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Annie's Mailbox®, February 12
Dear Annie: I am a happily married woman. I am also close to “Tom,” whom I have known for 15 years. My husband is friendly with Tom, as well.
The problem is Tom's girlfriend. There has never been anything sexual about my relationship with Tom. He is four years younger, and I think of him as a little brother. I have done everything I can think of to welcome his girlfriend. I've called her. I've e-mailed so she can get to know me better. I've invited her for dinner. I've offered to invite Tom over only when my husband is home. None of it seems to matter. She still thinks he's cheating on her with me.
Tom has been there during the toughest times of my life. He doesn't drive due to a physical disability, so I'm lucky to see him a few times a month. His girlfriend sees him almost every night, but even when she's with him at my house, she gets jealous and picks a fight. Tom does not condone her behavior, but I'm beginning to feel angry that she is accusing me of things I would never do — like cheat on my husband.
Tom is like family to me. How can I make this woman understand that we are friends and nothing more? I'd love to hang out and have fun with both of them, but she is unwilling. Any suggestions? — At Wits' End
Dear AWE: Tom's girlfriend is very insecure. She is unreasonably jealous because she cannot control the relationship Tom has with you except by eliminating it altogether. That is her ultimate goal and the reason why your friendly overtures are not working. If Tom cannot reassure her sufficiently, he will continue to distance himself until he breaks it off with her — or you. Sorry.
Dear Annie: I have a large extended family, with many aunts, uncles and cousins. We try to get together once or twice a year. My aunts and uncles usually attend these gatherings, but few of the cousins show up. I have first cousins I haven't seen in years, and we all live within 30 miles of each other.
The children of these cousins are now graduating from high school, getting married and having babies. My mailbox is overflowing with wedding and shower invitations and graduation announcements. I send gifts to those cousins whose families I am in contact with, but I resent receiving all these announcements from cousins I never see and who make no attempt to have a relationship with me. When I receive these invitations, I ignore them. I know other family members agree with me but still feel obligated to send gifts.
How do people have the nerve to send invitations to people they never see? Do I tell them how I feel or just continue to ignore their mail? — Related in Name Only
Dear Related: If you have no connection to these cousins, never see them and don't particularly care about them, there is no reason to attend their functions or send gifts — unless, of course, it is to reciprocate for gifts they have sent to you.
Dear Annie: You printed a letter from “Guilford, Conn.,” who discovered she had been taking her thyroid medication incorrectly, which was why she wasn't feeling any better. She was supposed to take it 30 minutes before breakfast. Her doctor had not given her this information.
I am an RN and have been taking thyroid replacement since 1962. In addition to the timing of the pill, you are supposed to take it with a full glass of water. You also should not take vitamin-mineral supplements within four hours of taking the thyroid medication.
“Guilford” is right. If you take the drug properly, it can make you function at a much higher level. Thank you for your column. You do a world of good. — J.G.
Dear J.G.: We appreciate the kind words and your expert suggestions. Anyone on medication should double-check with the pharmacist to find out precisely how to take it.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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15 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2: You make valid points, but I do wonder - are you actually interested in having close relationships with these people, and have you reached out to them? I'm having trouble getting to the core of your complaint: Are you frustrated because you perceive that your extended family doesn't take the trouble to stay in touch with you, or are you simply tired of being solicited, period? Is it the money, or are you simply frustrated because you believe your family makes a lot of nervy requests when they rarely see you?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:37 PM
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Related - you say that your relatives do not make any attempt to connect with you and yet your mailbox is overflowing with invitations. I think you are missing the point here. Weddings, showers, graduations and all that are ways of getting together with family. The gift you bring does not have to be big and expensive. The time and effort you put into getting together means something too.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Margaret
Fri Feb 12, 2010 4:55 AM
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Related: If from time to time you've extended invitations to these relatives to visit and they've not had sufficient interest to do so or to make the effort to maintain some kind of meaningful interaction, then send a card to acknowledge the event but don't feel oligated to send a gift. These occasions are milestones in one's life and occasions on which families reach out to be inclusive when they do not at other times, but a relationship is a 2-way street and more than just showing up once or twice a year is necessary to maintain a relationship; it takes effort on both sides of the equation. Have you made an effort to invite any of these folks to your home for an occasion other than a "family reunion" or extended the effort to visit them in their homes on an occasional basis? Did these relatives make any effort to have their children get to know you while they were growing up? Usually there's enough fault to share on both sides; if you're serious about wanting to maintain a relationship, get on your phone and start one. If you're not, don't be guilted into doing something you don't feel in your heart. Just send a thoughtfully selected card on each occasion. Bottom line: they will eventually stop sending you the announcements and invitations or they will begin contacting you to redevelop a closer relationship.
Comment: #3
Posted by: graham072442
Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:39 AM
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At Wit's End -- You say that your friend has a disability. Even if he doesn't like how his girlfriend is treating him and you, he might not feel confident that another woman would want him. Having a disability and being unable to drive can effect a person's self-esteem. If he chooses to stay with this girlfriend even if it means losing your friendship, it wouldn't necessarily mean that he doesn't value your friendship. Most people have a strong need for a mate, and if he thinks he has to "settle," he very well might do so.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Kaycee
Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:52 AM
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Sounds like related is a crank. No wonder they make no attempt at a relationship with you- if this is the reaction from you receiving mail, I can't imagine the horror that would play out if you received a phone call or relative at your doorsteop.
Graduation, wedding, and birth announcements are not always sent in solicitation of gifts; they may just want to let the family know what is going on. I swear I've seen advice in here telling people it's acceptable to send graduation announcements or whatever to distant relatives even if they cannot attend the event; even if the recipient has no interest in attending, sending a gift, or even a card to acknowledge the event, it's a way to keep cousins you may not normally see updated on life's milestones.
