Recently
Hands Are Tied when a Messed-Up Child Is a Legal Adult
Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more.
Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries
Dear Annie: I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. My in-laws favor the older girl. They buy her more presents, give her more money and pay way more attention to her than to her sister. They almost seem obsessed with her. As soon as she walks in the …Read more.
Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more.
Equal Parts Heart Over Equal Parts Money
Dear Annie: My husband and I work comparable hours, but I earn less than half of what he does and have little discretionary income. I come home to my "second shift," which includes cooking, cleaning and picking up after this man, who …Read more.
more articles
|
Annie's Mailbox®, February 10
Dear Annie: I am the only boy in my family. I have one older and two younger sisters. One of my sisters has a daughter (my niece), whom I will call “Demon Spawn” to protect the innocent.
Demon Spawn has always lived up to her name. When she was very young, she would torment my two sons until they became so fed up that they would defend themselves, which always got them into trouble, much to her delight. She would verbally torment and abuse my wife at family gatherings after I left the room. I once stayed near the doorway and heard it all. I exploded in anger, but she was forgiven, as always, because she had a “rough life growing up.” That's a lot of baloney.
She once had my mother co-sign for furniture that mom ended up paying for, not to mention the time she stole money and a credit card from my mother's purse.
Eventually, Demon Spawn had two kids, but she never married. She went on welfare, gave up her kids, got into meth and ended up in prison. Just before she was released, I told my mother that I refuse to be in the same house with her, especially with my two young grandchildren present.
Well, Demon Spawn managed to convince my mother to let her back into the family, claiming she's changed. I don't believe it for one minute. My wife and I and my son and grandkids didn't attend our family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner because she was present. It appears that my mother, knowing how I feel, has picked Demon Spawn over her only son. This girl is pure evil, and I want no part of her. How do I get my mother to see the light? — Hurt
Dear Hurt: When you issue ultimatums, you must be willing to accept the consequences. Mom undoubtedly believes you will be OK without her because you have a family support structure of your own. Your niece, however, has no one to help her. She may be a total mess, but your mother still cares about her. We hope Ms. Spawn actually has changed, but if not, please don't make your mother more miserable than she's going to be.
Dear Annie: When you spend your vacation staying with friends at their home, what is the proper etiquette regarding taking them out for dinner, buying groceries, paying admission to area attractions, etc.?
When friends or family stay with us, we try to have food on hand that they like, and we often treat them to restaurant meals and tickets and admission fees. After all, they spent a good amount of money traveling to see us.
We love our guests, enjoy their visits and want them to have a good time, but it can get expensive. What are the guidelines? — Happy Host With a Sad Pocketbook
Dear Host: You should provide your guests with meals at home, or supply food to which they can help themselves. Considerate guests who stay for a weekend or longer should treat their hosts to at least one meal (or groceries or some form of entertainment). You are not obligated to buy tickets or admission fees. Nor do you need to rearrange your schedule and drive them around unless you want to. Guests should enjoy visiting with you, and you should not go broke having them.
Dear Annie: You've mentioned how important it is for people to have a current will. A friend of mine recently passed away. He was a smart guy and had all of his affairs in order. But his computer had a password, as did his e-mail, business contacts, financial records and social networking sites. There were quite a few people his family couldn't contact because they didn't know the password.
In addition to the will and arrangements, please tell your readers to leave a record of their electronic information with a family member or an attorney. — Concerned in Canada
Dear Canada: Excellent and timely information. Thank you.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
|
 |
Comments
|
19 Comments | Post Comment
|
|
LW1 - I am sorry that this happened to you, but why do you think that being the only son gives you any privilege? You may be your mother's only male child, but you are not her only child. She did not choose this troubled young woman over "her only son." She chose her over one of her several grown children. For once, I agree with Annies.____
LW3 - Again, sorry, but the heirs don't need passwords to financial records in order to deal with inheritance, especially if the man had his affairs in order, and any people the deceased only contacted through e-mail or on social networking sites do not necessarily need to be informed of his passing - they were not close enough for the family to know them, apparently.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ariana
Tue Feb 9, 2010 9:16 PM
|
|
|
|
I am a person who has a lot of online friends that my real world family do not know. However, I have left a list of my accounts and passwords as part of my ICE (in case of emergancy) list. One of the saddest parts of an online life is the fact that friends can disappear with no explanation leaving you with no idea what has become of them.
