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Annie's Mailbox®, January 20
Dear Annie: I have been married for 12 years to a man who can't seem to keep a job. No matter where he works, "Ted" always finds a reason to quit.
We have three boys. I've told Ted we both need to set a good example for the kids, to teach them to become responsible and hardworking. Not to mention, it takes money to raise three kids. But all he says is, "I want a job that pays good money."
Frankly, if I have to support my children on my own anyway, I may as well do it without Ted. Any suggestions? — Might As Well Be Single
Dear Single: Someone needs to inform Ted that "good money" is whatever someone is willing to pay you, and refusing to hold onto a job is "no money." It's possible Ted has ADHD or some type of psychological disorder that makes it difficult to stay employed. Please suggest he talk to his doctor about the possibility and, if necessary, seek counseling.
Dear Annie: Your advice for "Puffed Out" was good. Wood smoke drift can be a real nuisance and health hazard. Can I add a few suggestions?
1. Instead of plastic, put tape or putty around all the corners of their windows. It will do a better job of keeping out the smoke.
2. They may need a different type of air purifier. A good one might cost $1,000, but it will truly scrub the air in your house. I know it's not fair that they have to spend that kind of money, but as long as they're stuck in this situation, it could help keep them healthy. As a bonus, it will also take care of pollen, viruses, pet dander, mold and bacteria. — Mike
Dear Mike: Thanks for your suggestions. Dozens of readers wrote in with other ideas, and we are grateful. Read on:
Dear Annie: EPA-rated wood stoves are being promoted by the U.S. government. A new one should not put out an excessive amount of smoke. "Puffed Out" should also look into the tax deduction this year for insulation and new windows because smoke should not be able to get into a properly insulated home. If the neighbor got an EPA-rated stove and "Puffed Out" tightened up his own house, maybe both could live in peace.
Pennsylvania: I also had the problem, so I asked my neighbor to put another section of pipe on the wood burner, and it took the smoke over the house.
Wyoming: I'm surprised you didn't suggest "Puffed Out" hire a heating and air-conditioning contractor to look at his own house. He needs to quit complaining and look into fixing his home. Wood and coal are efficient and money-saving ways to heat homes. A blizzard downed power lines in our area for more than 17 hours, and our wood-burning stove was the only thing keeping us warm.
Air Pollution Control Engineer: You were correct in labeling the invasive smoke problem a nuisance, which is a violation of the basic local air pollution control regulation of nuisance. "Puffed Out" should contact the county air pollution control district, the regional air quality management district or the state environmental agency, depending on which has jurisdiction. Air pollution control laws exist to protect public health.
Michigan: The cap on our neighbor's chimney was too wide so he replaced it with a narrower one. Now his fireplace smoke rises faster than it spreads. Also, there was a tree between our properties that was trapping the smoke and channeling it into our roof vents. Tree removed. Problem solved.
Quebec: It is not the wood stove that's the problem — it's what they're burning in it. Use firewood — not building wood, paneling or pieces of furniture. And only newspapers, not the shiny stuff used for store flyers. These things are full of ink, glue and other chemicals that make smelly fumes and pollute the environment. We caught our tightwad neighbor burning old car tires in his basement. We informed him we would get the EPA after him if he didn't stop. That did the trick.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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13 Comments | Post Comment
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"Might as well be Single" has it right. As long as she supports him he will find reasons to not work. My step daughter and I both left husbands who wouldn't work. The minute we did they got jobs.
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah
Wed Jan 20, 2010 6:09 AM
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What is wrong with these 2 ladies? LW1 should throw the bum out. Who gives a crapola if he has psychological problems -- he's had 12 effing years to figure it out. He just doesn't want to work. She needs to kick his arse to the curb. My grandfather pulled the same crap with my grandma when my dad was 2 months old during the depression. She told him, I can support myself and my son, but not a husband. He left my grandma and my dad to fend for themselves and never gave her a dime. LW1--dump this loser, immediately if not sooner!
Comment: #2
Posted by: osoozzq
Wed Jan 20, 2010 8:13 AM
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Unless the husband who wants to work, but only for "good money" or not work at all: Unless he provides something other than financial support--runs the household, does repairs around the house, is a superior father and supportive mate, volunteers, let him figure out how to support himself out on his own and you be the one to set a good example of how to be independent to your children.
You can't earn good money unless you have a good work ethic, put in the time, have the skills, and keep at it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: BB
Wed Jan 20, 2010 8:26 AM
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OMG - LW#1 sounds like my sister. Her hubby seems to think if they're paying you less than six-figures it isn't worth the job. He also thinks he should be able to go home for lunch every day, go golfing any afternoon that strikes his fancy, take multiple 3-4 day weekends as well.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Mich
Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:42 AM
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My ex was like the first letter writers husband, only mine refused to get a job in the first place. He had plenty of excuses: he was sick, he didn't want to work anywhere that wouldn't pay him 4k a month, he didn't want to miss out on our sons milestones (I was working full time and missed them all) oh, and my absolute favorite: "Well, you're the one who decided you had to work". I had to work so we could move out from living with friends and not into a cardboard box under the freeway. I was with him for nearly five years. I cried during Christmases and my sons birthdays because I couldn't buy him anything. I left work when it was still dark outside and got home with just enough time to tuck my son into bed, yet we still had the electricity turned off on us twice. Somehow, though, we could support my exes pack-a-day habit. I hated my life so much. I felt like a human pack mule. This woman needs to dump her mate and learn how freeing it feels to not have to support an adult toddler. Tell him to get his ass out. I was worried my ex wouldn't be able to make it without me. But it's his decision to sink or swim.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Datura
Wed Jan 20, 2010 10:47 AM
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Once again the ladies go all soft on their advice. "Frankly, if I have to support my children on my own anyway, I may as well do it without Ted. Any suggestions"? Yes, here's the suggestion: Get an attorney and divorce him . Make sure that the child support that he will have to pay is paid through the courts and not directly to you. that way he'll get and keep a job or he'll go to jail. Don't even think about counseling until you've dropped this bastard. Now you'll only have 3 boys to raise instead of 4.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Rick
Wed Jan 20, 2010 12:24 PM
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I have a 28 year old son is just like that . LUckily he has no children. Every job he quitd after 2 to 3 months. He has been diagnosed with adhd when younger. He's been married (impulsively) which didn't last. He doesn't work a decent job because it will keep him back. I don't live with his father and he is of no help. I really worry about. I don't know how to him. He has no insurance so counseling is out. He really wants to be rock star. Anyway I could go on and on. Any suggestions? He is really a great person which m.akes things such a waste.
