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Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more.
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Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more.
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Annie's Mailbox®, March 3
Dear Annie: My wife of four years passed away rather quickly last year, and I was devastated. She was only 42. I am 49.
Her 22-year-old daughter came to live with me, and we began consoling each other. She is the spitting image of her mother. The problem is, we have fallen in love. We share the same bed now and are sexually intimate. I want to ask her to marry me, and I know she will say yes.
She is not a blood relation and has no relatives to object. Her father left her mother when she was young, and he has never been in contact. I am in love and feel like a kid again. Is this wrong? — San Pedro
Dear San Pedro: Well, there is a huge "ick" factor. Aside from that, this girl is only 22. The loss of her mother brought you two together, but in a superficial, and likely temporary, way. We can understand what appeals to you — she looks like Mom, she is young and vibrant and makes you feel like a teenager, and you have a loss in common. She may love you, but it could be as the father figure who has been missing from her life. If you truly love her, please give her the time, opportunity and freedom to figure it out.
Dear Annie: Our very good friends got a kitten a year ago. The kitten was never properly trained and now, as a grown cat, thinks it is welcome everywhere.
When we go to their home for dinner, the cat walks all over the kitchen counters where the food is being prepared and even jumps up on the dinner table while we're eating. My wife refuses to go to their house for any reason, especially meals, and won't accept any food they bring to us. We've met them for dinner in restaurants a couple of times, but it is getting awkward to keep avoiding their place. Should we admit that the prevalence of the cat all over everything makes it undesirable? — California
Dear California: If your friends ask why you won't come over, you should tell them the truth in the nicest way possible. Say it makes you uncomfortable when the cat walks all over the countertops and dinner table. They may protest, but you can easily hold your ground by pleading a highly developed sensitivity to cat hair. At this point, they are not likely to retrain the cat, so it is kinder to let them assume the problem is yours.
Dear Annie: "Heartsick in the Heartland" can be supportive of her nephews with Duchenne muscular dystrophy (DMD) by contacting a wonderful organization called Parent Project Muscular Dystrophy (PPMD), founded and funded by parents, therapists and medical researchers. Their website is www.parentprojectmd.org and their toll-free number is 1-800-714-5437.
PPMD has contacts and activities in most states. At their annual conferences, there is an opportunity to meet other parents and hear what new developments exist. The important thing is for parents to know they are not alone. There is hope, help and friendship. There is no cure, but treatments may make it possible for a person to live to age 30 in relatively good shape.
All states have support and funding programs for children with disabilities, including getting them into Medicare. Swimming and water therapy are invaluable to a child with DMD. With the aid of a walker or wheelchair, a DMD kid can attend a regular school and maybe even college. I wish I could share the bright, angelic smile of my 3-year-old grandson. With intense physical therapy, he has just learned to walk. Oh, how he laughs! He brings great joy to everyone who meets him. — A Caring Grandmother
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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28 Comments | Post Comment
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I can't believe this 22-y.o. gal started sleeping with her own stepfather to begin with. How the hell did this get started? "Ick" is right.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Tue Mar 2, 2010 10:30 PM
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Dear Annie,I care for my mom who is 74 and has many health problems!I am disabled with health problems also but still I would never have it any other way.My problem is one of my sibling.On occasion I need help getting my mom to a Dr. appt,or picking up her meds.I would never ask ,but when it affects my moms well being I have to.I don't drive due to a spinal cord injury!This sibling uses everytime she does something to make her rude comments or horrible statements.I don't know what to do!I have tried talking to her on several occasions about it but she thinks she is right.If I talked to her like that or acted that way to her she would flip out.We live on my disability and what little my mom contributes after her insurance and meds are paid for and trust me its not much.Our one luxury is basic direct tv.We do nothing, no lunches or dinners out ,no outings,only to the Dr,no shopping,toothpaste is a luxury!But she has the nerve to ask me what I do with our money,only because she wanted to pick up a prescription that we had to wait on until we were paid.Do you think she would offer to pay for it?Of course not!Instead she insults me.Ive had it with her and her hate.I want to tell her to stay away and don't come back and that is way out of character for me,but none of my siblings offer no help in any way and I don't think they know how hard it is.I guess what I am saying is it would be nice to be appreciated a little and maybe a little help once in a while without being abused ! Loss for words
Comment: #2
Posted by: Tina
Tue Mar 2, 2010 11:40 PM
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Tina, this isn't the forum for asking the Annies a question. They're not going to answer here. But I would suggest that whether or not it's "out of character" for you to tell your sister to leave you alone if she can't be more helpful, you'd better do it unless you want this to continue.
