Dear Annie: I'm 42, and my mother, sister and adult daughter have all informed me repeatedly that I'm worthless, useless, unattractive and unlovable. I've examined my whole life to try to fix whatever it is I'm doing wrong, but I just can't seem to come up with any specific thing. I also have an ex-husband who agrees with everything they say, blames me for everything that ever went wrong in our marriage and adds that I'm lousy in bed, too. I've never been with anyone else to compare, but I'm too scared to discover he's right.
So, I've shut myself away from all friends, family and social interactions because the last thing I want to do is upset anyone or cause them pain. It seems obvious to me that with this many people telling me how bad I am and how much I destroy their happiness, I must be a problem.
I'm informed and intelligent enough to know that I suffer from major depression, but I fail to see how counseling or medical care will help. After all, how can a pill or a counselor undo 42 years' worth of ingrained self-loathing and the inability to fix myself? I don't see how trying would be anything other than a waste of time and money.
Isn't it better to just acknowledge that the best thing some people can do in this world is leave it? I'm sure my family would be better off. — Ready To Quit
Dear Ready: That nest of vipers certainly has done a number on you. You sound like a kind, intelligent person who has spent too many years struggling. In some families, one person becomes the victim of abuse, and other family members think it's OK to participate. Here's what counseling will do for you: It will help you understand that you deserve to be loved and appreciated. And it will teach you how to deflect these bullies so they can't use you for target practice anymore. Please make an appointment to see someone immediately.
Dear Annie: A few months ago when my husband was terminally ill in the hospital, my sister and her husband came to "give comfort and help me." While I spent time in the hospital, they stayed in my home, went through everything in my house and stole some items that meant a lot to me.
My husband died shortly afterward.
My sister later gloated that I would never get the items back, nor would I ever convince anyone that she could have stolen them. Of course, now that I refuse to have anything to do with her, she cries on everyone's shoulders about how mean I am.
While the stolen items had value, what bothers me more is my sister doing something so trashy and then boasting about getting away with it. I could never trust either of them again and don't ever want them in my home. — No Name, No Town
Dear No Name: This was a terrible betrayal by someone you loved and trusted in a moment of emotional vulnerability. You need make no explanation or apology for not allowing them in your home. P.S.: If the stolen items had value, please consider taking legal action to retrieve them.
Dear Annie: "Deeply Depressed Texas Mom" said her son was marrying a very sweet girl, but the bride's mother was shutting "Deeply" out of all the wedding plans.
She should take the high road and be gracious, and help pay for the wedding, as she had originally planned. Her son and his wife will love her forever. And when the grandchildren start arriving, they will see through it all, and she will be seen as the "loving" one. Trust me, this happened to us.
After 15 years, my daughter-in-law and I have become best friends, and her mother still doesn't have a clue. — BTDT
Dear BTDT: You are one of the lucky ones. We're glad things worked out so well for you.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Re: LW1 - It's one thing to have a toxic mother and sister, but she raised the daughter. Now she says the daughter is also part of the problem. Of course we only hear her version of it, but it's also possible that this is a professional victim who's made life into a non-stop pity-party. People don't chronically treat you that badly unless you allow it - and in some cases, tacitly encourage it.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Jan 9, 2010 7:37 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence Thank you Maggie. I was thinking the very thing. I'd love to hear what mom, sister, husband and daughter think of the situation.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Rick
Sat Jan 9, 2010 8:22 AM
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Counseling of any kind, even short term, will make you feel better for the moment. It will be a load off your shoulders at the least. That is, if you see someone who will listen and respond appropriately. Keep looking until you do. At the best, it will help you devise ways to cope. If you need longer term therapy and medication, you work with the therapist/doctor to find the right medication for you.
As for being a scapegoat. I didn't realize how that worked until I came across a family which had picked out one of their children to blame for everything that was wrong with them. I don't know how some particular child is chosen for this role. Maybe there is something in his personality that permits it; but if this is happening to you the only thing you can do is to get some help to figure out what you can do to drop this role and get away from them.
