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Did this Jokester Turn on a Dime?

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Dear Annie: Two years ago, I married "Tim," who is in his mid-30s. I moved more than 1,200 miles away and left my family, friends and a great job to be with him. I had no debt and used all the proceeds from the sale of my home to have a nice wedding celebration. Tim didn't have to pay a dime.

The problem is, he works all the time, his days off are usually when I am working, and our bills exceed our income. He doesn't mind that a bit. He also can't have a normal conversation. Everything is a joke. From the time we wake up until we go to bed, it's like a bad comedy show. And it's his way or no way. If we do something I prefer, he sits and pouts. He never gives me a compliment and is not affectionate at all. I am now sleeping on the couch because he hates to be touched, even in his sleep. We never have passionate kisses. Sex is rare. Cuddling is out of the question. There is nothing physically wrong with him, but he always has some excuse for not being intimate.

Tim is a nice, kind man, and I know he is not cheating on me, but I simply cannot live like this any longer. I feel as if I am living with a buddy instead of a husband. I am now in the process of moving back to my hometown. What do you think of all this? — Confused

Dear Confused: If Tim showed these traits while you were dating, we don't understand what you expected when you married him. But if not, it's possible he was looking for money, stability or someone to fill the role of "wife" so people would stop asking why he was single. Since you are packing, Tim should care enough to go for counseling with you. Otherwise, it seems you're better off without him.

Dear Annie: I have integrity, and I work hard, pay my bills and value my family and few friends. The problem is, in many ways, I am not smart. I try to make good decisions, but the ability to do so just isn't there.

When I make mistakes or do something stupid, I am embarrassed. I keep to myself due to previous rejections. People simply aren't interested in me. Counseling isn't the answer because I have a phobia about talking to professionals.

Do you have any advice on getting through life without beating yourself up every day for not being more intelligent? — Not So Smart

Dear Not: Plenty of brilliant people make poor decisions, and no one becomes your friend solely because you are smart. You sound like a perfectly normal, intelligent person who feels inadequate whenever you screw up. We all do. The difference is, you are so afraid of making a mistake that you undermine yourself and don't feel comfortable in your own skin. This fear and discomfort are what people respond to. Relax. No one gets it right all the time. The ability to make good choices is not magic. It's experience and the willingness to learn from your mistakes.

Dear Annie: I am an active, attractive 55-year-old widow and can tell you why "Alone in Casper" can't find a life partner just from the tone of his letter and the fact that he's been divorced twice. He sounds critical and controlling and expects his partner to be a cross between Pamela Anderson and Miss America. I've seen a bunch of guys like this, and they whine that there are "no decent women around." — Rockford, Ill.

Dear Rockford: It is not unusual for both men and women to have unrealistic expectations of the type of person they should attract. Unfortunately, it makes for a lot of unhappy people.

Dear Readers: Today is Mother-in-Law Day. Call yours and tell her how much you appreciate her. (We hope you do.)

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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Comments

25 Comments | Post Comment
This is to Not So Smart: As a teacher I can tell you that making mistakes is an integral part of the learning process. Everyone makes mistakes. The biggest problem I ever have with teaching students is when a student is so afraid of making mistakes he or she will not try something new. The result, of course, (if I can't coax the student into trying) is that they never learn anything new. We all make mistakes. My guess is that someone has made fun of you or put you down for your mistakes. People who do that are terrified of their own mistakes. They put down others so that those others will be so focused on their own performance that they won't see the mistakes the "put downer" is making. Don't let the criticism of others get to you. They are just insecure themselves, or they wouldn't do it. Hurray for mistakes! They are the backbone of learning!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Connie Tyler
Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:04 PM
Dear Confused,

You didn't mention how you met your husband, but judging from the distance, I'll hazard a guess you met him online. It's virtually impossible to get to know someone so far away. They can generally hide their dysfunctional attidtudes and attributes when most of the relationship is conduct over the internet, and you only see them for the occqasional weekend visit.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's a tough lesson. I hope everyone reading this who is involved in a long distance relationship will think again before uprooting their lives to go marry or live with someone they don't really know.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Janey
Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:26 PM
Trading your house for a party is almost as foolish as marrying a man you barely know. You can't get back the time or money you wasted, but you can put these mistakes behind you.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Baldrz
Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:38 PM
To LW1 -- why did you marry him? And why are you staying with him? It sounds like you believed in some kind of fantasy of a perfect marriage, without any evidence to support it -- like the misguided souls who marry their partners without ever having had sex with them, and expect sexual bliss once the rings have been exchanged, because that's what the fairy tales promised.... then spend their lives wondering what went wrong. The good news is, you didn't mention kids. That's a blessing. You're free to leave. So do it. Don't lose your resolve. Don't go in for counseling. Tell your husband it's not working, you're not happy, and you need to end things. Then walk away.