I got a laugh out of the "untrained" cat. We have four and love them all, but they do what they want. That's how cats are. They're not dogs. We keep them off the counter by putting them down every time they get up. They just get up again when we go away.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:16 AM
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I'm with LW2. My sister acquired two kittens a few years ago and let them run wild while she worked 60+ hours a week. She never bothered to de-claw or neuter them. These cats are all over the counters, the tables, and into the garbage. They broke knick-knacks, shredded her blinds, and chewed many of her electrical cords. I stopped visiting her when I spent the night during the holidays and woke up with scratches all over my legs and the remnants of a leftover turkey carcass at the foot of my bed. Yuck! Fortunately, I stopped visiting before they began to spray but my other siblings tell me the house now smells so bad they can hardly stand five minutes. My sister meanwhile coos about her babies and appears oblivious. Instead of beating around the bush or trying to keep up appearances, I flatly told my sister that I won't be over again until the "babies" are gone. Before people lambaste me for being a cat hater, let me state that I have a six year old male cat that is very well behaved. I spent a lot of time (and two water guns) training him to never jump up onto counters or tables. He's de-clawed and thanks to a bit of bitter gel never chews anything except his playthings. Well trained cats are possible with a little patience.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chris
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:17 AM
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I understand that sandpaper or a screen on the counter will repel cats. They don't like that feeling under their feet.
Comment: #5
Posted by: jennifer
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:48 AM
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Am I the only one who read the first letter as San Pedo?
Comment: #6
Posted by: dave
Wed Mar 3, 2010 5:23 AM
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Chris,
" She never bothered to de-claw or neuter them."
Neuter them: certainly.
De-claw a cat: H3ll no! Why would you cut your own fingers? That is what you are doing to your cat you claim to love! Shame on you!
Mother to 3 furbabies
Comment: #7
Posted by: Bonnie
Wed Mar 3, 2010 5:38 AM
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Tina,
Check with your state elderly services office. There is a network of low-cost rides for elderly (over 62) and disabled persons which apparently is in all states. In the Boston area, it's THE RIDE and associated with the local pulic transit company; so a good place to start might be with a call to Your local bus company. This service provides low cost (here it is $2 each way) transportation with no charge for a caregiver accompanying the person. Persons other than caretakers can accompany the person but are charged the same fee as the qualifying person. I know if I travel to another state on vacation I can request through my local office the contact information I will need for similar tranportation services in the area where I am visiting.
Comment: #8
Posted by: graham072442
Wed Mar 3, 2010 6:53 AM
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Tina,
Check with your state elderly services office. There is a network of low-cost rides for elderly (over 62) and disabled persons which apparently is in all states. In the Boston area, it's THE RIDE and associated with the local pulic transit company; so a good place to start might be with a call to Your local bus company. This service provides low cost (here it is $2 each way) transportation with no charge for a caregiver accompanying the person. Persons other than caretakers can accompany the person but are charged the same fee as the qualifying person. I know if I travel to another state on vacation I can request through my local office the contact information I will need for similar tranportation services in the area where I am visiting.
Comment: #9
Posted by: graham072442
Wed Mar 3, 2010 6:55 AM
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I'm with you, Bonnie. Don't declaw your cat! Folks think of it as removing the tip of your nail. Think about it more as removing everything after the last knuckle on your finger. Not only is it cruel, but your cat could very well develop other problems - like biting or not using her litterbox (because it hurts!). I see it so often where folks declaw their cats and then have to get rid of them because the cat has become mean or is peeing in their house. But, back to Chris, yes some people think that loving your animals means not teaching them manners because "discipline is mean." It is kind of the same concept with people raising kids... there are some folks who believe it cruel to teach their children "No". I have four cats and two dogs. I make it a point to train them because I love them. I want to be able to keep them for their entire lives - no matter if I move or new people enter my life. I also want to know that, should something happen to me tomorrow, my friends and family would be interested in taking them, rather than dumping them at the pound. And, yes, I do it out of respect for my guests and the people who live in my house.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Datura
Wed Mar 3, 2010 6:59 AM
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LW1: Break up with the teen, oops, girl immediately. This is gross and perverse. To us readers, it is obvious that you like her only because shelooks like Mom, which is even grosser. What a horrible, horrible way to disrespect your dead wife and for her to disrespect her mother. Just because there is no bloodline, this is incest. It is foul. Think of it as adopting a baby girl, and when she is 18, you decide to sleep with her. Just because she is not blood-related, you can't do that. A daughter is a daughter is a daughter. And you have lost your marbles. There are only billions of other women out there. Get on match.com and get away from your stepdaughter, you dirty old man. It's not the age difference that's gross here - it's the incest factor.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Salty
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:05 AM
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LW1: Break up with the teen, oops, girl immediately. This is gross and perverse. To us readers, it is obvious that you like her only because shelooks like Mom, which is even grosser. What a horrible, horrible way to disrespect your dead wife and for her to disrespect her mother. Just because there is no bloodline, this is incest. It is foul. Think of it as adopting a baby girl, and when she is 18, you decide to sleep with her. Just because she is not blood-related, you can't do that. A daughter is a daughter is a daughter. And you have lost your marbles. There are only billions of other women out there. Get on match.com and get away from your stepdaughter, you dirty old man. It's not the age difference that's gross here - it's the incest factor.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Salty
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:05 AM
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Re: Chris
I find it hard to believe you "woke up with scratches all over your legs". You're trying to claim that cats savaged you while you were sleeping and you didn't wake up? Sorry, that's a little bit of a stretch.
