Dear Annie: I am a good person. I always try to do the right thing. But I did something stupid, and it could cost me my job and the respect I have earned.
For 10 years, I have been the director of a preschool. Every member of the staff has to take 18 hours of learning in-service. One of my staff members was absent during one of the in-service exams, so I took the test for her and signed her name.
I could get fired and probably should be. I am sick about it. I knew it was a mistake as soon as I mailed it in. Please tell me what to do. Should I tell my boss upfront and resign? Or do I live with the stress and pray I don't get caught? I will never do it again, but I doubt anyone will care about that. — This Is Not Me
Dear Not You: We don't think you will be able to live with the stress. It's already eating you up inside, and you will forever anticipate the truth coming out. Did the absentee woman ask you to take the test for her? If so, she could lose her job, as well. You made a terrible mistake and will have to face the consequences, but there is a possibility that if you are forthcoming and sincerely sorry, you will be given another chance. You might also wish to talk this over with your clergyperson or counselor and ask for guidance.
Dear Annie: Can you settle a dispute between my husband and me?
"Lenny" is retired and does the majority of the housework and taking care of our cats. On weekends, I like to get up early while Lenny sleeps in. One cat prefers to be fed at the crack of dawn, but the other two sleep late and aren't hungry. I usually feed the one cat but not the others. I also pick up the caked-on dirty cat dishes and put them in the kitchen sink to soak. I always intend to wash them, but often get busy doing other things. When Lenny gets up and goes into the kitchen, he sees the dirty bowls in the sink and has a cow.
I think he should be glad I'm getting a head start on the cleaning, but he thinks I don't appreciate him because I leave the bowls in the sink for him to wash.
That is not the case. I was taught to soak dirty dishes because it helps in the washing. Who is right? — Dirty Debbie
Dear Debbie: Soaking dishes is always a good way to remove crusted-on food, but your husband interprets it to mean you want HIM to wash them. And since he inevitably ends up doing so, we can't argue with his logic. This could easily be resolved if you soaked the cat bowls before going to bed and washed them when you got up in the morning. Or, when your husband sees them, he simply tells you that the dishes have soaked long enough and then YOU jump right in and take care of it. This is a minor dispute, and we're certain you can find a way to make it less annoying. Too bad you can't teach the cats to clean their own dishes.
Dear Annie: Like "Loyal Reader in Florida," I also think it is extremely important for everyone to find out about their extended family's medical history. Alas, I can't even get the most basic information, as I am adopted. I stand a better chance of receiving top secret military information from the Pentagon.
I'm in my 50s, and this incomplete knowledge has had a negative impact on my medical care. May I suggest that medical records be given to adoptive parents and a way established to automatically keep these parents (and the adopted child) informed as to later developments in the biological parents' health? For example, if the father has a heart attack when he's older, or the mother develops breast cancer or Alzheimer's disease decades after giving up the child, or either parent later has a genetically handicapped child, there needs to be a way to get this information to the adoptee. Our health depends upon it. — Baby Girl Born in 1955
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM
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8 Comments | Post Comment
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To Dirty Debbie with the cat bowl in the sink:
1. Set a timer when you put dishes in to soak. You will remember them and deal with them when it goes off. Problem solved.
2. Tell Lenny he is in desperate need of a life. There is a big, ugly world that could use some volunteer energy, the energy he is now wasting throwing mini tantrums about dishes in the sink. Maybe if he has a larger view of the world he won't be so petty.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ed
Wed Oct 28, 2009 3:18 AM
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Setting a kitchen timer is exactly the same idea I had! (So long as she stays close enough to hear it.) She could also skip the soaking and just wash the dishes. It would take a little extra effort and hot water, but if it demonstrates good will to hubby then it might be worth it. On the other hand, yes, it is silly for him to have such a fit over such a minor thing and no doubt some volunteer work would be an excellent antidote.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:07 AM
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2: Yes, a timer may be a good idea or even Annie's suggestion that she put them into the sink to soak before she goes to bed. She should tell hubby that if he sees the bowls in the sink, he should simply remind her to wash them right then rather than wash them himself. By immediately washing them herself when he reminds her, she will be showing her own good will. If they've been soaking, it should take her a minimum amount of time to finish washing them; so she should be willing to drop anything else she's doing and wash them immediately when hubby reminds her.
