Dear Annie: “Still the Mom” was jealous that her daughter has found her birth parents. Adoptive parents get the short end of things when we see TV shows and read articles about this. The public gets teary over the joyful reunion, and the adoptive parents are rarely mentioned.
Searching for birth parents is about the adopted child knowing their biological roots, which helps them form a more complete image of themselves. But on an emotional basis, it is difficult for adoptive parents, even though studies show overwhelmingly that adoptees feel closer to their adoptive parents after meeting their birth parents.
I'd advise this mother to let go a little. Her daughter will, in time, appreciate the woman who rocked her as a baby, dried her tears and shared in her accomplishments. This is a bond the birth parents don't have. — Adoption Counselor in California
Dear California: Thank you for your comforting words. We received hundreds of letters in response to “Still the Mom.” Read on:
From Richmond, Va.: Your answer was correct. The majority of adoptees searching for their birth parents are not trying to replace their adoptive parents. They want to fill the gaps in their histories. My adoptive mother said it best: “The reunion is not about me as a mother or my relationship with my daughter. It is about her finding what she needs to become whole.” I can offer two more good resources: The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute in New York (adoptioninstitute.org) and the American Adoption Congress (americanadoptioncongress.org).
Boston: Forty years ago, my teenage daughter relinquished her newborn baby girl. The remarkable, fearless adoptive mother told the child often that her birth mother thought of her daily. She kept a duplicate treasure album of the girl's photos, report cards, awards and poems to someday present to her birth mother, and at 18, the child was encouraged to do a search. The relationship with our family has evolved nicely and allowed us the pleasure of seeing her become a wife and mother.
The adoptive mother IS her mother, my daughter is her loving friend, and our gratitude is forever.
New York: I am a therapist who works with adoptive families. It is normal to feel her daughter shares something with her birth family that she doesn't. The birth family feels the same way because she shares something with her daughter that they never will. Here's another resource for adoptive families: the North American Council on Adoptable Children (nacac.org).
California: Ten years ago, my daughter was contacted by a daytime talk show, saying someone from her past wanted to meet her. She was reunited with her birth family on national TV. I was totally stunned, but when called up on stage, I said, “I want to give the birth mother a hug and thank her for giving me the opportunity to become a mother.” Neither my daughter nor I has much contact with the birth mother now, and my daughter told me she is thankful we chose her.
Louisiana: I am the birth mother of a 45-year-old man. His adoptive parents loved and nurtured him. When he was an adult, he found me. For the first year or so, it was like a honeymoon. When I met his mom, we were polar opposites except in one area: We both wanted the best for her son. At 45, my birth son still calls his real mother first, and I am privileged to hear from him from time to time.
Chicago: My son was not interested in contacting his birth mother until he married and wanted his medical history. She was so happy to have the contact. I told my son, “You can never have too many people who love you.”
Texas: As a birth mother, I can tell you that birth parents feel just as uncomfortable. When “Still” complains that she has to share her daughter with strangers, she is being shortsighted. The birth mother shared her daughter with strangers and didn't get to know her. Instead of being jealous, she might be thankful someone gave her the opportunity to be a mother.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Your series of letters regarding "found" family members prompted me to write my family's experience. My sister gave up her third child who was born just after her husband left her. She would not allow me or my mother to take him or even to see him. All we knew was that the baby was a boy. My sister died of the effects of a serious hereditary disease a year later. Thirty=two years later, having been told the symptoms he had were probably an inherited disease, he was given the identity of his sister for medical reasons. She and their older brother did not inherit this problem but she told him to call my brother who does have the disease and is also a physician. My nephew happened to visit for the first time a week before our daughter's wedding. He is a professional musician and music teacher and, as his wife says, can play any instrument you can blow into. He and his new-found brother, both with beautiful voices, sang a duet at the wedding. Our daughter was marrying a New Orleans native, and my new-found-nephew played "When the Saints Come Marching In" on his clarinet while the guests did a traditional "second line dance". He and his wife have since had three children and they attend all our family functions. We are all delighted that he found us.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Carol Bowen
Sat Feb 13, 2010 8:42 AM
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This is a narrative, not a complaint. I can understand the adoptive mother's position, and I know the other side all too well. I gave up my firstborn many years ago. After 19 years of wondering and worrying and yearning, I finally made contact. At first the adoptive mother was enthusiastic, saying that she'd been expecting me to be in touch for years (I hesitated until the child was grown, not wanting to interfere), sending me pictures, chatting on the phone and inviting us to visit. Our whole family made the trip and the instant that she opened the door and looked at me, I could see that her heart hardened. It was an awkward visit and I've never seen her or her husband again. I've remained in contact with my child off and on since then, but, out of respect for the mother, I think, my child has kept me on the far periphery of life. Before the first wedding, I was told that I could come if I wouldn't reveal to anyone who I am (I didn't go), the second wedding, I was informed of by email about six months after. I have not seen this child's children since they were tiny. I have grown used to this situation and accept it, though it is still evolving. This child and spouse came to my third child's wedding and it seems will perhaps be getting together with my other children occasionally.