Joy
Comment: #2
Posted by: Ruth
Tue Feb 9, 2010 9:47 PM
|
|
|
|
LW1 (Hurt) -- Just the fact that you could call anyone "Demon spawn" was an alert to me that your letter was going to be one sided. This young woman, your niece, needs to be dealt with with firmness, but not hate. She clearly is in need of love and acceptance.
Commenter 1 (Ariana). Just because they were not "close enough for the family to know them" doesn't mean they weren't close or didn't care about him. I'm with Ruth. I want to know what has happened to my online friends -- some of whom live on the other side of the world. I may never meet them face to face. But I do care about them. My family needs to go on line and tell my social network friends of my passing. And I hope their families will do the same.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Connie Tyler
Tue Feb 9, 2010 10:31 PM
|
|
|
|
I dunno, I think it's entirely possible that someone could deserve the name "Demon Spawn." (I think it's kinda clever, actually.) Based on the guy's description of this woman, she sounds like a horrid person - dishonest, mean, cruel, manipulative, a bad mother, and prone to substance abuse. People like this don't change their behavior patterns, at least not without radical therapy and strong internal motivation. Why should "Demon Spawn" change her ways when she can lie, cheat, and steal...and yet her family still takes her back time and again? Oh yeah, she's a changed and reformed woman, right? Uh huh, and I'm da frickin' Pope. More likely, the mother in this story is elderly, wants to believe "Demon Spawn" really is reformed, and so chooses to believe precisely that. She's got to be getting pretty old by now and may not even have all her marbles. Yeah, blood is thicker than water, but the Annies also frequently advise anyone with "crazy" family members (who drive him/her nuts) to stay the hell away for their own mental health. The LW can either stay away from family gatherings where "Demon Spawn" will be present, or he can go and then leave the moment anyone subjects his family to verbal or other abuse. What I can't figure out is why nobody else in the family is apparently willing to call her on that behavior.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Matt
Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:24 AM
|
|
|
|
I dunno, I think it's entirely possible that someone could deserve the name "Demon Spawn." (I think it's kinda clever, actually.) Based on the guy's description of this woman, she sounds like a horrid person - dishonest, mean, cruel, manipulative, a bad mother, and prone to substance abuse. People like this don't change their behavior patterns, at least not without radical therapy and strong internal motivation. Why should "Demon Spawn" change her ways when she can lie, cheat, and steal...and yet her family still takes her back time and again? Oh yeah, she's a changed and reformed woman, right? Uh huh, and I'm da frickin' Pope. More likely, the mother in this story is elderly, wants to believe "Demon Spawn" really is reformed, and so chooses to believe precisely that. She's got to be getting pretty old by now and may not even have all her marbles. Yeah, blood is thicker than water, but the Annies also frequently advise anyone with "crazy" family members (who drive him/her nuts) to stay the hell away for their own mental health. The LW can either stay away from family gatherings where "Demon Spawn" will be present, or he can go and then leave the moment anyone subjects his family to verbal or other abuse. What I can't figure out is why nobody else in the family is apparently willing to call her on that behavior.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Matt
Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:24 AM
|
|
|
|
I dunno, I think it's entirely possible that someone could deserve the name "Demon Spawn." (I think it's kinda clever, actually.) Based on the guy's description of this woman, she sounds like a horrid person - dishonest, mean, cruel, manipulative, a bad mother, and prone to substance abuse. People like this don't change their behavior patterns, at least not without radical therapy and strong internal motivation. Why should "Demon Spawn" change her ways when she can lie, cheat, and steal...and yet her family still takes her back time and again? Oh yeah, she's a changed and reformed woman, right? Uh huh, and I'm da frickin' Pope. More likely, the mother in this story is elderly, wants to believe "Demon Spawn" really is reformed, and so chooses to believe precisely that. She's got to be getting pretty old by now and may not even have all her marbles. Yeah, blood is thicker than water, but the Annies also frequently advise anyone with "crazy" family members (who drive him/her nuts) to stay the hell away for their own mental health. The LW can either stay away from family gatherings where "Demon Spawn" will be present, or he can go and then leave the moment anyone subjects his family to verbal or other abuse. What I can't figure out is why nobody else in the family is apparently willing to call her on that behavior.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Matt
Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:28 AM
|
|
|
|
Connie and Ruth: Point taken. I guess I am overgeneralizing here. My family know how to contact my friends with whom I keep in touch mostly electronically (some of them are thousands of miles away). Since these are mostly friends I first knew in person, my family won't need access to my computer for their addresses. My husband may not know how to contact Friend A, but he will know how to contact Friend B, who will know how to contact Friend A and even Friend C, about whom my husband may have forgotten. I would hate it if DG had to go on my Facebook page to announce, "Ariana has passed away." I would think it soulless. But I guess I was projecting my understanding of online friends onto other people's understanding, and that was wrong of me. I apologize.____ Matt, I agree with your post in general. Still, I think LW1 is a pill. To me, it's not so much the Demon Spawn (funny, although very unkind), but the "only son" line that makes him so unsympathetic.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Ariana
Wed Feb 10, 2010 2:36 AM
|
|
|
|
It's not just online friends. Many times, bills are sent to email, notices go out via email, account access is set up primarily online, etc. When my Dad died, I had a terrible time dealing with some of his bills because I didn't have his passwords. Even someone who has his affairs "in order" may have forgotten something - the Netflix account, the automatic withdrawal, the online subscription. When you call places and tell them that someone has died, they usually require a copy of the death certificate. For security reasons, companies are much more reluctant to "take your word for it" when you tell them someone has died and they require a lot more verification, but that can take weeks or even months. If you have access to the person's passwords, it's much easier to go into their account and stop an automatic payment or cancel a subscription directly.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Karen
Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:17 AM
|
|
|
|
Demon Spawn probably has not changed - also where are her parents? I would be more concerned with the possibility that she is taking advantage of the grandmother. The grandmother may be giving demon spawn access to her finances, etc. The family should most definitely "make-up" if only to protect the grandmother and be certain that everything is ok.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Sonnie
Wed Feb 10, 2010 6:23 AM
|
|
|
|
Demon Spawns thrive in a family where no one will call them on their bad behavior and once they figure that out, and Demon Spawn did young, they play it for all its worth. Likely Grandma doesn't want to admit evil is in her family and turns a blind eye to it, as do the others. It's easier. After all, calling her on it would mean admitting the truth and no one has done that all along. And then doing something about it. Normally the scapegoat gets blamed for standing up, as only son did. There's a Japanese proverb: The nail that sticks up gets hammered down.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Char
Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:54 AM
|
|
|
|
My sympathies to the first letter writer. The Annies didn't believe him, but most likely he's used to that. That's what happens in families too.
I've got a "Demon Spawn" for a younger brother. He's three years younger than me, and since he's the youngest my parents will defend to the death his right to keep abusing people. They line him up for second chance after second chance by insisting people welcome him into their homes in order to interact with either of them. Participation in family gatherings is conditional on treating Demon Spawn with courtesy and respect. Of course, there's not much to respect. He's tortured a number of animals to death, he's got a criminal record, and he also has a history of violent, stalking behavior. He chooses the kind of jobs where he can attack people and hurt them with impunity. He can't keep any of these jobs. Every time the schools, the SPCA, his landlord, his employers, or the police have called him on his bad behavior my parents instantly stepped up to defend his conduct and to pay his legal bills. He's always been protected from any negative consequence for bad behavior, especially within the family. Although he treats his aunts and uncles with neglect and contempt, he keeps getting invited to all the family functions because he's Just So Depressed or Just So Addicted, and in order to get my parents to go anywhere it's necessary to invite him too.
