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Annie's Mailbox®, February 6
Dear Annie: My blood is still boiling from the letter from “Sex Therapist,” who said men look at porn because women don't take care of their sexual needs. What a bunch of horse manure.
I work full time. After work, I pick up and shuttle children to and from activities, run other errands, grocery shop, etc. When I get home, I clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, wash dishes, help the children with homework, make sure they do their chores, bathe them and tuck them in, take care of the pets, pay the bills, tidy the house and get ready to do it all again the next day. All the while, my husband sits reading the paper with a beer in his hand.
When he gropes me, reeking of alcohol, this “therapist” has the nerve to say I should provide him with sex four times a week because it's only 1 percent of my time. Please. Does this “therapist” know what it takes for a busy stressed-out mom to get in the mood? Maybe if the husbands got off their behinds more often, wives wouldn't feel so overwhelmed with chores and might actually have time for a little fun. — Southwest Kansas
Dear Kansas: You weren't the only infuriated reader. Take a look at our mail:
From Texas: I was married to a man who habitually viewed porn to the extent that he routinely turned down my sexual advances. Porn can be a serious addiction that destroys relationships. “Sex Therapist” needs to do more research.
Illinois: I'm amazed this man has the nerve to call himself a relationship coach when he has no idea how a healthy relationship works. If a couple disagrees about the frequency of their lovemaking, they need to work on it together, not assume one person gives up or gives in. I think men watch porn because it's easier than having sex with a real, live woman.
Kentucky: Porn is immature male fantasy about the opposite sex. I was married to a man who denied ME sex, although I was young, beautiful, lustful and wanted to be with him. He preferred blow-up dolls and porn flicks.
California: My husband of 38 years would really enjoy shoving that letter in my face. I would have been happy to have more sex if he could have met me halfway by giving me the affection I needed. I was there for him when he went through two years of serious medical problems, and now he wants a divorce because he feels he never got enough sex. I was willing to work on it, but it takes two. Do I sound bitter? You bet.
East Coast: This sex therapist needs to examine his male-centered, woman-blaming bias. Men look at porn and masturbate for many reasons, such as not having a partner, not knowing how to satisfy their partner, having a stronger sex drive than their partner, being away from a partner, indulging in adolescent or adult curiosity, etc. Some men find it difficult to be intimate and turn to self-pleasuring instead. Those reasons have nothing to do with women's lack of responsiveness. A therapist needs to have a balanced approach that encourages both partners to look at what each is contributing to the problem and, even more important, how each can improve the relationship.
Dear Annie: Both men and women can fall victim to low libido, arousal disorders, orgasm problems and/or pain with intercourse. All of these factors may contribute to why a sexual problem exists in a partnership, in addition to overall relationship problems, lack of communication, history of trauma, onset of a medical problem or illness, affairs, etc. Rather than scolding and resenting one person for denying sex, or requiring a certain number of times per week, it may be more productive to understand the reasons behind the problem, explore alternatives to sex and learn the limitless possibilities of intimacy in general. — Lindsay Novak, MA, LIMHP, CPC, CST; Director of Sexual Medicine & Wellness Center at Physician's Clinic Women's Center, Omaha, Neb.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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23 Comments | Post Comment
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I agree with LW1, but it sounds like her husband has no incentive to do anything other than sit. She's doing it all and enabling him to be that way. When I was first married, I found out that I could get anything I wanted by threatening to quit my job. She should tell her husband that since he wants a housewife, he's going to get one and now he can support the family completely. He may decide he needs to do more pretty quickly. I'd make sure the kids and myself were fed, but he would be on his own, and I'd hire somebody to come in and clean rather than spend time "tidying the house."
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Feb 5, 2010 10:48 PM
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I agree with LW1, but it sounds like her husband has no incentive to do anything other than sit. She's doing it all and enabling him to be that way. When I was first married, I found out that I could get anything I wanted by threatening to quit my job. She should tell her husband that since he wants a housewife, he's going to get one and now he can support the family completely. He may decide he needs to do more pretty quickly. I'd make sure the kids and myself were fed, but he would be on his own, and I'd hire somebody to come in and clean rather than spend time "tidying the house."