Yes, it's a small thing, but these little annoyances can gain momentum. Personally, if I want to cook, I hate seeing gross things in my sink. If I were in the husband's situation, I'd see a dirty, gross thing in my sink and I still haven't had my breakfast yet (or coffee). I'd be thinking, "Great, I haven't even had my coffee yet and I have to wash these disgusting cat dishes first." If it were just my spouse's breakfast dishes, I'd be fine. I don't like washing animal dishes along with people dishes. I'd have to wash the cat dishes and then disinfect the sink area before I could do anything else. What a thing to wake up to. I'm siding with the husband on this one.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:46 AM
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In response to Baby Girl Born in 1955:
The idea of some kind of health info update system is fantastic, but getting birth families to participate would be nearly impossible. When my infant daughter had serious medical problems last year, my adoptive family refused to sign the papers to allow the state to contact my birth family for medical history. My birth mother was very young when I was born and I didn't want to interfere with her life, so I found her mother and called to ask for help. I never even got the chance to explain why I called before she hung up on me. Fortunately, the doctors were able to save my daughter from an inherited condition I didn't know I carried. Had I known, I would never have had biological children. My daughter will struggle with her health her entire life.
I'm sure some birth families are genuinely concerned with the well-being of the children they give up, but for a lot of us, we're just trash they threw away, not people. Expecting them to make the effort to provide medical information is asking far too much.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Anne
Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:00 AM
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Don't these people have a dishwasher? I've had one in every house or apartment I've lived in since 1971. I pick up my cat's bowls every morning, let them soak if need be, and then put them in the dishwasher. With today's powerful dishwashers, I don't really need to let them soak. I bought several dessert bowls at a dollar store just for canned cat food, so they always have clean bowls. As far as the hygiene aspect, there's probably more germs on people dishes and they're more likely to catch something from us than vice versa. The fact that LW1's husband has a "cow" every morning and she still forgets sounds like she's a bit passive aggressive.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Oct 28, 2009 10:43 AM
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Dear God,
If I am actually able to retire someday and I turn into Lenny and stress over cat food bowls please kill me.
Thank you.
Rick
Comment: #6
Posted by: Rick
Wed Oct 28, 2009 4:07 PM
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Re: baby born in 1955, it seems to me, if a person isn't smart enough to not get pregnant, they probably won't be thinking about their family history of illnesses ans diseases. So many kids under normal circumstances dont' give a hoot about grandparents, great-grands, and they certainly are not going to become more perceptive when they have a child as a teenager. Also, if a young girl is giving up her child, the chances are very slim she is even on speaking terms with the FOB, much less sitting him down and getting an entire family history. Finally, but the time the birth parents age and get to a point in their lives that they have inheireted health problems, it is probably to late to do anything in the was of prevention in the child they gave up 30-40 years before. You would have to have thoughtful, intuitive, intelligent birth parent to tally all the information an adoptive parent would need, and if the kid is that smart...they won't be getting pregnent anyway.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Tracy
Wed Oct 28, 2009 7:18 PM
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The attitudes in the letter and by these respondents explain why those who get pregnant and do not choose to be parents will sometimes choose abortion instead of adoption. I have worked with women in these situations and heard it many times. To give up a child takes courage and these are not all "stupid teenagers." If they felt able to be parents, they would have kept the child. For the children to demand access to their lives later has often caused great pain and disruption. A list of known family health problems at the time of birth should go with the children if possible, but to demand access to birth parents all through their lives if they do not choose it is unfair. Birth parents sometimes should just be considered and respected as a egg/sperm donors, and should be allowed their privacy if they choose. Just giving birth doesn't make someone family, and as these adopted people mature, it is to be hoped they will finally understand without judgment and condemnation. As for the comment about trash, those who really considered an unexpected child trash have actually treated them as trash, as many news stories have revealed. Those who have the child under difficult circumstances, giving him/her away when safely born have displayed a respect for life that deserves acknowledgment. As for health issues, sometimes they come out of the blue and all the records in the world won't prevent that.
Comment: #8
Posted by: julia
Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:18 AM
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