To LW2 -- you may be smart, or you may not; it doesn't matter, really. You probably make some good decisions, and some bad ones. That's not unusual; all of us do some smart things and some dumb things. The difference is that you beat yourself up when you make mistakes. You're obviously articulate enough to write a letter to "The Annies," and yours was more clearly written than many that they've printed. So try to stop worrying about it. Focus on what you know you're good at, being a decent person, being a good friend. And some time, when you have a quiet moment, think back over your life. Usually feelings like you're going through come from mistreatment. Who treated you like you were dumb? Have a little "session" in which you say what you need to, to whoever made you feel that way. Have a good cry if you need to. Then try to forgive yourself for being human.


Comment: #4
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:59 PM
To Confused (LW 1) Tim is a "nice, kind man" yet he constantly, from sunup to sundown, makes jokes about EVERYTHING, he never compliments you in any way, does not want to be TOUCHED in any way, and his philosophy about life is "it's MY way or the highway"? You must be feeling confused, because from the words you wrote, Tim is NOT behaving in either a nice nor kind way toward you. I think you need to break this off and cut your losses before you end up blaming yourself or developing an inferiority complex since Tim is obviously unable to show you any form of affection, very seldom has sex and would rather that you sleep in separate rooms. Take some positive action and I'm sure that moving back to your hometown with family and/or friends nearby, you'll have chances to move on and perhaps meet someone who is willing to compromise to make your relationship more loving and meaningful for you.

To Not So Smart (LW 2) your letter was written with plenty of intelligent thought put into it. You are a capable and worthy person. Convince yourself that this is true. Do not dwell on mistakes. As already stated in other posts and by the Annnies, everyone who is human makes mistakes sometimes. I hope you also have a good friend or relative to whom you feel close so you can discuss your feelings from time to time. You do not sound like a candidate for therapy to me, just someone who can use a shoulder to lean on every now and then. That's perfectly normal and natural. Keep your chin up and when something seems to go wrong, just smile and remind yourself, "That's okay." Give yourself the break, because you deserve it! Take care.

To Rockford (LW 3) I agree with your assessment of "Alone in Casper." I have two words to add to his profile: SELF-CENTERED!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Jean
Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:20 AM
LW1's husband sounds like he's suffering from a severe case of Peter Pan syndrome. That and he's obviously inept at expressing feelings and emotions which is evidenced by his use of humor to avoid any serious conversation. His overworking is another sign as there are two ways to avoid life: do nothing and let life pass you by, or try to do everything and pass life by. Either way, it's time for LW1 to leave Never Never Land because her husband is never ever going to grow up without serious professional intervention. Be thankful there are no kids involved.

LW2's main problem is that she has no apparent self-esteem or sense of self worth. If the LW goes around dwelling on her every mistake or acting as though she believes she's little more than a blithering idiot whose one step away from yet another blunder, then people will pick up on her self-assessment and treat her accordingly. The truth is, we all make mistakes; nobody is perfect. The key is to learn from those mistakes and become stronger from them. Making friends and being perceived as intelligent, likable and a contributer is driven by self-confidence. I would advise the LW to look into joining a group or activity in which she excels (maybe she doesn't know what that is yet) but in trying different things, she'll doubtlessly learn a lot of new things and make some new friends in the process. Best of luck!

Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:52 AM
Why should we assume LW2 is a woman? She could as easily be a man. Just saying...
Comment: #7
Posted by: graham072442
Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:55 AM
Why should we assume LW2 is a woman? This could just as easily be a man. Stereotyping, are we????
Comment: #8
Posted by: graham072442
Sun Oct 24, 2010 6:57 AM
LW1 - The husband may also be suffering from a severe case of gay-blade-in-the-closet. It is possible that he married her so he could escape suspicion. Not only does he behave like he would be next to anyone rather than her, but it also sounds like he doesn't even like her as a friend - she's just convenient as a smokescreen. I'd be curious to know if he's always at "work".