Comment: #2
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Feb 5, 2010 10:48 PM
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there is this guy that i met and we became buddy..than one day he told me he was moving back home but we would still keep in touch and we did.i even took a trip to see him..we would talk all the time on the computer for hours ...than we got the unlimited texting on our phones...and started texting each other..at least 1500 a month..my problem is that out of the blue he decided that it was over between us and that our friendship meant nothing...i never did anything but be a good friend to him.i even got him the cell phone on my plan.which i am still trying to get back.just so you know i will do anything to win him back...i miss him...i just cant understand why he is being this way..any advice you can give me will be helpful
Comment: #3
Posted by: rose
Sat Feb 6, 2010 4:42 AM
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Re: information from "Sex Therapist"......
I am 67 years old. I have never in MY lifetime heard anyone say anything about men taking care of a
woman's needs. You will NEVER hear that. A man's mind is wrapped around only TWO things,
he wants a woman, either in the kitchen or on her back. Remember the remark "its a man's world."
Marriage is only a thing in their minds - to satisfy THEIR every need. A wife simply picks up where the mother left off, but with one added duty. I think we as women cause this in the male population. When they are small, they
are mom/dad's little man. From then on, anything, everything they do is fantastic.
I have only known ONE man in my life that could make the ideal husband, and he was raised by his grandmother.
Funny thing though, he has never married. He said by simply watching his family and friends, he decided life was
better off alone. He cooks, cleans, travels, does it all. This man could probably make a fortune just teaching
other men. He is one of the happiest and most successful men I have met and is in his forties. Smart for his
age.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Phyllis chittum
Sat Feb 6, 2010 5:02 AM
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The only ones we have heard from so far regarding the "Sex Therapist" are from the "perfect" women. Okay so maybe you are married to the beer drinking, lazy, good for nohting husband. Try this on.. What about the hardworking, cooks dinner 4 to 5 days a week, Mr. fix everything with a list so long from his wife he'll never catch up, husband. Oh and by the way, works an average of 88 hrs a week. Comes home tries to work out 6 days a week for about and hr before she gets home so he can have dinner ready. Helps coach softball (his nieces team) and helps with the dishes and many other chores around the house. Oh and lets not forget the yard work that is his job almost exclusivley. Feeds the dogs every morning at 4:45 a.m.(before he leaves for work at 5:30a.m.) and yes believe or not tries to show his wife affection. After all this he's still is lucky to get the sex he asks for once or twice every couple of weeks.
By know means am I perfect and have plenty of faults like all humans, but lets not put this only on the men. Men have needs and desires just like women. Fact is men are men and "sex" is important. This will never change. Just try to give some of us good guys a little break.
Comment: #5
Posted by: G
Sat Feb 6, 2010 6:09 AM
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The only ones we have heard from so far regarding the "Sex Therapist" are from the "perfect" women. Okay so maybe you are married to the beer drinking, lazy, good for nohting husband. Try this on.. What about the hardworking, cooks dinner 4 to 5 days a week, Mr. fix everything with a list so long from his wife he'll never catch up, husband. Oh and by the way, works an average of 88 hrs a week. Comes home tries to work out 6 days a week for about and hr before she gets home so he can have dinner ready. Helps coach softball (his nieces team) and helps with the dishes and many other chores around the house. Oh and lets not forget the yard work that is his job almost exclusivley. Feeds the dogs every morning at 4:45 a.m.(before he leaves for work at 5:30a.m.) and yes believe or not tries to show his wife affection. After all this he's still is lucky to get the sex he asks for once or twice every couple of weeks.
By know means am I perfect and have plenty of faults like all humans, but lets not put this only on the men. Men have needs and desires just like women. Fact is men are men and "sex" is important. This will never change. Just try to give some of us good guys a little break.
