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Annie's Mailbox®, June 16
Dear Annie: I'm a 15-year-old girl whose mom is her worst enemy. Mom and I haven't really connected over the past few years. We drive each other crazy, and both of us say hurtful things like, "I don't care about you" or "You are ruining my life."
Lately, things have gotten worse. She doesn't trust me at all. She reads my e-mail and text messages, and hovers when my boyfriend is around. I have an older brother who has a great relationship with Mom. I really want to get along with her again and be trusted. It's important that she be a part of my life. What can I do? — Concerned Daughter
Dear Daughter: Relationships between teenage girls and their mothers can be complicated, and sometimes the reason is because you are too much alike, reacting in similar ways when upset or angry. Try to find a calm moment to talk to Mom. Tell her you love her. Say that she is important to you, and ask how you can make your relationship closer. She was once a teenage girl and may have a more comprehensive idea of the challenges facing you. But you can also remind her of how difficult it is to navigate through these years, and a closer, less discordant bond would help. You also can discuss this problem with your school counselor, close relative or a friend's mother.
Dear Annie: My niece was married in a big wedding several years ago. They divorced after two years, and she was soon living with someone else. She's been with the current guy for three years, and he finally popped the question. Big deal.
I thought surely there would be no showers for this second go-round, but a few days ago I received an invitation. I think this is in very poor taste. They both have excellent jobs and own a house. They have everything they need. Am I wrong to resent being invited to another shower? — Very Irritated
Dear Irritated: It is not uncommon to have bridal showers for second-time brides, but those who were invited to a previous shower are not obligated to bring a second gift. The purpose is not to help furnish the home, which is presumably stocked sufficiently. Instead, such shower gifts often include theater tickets, bottles of wine, etc. Since this is your niece, you may wish to bring something small but heartfelt, although we get the distinct impression that "heartfelt" may be difficult.
Dear Annie: You missed the boat with "Sexless Lady," whose husband only has makeup sex. You didn't address the possibility that he's just given up.
My wife could have written that letter. When we first met, she dressed sexy, and we made love everywhere — in a closet, in the car, at the lake. After we married and had kids, she changed. Fifteen years later, we have sex at 10 p.m. on Saturday night, under the covers with the lights off. She sleeps in a cotton nightgown that goes from neck to ankle. I haven't seen her cleavage in 13 years. My wife is attractive at 45, but to her, sex is a chore. I went to a marriage counselor, read books, bought marital aids, tried to romance her, but it didn't help.
It's been three years since I initiated sex. I am staying for the kids and have let her believe my sex drive disappeared. One day, I will leave and find a woman who doesn't see fondling as perverted, who dresses with sex appeal and who might cook breakfast in the nude. Ladies, sex starts with the mind. If you aren't into it, he will find someone who is. — Just Waiting
Dear Just: We'd be happy to start a National Married No Excuse Sex Day, but once a year doesn't seem sufficient. And it won't encourage your wife to dress in a more sexually provocative manner. Have you told her? If not, please do.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Comments
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12 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2 should decline to go to her nieces shower. Wedding showers are not just about hoarding gifts. They are about wishing the couple well. It's apparent by the 'big deal' that this aunt does not wish her niece well at all. Her being there would just spread a gloom over the affair. If a family member of mine went through the hell of a divorce and were ready to try at happiness again, I'd be there with a $20 toaster or whatever else they asked for. Appropriate or not, would it really kill her to show support?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Datura
Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:10 PM
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When I got married the 2nd time, I had a shower in my husband's hometown, but I didn't want anybody in my family or circle of friends to feel obligated to get me another gift, since I'd had a nice shower the first time. My cousin insisted on giving me a shower, so I asked her to call it a "tea." One of my never-married aunts didn't get me anything, though she came. Now, she's 91, and I go see her every couple of weeks. I buy her Christmas and birthday gifts, run errands, help clean her apartment, take her places, etc. She never buys anybody a gift--hasn't since she was in her 50s. She's lucky to have my cousin and me to take care of her. I don't care how many times my nieces/nephews get married. I'll always give them something, because I love them. I hope the LW never gets old and needs help from this niece. The main reason I help my aunt is so that all her care doesn't fall on my cousin. I certainly don't feel like I owe her anything.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:28 PM
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Dressing sexy and cooking breakfast in the nude is one of those, "not in front of the kids" situations. Can they send the kids to Grandma's for the weekend every so often? And what kind of physical package is hubby bringing to the occasion?
Comment: #3
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Tue Jun 16, 2009 1:22 AM
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Exactly, Sarah.
I think he also needs to consider WHY sex has become a chore for his wife. He's "tried" romancing -- but what exactly does that mean? If she's not ravishing him because he sent her a dozen roses, perhaps that means she's tired from parenting, work and household responsibilities. My guess is that he's done all the short-term stuff that's supposed to lead directly to the bedroom, but that there's long-term stuff, stuff like cleaning up after dinner, feeling like he LIKES her as a person rather than just a body, sharing jokes with her, giving her more time to herself if she needs it, that will make her feel more loving to him. This is stuff you can't do for an afternoon and see payoff that night.
Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Jun 16, 2009 3:52 AM
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Just Waiting: You are definitely doing the right thing. The look on your wife's face when you leave her will be priceless. Women genuinely don't care if their husband's sexual needs are met or not. Here are a few pointers for you. You need to see a lawyer about how to structure your affairs for the upcoming divorce. Take all the vacations you want now. Fully mortgage up the house and spend the money. Most importantly, quit your job so she will have to pay you support. Also, never get married. It is the surest way for a woman to lose her sex drive.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Ben
Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:34 AM
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Ben, a little bitter, huh? Yes, there ARE two sides, and I have been on both. My marriage of 24yrs was hell. He wanted SEX all the time, but no time for lovemaking. I asked him to stay in the car and neck and send the kids in the house, too cold. Lets go away for a weekend, too expensive. Two kids, working as a nurse, house cleaning and SEX at 10pm without any kindness...THEN he goes after my girlfriends and FINALLY found one of his own! THANK GOD! Then my B/F, he had a bad back, a head ache, worry over his kids, allergies, or just something better on the computer or the TV!! Now I date, have fun and keep my eye out for 'someone special'. SEX can be very complicated and due to childhood issues or medical/physical/mental issues, it is amazing ANY couples can get along in that department!!
Comment: #6
Posted by: Katie
Tue Jun 16, 2009 5:59 AM
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For my second wedding I had a recipe shower, where everyone was asked to bring a favorite recipe to share with the bride. I didn't want anyone feeling obligated to bring gifts for a second wedding shower.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Breanna
Tue Jun 16, 2009 7:40 AM
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Ben, Katie, Jan: I feel sorry for all of you. I've been married for almost 4 years, am pregnant with my first child and LOVE having sex. It doesn't even need to be romantic, a quicky in the morning before coffee is great too! I think people get married for the wrong reasons or they think they have to conform to some kind of prototype of what the husband and wife roles are. I recently went on vacation (with my mom) and asked my husband sweetly to make sure that if the prostitutes mess up the bed he should change the sheets. He then asked if the strippers can perform on the coffee table or in the kitchen. We joke around like this all the time because it's what healthy, well-adjusted, non-insecure people do in a relationship built on trust, respect and love. I got home from vacation and then the sheets got messed up! This is not about sex. It's about power. Women think if they hold off on sex, they can control their man. But then they wind up insecure and jealous because they fear the guy will roam. It's just plain silly. As for men, well, I don't know, I'm not a guy, I can't speak for them.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Tue Jun 16, 2009 10:41 AM
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I've read dozens and dozens of letters just like LW3's. You know what the common death knell is? These six words: "After we married and had kids." Year after year, people just keep getting married and having kids, even though this is what it does to people. I am staying single (though in a LTR, and living separately) and got my tubes tied to keep precisely this kind of crap from happening to me. And people look at ME like I'M the crazy one.
Comment: #9
Posted by: JoJo
Tue Jun 16, 2009 1:46 PM
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Re: Marie-Claude --- I'm happy for you that you're enjoying your marriage. And you're right about the control issue with sex. It's certainly true that SOME women use it to control their husbands and that is definitely wrong. But as some of the posters here have pointed out, it isn't always about control. Sometimes it's about being dead tired after working at a job outside the home all day, coming home and doing the laundry, the housework, cooking and cleaning up, helping the kids with homework or driving them to school functions while a husband comes home and sits on his rear end watching tv and drinking a beer or two or more. Of course that's not every marriage. Sometimes the shoe is on the other foot. Sometimes it's about hormones (his or hers) or other medical problems. Sometimes it's about cheating or about some other problem that's keeping the couple apart. It's obviously not one thing that messes up every couple's sex life. Most of the couples having problems started out just fine but life's problems interfere. But learn from the letters and from the comments and don't take your own good relationship with your husband or your sex life for granted. I do wish you both a long and happy marriage. :-)
Comment: #10
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Tue Jun 16, 2009 8:25 PM
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Well, Just waiting....so sorry for you...and even sorrier for your wife. I "settled" for a man who was a lousy lover...but, he was a good person ( I thought) and had many good points. I married him...took on his debts, helped him with his looks like buying him a new wardrobe..and a good haircut and grooming...he was not handsome...I gave him everything...we had sex all the time..and I billed and cooed..telling him how wonderful he was...to build his self esteem...He never learned how to have good sex...he was clumsy, pinched and bruised and even cut me with his fingernails, each and everytime we had sex.....It got to the point that I hated having sex....it hurt !!!
Well,, with all my help., waiting on him hand and foot..and building his self esteem...he started sleeping around....and sending women MY money...
As soon as I found out...I certainly did stop sleeping with him....it took him about 2 years to move out after that...but, I did not know where "it" had been..and I was getting nowhere near him....A lot smarter...and poorer...I am free at last...I have to say...trying to please a man is the hardest work on earth..I am glad my stint at companionship is over....I will take my female buddies anytime...I will NEVER be that stupid again...When will men learn their happiness is their responsibility....not their wife's....
Comment: #11
Posted by: Midge
Wed Jun 17, 2009 12:22 AM
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LW3: It's weird how women think they can get their men to change when they can't, and men think their wives won't change when they will. Decades and children can turn any sex kitten into a grown up woman with more responsibility on her hands than fun. What do people think will happen when they get married and have kids? There are excellent examples of how this works all around us.
Comment: #12
Posted by: LouisaFinnell
Fri Jul 15, 2011 10:55 PM
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