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Annie's Mailbox®, June 15
Dear Annie: I am blessed with three grown children, all with wonderful children of their own. This sounds ideal, but I can't talk to them. I'm either boring them with stuff they don't care about or voicing feelings they don't want to hear.
A few months ago, I expressed disappointment when I was ignored on what should have been a special day for me. My daughter, the one I get along with best, told me she was only nice to me because of the children and had no interest in hearing that I was hurt. She used to call me twice a week and now it's twice in four months. The other two are cordial, but I never venture to talk about anything other than how great they are or how big the children are getting.
I never criticized my children and always encouraged whatever they wanted to accomplish. Now they never have time for me. Was I a bad parent all those years without knowing it? If I bring up the issue, I will be accused of being negative and whiny, but it's difficult to sound happy around them. I have a very supportive husband, a few close friends and many acquaintances who swear I'm the happiest, most generous person they know. I do a lot of volunteer work to get my mind off this because it makes me cry. What's a mother to do? — Help Needed in Florida
Dear Florida: Your children are only focused on themselves. This is, unfortunately, not uncommon. Parents also can become self-focused and not realize how negative they sound to others. So unburden yourself to a professional. Talk to your clergyperson. Cry and complain all you like to someone who will listen without judging, and you'll feel better. Then, when you speak to your children, you can be all sweetness and light and perhaps rebuild your relationship. It will be a bit more superficial than you want, but it is the best you're going to get right now.
Dear Annie: I have been engaged to a wonderful man for 18 months. We have a 6-month-old daughter, and I have a son from a previous marriage. My fiance loves both of the children. He is kind and an excellent provider, but he refuses to set a wedding date.
We are in counseling, and although we are making progress, we still haven't discussed marriage. I think if he has no intention of marrying me, we should end the engagement. He thinks I should continue to be patient until things are "closer to perfect." Should I move out until he is ready? — Fiancee Forever
Dear Fiancee: Things are never going to be perfect. Would you be happy if he continued to live with you without making a further commitment? If so, be patient. If not, bring this up specifically at your next counseling appointment and find out whether he's just temporarily gun-shy or has long-term issues with marrying you.
Dear Annie: Two thumbs up for your advice to "Lonely in Michigan," the 65-year-old widow without family. Communities of 55 and older residents have a great deal to offer. All are different, but mine offers choices of living arrangements from houses to assisted living to nursing home care, all on one campus. I own my own home and can use the complex restaurant and gym, join groups, go on trips, see movies and concerts, and participate in a huge range of activities. Apartment residents pay a larger monthly fee, and it includes one meal a day and maid service.
All residents have morning check-in service (notifying security that we are OK) and emergency pull cords in bedrooms and baths. Everyone here understands the adjustment newcomers make. — Widow With No Nearby Kin
Dear Widow: A lot of readers let us know how busy and happy they are living in such communities. Many of these places let you rent for a week or so before making a commitment. Anyone interested should do some research and check it out.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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14 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: Why is it that kids always go running to mom and dad for help when they need it but find it difficult to be in their presence for an hour or two a week or even a month? The children sound selfish. Thirty to forty years from now those children are going to wish they'd paid more attention to mom and dad and asked questions about how they felt about certain things and what their childhoods were like. But right now, their focus is on establishing their own lives and caring for their own children. Mom and dad have always been there and they just want them to leave them alone to live their own lives. It's really too bad. Perhaps the mom complains a lot or gossips and the kids are just tired of hearing all that stuff. Perhaps the lw should get her children together and ask them to be candid with her. She should tell them that since they obviously don't like spending time with her there must be a reason. Would they please tell her what it is that she does that makes them want to avoid her and she should promise not to be angry with them but would try to make improvements. I know that puts the kids on the spot but perhaps that's what they need. If things don't improve, I'd suggest she get on with her life and just settle for the little time they give her. But she should not go out of her way to be a door mat for them. -------------------------
