Dear Annie: A year ago, my son ended his marriage to a woman I liked very much. Since then, he has become engaged to "Julia."
Julia has no social graces. She doesn't look at you when you speak to her and never says "please" or "thank you." In fact, she rarely speaks at all. I recently spent an entire day at her apartment, and she never said a word. She watched TV and made herself lunch (without asking if I wanted anything).
My son says Julia is afraid of people and is working on her shyness. I realize I have no say in the matter, but they are planning to marry soon and I don't think it's a good idea. I worry my son is on the rebound. I don't like this girl and I've tried. I've taken her out to eat and attempted to engage her in conversation, to no avail. She is borderline rude to me, and I think she has some mental health issues, as well.
My son constantly asks me what I think of Julia. I'm afraid if I voice my opinion, I will lose him, but it feels as if I am lying. What should I do? — Loving Mother
Dear Mother: There are ways to voice your opinion diplomatically. Don't criticize Julia. Simply say you are concerned that they are rushing into marriage, and while it is not uncommon for this to happen after a divorce, it often ends badly. Tell him he and Julia deserve to take the time to be sure they are making the right decision because, hopefully, it is for the rest of their lives. Then do the best you can to find something to like about the girl. Draw her out by giving her a small compliment and then asking her to assist you with something, handing out sincere smidgens of praise as you go. She needs to believe she is safe with you.
Dear Annie: My 24-year-old grandson was diagnosed as bipolar several years ago. He also has hallucinations that people are trying to kill him. He lives at home, sees a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and is on medication.
His parents can't get any help for him.
Doctors don't want to talk to them about him, and there seems to be no place they can go. They live in Phoenix. Can you help? — California Grandmother
Dear California: If your grandson is already seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist and is on medication, we're not sure what additional help you are looking for. If the medication isn't working, that should be discussed with the psychiatrist. However, families also need emotional support. Please suggest they contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org) or NAMI Arizona at 1-800-626-5022 and the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (dbsalliance.org) at 1-800-826-3632.
Dear Annie: This is for "Looking Vs. Imagining," who claims women like to read romance novels and it's the same as men looking at porn. I am a woman, and I do not care for romance novels in the least. I like murder mysteries. (I am not sure what that indicates about my "fantasies.")
I doubt very much that romance readers seek the kind of titillation that attracts porn viewers. Romance novels typically have endings that leave the characters living happily ever after — it's all about love and commitment, which is the antithesis of porn. I believe people who like romance fiction are probably seeking order and happiness in a chaotic world. — Miss V.
Dear Miss V.: An interesting theory. Thanks for sharing it.
Annie's Snippet for Patriot Day (Credit Adlai Stevenson): When an American says that he loves his country, he means not only that he loves the New England hills, the prairies glistening in the sun, the wide and rising plains, the great mountains, and the sea. He means that he loves an inner air, an inner light in which freedom lives and in which a man can draw the breath of self-respect.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM
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First of all I'd like to comment on the advice you gave to Ms. V on September 11, 2009. I agree that her grandson should be under a psychiatrist's care and on proper medications but I don't agree that the Alliance for the Mentally Ill will be of help. My mother was bipolar and I went to them for help. Instead of helping they began soliciting me for money all the time to help their causes. After my mother died I wrote them and asked why they didn't have support groups for the children of the mentally ill but they ignored my letter. Unfortunately the belief seems to be that all mentally ill are under the care of their parents. They were callous to my situation. I don't think they are the kind of organization who helps individuals. They seem to be mainly concerned with making political changes regarding the large numbers of mentally ill people in our jail system. While that is admirable my experience with them was a lack of interest in individual cases.
Secondly I disagree with the Snippet you printed (credited to Adlai Stevenson). How can we draw a breath of self respect. We really don't have the freedom in this country that everyone is always claiming. How can we? We are all indentured to utility companies, etc. From the first day we go to school we are part of a system most citizens don't even have control over. While in college I took a computer test to find out what I would be best suited to do for a living. I soon found out how much control "Business" has over what children learn in school as they are being groomed to be "Business" workers when they grow up. That is not freedom.
Sign me irritated with misinformation
Comment: #1
Posted by: cindy
Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:06 AM
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Miss V's "theory" concerning porn versus romance is 100% right! Porn exists only for one thing -- physical gratification -- a far cry from the love and committment that normal relationships have.
I think Julie's problem goes beyond lack of social graces. The mother has already tried to make friends with her, and Julie has made it obvious that she doesn't care to respond. I had a former sister-in-law like that. The first time we met she literally ran out of the house and wouldn't come back until we had left. Over the years she defrosted to the point of being able to tolerate us as guests in her home for a short time, but I was never really welcomed or liked by her. (It wasn't just me, she was that way with most new people, and I never discovered what her problem was.) In LW1's case there's nothing for the mother to do except continue to be polite and friendly, so that when this marriage ends Julie (and also the son) won't have anything to blame the mother for. I'm sorry to be so pessimistic -- I hope I'm wrong, but the situation doesn't sound good at all. A suggestion -- perhaps the son thinks he's "rescuing" Julie from her miserable life -- she seems like a very unhappy person. The son might have to find out the hard way that rescueing someone isn't a good basis for a marriage.
Comment: #2
Posted by: pinetree
Fri Sep 11, 2009 5:32 AM
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I meant to separate my comments into paragraphs, sorry -- I know that the letter about Julie and the letter from Miss V are two seperate issues!