Comment: #6
Posted by: G
Sat Feb 6, 2010 6:14 AM
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It's the people whose relationships are seriously out of balance who seem to have the most to say on this subject - the wife who does everything while he sits around, or the husband who does everything for his prima donna wife. Both are enabling the lazy spouse to continue to be lazy - and adding to their own stockpile of resentment which translates into "not in the mood." They need to step back and stop being the one who does it all. "Then it won't get done!" they'll say. Okay, so it doesn't get done. You've got to be the one to change the balance because your spouse sure isn't going to take the initiative.
Rose? You want advice on the forum? I doubt if the Annies even read this, but I'll give you some. You sound like you're 14, but you must be older if you travelled to see this guy. Listen: you're not going to "get him back" because you never had him. You were extremely foolish to put him on a cell phone plan that you're now paying for and now you know why. HE'S NOT INTO YOU! and hounding him is just going to make it worse. Cut off the cell phone, pay the bill and pray that you never see him again and that you're a little smarter next time.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Feb 6, 2010 7:49 AM
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Well, now look here. LW #1 and Comment #8 represent the two opposite poles of this issue. The solution to those two situations is easy - though the other partner probably won't see it. But 99.9% of us lie somewhere in the middle of those two situations. And that's really the point here. There is no simple, one size fits all solution to sexual issues, nor to marriage issues in general. The so-called "therapist" needs a good swift kick and a wake-up call. Unless each partner is willing to work with the other toward a solution, no issues will be improved.
Posted by Jonathan
Comment: #8
Posted by: Jonathan Roth
Sat Feb 6, 2010 7:59 AM
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I have a friend who works 12 hr night shifts as an lpn . Her husband does not lift a finger to help around the house. One night when he was feeling "frisky" she finally turned around and looked at him and said," You want sex the best foreplay is you using the vacume cleaner!"
Comment: #9
Posted by: Jan
Sat Feb 6, 2010 8:30 AM
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I have searched your past columns and I didn't see what I was looking for, so:
I have a niece that calls me from her cell phone, a lot. Don't get me wrong, I love this kid and like hearing from her. She calls at least three to four times a week. I'm a housewife and I'm usually home or close to one of our phones. But I'm getting to the point that I dread talking to her and I only answer the phone half of the time. Thanks to caller id on cell phones and land lines, I know who's calling. I feel like I'm at her beck and call. It would be fine if she calls me and actually has a reason to call. Most of the time it's to vent about something that has happened in the last couple hours but most of the time it's because she's bored. I know that because she tells me. Needless to say, I cut off the call when she starts hem hawing around. I also get tired of hearing her complain all the time.
She always calls me when she's in the car. I've told her she needs to keep her mind on her driving. Then she replies that's it's ok because she has a blue tooth device. I don't so I have to hold one of those stupid things up to my ear all the time. This makes it impossible to get anything done. She calls when she's going to work (which is 5 blocks away from her home), going to or from school, on her way to the grocery store, waiting for someone to meet her at her car and many other times. Constantly. I've told her when it's the best time to call more than once and she still doesn't reduce the time or the frequency that she calls. Sometimes she even calls when someone's in the car with her. She's even asked me to hold on so she can talk to someone else. That's when I try to get her off the phone. I've mentioned more than once that she's being rude to that person that's with her. She always replies that they don't mind. I do mind. I might be a housewife, but I usually have something to do and my time is just as precious as anyone else's. I've even told her that I have something else going on and she seems like it's worst thing I have done. For an example, during a strong snow storm our electricity was going off and on and breaking up the call so I couldn't talk. She called three hours later!
What do I tell this kid? How do I teach her that she's being rude? Not just to me, but also to the people around her. I want to ask if she has any friends to talk to but I don't have the heart.
