'd been a stupid kid. And on that very same occasion he molested our younger daughter who had been a newborn infant on the previous occasion. So no, don't let this man near your children. DON'T go along with Annie's advice either about keeping an eye on him when he's near your children. WE kept an eye on my husband's nephew (we actually had suspicions about his proclivities just prior to the first incident) and he still managed to get to my daughters when we were distracted. So keeping an eye on the situation MAY help but is not a guarantee that your kids will be safe.
My very best advice is to refuse to let your children be in this man's presence - period. That means he shouldn't be allowed in your home. You should NOT go to relatives homes if he's there. If he shows up, gather up your kids and leave. Go ahead and tell your relatives that you won't let your kids near this guy and why. Don't listen to their entreaties. It's hard for a parent to accept that their child is a danger to others and that he will never change. Tell your kids as they get older that this man will hurt them if he's given the opportunity and they should stay away from him. Almost any stranger is safer to be with than he is. So be a good parent and protect your children. You are not only NOT being overprotective, you aren't being protective enough because you are allowing your children to be in this man's presence. He gave up all rights of being an uncle to your kids the minute he touched a child in an inappropriate manner. He's the one at fault here, not you. Your mom and grandmother are wearing blinders and are not showing enough care for your kids. Do not ever let them babysit for your kids or leave them alone with them because I can guarantee they won't see anything wrong with letting this guy near them.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:42 AM
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My husband had low testosterone and also low levels of Vitamin D. Just taking the Vitamin D in high levels (consult your doctor for dosage) fixed the testosterone problem. Vitamin D can also help depression (which could conceivably help his anger problem as well). Men with low testosterone don't live as long, according to a recent study I read on-line. So maybe that might convince him to see his doctor.
About the angry father, I feel bad for you. It must have been difficult growing up around such an unpleasant person. Maybe your relatives should chip in to hire a bouncer and put 911 on speed dial. Give him a few days warning that angry outbursts will not be tolerated. If this is alcohol related, hide the booze!
Comment: #27
Posted by: Stephanie
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:48 AM
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Dear Protective Mom,
Please listen to your instincts, you are 100% correct. Your uncle cannot be trusted around any children ever. Usually a known sex offender must join the Sex Offender Registry in the state where he lives and is prohibited from any contact with any children under the age of 18 years. If this is the case in your situation, he could be violating the terms of his release from prison by being in contact with your children under any circumstances. Sex offenders often "groom" the children that interest them with casual physical contact like hugging and kissing before actually commiting sexual abuse. My final thought is that you were not protected by your family from being sexually abused and so they are not likely to recognize the threat that is now being posed to your own children. You are not being over protective, you are being a good Mom and your children are very fortunate.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Penny
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:54 AM
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Re: Krystyne --- I'm glad you brought up this question. I thought testosterone was actually one of the things responsible for violent behavior. I could be wrong - I'm not a medical professional. It sounds as though this guy is angry about his situation - not being able to perform in the bedroom and is blaming it on everyone else. But that doesn't seem to be the only thing causing his anger problem. I suspect he'd be having problems even if he had normal testosterone levels. I mean, one problem isn't always related to another problem that a person has. For example, you can have a heart problem but that may not be the reason you have digestion problems. But sometimes doctors will see the one issue (the heart) and decide that's the cause of the other problem which may actually be caused by something else such as a problem with the gall bladder. This was actually something that happened to the bil I mention below - after he had a problem like your husband's.
I'm sorry about your husband. My bil had a tumor on his pituitary gland. It was discovered by accident - literally. He had a fall from a roof he was working on and his employee drove him to the hospital when he was going in and out of consciousness. The work-up found a shadow or something on his brain which was later diagnosed as the tumor. They operated to remove it. He spent the rest of his life on various hormone supplements since the pituitary was no longer regulating them. It's been a very long time - close to 30 years since that happened and I'm not sure whether they actually removed his entire pituitary. But the surgery left him with other brain damage from which he never fully recovered. I know they have better surgical techniques now; so I hope your husband fares better.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Aug 6, 2010 11:07 AM
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LW1: Don't listen to your relatives. My mom, my aunt, and my uncle (all siblings) were molested repeatedly by their older brother. He had been molested by his "Nana", my great grandmother. I never understood why I never saw that uncle and his family until my aunt broke down a few years ago and I was told the truth. DNA won't stop this guy!
Comment: #30
Posted by: stardoggedmoon
Fri Aug 6, 2010 11:44 AM
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A convicted pedofile is mandated by law and his/her probation to not be within 500 feet of ANY child. And about 90% of them go on to committ the offense again and again, even after jail/probation time. They are NEVER cured!
