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Annie's Mailbox®, March 15
Dear Annie: Six years ago, my sister's ex-boyfriend found out I was divorced. He called and invited me for a drink. I accepted with some reluctance, as I didn't think my sister would approve, but I needed some lighthearted company after the dark days surrounding the end of my marriage. "Jim" and I had a nice time and began seeing each other.
My sister dated Jim for eight years before they split up. At the time I began seeing him, she had been happily married to a wonderful man for quite a few years.
After Jim and I had been dating for a couple of weeks, I tried to tell my sister, but she immediately shut me up and refused to discuss it. I wrote an e-mail explaining the situation and my feelings, but she didn't reply.
Jim, along with my sister's friends and relatives, all agreed she would get over it in time, but she hasn't. She has not spoken to me in six years. I have sent her Christmas cards, get-well cards, etc. One birthday card came back marked "Return to Sender." My father once asked her why she had a problem with me, and she told him she didn't. Annie, why can't she get over this? — Crying in California
Dear Crying: We suspect that while your sister was dating Jim, she thought he had "a thing" for you. (And if she didn't then, she certainly does now.) There is the additional possibility that she might not be able to deal with seeing him at family functions. Her refusal to deal with it shows a lack of maturity, and she may not want to consider that she is also jealous. However, you knew dating her ex was going to cause a problem and you did it anyway. Try apologizing for your lack of sensitivity. Tell her you miss her, and ask for another chance. You might also see if a family member can intercede on your behalf and broker a truce.
Dear Annie: My brother and sister, both in their 60s, have decided to move into a small apartment together. I find this inappropriate, and I told my brother it doesn't look right. He disagreed. Am I wrong? — Bad Move
Dear Bad Move: Many siblings who are single choose to live together in order to share expenses with someone they are comfortable with. We assume they aren't sharing a bedroom, so unless something else is going on, we wouldn't worry about it. It only becomes a problem if one sibling becomes involved with a person who objects. At that point, they can rethink the arrangement.
Dear Annie: You told "Tennessee" to let sleeping dogs lie when it came to getting a DNA sample from a grown daughter he suspected wasn't his.
I was adopted as a baby and couldn't find peace until I located my birth parents. "Tennessee" is already being eaten up by this secret, or he wouldn't have written you. And if the difference in appearance is so noticeable, the daughter is not oblivious. The secret could be eating her up, too.
This is old-school thinking — that if you don't tell the child the truth, they will not suffer. Children feel the truth, and when they are lied to or the truth is hidden, they suffer. The message she needs to hear is: "You are the product of your mother's affair, and I love you as much as my other children."
What a gift that would be for both of them. Even if she turns out to be his biological daughter, being honest and loving can only bring them closer by putting old doubts to rest. — Holliston, Mass.
Dear Holliston: Most adopted children know they are adopted. This girl believes "Tennessee" is her biological father. Asking for a DNA test would turn her world upside-down, and there's no way to know whether and how much it would hurt their relationship. Your heart is in the right place, but if Dad doesn't plan to tell her regardless of the DNA results, we say leave it alone.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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22 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: It wouldn't surprise me if the sister's breakup with the lw's bf was not a mutual thing. It's possible that she'd been thinking they'd get married but he had cold feet (dated 8 years!) and either he was the one to end the relationship or she did primarily with the idea that the breakup would make him offer marriage. So now, all this time later, the man she'd loved was dating her sister. She feels they've both disrespected her feelings. One might expect her to be more mature about it, but not everyone is capable of that. Since they'd been together for so long, it can seem like a failed marriage, not just a bf/gf breakup. I'd feel strange if my sister got involved with a man I"d been married to. --------------------- LW 2: I don't see a problem with siblings choosing to live together at any time. To think it's inappropriate is just simply ridiculous. Annie's statement "It only becomes a problem if one sibling becomes involved with a person who objects" is silly also. If a person objects because the person they're dating is living with a sibling, it's that person's problem, not the problem of the siblings. In my opinion, that would be an indicator to the sibling that he/she is not a person the sibling should get involved with.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Mon Mar 15, 2010 3:51 AM
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Here we go with the boot-licking advice again. The sister was NOT married to the man who LWi began dating. In fact, at the time these two started dating, "sister" was "Happily married to a wonderful man." So she's immature and jealous and now the Annies want LW to "apologize for being insensitive." What a crock. Maybe the LW knew it would be a problem because she knew how self-absorbed her sister is. She should stop crying about it. All she's doing is handing the immature sister all the power.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Mon Mar 15, 2010 4:23 AM
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Maggie Lawrence, I couldn't have said it better myself. The Annies are way off the mark on this one. The fact is her sister has continued her immaturity for six years, even after her relatives and friends clearly accept the LW's relationship.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Barbara E.
Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:16 AM
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I assume Maggie Lawrence and Barbara E don't have any siblings they're close to. My sister and I are very close and even if I didn't feel it was necessary to apologize for something I would do it because it wouldn't be worth losing my sister over something trivial. It's called the high road- you should try it sometime.
Comment: #4
Posted by: me
Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:33 AM
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With LW1, there seems to be something missing. Is it possible that the relationship ended badly and there is something about ex-bf that leaves the sister too uncomfortable to be in his presence. Maybe the problem is not with the sister, but rather with Jim. Maybe the sister should have talked to her BEFORE starting to date an ex and made sure it would not be uncomfortable. Honestly, what type of guy calls up his ex's sister and asks her out. That's just not right!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Scorn
Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:02 AM
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A little holier-than-thou, aren't we, "me"? Re read the letter. The sister is married. She ought to be thinking about how it must make her husband feel that this relationship is so upsetting to her. I'm guessing she doesn't have a happy marriage. This is not trivial. Sister is creating a great deal of drama over a situation that should have been worked out a long time ago. LW1 has tried to communicate with her and has continued to reach out. There's been a lot of the high road and it's been rejected. Comes a time when you have to stop letting anyone, family or not, hurt you when you've tried to ameliorate the situation. Sister will only be happy if LW1 breaks up with Jim. How dog-in-the-manger of her. At least the family is not supporting her in this selfish, hurtful behaviour. To you, Bad Move, what a dirty mind you have. There can be no other excuse for your questioning the propriety of this living arrangement. Get some help. Holliston, your situation bears no relation to the one of Tennessee. A DNA test will forever change their lives, if only because it will be a representation of his lack of faith. My ex was sure his daughter wasn't his, and I believe he was right, but he knew that if it was confirmed, he would have a horrible reality to deal with and one not easily concealed. He decided he had loved her as his own, so DNA should not matter. It had the potential to change forever how his daughter thought of herself and her parents, and not for the better. Knowing is not always the best thing.
Comment: #6
Posted by: julia
Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:15 AM
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Sorry, but no decent, caring person would start dating someone her sister was seriously involved with for eight freaking years. It's not like she dated him for two months back in high school. Eight years is very significant, and just ending a relationship that lasted that long would be painful. Guys have a saying, 'Bros before hos,' and women - especially sisters - should stick by each other. The LW conveniently does not say what ended her sister's eight-year relationship. Maybe the guy treated her like absolute crap. He certainly shows no consideration for the feelings of his ex by dating her sister. The LW is being totally disloyal to her sister by dating this guy. If I had a sister who treated me that way, I wouldn't have anything to do with her, either.
Comment: #7
Posted by: JoJo
Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:40 AM
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"She feels they've both disrespected her feelings. One might expect her to be more mature about it, but not everyone is capable of that. "
She feels they've disrespected her feelings BECAUSE THEY HAVE. The LW is the one being immature, with her disgusting, disloyal rationalizations. Smart girls know, you don't date your friends' exes. And you SURE as heck don't do it if your friend is your sister, and she was involved with the ex for that long!
Comment: #8
Posted by: JoJo
Mon Mar 15, 2010 7:58 AM
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With Maggie on LW1 - and yeah, "me", I have two sisters with whom I've very close. We all understand that you don't own other human beings, nor does having dated them - for 8 years or 80 years - mark them as yours for life. Good grief, grow up. Personally, I'd ask sister why she's so unhappy in her marriage that she's apparently jealous and fixated about someone she once dated. In my experience, when you truly love the person you're with, you really don't care what your ex does or does not do. Good luck to LW1.
