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Annie's Mailbox®, February 14
Dear Readers: Happy Valentine's Day to one and all, and special good wishes to our veterans in VA hospitals around the country. And for those readers who have taken the time to send valentines and visit the vets, bless each and every one of you.
Dear Annie: My wife and I are friends with "Terri," who has a 13-year-old daughter, "Kendra." The dad has never been in the picture. Since Kendra was a toddler, her next-door neighbor has tried to be a father to her. Terri didn't mind, since she needed all the help she could get.
This neighbor is at Terri's house all the time. While he has been great about helping with Kendra's homework, he also scolds her for minor infractions. What's begun to worry us, however, is that he has started staring at her developing body.
Terri has never had a romantic relationship with this neighbor. In fact, he hasn't had a physical relationship with anyone since she has known him. My wife thinks this is OK, but I think it is highly abnormal for a single male adult to develop a close relationship with a young girl. He has no children of his own. This seems way out of line to me. What do you think? — Worried Friend
Dear Worried: We think it bears watching. It's possible this neighbor has simply taken a fatherly interest in helping to raise the girl next door. But he could be a sexual abuser who thinks he's found the perfect victim. He also could have started with good intentions and later became inappropriately interested in Kendra. Terri trusts him because he's been around a long time and seems harmless, so we strongly urge you to wake her up. It is her responsibility to protect her daughter. If you and your wife are close to Kendra, you might also let her know she can confide in either of you at any time.
Dear Annie: I am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. I am certain he is "the one."
The problem is, I am a virgin and he has been with two other girls. I want to save sex for marriage, but I don't think he deserves my virginity, and it makes me resent him. Please help me get over these past hookups. — Jealous in Ohio
Dear Ohio: This kind of resentment can build over time. If you cannot convince yourself that it truly doesn't matter, the relationship will not last. You also might keep in mind that as you get older, the odds of finding a man who hasn't had prior experience decrease. This does not mean you should lower your standards. Rather, you should expect to confront this same issue in the future, so it makes sense to thoroughly examine your feelings on the subject now.
Dear Annie: "Not a Fan of Ghouls in Canada" said her husband encourages their four young children to watch scary movies and play violent video games. My son likes to watch violent shows on TV and play violent games when his young son is present. I wrote him this letter, hoping it would help:
Dear Son: I think you're a swell dad, and I know you love your child. Your son hasn't the ability to distinguish between what's happening in his environment and what's on TV. Studies show that children who see violence on TV behave in violent ways. He has already started hitting, slapping, yelling and throwing things at people.
Your son has no control over his environment. He depends on you to provide what is best for him, including what he sees and hears. I think you should be very careful about what he's exposed to. You could play those games or watch those TV shows when he's asleep.
Since I love my grandson, I want him to have the most wonderful, stable, secure childhood possible. I know you do, too. — Love M.O.M.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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OMG!! The guy stares and he's a perv?!? Jeez! What is this nosy neighbor doing while this guy is staring at Kendra? This neighbor needs to get a life. If this neighbor is really concerned about Kendra, they should also do things to build a relationship with her. The more positive adults and positive role models Kendra has in her life, the more likely she will be to tell someone if something inappropriate does happen. Kendra herself should be told to say no when she feels uncomfortable.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Irene Hollimon
Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:58 AM
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I have looked forward to retiring my intire adult life! To do as I please the way I please. People think I am depressed because I prefer to stay home most of the time and read and enjoy my grandkids and family and do not socialize often. What do I say to them?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Carol Hart
Sun Feb 14, 2010 7:02 AM
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Carol - why should this be a problem? Tell them you're not depressed and you like to be home. If you're worried about being brusque, thank them for being concerned and tell them there's nothing to be concerned about.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Feb 14, 2010 8:04 AM
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Good advice to Worried Friend, he is not worried without a reason and he should tell Terri to pay attention. Better safe than sorry.
Comment: #4
Posted by: ana
Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:06 AM
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There's a lot of mis-information about the connection between youth violence and video games. The PBS webpage http://www.pbs.org/kcts/videogamerevolution/impact/myths.html has some excellent facts to dispel the myths. The two most important facts is that there are no reputable studies showing that video games cause violence, and most important, FBI crime statistics show a DECREASE in teen violence over the few decades. In fact, violence is at a 30 year low. As a responsible adult, it's important to keep track of what your child is exposed to, but a blanket condemnation of this new medium makes no more sense than the assumption in the 1950's that reading comic books lead to juvenile deliquency.
Comment: #5
Posted by: dave
Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:09 AM
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Two comments:
My sister, a single mother with two young daughters, went on a blind date set up by my (then) husband. Both men were LAPD officers. I would give anything to be able to recall the date's exact words, but her blood ran cold when he said something about how slender she was and how she almost looked like a little girl. Wisely (I think), she never saw him again.
