Dear Annie: My 14-year-old son, "Steven," worries me to no end. He has no drive or ambition. He tells me he wants to attend college and become a computer programmer, yet he won't put forth the effort to complete his ninth-grade assignments. And when he does finish them, he often neglects to turn them in. Steven's teachers believe he has the ability to earn A's, but he is a C student, with a few D's and F's.
Steven has no follow through, even on simple tasks. He can spend hours creating online gaming avatars, but can't remember to feed the dog. He doesn't take out the trash or pick up his socks without being asked repeatedly. I have to remind him every single day to brush his teeth and wear deodorant.
Steven is not involved in extracurricular activities, nor does he have any interest in starting. His idea of a fun day is eating and playing computer games. He has several close friends, all of whom are just like him.
Being a college-educated single mom, I realize the power of perseverance and hard work, and it seriously concerns me that my son is not preparing for what life may hand him. I fear he will grow up to be an unsavory character, a man who thinks everything should come to him without effort. What can I do to lead him toward a more promising path? — Frustrated Mom in Michigan City, Ind.
Dear Frustrated: Not everything is cause for concern. At 14, some of this behavior (forgetting to pick up his socks, preferring video games to extracurricular activities) is not unusual. Neglecting to turn in completed homework could indicate an attention-deficit problem, and you might want to have him evaluated.
The fact that your son has several friends is a good sign, and try to keep in mind that your involvement in his education can make a huge difference in his academic values. Encourage his involvement in areas where he has interest or talent — perhaps his school has a computer club or one of your friends works in game design — and don't give up on him.
Dear Annie: We've had a group of friends for over 20 years.
One male friend recently married a woman who is making us miserable with her constant criticism and pessimistic view on many topics.
She recently opened her big mouth once again and really hurt the person to whom she was talking. We have suggested she keep such comments to herself, but she pays no attention. We enjoy our old friend's company, but not his wife's. What should we do? — Ready To Divorce Her
Dear Ready: Talk to your friend and explain the problem. Don't denigrate his new wife, but make it clear that the rest of the group is having a problem adjusting to her. She may be trying to assert her position by running roughshod over her husband's old friends, and if so, he needs to ask her to stop. Otherwise, your choices are to put up with her, see him when she's not around or stop seeing both of them.
Dear Annie: I was interested in the letter from "Deeply Depressed Texas Mom" because it happened to me. My son's girlfriend was sweet and loving. When they got engaged, she said, "Let's plan the wedding together." Then her mother came into the picture, and I was systematically excluded.
Somehow the florist was one corsage short, so I didn't get one. They told me the bride's room was only for the bridal party, and I was not allowed in. When they cut the cake, I was told my presence was not required. I had to request that the band (that I paid for) play a mother-son dance since it was not on their playlist, although the father-daughter dance went on for 10 minutes.
This has continued into the marriage. Her family ranks, and I do not. I miss the son I once had, but I am not so sure about the man I see now. — Been There, Too, in California
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: She is worrying too much about Steve. The Annies' advice was good. While it's perfectly valid to be concerned about his academic performance, it sounds like the problem is related to organization rather than ability or talent. Indeed he might have a mild case of ADD. It's definitely too early to be worried that he's going to spend his entire life behaving as he does right now, especially since she didn't mention drug problems or trouble with the law. He sounds like a typical teenage "geek" who likes computers. I am concerned, however, that the LW may be doing too much for Steve and therefore has become something of an enabler. She admits to being on his case about wearing deodorant and turning in his assignments; why not just back off and let the young man learn the hard way about the importance of academic performance and personal hygiene? Geesh, the kid's 14. He's old enough to start taking responsibility for this stuff on his own; did she baby him like this when he was 10 or 8 or 5? And for that matter, where's this kid's dad and why isn't he involved? A male role model would be of some help if this fellow is to grow into a man who takes responsibility for himself.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Matt
Sun Jan 3, 2010 12:02 AM
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I'm no doctor, but Steven sounds exactly like my son who has ADD. Get him checked.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Valerie
Sun Jan 3, 2010 5:16 AM
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RE: "Steven" - I agree he should be evaluated for ADD and/or depression (they do go hand-in-hand). What is Steven's incentive to do well? College? That's years away in his mind. Does "Frustrated's" town have a mentor program? Matt's might be right. Steven might benefit from an adult male role model. If his father isn't around, or a good role model, enlist someone else. How about an uncle? or grandfather?
Also, Steven should only be allowed to play video or computer games AFTER his work is completed and turned in and only for prescribed periods of time. He has to earn his leisure. He should also have other chores around the house he has to perform before he gets to play. Walking his own dog when he gets home from school should be mandatory. The exercise and fresh air will help even if he isn't ADD or depressed.