Comment: #13
Posted by:
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:27 AM
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Re: Salty
While I agree with the whole perverse/disgusting factor of what you are saying. Let's put it into perspecitive. The "daughter" is not HIS daughter. He was only married to ths woman for 4 years. When they married the daughter was already 18. This is not a father/daughter relationship nor is it anywhere near capable of being compared to an adoption! This isn't incest but it is still pretty gross. I think the Annies are right on thsi one, she is too young to see how wrong it is and she is using this man as a substitute for the father she never had. If this old perv really cared about her he would give her some time to grow up and mature. After that and they still want to be together.go for it...
Comment: #14
Posted by: Steve
Wed Mar 3, 2010 9:26 AM
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Re: Datura--Good information on declawing. We don't declaw our cats anymore but you have to be vigilant about providing alternatives for scratching. We did what we could to keep our cat off counters and the table. When we caught her, we put her down on the floor. She had to be off when I cooked or cleaned and when we were at the table or entered the room. She usually complied. Even if it is impossible to get a cat to stay off the counters, you can keep him off while you cook and put him in a bedroom when you have company for dinner. Cats spend an incredible amount of time sleeping and won't sit in the bedroom and pout. We love our cats. We have annual physicals, visits to the vets when ill, calls to the vet with questions, operations when needed. Keeping her off the counter and putting her in another room if people are trying to eat isn't cruel and unusual punishment.
Comment: #15
Posted by: BB
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:19 AM
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I will always regret declawing two of my cats over 30 years ago. I didn't realize what it involved. Both of them had problems with a claw growing back, which made for another surgery. As far as the smell, that can be avoided by religiously cleaning the litter box. I've had as many as four cats, and nobody would know it until I told them, because I cleaned the litter box several times a day. I worry more about people handling food with dirty hands than I do getting an occasional cat hair. Healthy cats keep themselves extremely clean.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:24 AM
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Re: April--I agree with you. I've had my cats attack my feet through the covers, and believe me, I wake up PDQ.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:25 AM
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Re: dave. Nope. I read it too. I feel bad for those folks, but the Annie's are right. They got together because of the death of someone who was dear to them. That being said, the relationship is bound to fall apart so they probably shouldn't get married. Although it is a little icky because he's the young woman's stepfather, it's not like they're blood related or like she was raised by him (they were married for 4 years - she's 22). Lots of 50-year-old men go out with young women. Nothing new here.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Pam
Wed Mar 3, 2010 11:15 AM
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Ummm, as for declawing...actually it's done with a laser now and they "cut" the nail out. No more cutting at the first knuckle...
Comment: #19
Posted by: Sharie
Wed Mar 3, 2010 12:10 PM
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Re: Sharie No kidding? Why hasn't this been publicized all over?? I am still getting used to being a cat owner, and it's only because my furniture is already 15 years old that I'm not freaking out over the scratching. But if I can declaw her in an ethical way . . . that would be great! Has anyone else out there done this? MML
Comment: #20
Posted by: margaret london
Wed Mar 3, 2010 3:51 PM
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Dear Annie,
I really need some help! About 3yrs ago I met a man on a "dating" site, we seemed to be made of the same cloth. This man very good looking and we are so much alike, how could that happen to me. He came to see me for a week and things were kinda diffent between us but I just wrote it off as "first meeting" nervousness. we never slept together on that first week and with the conversations we had on the pc and phone I thought for sure something would happen.