This man is neither kind nor nice. I went through a version of this once, where it turned out that I was grossly mistaken (thanks to an Academy Awards performance on his part) about the true nature of the man I had fallen for after he had pursued me for a long time. "I feel like the man I fell in love with doesn't exist", I remember telling a friend. It really hurts, because your heart doesn't stop caring the exact minute your head realises this. I had met him at choir practice, by the way - so much for all the people who think that going to church and volunteering will only net you decent men. There are decent men and crazy nut cases on the Net just as there are at church, choir practice and everywhere else.

Forget counselling (this has cost enough as it is and it's not fixable), pack up, go back home. You never know, - your old job may be available and, at any rate, your friends and family are still there. However, instead of a counsellor, a visit to a lawyer is worth it, just so you can contemplate all your options. Forcing him to sell the house so that you can recoup some of your losses will take some time, though, and may also be too costly in lawyers' fees to be worth it. It'll be up to you to decide if you want to waste more time on this.

Comment: #9
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Oct 24, 2010 7:00 AM
LW1 asked, "What do you think of all this? " WHAT??? I think it is pretty self-explanatory and hopefully a good lesson learned.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Penny
Sun Oct 24, 2010 7:35 AM
Re: L. A. Graham Hi Graham. Your pont's well taken, but the odds are about a hundred million to one that the LW is female. Since the LW didn't identify him/herself by name, gender or sexual orientation, it's reasonable to assume that she's female. As you yourself said in your original posting, "SHE could easily be a man..."
Comment: #11
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:08 AM
Hm. Sounds like the first letter writer made a really badly informed choice in marrying "Tim." With the other posters I agree that, since there are no children, she should chalk this first marriage up to experience and move out, back, and 1,200 miles home to be near family and friends and a good job. But I'd also like to raise the question of why she got married in such a hurry in the first place? I think she would have been better off living with the guy, or maintaining a long distance relationship, until she actually knew what he was like. Some people are very good judge of character and others aren't. Dating, sex before marriage, trial marriages, experimentation are all available for people (of both sexes) to figure out whether the person they are interested in is right one. Tim is obviously not the right one and may be a prolonged period of dating would have revealed that.

As for the second letter writer. Its an interesting question as to why that letter comes off as more "Male" than "Female" and I don't think that the way we are reading it (that its "male") is down to some kind of sexist sterotyping that only men would have this problem. I think we read the letter as male because it begins by prioritizing three sterotypically male "good" attributes: "integrity," "hard work," "bill paying," --not that women aren't also judged on their integrity, hard work, and bill paying abilities but they are usually judged first on other qualities and tend to put those other qualities higher on their list of important attributes. Second of all the writer says, despondently that "people aren't interested in the writer" because despite all these good attributes he/she makes poor decisions. Women are quite used to "people not being interested in them" when they are too old, not attractive enough, etc..etc...etc... Women in that position never blame lack of intelligence or poor reasoning skills as the reason other people don't pay attention to them because they are trained from birth to see sexual attractiveness and nurtering/giving as the prime reason people "pay attention" to them--not intelligence or good judgement.

This letter reads very much like the usual "Nice Guy (tm)" complaint that the Annies and other advice columnists receive over and over again: the one that goes "I'm good enough, I'm not a jerk, why don't I get the hot babes?" I'm not saying that women don't write whiney, self justifying, poor me, help me/I'll just sit here in the dark" letters all the time. They do. The complaint is usually slightly differently phrased.

That being said I highly recommend to the letter writer--whatever sex he or she is--that they try some self help books that I came across as a parent. I think these books are extremely readable and important and they focus on 1) education and self education and 2) interpersonal relationships. Both these things seem to be problems for the letter writer. I'd recommend reading "Raising Lifelong Learners" and "Raising the Optimistic Child" because both books deal with the question of how a person can self educate and learn to love challenges--and how they can learn to overcome small and temporary setbacks in personal and life plans. I'd also recommend http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

How to Talk so Kids will Listen/How to Listen so Kids will Talk. This is a fantastic book that explores the dynamics of talking with other people (I think there are modernized rip offs that focus on office speech). Although it starts out being about parent to child communication if you get one of the later editions there are fascinating letters from readers describing how they used the insights of the book to work on adult relationships and work relationships. If you are shy, have poor self esteem, and are used to being shut down and shut out by the people in your life you may very well have experienced some of these issues in talking with your parents and siblings. Learning to hear the patterns will help you break them.