Comment: #31
Posted by: kat
Fri Aug 6, 2010 1:26 PM
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LW1: Your children should NOT be around this guy EVER. NOT EVER. Do not leave your children alone with your mom or grandma, either. They lost their privilege of caring for them when they showed their support for this pervert. They will most assuredly use the opportunity to have him over for some time with the children because they are ignorant fools. My cousin's husband sexually abused two of his granddaughters. She came home from work early and caught him in the act with these two little girls ages 6 and 8 at the time. And yet...after he got out of prison, my Aunt decided he'd been cured and she didn't see anything wrong with having him over while babysitting the girls. DESPICABLE. First he abuses them, then my well-meaning but totally ignorant aunt decides she knows better. Unbelievable. Again...if you're reading these posts...be strong, be sure to NEVER allow your children to be at a family function where this guy is present. Or any building for that matter...restaurant, movie theater, no place. Just pick up your children and leave. If you do it consistently, family will know better than to invite you and him at the same time. Your children come first. Also, report his proximity to children to his parole officer, if he's on parole. REPORT IT IN WRITING. Put him directly on notice, together with your mother and grandmother and any other family members that you will in no way allow your children to EVER be in this man's presence. You shouldn't care if they don't agree with you. Your primary obligation is to protect your children, since it's obvious that neither your mother nor your grandmother is capable of doing so.
Comment: #32
Posted by: JustMe
Fri Aug 6, 2010 3:46 PM
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I just reread the Annies' advice. I agree the LW is not overreacting, although she probably shouldn't be screaming at him in front of the children. They're too young to understand. However, I disagree about keeping an eye on them when they're in his presence. They should NEVER be in his presence to begin with. If they want to be after they've reached adulthood and after they've been told of his conviction, then that will be their own decision. Until that time, however, I personally would have nothing to do with him and if he showed up at my house unexpectedly, would issue him a no-trespass in writing. Then if he showed up again would call the cops to have him removed.
Comment: #33
Posted by: JustMe
Fri Aug 6, 2010 3:55 PM
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Dear Annie: My mother married an older retired man when I was young. He liked to move. By the age of 18 I moved 56 times, lived in 10 states, Canada and Ireland. Someplaces a couple of weeks. Almost never longer then a year.
So as an adult people ask me where Im from. I hate to bore them so I just pick a place. But it tends to back fire. At work I told one person Im from Mt then another Alabama. Which makes me feel like they think Im a liar.
So Im trying to come up with something whitty , that sumes it up with out a long explanation.
Thanks, Christie from who knows where?
Comment: #34
Posted by: christie fahrenkopf
Fri Aug 6, 2010 8:25 PM
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I understand LW1's extreme reluctance to have her ex-con uncle around her kids, and she should definitely check with his parole officer to make sure the uncle isn't violating any of the terms. Also, it goes without saying that he should never be around children unsupervised for any length of time. That said, I think she needs to get some therapy to deal with her own abuse-related trauma if she has not already done so. She also needs to ask herself: "If the guy has done his time and paid his debt to society, is it necessary for me to punish him further?" He's already (presumably) on a sex offender registry and will have the authorities watching him from a distance, for life. Just don't leave him alone with the kids. That's all she really needs to do unless he is violent.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Matt
Fri Aug 6, 2010 10:47 PM
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Dear Protective Mother: you are not protective enough. Your own weaknesses are getting in the way of doing what is best for your children. The one who needs counseling is YOU, to develop more ego strength and see clearly what you should do, no matter if other family members disagree. All the commenters are right, and I hope you absolutely refuse to give your uncle access to your children. Right now, YOU are the one who is putting your children in the uncle's path. Stop it.
As for commenter christie fahrenkopf, you are right to avoid a long story. Pick a place that feels like home, and simply offer, "We moved a lot for my father's work, but I consider myself to be from ______."
Comment: #36
Posted by: Claude
Sat Aug 7, 2010 6:03 AM
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Protective Mother needs to go further. If uncle is at a location, don't go or pack it up and leave the moment he arrives. Mom and Gramma have a problem? Tell them to go crawl in a hole. They already have their heads in the sand going "Lalalalala- I cannot hear you" regarding the uncle.
Let them choose whether they want his company, or you and your kids' presence.
Others are right, your kids shouldn't see you freaking out, that will just confuse them, and make them worry, and they won't know what they're worrying about. You just shouldn't allow him anywhere around your kids AT ALL!!!
Please. Keep them as far away from him as you possibly can.
If he is on parole, contact his PO, and ask if he's supposed to be keeping away from children. If he is supposed to stay away, let the PO know what has been happening and ask for a copy of the restrictions, and give a copy to your mom and grandmother.