Comment: #7
Posted by: yvonne
Wed Jan 20, 2010 1:03 PM
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I have a 28 year old son is just like that . LUckily he has no children. Every job he quitd after 2 to 3 months. He has been diagnosed with adhd when younger. He's been married (impulsively) which didn't last. He doesn't work a decent job because it will keep him back. I don't live with his father and he is of no help. I really worry about. I don't know how to him. He has no insurance so counseling is out. He really wants to be rock star. Anyway I could go on and on. Any suggestions? He is really a great person which m.akes things such a waste.
Comment: #8
Posted by: yvonne
Wed Jan 20, 2010 1:04 PM
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Re: the woman who complained about her non-working husband... I think many of you (and "Annie") are missing the point. The gal who wrote that letter sounds like my brother's wife. They have three kids. She is the breadwinner and resents it. My brother is not employed, BUT he is the one who spends all day at home taking care of three kids. He's the one who does the chores and cooks them meals. His wife could be the one who wrote that letter... she thinks he should be a money machine so SHE can be the one staying home.
Imagine that a man had written that letter -- "My wife can't hold a job, I have to work full time to pay the bills and I'm missing my kids' birthdays. It would be easier to raise them without a wife." I'll bet you a thousand bucks that the ladies would have jumped to the wife's defense, pointing out that taking care of the kids is a full time job. In this case, it sounds like the husband is the one staying home with the kids, doing a "full time job." (He must be, because by the letter writer's own description, she is never home!)
I hope they do get a divorce because she'll suddenly realize that he may not be earning an income but he is definitely working... cause young kids can't and don't take care of themselves.
Comment: #9
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Jan 20, 2010 4:45 PM
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Your point is excellent - IF - and this coudl be a big "if" - the husband truly is a "Mr. Mom".
However, whether one is a stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home dad, the decision must be made by both parties. That is, both partners have to agree that one parent staying at home to raise the children is financially possible. This way, there is no resentment and both partners recognize the work the other is doing.
Based on what "Might As Well Be Single" wrote, this is not the situation. She has to work because he essentially refuses. She makes no comments about him keeping the house clean, cooking or raising the kids, which suggests he doesn't do any of those items either. And even if he does, clearly she is not happy with the arrangement and may need either help in bringing in money or she may feel a second paycheck would allow both parents more time with the children. Regardless, this is a decision her husband forced on her and that is never good in a marriage.
Comment: #10
Posted by: JJH
Thu Jan 21, 2010 2:54 PM
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A father IS a very strong influence in the lives of his boys, period, and the wife has every reason to be concerned! I have a brother in law, who was married four times, (twice to the same woman) having children with wives #1 and #2....wife #2 was a drug addict and disappeared for days at a time so he got custody of their 3 small kids. He never did like to work, so that was a dream come true for him, because when he divorced her he got welfare and food stamps and sat home with the kids. He'd blow tax returns on Nintendo machines and games, while the kids looked like beggars. He'd smack them around if they walked infront of video games, and they were neglected often wearing only underware and eating directly from a cereal box. The point here, is, two of the children were male...one is now 16 and in juvenile detention...the other in his early 20's, has a baby, and does not work...the baby's mother does because THAT is how he learned his role as a male to be from his bum father...men SHOULD work, suppport their children, and definately show their male children how to be responsible providers!
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lori
Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:22 PM
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Re: Datura
Good for you! I loved the "adult toddler" you hit the nail on the head! I'll bet your life is so much better, I pray for you to have continual strength, peace, and empowerment!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lori
Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:26 PM
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Re: sarah morrow
Sarah, You know, if your sister inlaw "resents it" that indicates to me that it was not a mutual decision for your brother to be a stay at home dad. Granted, he probably does valuable things, that I don't dispute, but not everyone is so "new wave" and finds it palatable to be married to a stay at home dad when that was not the type of marriage they anticipated. If the couple agrees that the man is more feminime, nurturing, etc and that the woman has is more agressive, career driven, has more marketable skills, makes more money, and that is how the couple wants to live, that's dandy. But it is the women who find themselves stuck as provider by default because a man doesn't want to work, that can cause huge resentment. I don't understand the concept, my dad was proud, he was a great provider, and never would have allowed a woman to support him. Call me old fashion, but I have a master's degree and have earned big money, but I still don't want to wear the pants in the family. Out of necessity, I have worked full time right along with my husband, so don't think I'm a pampered stay at home rich lady, although I wish I was!
Comment: #13
Posted by: Lori
Thu Jan 21, 2010 6:41 PM
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