One of the reasons I choose to live in a different country is because I don't enjoy this dynamic. He's got a history of stalking and attacking people he dislikes, he's come after me before, and although distance and an international border won't stop him once he's good and ready, they will slow him down enough to give me warning. I've been basically kicked out of the family because every time I attend a family gathering, my brother takes it as "proof" he's free to resume the stalking. I don't enjoy receiving death threats. Since I now live very far away, it's hard to keep up a relationship with the extended family. No number of graduation presents, letters, or phone calls can create the kind of bond or loving relationship that Demon Spawn is entitled to have just for being there and for taking as much as anybody is willing to give him, without giving anything in exchange.
There is a solution. Growing up, I did find a way to keep from being stabbed, burned, hit, or otherwise abused. The way to do this is to apply enough physical force to make him stop. I did that once or twice, and it was worth every bit of the punishment I got for it: because he learned not to pull my hair or touch private parts of my body. He hasn't done it since. Since I knew he was going to grow a lot bigger and heavier than me, I had to get years of martial arts training in order to have the skills to take the knives or frying pans away when he came after me with them. He was always clever enough to do this when there weren't other people around. That way, he could pass everything off as a "he said, she said" situation, and explain the cuts or bruises as an "accident" or something I did to myself to get him in trouble. I'd be punished severely if I left a mark on him, so I learned how to make him stop attacking without leaving a mark.
Nobody ever believes stories like ours until the "Demon Spawn" comes after one of them, at which point they blame *us* for not warning them.
Luckily, the "Demon Spawn" eventually gets arrogant and careless. My brother was dumb enough to put his latest death threat in writing and E-mail it to my place of work. For the first time in twenty years, my parents actually believed me. It's unrealistic of me to expect them to change their policy or their defense of him, of course. He's in a weak position and needs their assistance, whereas I've had to grow strong enough to survive and get by without family so I'll do OK on my own.
Comment: #11
Posted by: R.A.
Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:04 AM
|
|
|
|
Well, of course, LW1's letter was going to be one-sided. All the letters all the comments are one-sided, because we are all sharing our own perception of the situation. There are born evil people in the world. They're called sociopaths. Some are better concealed than others because they have to be. This woman hasn't had to be careful. She's gotten away with her vileness. It is good advice never to give someone an ultimatum unless you are completely willing to accept the consequences. LW1 might be better off backing down from that and watching over his mother carefully, not pushing buttons, but being around enough to see how things are. If his mother is being hurt, then he can get elder protection or the law involved. I think the point of his being the "only son" might be that he feels like the odd man out, especially since his sisters are not backing him up. I think Char had it right on the money (and I love the quote.)
Comment: #12
Posted by: julia
Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:07 AM
|
|
|
|
As a general rule people don't change. DS is most certainly in that catagory. She might get her addictions under control, real iffy there, but her cruelty and lack of empathy are life long mental health issues. I agree with 'Only Son', some people are bad from an early age. Tell the family the truth, I'm not coming because I don't like or approve of DS. Whose feelings are you going to hurt? DS's? Yea right, she doesn't care and if her parents are outraged - oh well. Unless they are deaf and blind they know what she is like and allowed her to continue that behavior. They are not guilt free. You might want to look into getting power of attorney for your mom or at least announce to the family that you will be keeping a close watch on her monetary affairs. I am always amazed at what people accept from family members to avoid hurting feelings.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Penny
Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:17 AM
|
|
|
|
re: electronic information and managing upon death, check out The Digital Beyond (http://www.thedigitalbeyond.com/online-services-list/). It offers a list of services that individuals can sign up for to manage their digital identities and provide instructions and account access to those who you designate as executors or beneficiaries. Some of the services allow you to create your own obituary and email/video messages to share after you pass. I don't even have a physical addressbook anymore, and my friends are scattered across the globe. There's just no way my family would be able to contact them without access to my computer and social networking sites. This issue has definitely become a big problem as more and more of us live our lives online, including medical info, banking, subscription services, and social networking. It's good to see that it is finally getting more of the attention that it truly needs.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Jessica
Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:24 AM
|
|
|
|
There needs to be a quick way to see if the responses have posted to avoid all of the duplication.