Comment: #37
Posted by: moon
Sat Aug 7, 2010 9:43 AM
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LW1 - There is only one time it is safe to allow children around a child molester, and that is NEVER! Do not go to any family event where your uncle happens to be, and if your mother and grandmother protest, ask them why they are comfortable keeping company with a CONVICTED CHILD MOLESTER. Ask them just what moral fortitude allows this to be acceptable, EVER.
Comment: #38
Posted by: PS
Sat Aug 7, 2010 11:17 AM
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Dear Protective Mother; What are your mother & grandmother smoking? Seriously, you should step up & be even more protective. Most experts, including pedophiles themselves, agree they do not change & are never 'cured' & will abuse any child, type or no type, relative or not......PLEASE keep your children far, far away from your uncle. The Annie's got it right that the majority of abused children know their abuser & many of the abusers are 'close family members'.......I'm sorry you were abused but it should make you even more determined to protect your kids. Personally I woudl write the uncle off period.....and if mom & grandma have a problem with that as in they won't have a separate relationship with you that does not include him, write them off. Oh, & never EVER let mom & grandma have the kids when you will not be around....
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Sat Aug 7, 2010 2:09 PM
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Oh & as so many others said, I bet your uncle is violating his parole......& has he registered as a sex offender 'cause I would think he is required to.....find out the answers to these questions & maybe he will wind back up in prison
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Sat Aug 7, 2010 2:10 PM
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My companion's two brother's marriages were both on the rocks. They were sullen and tired and angry all the time, and so sex drive at all. The wives both had them tested and neither of them had any registrable testosterone. They started getting injection , and at the next family gathering the two couple were so affectionate that is was almost embarrassing!
Comment: #41
Posted by: Micheal
Sat Aug 7, 2010 4:49 PM
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I absolutely agree with Janey and Bear to Protective Mom. Predators spend years grooming their victims and being family is no protection- if anything, it makes it worse, because it seems unthinkable to have sexual feelings or relations with a relative. Isn't molesting ANYONE unthinkable to the average normal person? I have to wonder what role Mom and Grandma's ability to ignore an obvious threat had in the fact that the letter writer was also molested as a child. I don't think this uncle should be allowed to as much as pat the children on the head, and I wouldn't fault the mother at all for saying she and her children won't go where he will be. If she chooses to interact with him, she should never let him be alone with him or anyone that may allow him to sneak away with one of them, and she should assure the kids early and often that it is never ok for an adult to touch them sexually, they should tell as soon as it happens, and that she and their father, if he is in the picture, WILL believe them and CAN protect them, no matter what the abuser says.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Nichole
Sun Aug 8, 2010 12:03 PM
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Christie F., my suggestion is "I'm originally from (wherever you were born), but we moved around a lot, so I'm kind of from all over." Adjust the wording to whatever is natural for you. "Where are you from" is just an icebreaker. I doubt they care about geography, and that's an honest answer that leaves room for the real intention: to get to know you a little bit and/or be friendly.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Nichole
Sun Aug 8, 2010 12:16 PM
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Here's the thing, there is a LOT of denial in families where molesters are part of the dynamic. We tell ourselves anything to rationalize and maintain the image of a perfect family. We make extreme sacrifices to keep everyone together and remain connected. Often, we make excuses and come to believe those excuses that uncle molester will not repeat such behavior. We may even convince ourselves that the abuse was some mistake and that the child was somehow at fault. It can't happen to my children because they are not his preferred age and family just does not do the such unthinkable things to hurt precious children. This sort of mindset is what enables abuse and abusers. There is only one chance at our children being children and having a carefree life. Uncle Molester is a monster that has no business being part of your life or your immediate family. Even casual contact is TOO much contact. If anyone believes he will not repeat his behavior over and over again, they are wrong. Remove your children from that dynamic and fill their lives with safe people. You need to provide for them what was not provided for you growing up. If you are not strong enough to do this on your own, enlist a professional therapist that deals with sexual abuse survivors. Today and tomorrow we have control over, the past, not so much.
jean2
Comment: #44
Posted by: Jean
Sun Aug 8, 2010 4:15 PM
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LW1: I can't believe mom and grandma think that their own grandchildren are ok with a sexual preedator, and excuse it by saying they're younger than his usual victims! If he's already been convicteed of being a pedophile, then all precautions must be taken. I think the writer needs a break from mom and grandma as well. They seem like morons living in la-la land.
Maybe you can take Uncle aside and tel lhim that as the parent you do not give him permission to touch your children. I don't understand why, if when he picks up your kids, you scream at him not to, that he continues to pick them up. Why does he not listen to your authority as the parent? How often is he around your kids? Maybe if you know he's going ot be around, don't bring your kids. Just keep them separated by not taking the kids when he's there, or you don't go either, when he's around.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Salty
Sun Aug 8, 2010 8:38 PM
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