Comment: #9
Posted by: SA McCrary
Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:30 AM
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Re: JoJo--I'm with you on this. Lw's sister may now be married to a wonderful man but that doesn't mean she doesn't remember the pain of her breakup. After 8 years with this man you know there had to be pain involved at the end. I certainly would not want to be reminded of that everytime I saw them together. LW knew her sister would have a problem with it and did not care. LW is very disrespectful and should be ashamed of herself. As you said friends don't date your exes and sisters shouldn't either.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Cathy
Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:32 AM
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Am I the only one that is concerned as to who this guy is that he has wasted 8 years of one sister, and so far, six of another. What's that about.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Myra
Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:43 AM
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I also think that LW1 was out of line. She's trying to make this seem as though it's all her sister's problem and she didn't do anything wrong, however she chose this man OVER her sister. The world is full of men, but she only has one sister. Anyone who truly values family would see that this is an easy choice. I would never EVER consider seeing a man that my sister had dated for a week, let alone 8 years. LW1 should have ended it as soon as she realized that her sister was not okay with their relationship. The fact that she refused to do so indicates just how much SHE cares about her sister. There's a lot of underlying competitiveness in relationships between sisters, so it's always possible that is behind LW1's motives as well. I also agree that any guy who would go after his ex's sister sounds like a creep - I wonder if he's doing it to get under the sister's skin?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jennifer
Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:48 AM
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"I also agree that any guy who would go after his ex's sister sounds like a creep - I wonder if he's doing it to get under the sister's skin?"
That thought occurred to me, as well. The 'Annies' are totally conjecturing with this: "We suspect that while your sister was dating Jim, she thought he had "a thing" for you. (And if she didn't then, she certainly does now.)" It seems much more likely to me that "Jim" never had a thing for the LW at all, and only got involved with her to rub the sister's nose in it. I think it's terrible that nobody in that family is sticking up for the sister.
"Am I the only one that is concerned as to who this guy is that he has wasted 8 years of one sister, and so far, six of another."
Exactly! After eight years, that poor sister finally just had to give up. But boy, the LW can sure outdo her - she is going to jump right in there and do BETTER! Bleh. What do you want to bet, everyone in that family was telling the sister to dump that guy after wasting eight years on him and not getting married. But now they turn against her and decided she needs to 'get over it,' since Sissy has decided she wants a turn.
Comment: #13
Posted by: JoJo
Mon Mar 15, 2010 8:56 AM
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I feel strongly that LW1 should not have gone out with her sister's former boyfriend. Eight years is a long time so the relationship was important with all the intimacy that implies. I wouldn't want that intimacy shared with any girl friend much less a sister. When I was dating, my friends and I all had the agreement that we would never date a former boyfriend. I think men are different about this as they seem to be able to go out with friends, sisters and even mothers (maybe that's about conquest).
Comment: #14
Posted by: Michele
Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:11 AM
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LW1 She should probably not have gone out with a former longterm boyfriend of her sister to begin with. But it sounds more like friendship and comfort turning into romance, at least on Crying's part, as she had just gone through a divorce. If sister dated him eight years, that is about like dating an ex-husband of sister which is kind of "yuk" to most of us. But, sister did not marry him, is married to another, and there is something in the wedding vows about "forsaking all others." That means her loyalty, affections, and feelings are promised to her husband, and in this situation, he is the one I feel sorry for. Imagine, your spouse of "a number of years" being angry at someone because they are dating her ex-boyfriend. What does that say about her feelings for him? Since Crying mentioned father trying to talk to sister and her claiming nothing is wrong, I truly doubt anyone else in the family will get through to her. I suspect, like water that looks calm on top, that there were some serious currents underneath before all this happened. Possibly in sister's marriage, in the relationship of the two sisters, a torch still being carried for ex-boyfriend; something was really bothering sister before all this happened.