I wrote a few minutes ago and do not see it on this thread. Not going to repost. I think this is something that needs to be addressed as I see it happening all of the time. Many forums post and then return you to the same thread so that you can see your message has posted.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Penny
Wed Feb 10, 2010 8:39 AM
|
|
|
|
Let's try to be helpful. Demon Spawn could have changed...maybe or maybe not. My advice and this comes from experience is to GET INTO THERAPY OF SOME KIND. If it's ALNON FOR FAMILIES or AA or what ever is your choice go as a family. Tell your mother that you want to be able to be a family but you need help dealing with the past and see if you can convince her to go with you. The advantage to this is that you will both learn the signs of relapse and how to deal with any feelings of responsiblity. "Tough Love" is hard and hearing it from a professional may be the best thing for all parties. Your mother may learn that enabling her behavior is only hurting DS, not helping and you may learn to understand addiction and be a little forgiving if infact DS is trying to start new.
It took my daughter 3 rehabs and much hurt and forgiveness but now she is the proud and good mother of a beautiful three yr old. She has to work at it and everything isn't perfect but what is? I hope it works out for you becasue it's much easier to life with forgiveness than hate and resentment.
Been there....
Comment: #16
Posted by: Melodee
Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:45 AM
|
|
|
|
The first letter here is so out of line - why on earth would this person - who is a grandfather for goodness sake - need to point out TWICE that he's the "only son" - does that make him more important than any of his sisters because there were 3 of them? Did mommy tell him he was special and he's crying now because he's not the center of attention? He's got to be about 50!!
I'd wager anyone who give up a few kids, gets into drugs and lands in jail has some challenges going - whether a rough childhood because of externals - or maybe internals, ADD, Bipolar, etc. Something was wrong.
And "exploding in anger" at a kid for being out of line - there are ways to handle thing you know.
Also - it doesn't appear that the niece had an active father? Gee - did the "only uncle" step up to try and help a troubled kid?
File my under completely disgusted with this perpetually victimized drama kind of a grandfather!
Comment: #17
Posted by: Misty
Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:05 AM
|
|
|
|
RA - just because your parent may have had some favoritism doesn't hold any comparison here. the LW is this girls uncle - supposedly an adult force in her life that should have helped guide her but "explodes in anger" when he sees her acting out. Way to teach by example! And twice tells us he is his mother's "only son" as if that is important ammo against this grand-daughter - I mean common - the woman already had 3 girls of her own......
I repeat - why did this apparently only adult male in this young woman's life do NOTHING to help her when she was so obviously troubled????
Comment: #18
Posted by: Misty
Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:13 AM
|
|
|
|
Re: Melodee--You are right about evil people. I'm sick of people using terms like ADD to excuse or provide a reason for terrible behavior. My entire career was working with children and teens with a variety mental, emotional, physical, and educational handicaps and those problems didn't lead into abuse of anybody or anything. They may have had extreme problems and been difficult to work with at times but none of them grew up to be like Demon Child. I was a classroom teacher and you definitely see kids in all sorts of social situations when you teach, so they weren't covering up anything, either.
Comment: #19
Posted by: BB
Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:49 PM
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