You wrote to the Annies for help and you immiediatly ruled out getting help through therapy because of your fears and discomforts with interacting with people who you feel will be judgemental. OK. That's a problem. But for every problem there is a solution. Try getting some of these books and working through the excercises--the book can't judge you or make you uncomfortable.

aimai
Comment: #12
Posted by: aimai
Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:09 AM
Hm. Sounds like the first letter writer made a really badly informed choice in marrying "Tim." With the other posters I agree that, since there are no children, she should chalk this first marriage up to experience and move out, back, and 1,200 miles home to be near family and friends and a good job. But I'd also like to raise the question of why she got married in such a hurry in the first place? I think she would have been better off living with the guy, or maintaining a long distance relationship, until she actually knew what he was like. Some people are very good judge of character and others aren't. Dating, sex before marriage, trial marriages, experimentation are all available for people (of both sexes) to figure out whether the person they are interested in is right one. Tim is obviously not the right one and may be a prolonged period of dating would have revealed that.

As for the second letter writer. Its an interesting question as to why that letter comes off as more "Male" than "Female" and I don't think that the way we are reading it (that its "male") is down to some kind of sexist sterotyping that only men would have this problem. I think we read the letter as male because it begins by prioritizing three sterotypically male "good" attributes: "integrity," "hard work," "bill paying," --not that women aren't also judged on their integrity, hard work, and bill paying abilities but they are usually judged first on other qualities and tend to put those other qualities higher on their list of important attributes. Second of all the writer says, despondently that "people aren't interested in the writer" because despite all these good attributes he/she makes poor decisions. Women are quite used to "people not being interested in them" when they are too old, not attractive enough, etc..etc...etc... Women in that position never blame lack of intelligence or poor reasoning skills as the reason other people don't pay attention to them because they are trained from birth to see sexual attractiveness and nurtering/giving as the prime reason people "pay attention" to them--not intelligence or good judgement.

This letter reads very much like the usual "Nice Guy (tm)" complaint that the Annies and other advice columnists receive over and over again: the one that goes "I'm good enough, I'm not a jerk, why don't I get the hot babes?" I'm not saying that women don't write whiney, self justifying, poor me, help me/I'll just sit here in the dark" letters all the time. They do. The complaint is usually slightly differently phrased.

That being said I highly recommend to the letter writer--whatever sex he or she is--that they try some self help books that I came across as a parent. I think these books are extremely readable and important and they focus on 1) education and self education and 2) interpersonal relationships. Both these things seem to be problems for the letter writer. I'd recommend reading "Raising Lifelong Learners" and "Raising the Optimistic Child" because both books deal with the question of how a person can self educate and learn to love challenges--and how they can learn to overcome small and temporary setbacks in personal and life plans. I'd also recommend http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

How to Talk so Kids will Listen/How to Listen so Kids will Talk. This is a fantastic book that explores the dynamics of talking with other people (I think there are modernized rip offs that focus on office speech). Although it starts out being about parent to child communication if you get one of the later editions there are fascinating letters from readers describing how they used the insights of the book to work on adult relationships and work relationships. If you are shy, have poor self esteem, and are used to being shut down and shut out by the people in your life you may very well have experienced some of these issues in talking with your parents and siblings. Learning to hear the patterns will help you break them.

You wrote to the Annies for help and you immiediatly ruled out getting help through therapy because of your fears and discomforts with interacting with people who you feel will be judgemental. OK. That's a problem. But for every problem there is a solution. Try getting some of these books and working through the excercises--the book can't judge you or make you uncomfortable.

aimai
Comment: #13
Posted by: aimai
Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:12 AM
To LW1: Pack up and go back to where you were before this guy showed up. I agree with the person who said that selling your house and using the money for a party was not a smart move.
Comment: #14
Posted by: martha
Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:53 AM
Sad as LW1's situation is, and much as I, too, am clucking over the bad choice she made, I also noticed a touch of martyrdom in the letter's set up. "Look at what I did for him: left a job, family and friends, sold my house for the wedding, and what did I get? Pfffft! And of course the correct answer is: what did you expect? Not much different from if I wrote in complaining that I spent thousands of dollars on voice lessons, encouraged till I was blue in the face, took away privileges until after voice practice - and the dang pig still won't sing!
Comment: #15
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:10 AM
Out of curiosity, why is it that whenever a man isn't interested in intimacy with his wife, then it's automatically assumed he must be a closet case homosexual? So when a homosexual partner similarly isn't interested in intimacy with his or her partner, does it mean he or she is a closet case heterosexual? Of course not! I think some commenters here have a very narrow view of what it means to be gay as in truly same sex oriented and all that entails. It's not just about sex, in fact sex is just a small part of any relationship. Gay people and their partners have the same trials and tribulations in their relationships as homosexual couples. Just setting the record straight (so to speak!)
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chris
Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:12 AM
Hi Chris, You asked:

Out of curiosity, why is it that whenever a man isn't interested in intimacy with his wife, then it's automatically assumed he must be a closet case homosexual?