Really hating cell phones.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Stacy Burr
Sat Feb 6, 2010 8:59 AM
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I must respond to the sex therapist's letter: After being married for 46 years, it has taken me this long to realize
"self pleasuring" on my husband's part is very real. I am very bitter that I didn't understand this concept when I was of the age to leave him. I hate growing old with this person that has deprived me of sexual pleasure because he loves himself so much. He has no remorse and I don't think he is going to stop. Everytime I leave the house, I think his pants are down. Talk about a joke you woud see in Playboy. Don't try to put the blame on me. For the past
20 years, I have been the one to initiate sex. He would watch porn films when I left for work. I am not overweight,
I look pretty good and I love sex. Don't go there. My advice to young women: If you find out about this behavior
and after trying to address the issue, I would leave him because, with age, it gets worse. I worry that my children or grandchildren will walk in on him or worse, he will die with his pants unzipped and a porn book in his bony hands and someone other than myself will find him. I feel cheated by this selfsih and disgusting habit. And don't go there that it is an illness. I am sick of excuses. You are responsible for your behavior. Old and bitter.
Comment: #11
Posted by: geri
Sat Feb 6, 2010 9:39 AM
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I seriously think that woman better read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Otherwise, fairly soon she will be doing EVERYTHING on her own, including paying all the bills by herself.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lalalori
Sat Feb 6, 2010 9:48 AM
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Porn for men is natural. But reality has to come into play. I like to see cuties on their motorcycles. How the wind blows their tee shirts up in the back. That is my porn I guess. Everyone has different turn ons. But bottom line.....my husband prefers me. No amount of porn would change that. Our sex life is great! Sometimes once a week. Sometimes 6 times a week. But I could never trade one for the other.
Comment: #13
Posted by: deborah
Sat Feb 6, 2010 10:02 AM
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Am I the only one who thinks there is too much talk of porn everywhere? On TV, comedy shows joke about it all the time as though it is just normal for all men to have a big collection of porn. Until the internet became mainstream, most people I know never talked about porn or masturbation and I wish they would all shut up about it now. I don't want to have those images in my head about people I know or even characters on TV shows. It isn't something all men are into. My guess is that there probably are more men who are into porn now than there would be if people would keep it in the closet like they used to.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Linda Cameron
Sat Feb 6, 2010 12:34 PM
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LW1...look at what you're doing. Sorry, but I just have to question these people who have to have it all, have a job/career and kids and pets, high housekeeping standards, a husband whose mother did everything for him (usually very obvious well before any wedding takes place) and then complain about their lives. Sorry dear, nobody forced you to marry a beer-swilling mama's boy, and then proceed to have children with him even once you saw what he was like, and then opt for a lifestyle that forces you to work outside the home as well. Careers and kids don't always mix, at least not if you need more than 4 hours sleep a night. Trying to keep a husband while limiting sex is pointless...they will stray, like it or not. Either turn a blind eye and let him stray and/or watch porn and indulge in cybersex when he wants, threaten to leave if he doesn't change his ways and then get a divorce because inevitably he won't change his way, or change you priorities around so you meet his needs can stay married. You can't change him. It's up to you.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Claire Beatty
Sat Feb 6, 2010 1:45 PM
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Re: Lalalori--Oh, puke! Seriously, Dr. Laura? Though I guess she should know, because wasn't she pretty good about going after another woman's husband(s)?
