Dear Annie: I've been married for 29 years to a man I adore. We have had our ups and downs, but have weathered the storms because we both believe we are meant to be together. But we have a problem I don't know how to solve.
“Joe” plays an online role-playing game that I have never been comfortable with. And he always gets involved with someone online, and it is always a woman. They can't advance in their game unless they work together.
Several years ago, Joe became emotionally attached to another woman and left me for a while. When he came back, I thought those things were behind us, but I keep discovering lies. I know he meets up with this woman online every day while I am at work. My kids can hear the sound of her voice. My son was so upset, he wanted to move out of the house.
This torments me so much that I can barely function at work. I love my job, but I cry in the bathroom, and people are starting to ask questions. I have finally realized that Joe is going to do this type of thing forever, and it breaks my heart. Joe treats me beautifully when we are together, but I don't want to share him with other women.
I have asked his family for help, but they say Joe has a right to his relaxation and it shouldn't bother me. I am planning to start counseling before I have a nervous breakdown. I don't want to lose this man, but I have to save myself. Don't you think these women should consider the time they are spending online with someone who is married? Is there any hope for me? — Crying Every Day
Dear Crying: Don't blame “these women” for Joe's behavior. The world of online gaming has plenty of men he could team up with, but he obviously makes the effort to find females. Joe's history indicates he becomes attached to his online friends, which is unhealthy for your marriage.
If he cannot see (or doesn't care about) the damage he is causing, things don't look good. We are glad you will be getting counseling. It will help.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have five children together, and he has an older child from a previous relationship.
My question is about the firstborn of our five children. Our son passed away at the age of 9 months, but we still consider him part of our lives in so many ways. When asked how many children we have, what is the proper response? We don't want to leave out our firstborn, but we also don't want to give the wrong impression. — Elkhart, Ind.
Dear Elkhart: The answer is up to you and depends on how much personal information you wish to divulge. If you prefer, it is OK to say you have six children. You are not obligated to give anyone the details. However, if you are willing to talk about your firstborn to those who ask this question, it might be comforting for you to say you have six children, but one died as an infant.
Dear Annie: I'd like to respond to “At a Loss,” the 16-year-old who wets the bed.
I wet the bed until I was 17. So did my sister, my grandson and my nephew. Somewhere down the line, we inherited this from a relative. For me, it was my father.
The good news? We all outgrew it by the time we were in our 20s. I recommend she get some adult diapers from a medical supply store and just put them in the trash in the morning. They worked wonderfully for my grandson. I wish her luck and hope it's almost over with. — Mem
Dear Mem: A certain percentage of bed-wetters outgrow it eventually. We're glad that worked for you.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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12 Comments | Post Comment
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For 'Crying every day'...to borrow an expression from another well known columnist...DTMFA. You can do better than this jerk. Do it for your own peace of mind!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Thu Feb 11, 2010 4:10 AM
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LW1: "Joe" is having an emotional affair, and it's obviously continuing even though he's physically back together with you. The fact that he feels it necessary to lie about his liaisons is a huge clue. His family are probably under the (all-too-common) impression that whatever happens in the virtual world "doesn't count". Nothing could be further from the truth. Counseling will help you figure out where you need to go now. Also, do a search for "WoW Widows" and "Gaming Widows" on Yahoo Groups - you'll find you're not alone!
Comment: #2
Posted by: TimTam
Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:43 AM
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To anyone over 6 years old who wets the bed: get the book _Waking up Dry: How to End Bedwetting Forever_ by Martin Scharf. Dr. Scharf started educating himself when a young woman came to him, pleading for him to help her stop wetting the bed before her honeymoon. The book is what helped me help my three sons stop wetting the bed by the time they were 7 years old. Some of my husband's relatives still wet the bed into adulthood, so I suspect that at least one of my sons would have, had I not found this book. I have recommended it to other people and it has also helped their children, when nothing else had. It is a very readable, compassionate book that explains why bedwetting happens and exactly how to stop it. The methods are easy to use, private, and they work. Plus, the only cost is the book and an alarm which is under $50. There are organizations that charge hundreds of dollars or more to do the same thing, and having outside people come in makes the child or young adult feel like there's something wrong with them.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Kaycee
Thu Feb 11, 2010 7:19 AM
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I think LW1 needs to find out what the online women are doing for her husband MENTALLY that she isn't.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat Riley
Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:39 AM
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Way to go Pat Riley, blame the victim of the cheater. If people are unhappy in a relationship or need more, they get out before starting another relationship unless you have the mentality of a Jerry Springer contestant.