I don't think most folks make the assumption that the LW is gay, but that it's one possible explanation. It's true that there are many factors that might make a man, or woman, uninterested in sex. Possibilities include: lack of libido... low testosterone levels (if male)... intimacy issues... stress.... embarrassment about sex... lack of attraction to one's partner (which can happen when the partner gets older, fatter, thinner, or develops an unattractive personality).... passive aggressive behavior (withholding sex to frustrate one's partner)... and lying about one's sexual orientation. In terms of your question about whether gays can be closet heterosexuals, sometimes they can. I once worked with a lesbian whose partner was more or less "pretending" to be a lesbian... she thought it was chic, and fashionable, to be gay, but was actually more interested in men. Resolving the situation meant bringing this out into the open and dealing with it... they broke up, and the "lesbian" she had been dating was married to a man a few months later. Shows to go ya.
Comment: #17
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:42 AM
LW1 - I'm sorry Tim didn't turn out to be all that he appeared. Sometimes people are really good at putting on an act during the courtship and then as soon as they say "I do" they think they don't have to put in any more work, when it's actually the opposite - you have to work even harder for the marriage to be a success.

Chris: Good point. Some men are simply asexual, have low testosterone, or maybe they're plain pooped at the end of the day. There are many nights my DH is too exhausted for a little fun, but given he's up before the roosters for his job and we have a special needs child whose sleep problems cause us both to lose Zs, it stands to reason!

LW2 - I've been in your shoes and I agree with those who pointed out that if you let this paralyze you, the only thing you'll reap is nothing. Please consider counseling again - maybe even talk to your doctor to see if you have an anxiety disorder.

Part of my issue was from PTSD - cognitive behavior therapy and EMDR helped me a great deal. It's not to say that's what's going on with you, that's just my experience. But at the same time PTSD is an anxiety disorder at the root and even if you have anxiety stemming from something else, it's amazing how much that can interfere with our perceptions of self and our surroundings.

Hang in there and don't give up. It took a lot of time and hard work but I'm doing so much better. I got a second chance in my career, I've gone back to school recently, and I'm more the wife and mother I've always wanted to be.

Am I still making mistakes? Of course. Sometimes I'm just a dumbhead, sometimes I'm impatient, sometimes I'm plain human.

But the difference is now I get up and I try again, and I'm honest about the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. It helps to have a support system where people help you feel okay with imperfection - after all nobody is perfect in this world. The important thing to remember is you can always learn and grow from those mistakes and imperfections. Pencils have erasers for a reason :-)

LW3 - Boy, that "Adonis" from Casper is sure taking a beating lately isn't he? LOL!
Comment: #18
Posted by: PS
Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:59 AM

LW2:
My parents are wonderful people and were great parents, BUT they were both perfectionists and overachievers. I am neither and I grew up not seeing my parents make mistakes. If they did, they could not acknowledge they had made a mistake. And I was too young to see it as it was. As a result, I grew up not knowing how to pick myself up after even a minor dust-up. I was twenty-three when I had made an embarrassing, shameful mistake (nothing illegal) and I had no way of dealing with it. I apologized and did my best to forget it ever happened, which set me up for years of beating myself up over it. I never forgave myself for being imperfect. It's taken years of therapy for me to be able to adequately deal with things that are my fault, without assigning blame to someone else, covering it up or refusing to apologize. All things I have done and made things worse.

As a parent now, I make mistakes and tell my child, "Mama just made a mistake" and then I tell my daughter what I did wrong and then how I'm going to apologize and make it better. As a result, my relationships all around me with family, friends, and neighbors are as stress-free as possible.

An exercise I found helpful was to write down a misstep in one sentence. Then write an apology in one sentence. Next write a possible way to fix it in one sentence. Lastly, write "I forgive me" and keep the paper for one to three days and then destroy the paper and throw it away.

If I didn't stick to one sentence for each, I could write pages of blame to heap on myself. And I don't need that and neither does LW2.