Comment: #16
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sat Feb 6, 2010 2:56 PM
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I seriously think most men turn to porn not because they don't have a wife or girlfriend available, but because they want to satisfy their sexual urges without the emotional intimacy of a relationship with a woman. I actually doubt whether "sex therapist" is really a trained sex therapist. As to husbands who do nothing around the house (or wives), if you are old-fashioned and don't live with them first, you may not know. When I asked my husband why he stopped doing anything around the apartment after we got married, he said it was because he had me to do it now. Before we married, he cleaned his apartment because no one else would and he didn't want to scare me off. Now, if a husband complains that he wants more sex and the wife says she is overwhelmed with the house and kids, if he really wants more sex that badly, he will help out. Same with if she says she needs more affection. Logical easy fix, right? But some people are too stuborn for logic, too lazy, or simply like complaining. If both partners are not willing to work at fixing a problem, it will not get fixed. And if one partner refuses to work at it, he or she cannot logically blame it all on their spouse, but usually they do anyway. As to "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and "Total Woman" of a generation ago and all the other books like them, the biggest mistake I made was to bend over backwards trying to remake myself to please a man who does not ever like anything, is always right, and who cannot handle emotional intimacy. Because what I actually did was enable him to be disrespectful, unaffectionate. The more he complained, the harder I tried. I am still married, but am trying to find me again, and trying to tune out 30 years of what I now know is verbal abuse. There is a book out called "The Pleasers" about spouses married to controllers. Wish I had read it 30 years ago. Same author also wrote one "Sex Begins In the Kitchen." (It is more for the husband, but mine refused to read it.) I would recommend both to LW1.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Feb 6, 2010 10:55 PM
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Re: G If you usually work 88 hours a week you either put in 14.6 hour days (6 days a week) or 12.6 hour days (7 days a week). By the time you work out, fix dinner, do dishes, coach, take care of the dogs; when do you have time to show your wife affection? Or sleep?
Comment: #18
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Feb 6, 2010 11:13 PM
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Re: Lalalori. I'm with you. I wish more women would listen to Dr Laura, actually. Some of them just cannot handle her no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is approach. They'd rather make excuses. She has some great advice for men, also. As to the whole porn/not-enough-sex thing, my sympathies lie with the men who do it all around the house and still have wives that aren't concerned about meeting their husbands' needs. My frustration is directed toward women who don't want to "take care of business," yet don't want their husbands taking care of business by themselves, either. They can't have it both ways. I'm equally disgusted by the guys who "never lift a finger" yet expect their wives to hop in the sack the moment they're in the mood. Unfortunately for those with no energy or libido, sex is simply part of marriage. It's a sexual relationship, at least it is supposed to be. If you don't provide it, your partner will go someplace else. That's just how it is. It is a human urge, not just a male one. Sometimes love means doing something you're not in the mood for for your spouse's sake, if only for a few minutes.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Matt
Sat Feb 6, 2010 11:20 PM
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Dear Married Women:
I'm the one your husband cheats on you with. I'm the one they turn to when they feel you're not giving them what they "need" at home. I hear them complain constantly that you never want to have sex, and if you do have sex with them, it's like you don't even enjoy it. After having slept with your husbands, I can only say - I see why you don't want to have sex with them. Their sense of entitlement makes it impossible for them to be worthy lovers. All they think about is whether or not you're satisfying them. They buy into this myth that men need sex and women don't, so they view sex as a way to get what they want, not as a mutual experience. They got frustrated if the woman they're with doesn't have an orgasm after a few minutes of groping between their legs. I can also tell which of your husbands have been watching a lot of porn. They're the ones who treat me like a pretzel, twisting me into strange positions where it's impossible to be comfortable, let alone feel any pleasure. They're the ones who shout obscenities at me as if that's sexy. They're the ones who get disgusted when I don't orgasm on command, and decide that I'm selfish or cold if they have to spend more than a couple of minutes on me. I'm sorry for you married women. I've slept with too many married men to ever want to be married.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Lily O
Sun Feb 7, 2010 5:21 AM
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I read your note and I have to tell you that I can not believe what I am reading. Are you living in the 1950's? I am a 45 year old married man and I work a full time job, I make 3 times the salary my wife makes and I make dinner every night, I fold clothes, I do all the bills and taxes, I scrub toilets by hand. I do all the outside work and I run the kids just as much if not more than my wife does.