Comment: #3
Posted by: BB
Sat Jan 9, 2010 9:03 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence --That was my first thought too. She raised her daughter and now she says her daughter is part of the problem? She created that particular problem. It also never ceases to amaze me that these people whine about mom, dad, sister, husband, friend whoever, treat them so bad but insist on still having that person in their life. I think she enjoys being the victim, it gives her an excuse not to put forth effort in life.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Cathy
Sat Jan 9, 2010 10:40 AM
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LW1: I've been there done that as well. My family thinks that of me as well and I do not think it is a pity party or whining. How I got better was that I found people who thought I was ok and that needed me. Then I thought I was ok as well. Also got counseling and used meds and got better. Then I practically threw the vipers out of my life and realized I am a child of God and have worth. And you can do the same. Probably only three blocks from where you live there is somebody who needs you and would jump for joy to have you as a friend and thinks you have worth. But first you have to think you have worth. It's all in your thinking and your boundaries. Kick toxic people out of your life, even if it has to be your child. Your very survival depends on this. Good luck.
Comment: #5
Posted by:
Sat Jan 9, 2010 11:03 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence
Actually it is not that unusual for a person who is a family scapegoat to be abused by multiple generations. Mom probably set the pattern to begin with and sister is just doing what mom does. She mentioned an ex, so he probably was abusive like her mom, not unusual for an abused person to marry an abuser. Daughter no doubt is copying the people in her life who have the power, the abusers, her grandma, aunt and dad. If she was raised with the abuse, and that is what all the put-downs are, she will need help to learn that she is worthwhile and special. She needs a counselor who specializes in abuse, and if she can she should put some geographic distance between her and her abusers, or at least find some good friends to be busy with. Who knows, once she truly finds herself, she might even find a special man, too.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Jan 11, 2010 9:44 PM
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Re: Elizabeth
I want to continue, I know about scapegoating because I have seen this firsthand in my husband's family. His youngest sister is the scapegoat of the entire family. Interestingly, in my father-in-law's first marriage, the youngest daughter there is the scapegoat of him and his oldest daughter, but there the mother (ex-wife) refused to be part of the scapegoating. I understand that the grandparents were also a part of the scapegoating of these two girls. I actually got in trouble a few years ago for sending a small baby gift and card to my sister-in-law's daughter. It goes on for generations, and those inside the family cannot see it because they think it is normal and the victim deserves it.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Elizabeth
Mon Jan 11, 2010 10:34 PM
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The first thing that crossed my mind when I read 'ready to quit's story, was, schizophrenic. My 40 year old daughter, 'Suzie', has schizophrenia, and has told me when I have friends over to visit me in my home and she is around, that my friends say mean hateful things to her, calling her worthless, stupid, and fat. (she weighs 110 pounds). Suzie also claims that if she is in another room, she can hear all the mean things they say about her. She also has told me about 'those people' who talk to her all the time and never say anything nice.
It really could be the root of 'ready to quit's' problem, and she needs to be evaluated.
Junie Moon
Comment: #8
Posted by: junepeterson
Wed Jan 13, 2010 11:58 AM
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Dear Annie,
"Ready to Quit" does, in fact, need to receive medical help. However, I would be very careful about believing that every person in her life has told her that she is unlovable, unattractive, worthless and useless. This woman sounds remarkably like my mother. Mom has 6 children who have each been targeted at one point or another for her rage. She is estranged from 4 of her 6 children right now for a variety of reasons including the following:
*stealing checks that were sent to my brother at her address and depositing them into her own account.
*while on her way to board a cruise in TX, mom drove within 20 minutes of her daughter and two grandchildren. They live 9 hours apart and had not seen one another for more than a year. Mom did not stop.
*attending the wedding of my former boyfriend rather than attending my wedding reception that took place on the same day. She had no ties to this man except through me.
*When all 6 siblings unexpectedly were going to be within 2 hours of each other this fall we made arrangements to get together. Two siblings called mom and invited her but she was "too busy." However, mom has told our grandmother and our aunts that we did not invite her to join us.
Mom regularly falls into the "poor me" mode where she invents conversations or statements of her supposed worthlessness that are attributed to her children but never happened. Most family members are now completely aware of Mom's manipulation, but her friends believe that the siblings are simply hateful, horrible people. It is a situation I do not wish on anyone...
Been There in KS
Comment: #9
Posted by: Marge
Sun Feb 28, 2010 5:23 PM
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Not enough information to make a call on LW#1. I have known a family that picked the second son to be the family's scapegoat - and he did marry an abusive woman. He's repeating what he learned at home and can't see the cycle that he's in. We've pretty much accepted that if he gets away from this abusive wife, he'll just find another one like her.
On the other hand, I've worked with a "professional victim". That woman could not/would not get out of her own way. I think she got off on the sympathy somehow. The sympathy would not outweigh the negative effects of all that drama for most people.
Comment: #10
Posted by: capiscan
Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:54 AM
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