Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Dear Annie: I married "Dean" nine years ago. It was a second marriage for both of us. Soon after we wed, he said we would split all expenses 50-50. However, the house is in his name, and he will not put my name on the deed since I can't match "his" down payment, even though I pay him rent each month.

Everything we do, I have to pay half. He and his teenage son went on a two-week vacation, and I couldn't go because I couldn't afford my share. Today I am really steamed because he took a group of friends out to lunch and paid for them. But when we go out, I have to pay my own way. He lavishes money on his only child and donates to civic organizations, but I get nothing. He only gives me a gift when I give him one of equal value.

We have no joint accounts. I currently have a large debt, so I am pretty strapped, but in two years that will be paid off. I feel like a second-class citizen. I know Dean loves me — but I come after his son, his job, his employees, his computer and his civic organizations. His bank accounts are getting fatter, and I am barely scraping by. Is this a marriage or a lord/serf relationship? — Indentured Servant

Dear Servant: It sounds like a lopsided business arrangement. It's certainly not our idea of a loving marriage where partners should take care of each other instead of sending them a bill for expenses. A good partnership is 50-50, but the contribution doesn't have to be money. It can mean household chores, child care, etc. And when one partner has a higher income and fewer debts than the other, it is unfair to expect an equal financial arrangement. Dean is treating you as an inferior, and it is building resentment. Tell him the marriage is in serious trouble and you'd like to go for counseling. If he won't go, go without him. You might also want to see an attorney.

Having everything in his name puts you in a risky position.

Dear Annie: My husband passed away 18 years ago. On the anniversary of his passing, I put a memorial notice in our local paper.

Now I have been told this was in bad taste. My feelings are hurt, and I wonder if I did something wrong. What is your opinion? — Still Remembering Him

Dear Remembering: It is perfectly proper to put in a memorial notice if you so wish. Stop worrying. You did nothing wrong.

Dear Annie: I had some bad memories rise up to the surface when I read the letter from "Mother of a Tomboy." My paternal grandmother always expected me to look and act like a perfect little lady. Every time my brother and I went to see her, she thought it was her duty to wash and roll up my hair. She made me wear those awful curlers all day, fussing at me when I lost one after playing with my brother. Before we left, she would finally take out the curlers, fix my hair in an old-fashioned hairstyle and lacquer it down with tons of hairspray.

Nothing I ever wore was feminine enough. My weight was never right, and she didn't like me to eat too much of anything, including fruit. I begged Mom to make Granny stop doing my hair, and she finally did. Although years later, she got her revenge when she convinced me to let her give me a perm and accidentally burned half my hair off.

Fortunately, I learned to like myself fine as I am. That grandmother should enjoy her tomboy granddaughter and not create terrible memories like the ones I have. — Lubbock, Texas

Dear Lubbock: If your grandmother had known how negatively you would remember her, we trust she would have done things differently.

Dear Readers: Today is Mother-in-Law Day. Please give yours a call.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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