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Annie's Mailbox®, June 19
Dear Annie: I am 19 years old and in a very committed relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together two years. When we had been dating only six months, I had an abortion because we just weren't ready for kids. But I'm going to be 20 soon and feel I'm ready for a baby. I plan on being with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. I know I'm young, but all of my friends have already had a baby or are expecting one. I hear it's hard, but that being a mother is the greatest thing in the world.
I'm ready to take on the responsibilities of motherhood. I would tell my boyfriend, but I'm afraid he'll think I'm stupid. He absolutely adores kids, and I know he'd be a great father, but I don't think he's ready for his own child. How can I tell him that I want a baby without upsetting him? — Baby Mama
Dear Baby: We know it's hard to resist having a baby when all your friends have them, but that's not a good reason. Child-rearing is a tremendous amount of work, and if you're a halfway decent parent, nearly every waking moment will be spent dealing with your child, who must be cared for 24 hours a day. If you start having babies now, your life will change permanently and there is no going back. Also, it could be too much for your boyfriend, who obviously isn't ready for a child, and he might leave.
Yes, children can be wonderful, but they are an enormous responsibility and expensive to raise. Before getting pregnant, why don't you ask to babysit one of your friends' infants for a full day and see how exhausting it can be. You might decide to give yourself a few more years of independence.
Dear Annie: My beautiful, financially secure 69-year-old mother has found the love of her life. We are pleased these two people have found each other.
His grown children, however, have badgered their father about a prenuptial agreement, have "uninvited" my mother to events, thrown fits about the upcoming wedding and been generally unsupportive. My mother's companion has been consistent in setting boundaries with his errant children, but it has left a bitter taste for these people we haven't even met. Making enemies is not honoring their father, and it's causing stress. Can't our parents have a little peace and joy in the last years they have on this earth? They might even find some new friends in our family. — Memphis Daughter
Dear Memphis: Not all children are as generous of spirit as you. As long as Dad has set boundaries, their approval, while appreciated, is not necessary. Perhaps when they get to know your mother better, they will come around. We hope so.
Dear Annie: I completely agree with your answer to "Shocked in Missouri," who destroyed old letters from her father-in-law. Even without knowing what was in the letters, I'm not sure I could ever forgive my wife for getting rid of them. They would have been part of my life, not hers, and not her decision to make. Those letters could hold information that would fill a void in my life. I might also see things in a totally different light that would bring closure. She should have done as you suggested and put them aside for a later time.
As a genealogist, such actions are deplorable. Those histories of a family may not be replaceable, and they provide valuable information, positive or negative. We all have closet stories, but that is part of life. Hiding it is not healthy. I hope "Shocked" won't be upset someday if her husband destroys her family letters. She would deserve it. — Shocked Even More
Dear Shocked: Most of our readers believe this showed outrageous gall on the part of the wife, but we know she did it out of love and concern — albeit misguided.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: This teenager (ALMOST 20) thinks she's ready for a baby, but she's not ready for marriage? Why is she putting the cart before the horse? If her bf were ready for any kind of commitment (which we ALL know is what a baby entails), he'd ask her to marry him and spend their lives together. Since they aren't married, I have to assume he isn't ready for a life long commitment. (I'm sure the lw would say "YES!" in an instant if he did ask.) This girl is seeing all her friends with their babies and it just looks so cool. I know, I love looking at the baby sections of department stores. The little outfits are the sweetest things. Just imagining holding a sweet smelling, warm little body wearing one of them gives me the nicest feeling. But having those moments also means caring and responsibility 24/7. And it's not all sweetness and light. It's also sickness, bills, laundry, and on an on for the next 18 to 20 years. And bf is NOT ready for that and neither in the teenager who wrote this letter. Is she trying to trap this guy? As for "borrowing" a friend's infant for a day, it sounds like an idea. However, I'd never "loan out" MY infant to an inexperienced teenager - EVER. I might let her come over and help me care for the baby a few days, but I'd never leave her alone unless I knew for sure she knew what she was doing. No, on second thought, I just couldn't do it even then.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Thu Jun 18, 2009 9:48 PM
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Memphis daughter, who's mom found a good man but his kids object. Usually kids object to an older parent marrying because they fear that their inheritance will go to the new wife. Tough. But if the couple makes out a will that gives a fair share to all children (after both the old folks are gone) that might set their minds at ease. If not, state that the lion's share of money goes to the kids who are civil to both Dad and the new Mom. To heck with selfish kids who don't want Dad to be happy.
Comment: #2
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:06 AM
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This is for Baby Mama, The desire to have a baby after an abortion is very strong and understandable. It stems from grief and empty arms. I have heard several women talk about it after an abortion and felt it myself. Please put your future children first-give them a stable home with adults that have good jobs. I am an adopted mother of two children and it is nearly impossible to raise children without negitive imput from the community-supplying alcohol, girl-boy overnights, etc. This is by first lying to the parents. You will need a partner with whom you can stand strong and who will support you. I got throuh this peiod by making baby blankets for new mothers and one also for my future children. God Bless you.