Comment: #5
Posted by: ana
Thu Feb 11, 2010 8:58 AM
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I realize it would be no consolation to LW1: But I wonder if either she or her husband realize that most female characters in online MMOs are played by men. I am a gamer myself, as is my husband. Developers of these games are generally men, which is probably why the female characters end up looking better than the male characters. One acronym we have is G.I.R.L (Guy in real life). Most of my husbands characters are female. If LW1s husband is really getting emotionally involved with these ladies he meets in the game, then he does need some counseling because apparently he prefers his fantasy to real life. But if he's just advancing with his 'female' friends, chances are there is an 18-25 year old guy behind the keys.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Datura
Thu Feb 11, 2010 9:03 AM
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Dear Annie: I just read (2/11/10) a question from a mother saying that she really did not know how to respond to people asking her how many children she had because she has five and one has passed away. I, too, wondered that when my son passed away. So this is what I say: I have three sons on earth and one in heaven.
Paulette Gainor, Ventura, California.
Comment: #7
Posted by: paulette gaino
Thu Feb 11, 2010 10:00 AM
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To Pat Riley: It probably has very little to do with what his wife is or isn't doing. It has more to do with the fact that fantasy is so much easier than reality.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Datura
Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:01 AM
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Re: Datura - your post just made me laugh. I never thought of that. Too funny.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Rick
Thu Feb 11, 2010 1:31 PM
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Re: Datura. The LW clearly stated that female voices are audible over the computer speakers, so obviously the online gaming companions really are women, not guys masquerading as such. "Joe" is probably using Ventrilio or a similar voice-conferencing application designed to facilitate group-questing in the MMO's. (I know the lingo because I was heavily into MMORPG's myself for awhile.) Most likely he is playing World of Warcraft, like I was. When I was into the game, I became close friends with a young woman who was having marital problems with her husband. She started confiding in me and telling me all sorts of things about how rotten he was, and to my discredit I did nothing to discourage it. Eventually she left him and ran off (in real life) with someone else she had met in-game, some other guy whose shoulder she'd also been crying on like she was mine. Actually quit her job, gave up her home, and moved to another state to be with Husband No 2! So contrary to what's been said here, it is not just the men who get involved in MMO's or have emotional affairs. All that said, I think Joe needs to give up the online gaming entirely if he wants to save his marriage. I'm surprised his wife hasn't already left him, or thrown him out as the case may be. Most wives would have simply put their foot down, not spend their days crying over it at work.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Matt
Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:26 PM
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Dear Annie
In response to Crying, who's husband is an online gamer and gets involved with other women: I'm a woman who games and I see this frequently. As a woman I find I'm in the minority and frequently get men coming onto me, especially once they learn I'm single. For many of them it doesn't seem to matter if they are married or involve as to weather or not they hit on any female they come across. More than that, her husband has an addiction to the online gaming environment.
I know whereof I speak. Never let anyone say that online gaming isn't addictive, it IS. It can take over your life, your relationships and completely destroy you if you allow it. If he is unwilling to recognize that his addiction and his behavior is destroying their marriage, there is little she can do. To Crying, I say, get counseling and then get out. He's had his opportunity and he isn't going to change. I wish you all the best, and hope from the bottom of my heart that you discover what a wonderful person YOU are, who he is allowing to slip away.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Amy
Sat Feb 13, 2010 12:15 PM
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Dear Annie,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years now, it's been great! When we got together he knew I had two boys, now 16 & 18 and I had asked him if he was going to accept them when we got married. He said yes. My husband and I grew up so differently then that of my two boys. We had strict parents and strict rules. My two boys have had a different lifestyle, their father and I were separated, there was no strict rules except the general, call, let us know where you are", etc. My boys are good kids, no drugs, alcohol, not in & out of jail. However, one is graduating high school this year, has no job and because of my husband is now living between his girlfriend's house and his fathers. My 16 year old lives with us. He hasn't done well in public school and so this past year, I have enrolled him in online schooling, which he is bored with and not doing well either. My husband wants him to get a job and pay rent or move out to his fathers.He also talks poorly to me about my boys. I love my boys and feel bad about this situation. I've talked with my son several times and my husband doesn't say too much to him because they are not his children. My husband and I get along great, we have some disagreements but very seldom raise our voices. We laugh, and have fun. But this problem/issue with my boys is really tearing me up and I feel like I should end my marriage and finish raising my boys without hassle, then I'm thinking, I have a commitment to my marriage and we will be together until ? I don't know what to do. Can you help? Lost in Nevada
Comment: #12
Posted by: Teresa
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:36 AM
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