So he moved from a diffent state to be with me. try and see what should happen. well nothing has and it has been almost a year and Im not getting any younger. He and I get along great and if you were on the outside looking in you would think we had this HOT love life, but nothing. Dont wanna sound slutty but as I said befor Im not getting any younger and I find this man to be breath taking and want so much more in our relationship. he claims he loves me and I tell him I dont wanna be loved like his sister, I want the full-blown love affaire.
I have fallen head over hills in love with this man and to me the opton of just walking away does not work for me. what should I do hold out in hopes he will prove his love to me or walk away, and thats not what I want.
Please help. this is a good man in so many ways just wanna find out if he is in the bedroom.
Comment: #21
Posted by: donna bruner
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:43 PM
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Hello all,
You must understand, this girl reflects the beauty, grace, humour... Everything of her mother.
Clearly, this is no coincidence. This is fate to have this woman available, so similar to whom I lost. To neglect her would be to torture us both. With my steady income, and her...stamina, there is no reason we could not be happy together, in marriage, for eternity. Age is but a number.
San Pedro.
Comment: #22
Posted by: San pedro
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:52 PM
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Re: San pedro--If that were true then why did you write for advice? I agree age is a number (for mature individuals) My own husband is much older than myself. However this is your deceased wife's daughter. You wrote the letter thus having difficulties with the idea of being with her. It isn't incest as some have mentioned and you did not raise this woman as your own child. But it is disrespectful that it is your wife's daughter. I can only assume neither one of you even care about the dead woman when she was alive and what she would even think about this *relationship*
Comment: #23
Posted by: Cathy
Wed Mar 3, 2010 5:30 PM
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Cathy, it's obvious your heart is genuine. I did not write for myself, my conscience is clear. It is my step daughter who doubts us. She is hesitant to go full tilt.
And those who are calling this incest, are clearly jealous. In many countries it's legal to make love to family members. One could say I'm living the american dream.
Comment: #24
Posted by: San pedro
Wed Mar 3, 2010 7:53 PM
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I wouldnt call it sick and perverse. They are both legal adults and who the heck are you to judge other peoples lives and loves? That is sick and perverse. How dare you judge other adults! Ok I'm better now. The issue I have with his letter is in his own words. He says -"The problem is, we have fallen in love." Problem? Love between two single adults should never be a "problem". The advice is perfect (could have done without the ick comment). Time is what this relationship needs. And you Sick and Perverse commenters - get a grip
Comment: #25
Posted by: mike
Wed Mar 3, 2010 9:21 PM
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If 1st letter is not some sick joke, then it is beyond disturbing. "San Pedro" is clearly mentally ill and his stepdaughter should run away from this creep as fast as she can. She obviously has some serious psychological problems and needs a therapy, not a relationship with a dirty old pervert who is using her when she is vulnerable. I hope she has some family members or friends who can help her get out of this situation.
Comment: #26
Posted by: dana
Thu Mar 4, 2010 1:31 AM
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Re: San pedro
Ok, here is my take in response to all the other comments. One, I do not find the relationship disrespectful in any way to the deceased wife. Life is for the living, not the dead. I am sure the wife would want her husband and daughter to be happy. The relationship is also absolutely not incestuous! The young woman was an adult when her mother married this man and they are in no way related. My largest concern is the age factor. This young woman is too young to know whether or not she wants children. How does this man feel about raising a second family? Also, he will be aging and with deteriorating health while she is still young, attractive, healthy, active and vibrant. Likewise, there is a huge gap in culture and experience, since these two come from and entirely different generation. I feel that this man will age her prematurely and she will feel resentful, disappointed and bored. I was once married to a man that was just ten years older than I was and I know that I had issues with all of the above. In addition, since this woman did not have a father figure growing up and this man is so much older than her, I definitely feel that there is daddy issues at play here. She can and should marry someone that is young, handsome, and vibrant like her and who can be a real father for her children, not a half-involved tired grandpa. Ultimately, I can see the benefit for the man in this relationship, but I feel that the young lady would get the short end of the stick. Financial security is hardly compensation for all the negatives of marrying a much older man.
Comment: #27
Posted by: SarahM
Thu Mar 4, 2010 4:41 PM
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Okay, I wasn't seriously grossed out by LW1 until I read the following: "In many countries it's legal to make love to family members. One could say I'm living the american dream."
1. What countries and which family members are we talking about?
2. What on earth does the second sentence mean?!?!
After reading that, I DO think that San Pedro sounds like a cretin. I hope she runs fast and far.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Jennifer
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:13 AM
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