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Annie's Mailbox®, March 8
Dear Annie: My neighbors, "The Smiths," are new members in the community. Recently, their 8-year-old son went to play at a classmate's home. The classmate, "Johnny," closed his bedroom door and then told Mrs. Smith's son to take his pants off, threatening him if he told anyone. The Smith boy told his parents anyway, and they went to speak to Johnny's parents, who denied everything and refused to accept that the incident ever happened.
Johnny's mother is the school mouthpiece and is telling every parent in the class that my neighbor's son is a pedophile. Now everyone avoids them. The Smiths love this area, have spent tens of thousands in renovations and just want this woman to stop lying. They have tried to talk to other parents, but apparently, the damage has been done.
I know the Smiths' son needs counseling, but they seem to be paying a high price for his victimization. How can you convince such a big group of people that someone is lying? Is there anything she can do legally? Please help them. Every day seems to get worse. — Shocked in Saskatoon
Dear Saskatoon: A certain amount of "experimentation" is normal with children that age, but having an adult label the Smith boy a pedophile is extremely damaging. Suggest to your neighbor that she speak to an attorney about suing Johnny's mother for defamation. Even if the case never goes to court, a strongly worded letter from a lawyer can make the woman think twice about spreading more lies. Your neighbor should also speak to the principal of the school, as this is a form of bullying and the school should put a stop to it immediately.
Dear Annie: I have a strong and constant fear that my house will be broken into. It's so bad that I cannot live alone. I lock all the doors and shut all the windows, but I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.
When I'm alone, I tend to hear things that don't exist — like someone breathing or a window breaking. It frightens me so severely that my body becomes incredibly heavy and I cannot move. Why is this happening? Please help. — Scared To Be Alone
Dear Scared: You seem to have developed a debilitating phobia, which can often be helped through therapy and/or medication. Talk to your doctor about this and ask for a referral. You also can contact the Anxiety Disorders Association of America (adaa.org), 8730 Georgia Ave., Silver Spring, MD 20910, for additional information and assistance.
Dear Annie: This is in response to "Don't Want To Be a Sailor," who tends to blurt out swear words at the drop of a hat and wanted to stop.
Years ago, I had to have a hot water tank replaced. The work space was very small, and the repairman constantly scraped his knuckles on the plaster. Every time this happened, he spat out the word "sugar." I asked him why he did that, and he replied that ladies don't like to hear the four-letter alternative, and "sugar" works just as well. I have discovered that "phooey" and "Christopher Crunch" also do the trick. — No Sailor Talk Around Me, Please
Dear No Sailor: Substituting another, more acceptable word and using it with regularity can help break the swearing habit. Although one of us rather takes exception to using "sugar," we think the basic idea is a good one.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 -- A pedophile is, by definition, an adult who is sexually attracted to children -- an 8-year old can't be a pedophile. The person who starts such a rumour wouldn't have much credibility in an informed community and the person who believes it doesn't have much sense. There is definitely more to this story.
LW2 -- Years ago, I read something that said "think anything, but say 'fiddlesticks'". I still subscribe to that principle but my word of choice was always "rats". What I'm thinking when I say "rats" is not publishable.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lynn
Mon Mar 8, 2010 2:02 AM
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LW1: Annies, you blew it. When child #1 tries to make child #2 do something sexual without child #2's permission and then makes threats not to tell, then the activity has transgressed into abuse. That is NOT experimentation... and Johnny clearly knows what he's doing is wrong if he's closing the door and making threats to keep his behavior a secret.
Additionally you missed the boat with how viciously Johnny's parents are responding to the situation. What exactly are they trying to cover up? Has Johnny done this to other kids? Is there sexual abuse going on in THEIR home and now they are targeting the Smiths to get the attention taken off of them?
Comment: #2
Posted by: PS
Mon Mar 8, 2010 5:30 AM
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Both you and the Annies are incorrect. An 8 year old CAN be a pedophile, though often that is due to grooming from previous sexual abuse. Also, Johnny's behavior crossed the line into sexual abuse and no longer was "experimentation" the minute he began making threats, because clearly the Smith child did not want to participate. There is NOTHING normal about what's going on here at any angle.
I am additionally worried about what's going on in Johnny's home. What are his parents trying to cover up? Has Johnny done this before and are they trying to prevent people from figuring out there's a pattern? Are they trying to cover up abuse going on in their own home? A healthy parent would immediately have done whatever it took to get Johnny help and figure out why he thinks it's okay to try and manipulate other children into sexual activity with him.
Comment: #3
Posted by: PS
Mon Mar 8, 2010 5:35 AM
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In answer to "Scared to be Alone", I was just like that when my husband worked nights. After we got our
dog, I was never afraid again. I know that she would bark like crazy if someone was even on the porch or
near a window. It is very comforting.