And just so's you know, I never did anything illegal, cheat on anyone or anything that ended up on the evening news.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Chelle
Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:16 AM
Re: Chris
I don't know about the others but, as far as I'm concerned, it's a combination of clues that have me think perhaps he's a closet gay. Clues such as, " he works all the time, his days off are usually when I am working", "He also can't have a normal conversation. Everything is a joke.", "is not affectionate at all. I am now sleeping on the couch because he hates to be touched, even in his sleep. We never have passionate kisses. Sex is rare. Cuddling is out of the question."
People who turn everything into a joke do that to keep any serious topic and possible self-examination at arm's length. Added to the rest, I see a picture of a man who looks like he's allergic to the proximity of his wife, physical, emotional and intellectual. He married her, but he wants nothing to do with her on any level. THAT'S why I surmised perhaps he's a closet gay. A mere lack of libido would not be enough for me to make assumptions on his sexual orientation, as there are many other possible reasons for that.
And yes, like Sarraw Morrow said, it is but one of the possible explanations.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:21 PM
Chelle,
What an insightful post and what a very interesting way of handling your feelings about "misakes." There's nothing like being a parent and watching our children learn and develop to throw our own patterns into high relief. I like your method for helping yourself and your children deal with perfectionism and self doubt. Its really very close to the methods described in "Raising the Optimistic Child." The author of that book, who started out studying monkeys and created the notion of "learned helplessness" argues that the difference between people who fail and people who succeed at a given task pretty much boils down to who gives up and who persists in pursuing the goal--whatever it is. And when you study people who can get to goal you find out that they don't globalize their misakes and failures ("I'm a stupid person" or "this mistake ruins everything") but rather break the sistuation down into more manageable bits: the goal into a multi stage process where each bit can be attacked in many different ways. Writing down "I made a mistake" and immiediatly turning it into an occasion to remedy the mistake is a brilliant idea turning a wall into a door.

aimai
Comment: #21
Posted by: aimai
Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:35 PM
LW1 I am usually pretty strongly against divorce, but in this case run, do not walk, to a good divorce lawyer. And explore the possibility of an annulment. (I'm talking legal annulment, although if she is Catholic, she might have grounds for a religious annulment, too.) Whether he is closet gay or not, low testosterone or not, things like can't stand to be touched, out of control spending, his way or no way, are all signs he is not ready sharing his life with a life partner.
For those trying to say premarital sex could have avoided this problem, she did not say if they did or did not wait until marriage to have sex. And not only are some men (and women) good at faking things affection and consideration while dating, some even fake it for a rather lengthy time of living together because they know it would be easy for their partner to just walk out. If the passion, love, and mutual consideration for each other are there, how to please your particular partner can be learned together. If love and respect are missing from one or the other partner, all the fireworks in bed will not be enough to make it together in the long run.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sun Oct 24, 2010 3:46 PM
I don't think living together would have helped LW1--the jokes, the workaholic-ness and the avoidance of affection should been apparent fairly quickly in a nonsexual relationship, in fact, possibly even more apparent without the fun and games to cloud her judgment. It does sound like it was primarily a long-distance relationship.
My first impression of LW2 was male.In any case, having had one's judgment questioned to the point where it is impossible to make decisions out of fear can set up a depression, which just makes it all worse. I've seen that happen with family members of both genders.
Comment: #23
Posted by: partsmom
Sun Oct 24, 2010 5:22 PM
Re: LW1/Confused

Tim apparently talked a much better game before the wedding, if he could get a woman to sell her home, leave her family, friends, and job, and follow him 1,200 miles away so he could then reject her.

He could just be controlling, and is withholding sex because it gives him a sense of power. He could have low testosterone or some other medical condition. He could have thought he was marrying money, and is disappointed to learn that her money came from the job she left behind.

But I think there may be a very real chance that Tim IS gay, and is using "Confused" as a cover story. Gay is a perfectly normal thing to be; Gay and in denial or Gay and hiding behind a hetero marriage are a different story.

No kisses, no sex, and she sleeps on the couch because he doesn't like to be touched even in his sleep? If he isn't Gay and trying to hide it, then he has some really BIG and very SERIOUS hang-ups. Confused needs to be talking to a lawyer, so she can get their credit and debt separated. Because my instinct is that she won't be staying with him much longer -- there's nothing there to stay for. IF she can get an annulment, that might be a better way to go than divorce. But she still needs to get the debt and credit separated so she really starts again with a clean slate.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Marianne
Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:00 PM
Re: Marianne
Never mind getting her half of the house and everything else - nobody else thought to mention the separation of debt and credit. Thank you for an insightful post.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Oct 26, 2010 7:02 AM
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