Since you ignore all communication from them, maybe sending announcements is as comfortable as they feel contacting you- you might even give the impression that *you* don't want any contact with *them* instead of vice versa. Stop being so hostile and reach out to them before it's too late. They are your family.
Comment: #5
Posted by: MC
Fri Feb 12, 2010 8:28 AM
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For related and the cousins. I see your point. You view the invites as bills to be paid. Look at it a different way. It is their way of reaching out, however, not your way. Why not take the high road and send a gift, go to the wedding, go to the Christening, and make an effort. While there, be very positive and have a smile on your face. The next holiday that rolls around like Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, invite the whole crowd over. You make the first effort, take the high road. If you are then ignored, try again, if ignored then look at yourself and think, am I saying rude things to these people, or is it their problem. If ignored after multiple attempts to reach out, then just send cards to these weddings, etc. But be sure to always send Christmas cards, and birthday cards no matter if they are acting out or not. Be sure you send cards to these events. That would be the best way. That way you know you are blameless.
Comment: #6
Posted by:
Fri Feb 12, 2010 8:55 AM
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For Related: I have about 25 cousins, and although I'm closer to some and don't keep in touch with the others, I've always sent every one of them invitations to special events in my life. My thinking is that some may be hurt if they hear others were invited but not them. For instance, there are two sisters a year apart in age, only one of whom I keep in contact with and have visited, but if I invited one to my wedding and not the other, plus another cousin who IS good friends with the one I don't talk to much, how is the left-out one going to feel? She might think I dislike her, which is not the case. I just have more in common with the others.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Joyce
Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:23 AM
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"At Wits' End" should leave "Tom" alone and stop bothering his girlfriend. I doubt his girlfriend is jealous without any reason. They may not have a physical relationship but they are obviously too close for girlfriends comfort. The fact that "At Wits' End" is so persistent to force "friendship" on someone shows that she is as controlling as the girlfriend is.
Comment: #8
Posted by: D.K.
Fri Feb 12, 2010 9:40 AM
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Tom's girlfriend may be very insecure OR maybe Tom talks non stop about this friend. Which would send up red flags to anyone. Since she knows Tom does not condone girlfriend's behavior, it means At Wit's End and Tom are talking about her when she's not around. Which would upset most women. LW2, maybe these relatives that are just SO annoying are sending invitations in an attempt to get to know her and be a family.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Cathy
Fri Feb 12, 2010 10:04 AM
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Re: Matt
I think she is miffed that people who are not interested in attending family gatherings where they can get to know her seem to be trolling for gifts - why should she pony up for people who don't have time for her unless they want gifts?
Comment: #10
Posted by: karen2205
Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:44 AM
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Re: Matt
I think she is miffed that people who are not interested in attending family gatherings where they can get to know her seem to be trolling for gifts - why should she pony up for people who don't have time for her unless they want gifts?
Comment: #11
Posted by: karen2205
Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:45 AM
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hello
Comment: #12
Posted by: Norman
Fri Feb 12, 2010 12:29 PM
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Re: happily married woman.....sorry, but a male will not do anything without some signs from a woman. Men become aggressive or act passive if they see a sign that they feel is a "stay buy me" and you will get somewhere. Oddly enough, I have been married for over 40 years and have watched my wife giddy and giggling over her dance partner and he over her. Finally he put his hand where it should not have gone and she let it stay there...who do you hit first him for making the move or her for letting it stay there...? It is the move that is noticed but not connected....what is she doing that keeps him coming?
Comment: #13
Posted by: Norman
Fri Feb 12, 2010 12:38 PM
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At Wit's End...maybe I'm old-fashioned...maybe I'm in the minority...but if something SEEMS like it might be inappropriate, why would you be surprised that someone would suspect it? I've been married for almost 17 years and I protect not only my relationship with my husband but also the outside perception of what our relationship is, for my husband's sake. I don't spend time alone with single men, ever. They are either friends of my husband and myself and spend time together, or I don't see them. I'm not saying that you're having an inappropriate relationship with "Tom" but I'm also not surprised at all that his girlfriend would be uncomfortable with it. If he and his girlfriend are planning on a long-term, committed relationship, I wouldn't be surprised if he removed anything that would potentially harm that.
Comment: #14
Posted by: j
Sat Feb 13, 2010 11:39 PM
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My husband and I were married in 1972. We saw his cousins, on his Mother's side, very infrequently....usually at funerals. Of course, from some of them, there was always the "we should get together some time" but of course that never happened. They live 3 hrs away from us and he was never close to them. Christmas, 2002, we received a Christmas card from his one cousin, "Jared" and his family,with a short note written inside, that "we should try to stay in contact and inviting us to come and visit them some time." I thought it some what odd that all of a sudden we should get a Christmas card from this cousin. Sure enough, in early May,we received a graduation announcement from this cousin for his oldest boy. We had never sent this cousin a graduation announcement for our oldest daughter who graduated in 1997. And we proceeded to get graduation announcements in 2004 and 2005 for the two remaining boys in this family. Christmas, 2005, we no longer received a Christmas card from this family and have never received one since nor any sort of contact. All they were interested in was receiving graduation gifts from us. We received thank you notes from the first two boys but not from the 3rd, which is only a further indication of their intention. The first two boys were required to write thank you notes, to keep in our good graces but after the 3rd boy received his present, there was no longer a need to stay on our good side. The only thing they probably didn't count on was that our daughter (youngest) graduated in 2004. They did send a present, about a month after her graduation date.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Dianne
Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:14 PM
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