Second comment:
I was with my son, his wife, and my three young grandchildren on a trip to Disneyland. While we were on the Jungle Boat ride .. the part where a huge hippopotamus suddenly emerges from the water, my 4-year-old grandsom snuggled closer and said, "Is that REAL grandma, or is it fake?" He didn't know. He couldn't tell, even though he knew we were at Disneyland. He was fine as soon as I said it was not real, it was just for fun, but he was too young to figure it out by himself.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Mary M. Lewis
Sun Feb 14, 2010 11:26 AM
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Re: Carol Hart--I used to have the same problem with my extrovert friends. I'm a major introvert and need my time alone to recharge like most people need oxygen. I've thoroughly enjoyed not having to work for the last few years, because that means I can spend my days alone and be ready for the family at the end of the day. Unfortunately, people who are extroverts get their strength from being around other people and they think they must "fix" those of us who are introverts. Tell people that you're an introvert--not anti-social, which is a common misconception, but that you enjoy being alone. I can go to a party and enjoy it, but then I need time alone to recharge. I hate talking on the phone and consider a telephone to be a necessary evil. People will say you need to "come out of your shell." Well, my response is Why? If I'm perfectly happy in here, what's it to you?
Comment: #7
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Feb 14, 2010 12:45 PM
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RE: Irene Hollimon's comment on LW1: I wonder if "Kendra" dresses in skimpy tank tops and shorts that barely cover her @ss like so many other teenagers (and pre-teens!) these days! If guys aren't supposed to stare at her, then maybe she and her mother need to re-evaluate how she dresses. (I'm not saying that it's okay for someone to act like a pervert, but skimpy clothes tend to send the wrong message!)
Comment: #8
Posted by: Paul
Mon Feb 15, 2010 8:57 PM
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Dear Annie:
I am 18 and have been with my boyfriend for a year. I am certain he is "the one."The problem is, I am a virgin and he has been with two other girls.
I want to save sex for marriage, but I don't think he deserves my virginity, and it makes me resent him. Please help me get over these past hookups. — Jealous in Ohio
http://www.creators.com/advice/annies-mailbox.html Retrieved Feb. 14, th 2010
Dear Ohio,
The past hookups you refer to seems to be good morals perhaps learned from your upbringing. Sex is an important part of a young ladies rite of passage. Your feelings and beliefs are to be commended in the 21st century. The trend in the United States is nearly 50 percent of teens have sex before marriage. “Current research indicates that 95% of Americans have had sex before marriage (Olson, DeFrain, & Skogrand, 2008, p 172-173).
Being jealous over a boyfriend having prior sexual interludes with former girlfriends could cause problems further down the line in your relationship. This issue needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. You should look within yourself and decide whether or not keeping your virginity is of the upmost importance. Your boyfriend cannot change the past and if he is in a monogamous relationship, you now should accept him as he is, unless there is anything more than a platonic relationship with his past girlfriends. If the relationship with the other girls is more than friends, you should drop him faster than a hot potato.
After deep soul searching of yourself about the decision of whether to have sex with your partner the matter should be discussed between both of you. If you decide to have sex layout some ground rules, confidentiality and commitment would be a good beginning additionally, bringing up the past is not a good thing to do. There are scores of sexual transmitted diseases and since your partner has been with other women it certainly would be an excellent idea to get checked by a health clinic for any possible STD's. Volunteering to accompany him at the checkup would relieve any animosity he may have at the time.
Boyfriends sometimes just want a willing partner to be sexually active, and since you desire to stay a virgin until marriage, possibly your boyfriend would agree to what the religious media has termed “secondary virgins” (Donnelly, Burgess, Anderson, Davis, & Dillard, 2001, p159). This concept is about former sexually active persons choosing to be celibate until marriage.
You may feel peer pressure and feel different than your friends or acquaintances about waiting to have sex. You may feel left behind and fall into the trap of involuntary celibacy (Donnelly, Burgess, Anderson, Davis, & Dillard, 2001. p161, 164). Time and age is on your side so do not hurry and make decisions hastily, and if you decide to have sex enjoy and use safe sex practices (use protection).
~Annie
Olson, D. H., DeFrain, J., & Skogrand, L. (2008). Marriages and families: Intimacy, diversity, and strengths (6th ed.) New York: Mcgraw-Hill.
Donnelly, D., Burgess, E., Anderson, S., Davis, R., and Dillard, J. (2001). Involuntary Celibacy: A Life Course Analsis. Journal of Sex Research, 38 (2), 159-169.
Comment: #9
Posted by: stan
Wed Feb 24, 2010 8:11 PM
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