But, still my wife says she is tired and she doesn't feel like having sex with me once or twice a month. I am not asking for sex 2 times a week, heaven forbid, I am just asking for sex a few times a month. She complains that she has gained weight; she complains that the children stay up to late and we can't have sex until 11PM on a Saturday night. Well, it's her rule that we can't have sex during the week! She says that she can't have sex through the week; she has to work the next day. She says that she can't have sex on Friday night because she is tire from the week. She can't have sex on Sunday because; you got it, work has to work on Monday. It's not like my wife does Brain Scientist. She works in an office; she goes in at 8:30 and leaves at 4:30. Her job is completely social. The most difficult thing she does, is makes sure that everyone's glass is full at the party.
She is so tired around me that she falls asleep on the couch. When she is around her friends or clients, she is the life of the party. So much that I have grown to hate her for the way she treats me and the way she acts around every married or single man at the party.
I am a great husband, I rub her feet and back every night. I never ask for sex. If I have in the past she grips and complains that I am not considerate and only think of myself. When we do have sex, she complains before and after. It is not worth the hassle. Right before sex, she lays there and pulls the covers up to her neck. She wants to tell me how terrible the children are, how unhappy she is about her weight, her lack of time, her job, how she is always tired and how Oprah says that if she doesn't take care of herself that she will never be good for anyone else. What BS! All she does is take care of her.
She complains so much that I don't even want sex anymore. It is so hard to get in a mood and keep the mood going that I feel so depressant at the end that I need a drink. She on the other hand, gives me all of her problems and then she goes to bed. She is a master at convincing me that this is all my fault. I don't know why women believe having sex with their husbands is so terrible. Yes, the guy is not Brad Pitt, but you're not Pamela Anderson either. At one point in your life you looked at the guy sleeping next to you and thought, I love him, he is pretty special. When did that change, was it the kids, was it that you hate yourself and you need to blame him, since you can't take responsibility for the 40 lbs you put on since the wedding. Does he care that you look like your mom now. NO, he still loves you for you. Get over it, and start enjoying that great guy that is sleeping next to you. If you spent half as much time worrying about him and your life together, what a life you would have in the end.
Happy Valentine.
Comment: #21
Posted by: West
Mon Feb 8, 2010 1:36 PM
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Re: West
I agree 100% with West (Comment #3) I work 40+ hrs a week and do 95% of everything that needs to be done in our household. With 4% being done by my son and IF Im lucky 1% by my wife.
Ive 52 years old. We have been married over 27 years. Weve been thru counseling. I did what she wanted me to do and it got me nothing in return. She has medical problems that keep her from doing a lot. I understand. But its been this way for over 15 years. She doesnt try to get better. And takes complete advantage of me doing everything. While she sits in her Rocker Recliner watching TV and playing on her laptop.
I couldnt tell you the last time we had sex/made love. Its been years. Because of her lack of any interest in pleasing me sexually I have lost all interest in having it with her.
I love Porn. I loved it before I was married. I watch it a couple times a week and masterbate. THAT is the only sex I get.
You ask why dont I divorce her and leave? IF I did she would/could not survive without me. She cant work. And Is on disability. She gets Social Security benefits and prescriptions. But IF I didnt have medical insurance thru work, the medical bills would be astronomical!!
I too believe that a lot of men, ESPECIALLY married men watch porn becuause their wifes refuse to make them happy sexually. At least they way they want to be. And I know Im not the only husband that would do ANY and EVERY thing it takes to make her happy just to be sexually pleased. But women dont see it that way.
Its a real shame women are so sexually inhibited. Maybe more marriages would survive if they werent!!
Comment: #22
Posted by: John
Tue Feb 9, 2010 6:14 AM
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I don't know why people blame pornography for lack of intimacy. My husband and I have been together for seven years, 3 of them married, and we use pornography as a tool for our mutual benefit. If he watches it alone, he comes looking for me after and if I'm kind of in the mood but want to rock his socks, I can use porn to hype myself up. Often we watch it together. The porn isn't the problem. It's just a self medication or quick fix for what's really keeping him out of the bedroom. Figure out what that is and don't blame the medication for the symptoms.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Noni Ki
Sat Feb 27, 2010 4:26 AM
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