If the computer is in his room, put it in a public area of the house. I have 5 kids between the ages of 18 and 23. No one was allowed to have a computer or television in their room. It is easier to monitor how much time they spent doing homework and how much time they play.
Does he go home to an empty house? That unsupervised time could be a problem. It might help Steven be a little less self-absorbed (which is normal for 14) if he volunteered or worked after school at something worthwhile - like help an elderly neighbor - walk the dog, rake leaves, cut the grass. Does their town have a rent-a-kid program?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Dee
Sun Jan 3, 2010 5:41 AM
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I am a therapist and when I see an unmotivated child I usually see a parents who nags. It would be helpful for her to learn different parenting techniques that allow him to be motivadated internally rather than externally. "A child who forgets has a parent who remembers." And he also might had ADD or a learning disability.
Comment: #4
Posted by: vicki
Sun Jan 3, 2010 5:47 AM
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Steven sounds like a pretty typical 14 year old to me. He does need to turn in homework and he does need to feed the dog but beyond that leave him alone. Oh yeah, most 14 year old boys are "ADD" so let's not overreact.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Rick
Sun Jan 3, 2010 8:43 AM
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Some of his problems could be caused by too much computer time, I am surprised the advice didn't include limiting his time on the computer! Parents need to be parents and enforce some computer rules.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kat
Sun Jan 3, 2010 9:03 AM
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oh brother, here we go again. some kid has a problem and immediately they assume it's a "disease." my daughter acts pretty similar and she doesn't have ADD or anything like that. she's just lazy and going through a stage. it will pass. quit nagging the kid, make sure he has enough chores, make sure he's not on drugs and then let him be.
Comment: #7
Posted by: osoozzq
Sun Jan 3, 2010 9:50 AM
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The LW's son sounds exactly like my son did at 14. He wasn't allowed to have a computer in his room until he was 16, so I was able to monitor his computer time. At 16, I felt he was responsible enough to handle it and a private phone line. He discovered girls, got an after-school job, and he's never been without a job since, as well as going to college fulltime. As far as ADD, if he's diagnosed with that, I hope she changes his diet, pushes vitamins, etc. before prescribing drugs. I saw college students who had been in Ritalin since they were 5, when I was teaching, and some of them were like zombies. I think schools could go a long way toward helping kids with ADD if they would put back regular recess so the kids could blow off steam. But, that's another column.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Jan 3, 2010 10:46 AM
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Helllllooooooo!!! I'm with the other poster, WHY I ask WHY is he allowed on the computer when his homework isn't done? I have an almost 12 year old son who is highly distractable, most likely would be diagnosed, but doen't get NEAR a computer on any day of the week if he has outstanding homework assignments that haven't been finished.
I'd unplug the cord, confiscate the computer, put it in a common room and be in constant contact with his teacher via email. When my kids lie about homework, I find out.
The other thing is that t.v., video games and computer time is all earned on a token system at our house. You read 15 minutes, you get a 15 minute "screen time" token. If homework isn't done, or it's too close to bedtime, tokens are not accepted. And there's a limit to how much they can cash in on a school night anyway, weekends are a little more flexible.
Why aren't we parenting our kids???
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Sun Jan 3, 2010 8:58 PM
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After reading the article I was all set to write a letter complaining about the state of our society when we instantly jump to the "ADD" diagnosis when all is really needed is some true parenting. It is heartening to hear other readers who are pushing the "take away his computer privileges" and "let him learn on his own" answers. I can remember clearly growing up that I kept ignoring my parents discussions around hygene ("Eww, ick, I'm talking about THIS with my mom!?!"), but the first time that cute girl said something un-kind about my multi-day aroma I got the picture.
And the excessive computer time is easy to fix - take the power supply or power cable and when he has shown that he's up-to-date on his assignments he earns it back. If he forgets something at school, then he's out of luck for the evening. Not only will he start getting his assignments in on time, but he'll magically start remembering things too.
If you can't supervise your teenager after school and you are unable to find a mentor, check with your students teachers and guidance counselor -- schools today have many more academic oriented after-school-activities and not just sports.
Good luck - my wife is a middle school teacher and she has told me time and time again that the parents that show even the smallest bit of interest in their childs activities in school have children that excel in life (in and out of school).
Dan
Comment: #10
Posted by: Dan
Sun Jan 10, 2010 7:23 PM
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Speaking from experience, this young man (and his friends) may be smoking pot. If you think he's too young, that is very naive. There are over the counter drug tests that parents can buy. I would recommend it. Better safe than sorry. You have to address these things early.
Comment: #11
Posted by: RyanOnCue
Fri Jan 15, 2010 6:47 AM
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