Comment: #3
Posted by: pinetree
Fri Sep 11, 2009 5:33 AM
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My son had a girlfriend several years ago who wouldn't make eye contact or talk to us much. We were at his grandparents and he was talking to everyone in his usual animated way, and she walked up and attached herself to his arm and stared at the floor. Later, he told me that she was shy. I told him that shyness is NO excuse for bad manners. Thankfully, he got away from her. I think the LW should tell her son how he feels. If the girl can't shake this off, she needs help from a professional.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Sep 11, 2009 7:56 AM
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Julia sounds like a classic case of Asperger's Syndrome. People with AS do not have the innate ability to read social cues and often appear shy/withdrawn. It sounds like Mom already has an inkling of this, with her comment about "mental health issues". If that's the case, then Mom ought to cut Julia some slack and perhaps model the good manners she would like to see. Yes, I know it's not her JOB to teach this woman social graces, but it's such a small thing that might actually relieve the pressure for everyone.
Comment: #5
Posted by: TimTam
Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:32 AM
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For the LW whose friend's son was diagnosed with bipolar, here's my advice: get a second opinion. Someone close to me was misdiagnosed with the same thing. It turns out he had schizophrenia, not bipolar disease. The hallucinations described in the letter remind me of symptoms of this former disease. If there is a misdiagnosis the medication and therapy is most possibly not doing any good at all. It's worth it to double check, just to be sure. Mental health disorders which go unchecked or misdiagnosed for long periods of time may become irreversible or harder to treat, so time is of the essence as well. Don't delay. Good luck to you, this is a trying ordeal for those involved, but it can get better.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:16 PM
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Dear Annie:
I about fell out of my seat when I read "California Grandmother." Like her grandson, I too am a 24 year old with bipolar disorder that triggers hallucinations. It showed up at 18 and I went through about a dozen diagnoses before my doctors finally found the right one and, thus, were able to find the proper medications. Now I am a loving mother who is able to not only stand on her own to feet, but is able to support a son and pursue a college degree as well. My advice, from experience, is that he needs emotional support so that he can become his own advocate. This will lessen the burden on parents and child alike. I was lucky enough to have parents who were understanding and not the least bit judgmental about mental illness. Once I accepted that it was okay to talk to them, it became easier to talk to the doctors. Psychiatrists can only work with what you tell them and what they can deduce in short sessions, so it is important for her grandson to open up about his symptoms, no matter how embarrassed he may feel. Also, many doctors are just pill-pushers and it takes time and research to find the right one. It's not all about medicines. Amazingly enough, changes in everything from daily routines to the foods one eats can actually help. I found my saving grace at the Cleveland Clinic, which I understand would probably be impossible for someone from Phoenix, but perhaps a phone call to them could yield some good advice on other clinics using their techniques. Finally, I recommend that they buy a copy of the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 4). It's the book that psychiatrists use to diagnose patients. Misdiagnosis is so rampant in the mental health field that it is incredibly beneficial to be able to fully understand a diagnosis and be able to personally compare the book's symptoms to one's own. In the end, I basically diagnosed myself. Good luck to grandmother, grandson, and parents. There is hope. Don't settle.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Phoenix from Ashes
Fri Sep 11, 2009 8:03 PM
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Julia surely feels that her future mother-in-law hates her so she avoids talking to her. This is rude but since Julia is shy her only way to deal with negative people is to avoid them. If her son decided to get married to Julia it's his choice and mother should respect that. It's clear that the mother has issues here and that she is bitter and hostile because her son didn't get married to a woman of her choice.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Tasa
Sat Sep 12, 2009 12:33 AM
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I totally agree with the response posted by TimTam. Julia definitely sounds like a person with Asperger's Syndrome and she needs help and understanding. Hopefully she'll be able to get professional help so that she can understand what is going on in her life. Aspergians are often considered rude, they can't look people in the eye, etc., but with help they can often become more sociable. Mother should read books regarding the condition and be as helpful as possible. This could be a turning point in Julia's life.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Clara Lutz
Sat Sep 12, 2009 5:19 PM
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The people who feel dissatisfied with the Annie's advice to "Loving Mother", who feel the prospective daughter-in-law to be inexcusable, clearly have no idea of what true shyness feels like. They aren't aware of the degree of pain, felt as actual physical pain, usually in the stomach and chest, before and during a social encounter. They don't know how the throat can tighten so much that no voice, much less a hearty welcoming one, can emerge. They don't feel the frantic churning of the mind, trying to find something to say, rejecting everything and becoming more futile with each go 'round. Almost everybody's felt some bit of this before, but to not the paralyzing degree of intensity and completeness. Moreover, more extroverted people can push past reactions like these because there is a reward to strive for. By some way that social psychologists have observed but not explained, they will draw energy from the encounter. They will end feeling refreshed, if not invigorated. For the introvert, the only expected result can be feeling drained and exhausted. Being noticed, receiving attention does not enliven them at all.
Julia's degree of shyness is apparently such that she and her fiance will have some challenges around it. There is never anything wrong with any loving relative delicately asking recently engaged people if they are fully prepared for the commitment ahead. But this mother has aligned herself with the past already -- she's still wishing her son was married to his ex-wife. I doubt either he or Julia have failed to notice that. Is there perhaps another close relative to whom she could delegate the diplomatic inquiry? I doubt she's up to it.
Comment: #10
Posted by: V W
Tue Jul 27, 2010 9:48 PM
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