Scared no Longer
Comment: #4
Posted by: Dorothy Hayes
Mon Mar 8, 2010 7:22 AM
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My friend reported to me that her child's teacher had become frustrated with him and had pinched his nose so hard that his face remained red at the end of the day when she came to pick up her child. She turned to me to ask, should she report what happened? I asked her had a complete stranger done what this teacher had done what would be her response? >>>The Smith's son was sexually assaulted when Johnny bullied and threatened him. This is not experimentation where kids define a common playing field. Others facing this situation should without hesitation notify the police when their child has been sexually assaulted by an acquaintance of any age. It's important for your child to see you handle these types of situation with confidence and authority. As you move forward, I would advise that you keep in mind that it is a blessing for "Johnny" to get the support that he needs early in life. It is obvious that this child is in need of help! >>>If others, like the Smiths, pursue remedies with love and caring for all the children involved, I believe that in many cases the community will work together to find appropriate solutions. >>>As for the Smith's, right now, I think their child's well-being continues to be placed at risk. This poor child, who did everything he was supposed to do, continues to be victimized by this sexual assault because his parents are failing to do what they are supposed to do. Their renovations, etc., are not nearly as important as their child's self worth. Their son's protection needs to be their first priority. >>>At this point, I would encourage them to move. BUT BEFORE MOVING, I would also have an attorney put the family on notice (as Annie indicates), AND I would encourage the Smith's to notify child protective services. Once full recourse has been established, I would relieve my child of the pressure to face his abuser day-in and day-out coupled with the misplaced ridicule of the larger community. >>>In addition to demonstrating for their son that he is valued and worthy of every defense, the Smith's action will place the burden of this unfortunate situation on Johnny and his family and not on the Smith's son. In following such a course of action, the Smiths will definitely make a difference for their son. Though it should not be a priority for them but rather something that simply comes out in the process, they POSSIBLY may save Johnny, from himself, and avoid there being future victims, as well.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Debora Beverly
Mon Mar 8, 2010 9:10 AM
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If "Scared To Be Alone" drinks coffee, s/he should stop immediately. Drinking coffee during the day, even many hours before bedtime, can exacerbate nighttime jumpiness to a surprising degree. "Scared" might also want to look into natural calming remedies, such as GABA or L-theanine (both amino acids). They are inexpensive, gentle, and effective.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Van Wickle
Mon Mar 8, 2010 9:46 AM
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Re: Debora Beverly By all means the Smiths absolutely need to contact CPS and police. I suspect the Smith boy was not the first boy this has happened to, and with his parents he wan't be the last. They also need to see a lawyer, what this mother is doing is slander or libel, and illegal. Sue for the cost of moving, plus emotional damage. With the continued bullying, the Smith boy could probably use the support of counseling. We can be sure Johnny, who definitely needs it, won't get it unless others report him and it is ordered by CPS or juvenile authoities, etc. If the Smiths absolutely cannot move out of the area, they need to at least get their son in a different school. Many school districts allow out of boundary open enrollment on a space available basis, providing parents supply transportation. If the school principal is not helpful, go to the superintendent. Look into charter and private schools. Many church run schools do not limit themselve to only students of their faith and I would rather deal with "why our church does things differently" than the current bullying. Just wondering...any other families in Johnnie's class suddenly move out of the neighborhood? The way Johnnie's mother reacted, this probably happened before and she knows it. (Another reason to contact CPS, they may have a previous report on Johnnie.)
Comment: #7
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Mar 8, 2010 10:27 AM
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LW1: The first thing I thought was "how awful" and the second thing was "Saskatoon? That's happening here?" Anyhow the answer is yes. In the Saskatoon public school system you can go to whichever school you want, you can be bussed to French Immersion (8 might be too late to switch to French though), switch to the Catholic system or, if you can afford it, switch to one of the few independent schools. Lots of options to move the child to another school without selling the house.
Comment: #8
Posted by: everybodysdifferent
Mon Mar 8, 2010 11:34 AM
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Hang on, everyone....why is everyone wanting to involve the schools here? The incident did not happen in a school, nor in a school setting. School personnel have no business getting involved in a situation that happened outside of the school day or by extension, the school setting. Since "Saskatoon" did not even mention the schools in her letter, getting them involved is misguided. Schools cannot, and should not, take on the roles that parents have in settling out-of-school incidents. It's up to the parents to do their job -- parenting -- and leave the schools to do their job. If this incident were to have happened in the school, then yes, school personnel should be involved. But other than that, it's not the school's job to settle the issue.
Comment: #9
Posted by: muinteoir
Mon Mar 8, 2010 7:55 PM
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There is a website called bulliestobuddies.com that is about teaching children how to manage bullies. It might be work checking out.
Good luck
Comment: #10
Posted by: Cherryl
Tue Mar 9, 2010 11:54 AM
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Another thought that occurred to me is how children act out what they see and experience. This makes me wonder what Johnny may be experiencing?
Comment: #11
Posted by: Debora Beverly
Tue Mar 9, 2010 2:26 PM
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