Comment: #3
Posted by: I feel your pain
Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 AM
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Re: sarah stravinska -- I agree to a certain extent. However, sometimes one parent brings certain assets and family heirlooms into the marriage (either before or after). If mom has inherited various items from her family, then those things should certainly go to her children, not a new wife's heirs. That would be a reason for a prenupt to make sure the new wife is aware of the situation. For example, if the dad's house was inherited from or paid for by the first wife's family and the dad dies, the new wife should not be kicked out of the home she shared with him. However, her children should not inherit that house. The new wife should only inherit a "life estate" to be able to remain in the house for the remainder of her life. The dad's children should inherit it because it came from their mom's family. Personal items that had belonged to their mom should also go to them. Obviously, the same would be done on the new wife's behalf regarding her assets and her children. I've seen cases where the second spouse's children ended up with everything because there was no prenupt and no will (or in one case a new will signed by the dad in a nursing home when he was suffering from Alzheimer's or a similar problem.) While I think it's unfair and selfish for kids to object to a widowed parent's dating and remarrying, the parent should make sure of their inheritance at least of their own mom's assets.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:28 AM
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Re: Pat-tricia: I agree with you but for very different reasons. This girl (not yet a woman) needs to realize that having children is a huge and lifetime responsibility and that she may wind up missing great "party" years which she will never be able to reclaim later. However, Marriage is not the key element here, it is age and level of maturity. Even if someone gets married, divorce is still around the corner. Marriage does not gaurantee anything anymore, unfortunately. But having kids? Whether you hate the guy or love him to death, if you have kids with the man you'll have to deal with him for the rest of your life, or his. So this girl better think twice, think hard, then think again before marrying or having kids at all. She should enjoy the relationship, which seems to be going well for her, and act her own age, not someone who's 5 or even 10 years older than her. Heck, I'm 32 and pregnant with my first child, after almost 4 years of marriage. I hope she reads our comments. Oh and yeah, I'd supervise her with my child too, but I'd let her see what it's like and give her a chance before judging her. Many teenagers make great babysitters.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Fri Jun 19, 2009 2:23 PM
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LW1: Deciding to have a baby because all your friends have one or are expecting one is a decision based on *the worst* possible reason to have a baby. Talk to your friends and ask them how much sleep they get, when they were out on their own or been to a party last time, and whether they ever miss their BC (Before Child) days and why (or why not). Then decide whether you are ready for chronic sleep deprivation that may go on for months, no time for yourself, and possibly complete financial dependence on your boyfriend since it is hard to imagine that at age 20 you have sufficient education and skills to earn adequate living for yourself and your child on your own. Considering having a child with a man who has not committed himself to you (through marriage or other partnership) is also very unwise.
Marie-Claude, I agree that marriage is no guarantee of anything, but at least the dissolution of a legalized relationship involves the division of marital assets and an easier (albeit not guaranteed) access to child support.
Oh, and babysitting, even for a whole day, is still not a good test of readiness for motherhood. Mothers and fathers don't babysit. They parent. A babysitter may read a book or watch TV while the baby is sleeping. A parent needs to work, or study, or both, and clean the house, do the laundry, cook, etc. while the baby is sleeping. A babysitter goes home and gets a full night of sleep after a day of babysitting. A parent may need to wake up several times a night, especially with infants. A babysitter, if she/he doesn't enjoy the experience, can walk away and never try it again. A parent has to do the job of parenting day in and day out for at least 18 years, whether they like it or not. A baby is not a pair of shoes. You can't return him/her for a refund or exchange if you find out that being a parent does not quite fit with your lifestyle.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Jun 19, 2009 4:03 PM
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Re: Marie-Claude -- I absolutely agree with you about marriage. My point was that if they aren't even ready for a truly committed marriage, they aren't ready for a child since that is a committment they can't just walk away from as they could walk away from a marriage. But to be fair, some single parent homes are far better for a child than a home with parents who can't get along and who may actually hate each other. But I'd like a child to at least start off life having two parents who love each other and are in a truly committed relationship (which in my book means marriage). While I have known some apparently successful couples who started marriage at a really young age, I think that is the exception. I recall a young student once who told me she wanted to quit school and get married. She said her mom was only 16 when she got married; so she should be able to also. I reminded her of all she'd be missing if she married so young and asked her if she still liked the same foods, books, and tv shows now that she did at the age of 8 or 9. She said no, of course not. I said her likes and dislikes would also change a lot in the next 10 years because she was still growing up and that she may not even share the same likes, dislikes, and goals as her then boyfriend (future husband) in 10 years since his tastes would be changing too. She started to protest and then said, "Well my parents are divorced." This was the couple who married when the wife was 16. The student finally realized what I was saying was true.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Jun 19, 2009 6:40 PM
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i don't believe in abortions and i think she could have given the baby up for an adoption. she needs to wait until she is married for a couple of years and then decide if she is ready to have a baby.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Amanda
Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:26 PM
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i'm not being judgemental towards the girl about the abortion she had i just want her to be sure she is ready.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Amanda
Sat Jun 20, 2009 12:30 PM
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