LW2 Nothing wrong with siblings sharing if they can do so peacefully and without killing each other. My son and daughter tried sharing a place and I've known other brothers and sisters who shared. At 60 something, I would assume they would not be regularly calling Mom to referee, unlike mine who were in their 20's.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:42 AM
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Re: Julia- 1) What did you get out of this letter to make you think the sister has an unhappy marriage? 2) I didn't say THIS case was trivial... my point was Maggie Lawrence and Barbara E didn't see why she needed to apologize- but if she really cared about her sister and wanted a relationship with her she would apologize (because i agree with everyone else that you don't date friend's or family's exes... especially if they were together for so long)
Comment: #16
Posted by: me
Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:58 AM
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Am I not reading this correctly? I can't see where sister2 is still dating this man. Sister1 got mad at S2 and hasn't spoken to her since. This seems to be the crux of the letter - not that S2 is still with him. I am not reading that this was a long term relationship for S2 only that she HAD dated him. I think a lot of people including the Annies are reading things into this that are not stated by the LW.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Penny
Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:21 PM
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I thought that Crying In California was totally in the wrong in this siuation. Eight years is a long time to be going out with someone- longer then most marriages last these day. I thought this woman should have asked her sister's feelings about the situation before dating Jim. I also thought that it was obvious that this woman clearly broke the unwritten rule of the friendship code. You just don't date your best friends exes. If you do date your best friend's exes then you can expect your friendship won't last long. I don't think it is about having the maturity to get over the situation, but how this woman clearly sent a message that she and her new boyfriend, don't give a hoot about the sister's feelings. And not to mention how the new brother in law feels, how would you like to sit across the Christmas dinner table knowing that guy over there also had sex with your wife. Eight years is a long time, as far as I am concerned this woman is now dating her ex brother in law, and that sounds like incest to me... Crying in California made her bed and now she has to lie in it. Maybe she should phone the Jerry Springer Show and see if she can get on with all the other trashy families on there.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Roxane
Mon Mar 15, 2010 5:46 PM
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About LW1: Haven't any of you read Little Women? Laurie (boy next door) had a long term crush on Jo, she eventually turned him down, and little sister Amy married him. Because Jo had finally found true love with the professor, everyone lived happily ever after. OK, it's a story, but still, people can get through awkward situations without holding six year grudges. Maybe Crying should not have dated sister's exboyfriend, but neither should married sister refuse to speak to her sister for the next six years over an EX-boyfriend.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:24 PM
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Elizabeth - I could see your point if Jo and Laurie had been in a long-term sexual relationship, but they were just friends (i.e. Jo didn't return his feelings); totally different scenario.
Penny - I also wondered if she was still dating the man; it's not clear from the letter whether or not she ended it. I can only assume that they are still together since she didn't mention ending it once she learned her sister's feelings and because the family stated that "she would get over it in time". In either case, it was still bad judgement on the LW's part.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Jennifer
Wed Mar 17, 2010 9:10 AM
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LW1 - Maybe writer's sister is more upset at her sister's moral compass than anything else. It may not be jealousy at all. Why on earth should she trust her sister when her sister is (or was) dating someone she was serious with for EIGHT years!! Did the writer do things that now in 20/20 hindsight makes the sister wonder if she was flirting with him while she was with him, did she have a thing for him back then?? Maybe she feels so betrayed that she doesnt' feel she can trust her to be around her current husband. Eight years is a long time to be with someone, I would think that everyone considered him part of the family after so long, and you don't date your own family! I for one, would never have sex with someone my sister had sex with, even if it was only once!! That's just nasty, and it's a complete disrespect and disloyalty to date someone your sister/close friend was deeply involved with.
As for her being in dark days after her divorce....that's when you go hang out with your girl friends for emotional support, not your sister's ex-boyfriend! If I was the writer's sister, I would write her off for her poor morals as well!
Comment: #21
Posted by: Mel
Thu Mar 18, 2010 7:45 PM
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I shared an apartment with my brother for a couple of years when we were in our 20s. It was perfect. We got along well. We hung out together and had separate social lives as well. Nobody thought anything of it. He was the best roommate ever. Maybe the disapproving LW2 is jealous because she's feeling left out. Carrying on about how it doesn't look right to her is only going to leave everyone thinking there's something wrong with HER nasty little imagination. She should keep this ridiculous disapproval to herself.
Comment: #22
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Tue May 31, 2011 1:35 AM
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