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Too Much of an Ex Thing Dear Annie: I resent that my husband's ex-wife is still in the picture. I tolerated her presence when his children were young, but now that they are grown, I don't see why she is still in our lives. She will show up on my husband's birthday and …Read more. Grandpa Playing Favorites Dear Annie: My husband and I have four grandchildren under the age of 12. My stepson is the father of all these children, although the eldest, "Sara," is from an earlier relationship and lives with her mother. Sara rarely sees my stepson, …Read more. The Cheating Elephant in the Room Dear Annie: My married boss is having an affair with one of my co-workers. We work in a very small office with few employees. We have all been here for many years and have become close, but now the tension is unbearable. The affair is the big pink …Read more. A Facebook Affair To Remember Dear Annie: Last May, my 56-year-old husband met a woman on Facebook and quickly became infatuated. She lives in Germany. We live in Kansas. My husband thinks he knows everything about her and believes she is completely on the up and up. In October, …Read more.
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Annie's Mailbox®, January 2

Dear Annie: For the five years I have been married to "Joe," I have had the dubious privilege of enduring frequent, spur-of-the-moment overnight visits from his best friend of 40 years. Joe says "Derek" comes two or three times a week because he is too drunk to drive home. Derek is a married man with a family.

A few weeks ago when my husband's snoring was too much, I slept on the sofa. Derek came through to use the bathroom, and I could sense him staring at me and hear his breathing. He stood there for quite some time. An hour later, he came back. I was so desperate to get out of the house that I went to work three hours early.

At first, I didn't tell Joe because I was afraid he wouldn't believe me, or that he would somehow make me feel as if I were overreacting — which is exactly what happened when I finally mentioned it.

I have repeatedly asked my husband to curtail some of these visits, but he won't. Finally, two nights ago, I gave him the ultimatum — Derek or me. He countered with, "How about he comes once a week?"

I don't really want to leave my husband. I have no place to go and have invested too much time and money in this relationship and in this house. Joe is a kind, generous, gullible person, and I believe Derek takes advantage of him. Derek's marital problems shouldn't become mine. Derek's wife is aware of how unhappy I am, but she apparently likes to get him out of the house. Am I overreacting? — The Bad Guy

Dear Bad Guy: Hardly. Overnight guests who drop by two or three times a week are intrusive. If Joe were single, he could do as he pleased, but he has an obligation to be considerate of the woman who is sharing his home. He may believe once a week is a reasonable compromise, but it's still too often to put up with a man who watches you while you sleep.

Tell Joe the only way Derek can fix his marriage is by going home and dealing with it. Then put your foot down, and tell him your compromise is once a month. Any more and you are staying at a hotel.

Dear Annie: A good friend of mine has a 10-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter. Her husband has a monthly subscription to Playboy magazine. She also enjoys the magazine. OK, it's their business.

My problem is, she leaves it on the kitchen counter and lets her children thumb through it. She says the human body is beautiful and there is nothing wrong with looking at the pictures. I disagree. I don't believe this magazine is appropriate for children. It is provocative and soft-core pornography. Am I a prude? — Too Much

Dear Too Much: The photos in these magazines are intended to titillate and excite. They objectify women and can give young girls an unrealistic body image and teach them that their job is to sexually satisfy men. You might point these things out to your friend for her daughter's sake, but beyond that, please stay out of it.

Dear Annie: You missed the boat when you told "Husband of a Sudden Bisexual" that his marriage may not be reconcilable if his wife is bisexual. Bisexual people are just as inclined toward monogamy as anyone else. Millions of bisexuals may be getting fishy looks from their partners over the breakfast table because of your claim. Please set the record straight. — Happy Monogamous Bisexual

Dear Bisexual: We didn't mean to give the impression that bisexuals cannot be monogamous. But a wife who cheats with two different partners doesn't seem inclined toward monogamy, and a husband who is surprised to discover she is bisexual may not be willing to reconcile. That was our point. Sorry it wasn't clear.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment
Re: LW1 First of all, Derek is an alcoholic and the letter writer's husband is one of his enablers. Second, if she could find herself a friend to stay with the minute Derek walked into the house, maybe Joe would notice and be motivated to curtail the visits. As for the watching her sleep, she should be the aggressor. Tell Derek she's a nervous sleeper and likes to keep a loaded gun handy. That's what I'd do.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Jan 2, 2010 7:11 AM
Reply to Bad Guy: I would not allow Derek in my house again to stay three nights a week just because he gets drunk and doesn't want to go home. First I would be calling his wife and telling her, I think it is time their problem got worked out because it is running my marriage.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Sharon
Sat Jan 2, 2010 8:15 PM
LW1: Amen. While I can appreciate the importance of not driving drunk, it sounds like Derek shouldn't be drinking in the first place. Why can't he go sober up at Denny's or something instead? The situation the LW describes at home is intolerable. If she told her husband she was leaving if Derek shows up - and then followed through - it might get his attention. Right now, the husband doesn't see or understand that the situation is threatening the marriage.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Sun Jan 3, 2010 12:05 AM
Your advice was okay as far as it went, but:

Dereck is an alcoholic, and alcoholism is a progressive and terminal illness. If he does not get treatment it will, in time, take his life.

The treatment for alcoholism, however, is painful, and Dereck will not get treatment until the disease is more painful than the treatment. By saving Dereck from the pain of his disease - facing his wife, sleeping on the street, getting arrested, etc. - Joe is being his co-dependent and is helping him avoid treatment. He does Dereck no favor, and is really helping the illness to take Dereck's life.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Michael
Sun Jan 3, 2010 8:50 AM
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