I really wish that my child's adoptive mother/parents could have had previous commenter Gayle's refreshing attitude, but I am grateful that I got to know that my child is well and can provide some family medical history. Also, Gayle, thank you for your kind words about those of us who have very painfully given up our children so that they could have a life better than we could have provided at the time. I never told my parents about this child and to this day only a few people know. I think that had the adoptive parents been more open to a relationship, I would have been able to share this secret and we would have all been better off.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Pugo
Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:14 PM
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I am adopted. My adoptive mother was frightened, too. She was afraid she would "lose me"...as if that could happen just because I met someone that loved me. My adoptive mother was also anxious and behaved inappropriately with my in-laws. She's a jealous grandmother, too, who finds it hard to share her grandchildren. Honestly, I see it as a failing in her as a person, a weakness, if you will. As a person who is adopted, the woman who gave me life, the woman who gave birth to me, is also my mother. No, she didn't rock me to sleep. No, she didn't see my first day of school or watch me ride my bike for the first time. She just made it possible for that to happen. And for that...I don't need to justify or apologize or explain why I need and want a relationship with her and the rest of my family by birth. They are MINE. My family. I won't apologize or hide my need for a relationship with them. And once the shock wears off...the adjustment period is over...if an adoptive family can't accept that an adoptive child has 2 families (or 3, if they are married) then it isn't about the adoptive child or the family by birth...but about the adoptive parents need to control and "own" us. And we aren't here to fulfill their needs. I wasn't born to make my adoptive parents happy. I'm just here. And I'm free to love who I want to love.
Comment: #3
Posted by: j
Sat Feb 13, 2010 11:51 PM
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My father was not adopted, but he did lose his mother at a very very young age. He had very little contact with his mother's family while growing up, although I understand my grandfather made some effort to have my dad see his mother's relatives at least a few times. But his dad died when my father was in his teens, so information about his mother and her family were gone then, too. When my dad was in his seventies, and we had just gotten our first computer, he asked me to search for information on his mother's family, saying he knew it wouldn't be the same as actually knowing her, but it might fill some of the hole. So I can understand someone wanting to know their birth parents; I think it is a natural desire to know your roots.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:07 PM
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My parents were very young when they had me. My parents were also addicts and had severe mental health issues. I ended up becoming a ward of the court and lived in a group home. When I got to college I was very lonely and afraid. I ended up in bad relationships not knowing any better. I thought I was in love. I became pregnant. The father of my baby didn't want to be with me or have a baby. I spent 9 months trying to plan on keeping my daughter. Without family support and no money I was worried about how I would care for my child. At least in my mind, I had no choice but to accept adoption. Although I am grateful my daughter has a great life and terrific parents (they are very good people) I am extremely jealous that they had the means to take her and that in our society I had no choice but to give her to people with money. The pro-life agencies will do everything to make sure the baby is born but don't care what happens to the mother or baby after the birth.
The adoption was open and I received letters and pictures every few months for the first few years of my daughters life. I was encouraged to visit. I didn't want to confuse my daughter and resisted visiting. Eventually, I did visit but when the adoptive mother saw the bond forming... I was told that things were getting confusing and the visits would no longer be allowed. When the adoptive mother said that... I felt like I was giving my daughter up again. It was agonizing. I always want what is best for my daughter so I agreed to whatever they asked of me.
It is painful to be the birth mother seeing the child you carried for 9 months talking to their "parents". I felt so inferior around them. They could afford to raise my daughter. They were emotionally ready to have children. I was inadequate and embarrassed that I couldn't do what they could do.
If my daughter wants to see me when she is old enough to do it without her parents supervising then she is more than welcome. I love her and want her to be happy. I would stay away if that is what she wanted. Her adoptive parents don't have to worry about me taking over because I wouldn't put my daughter in the awkward position of choosing between us... i would just step away because it is the right thing to do for her.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Serendipity
Tue Feb 16, 2010 2:18 PM
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