LW2: Annie was right. Things are never going to be perfect. I wonder how the bf would define "perfect." It sounds as though this guy has some "control" issues. He's holding back on marriage until the lw gets things just right, or perfect, for him. If that's the case (and I think it is), she should end the engagement and any personal relationship with this guy. It's too bad they had a baby before they were certain enough about their relationship to marry. Now the lw is tied to this guy whether they end up married or not because they share a child. The question she asked Annie should be addressed in their counseling sessions. I suspect that if there were no baby, they wouldn't even be in counseling - they'd no longer be a couple.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sun Jun 14, 2009 10:47 PM
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Help Needed in Florida gave the game away in one sentence. "I never criticized them and always encouraged anything they wanted to do." No wonder they're "only thinking about themselves!" Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the "Self-esteem" movement!" This is what happens - and is happening everywhere - with parents who bought into the notion that children's feelings were so fragile that they couldn't bear to hear anything that wasn't totally positive about themselves. And this is the result: Grown up brats who believed the publicity, who put themselves at the center of everything because that's where their parents put them. It wasn't long ago that children were allowed to be children and not treated like small miracles of spun glass. Maybe in another generation, the children of these self-absorbed little monsters will get things back in balance. Let's hope!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:22 AM
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Help Needed in Florida gave away the game in one sentence: "I never criticized them and always supported everything they wanted to do." Well, NO WONDER, they "only think about themselves." Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the fruits of the Self-Esteem movement! When parents bought into the idea that children's feelings were so fragile that they could only bear to hear "sweetness and light" about themselves, that's when we got a whole generation of self-absorbed adults. Of course they think the world revolves around them because that's how their parents raised them. As the great philosopher "Anonymous" once said, "Duh!" Maybe in another generation, the children of these brats will grow up to restore a little balance. Let's hope!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:41 AM
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This sounds like a case of c onditional love to me.Mothers aren't human.We are not able to voice anything that is wrong .We're suppose to be the rocks. What happen. This isn't in all households,but a good majority of them.
The advicefrom Kathy and Marcy to get support and let it out to someone--but then to go back to these ungrates and be all warm and fuzzy and (Superficial). This behavior she will be having will be false and will be sent back to torment her psyche body,many repercussions.
Comment: #4
Posted by: susan
Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:11 AM
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This sounds like a case of conditional love. Where's Moms ?? Mothers are suppose to be Rocks (no Feelings)
Not in all cases.It seems to be rampant out there these days. Alot of ungrates with no time for the person they think will always be there for them. This mother ca n release her feelings but,if she is coming back after her
therapy session and is suippose to put on superficially,these feeling will boomerang right back to her soul.
This will not be a good affect. She can't change her ungrates ,she can only change herself for the better hopefully.
Comment: #5
Posted by: susan
Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:31 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence
Comment: #6
Posted by: susan
Mon Jun 15, 2009 5:40 AM
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LW1: there has to be more to the story. Having boring conversation with your parents is not a reason to avoid or talk to them less frequently. All three siblings talk less and less to their mother, in this case, the mother is the common denominator and she might be doing something she is not aware of.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Bonnie
Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:53 AM
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Help needed in florida: talk to your children and instead of telling them things they don't want to hear ask them about thier life. I believe you miss your children and should get in touch. They are no longer children but adults and I'm no expert but after watching people and sitting in on many family converstations, people will most often listen to things which might concern them. often my uncles and aunts will discus travel and travel methods and new parents will discus what they've been doing. Your role has changed from mother to friend and helpful parenting advice (maybe xD).
Fiancee Forever: If the father of your new child doesn't want to get married please don't force him. Some people don't want to get married and it is your job and societies job to accept that. My best friends mother is divorced and now with a wonderful man. They have a 2 kids, one is their own child, one from her previousm marriage like you. They are not married but still have a happy family. Marriage is just another way of proving your love and devotion towards the other person. If you are confident in your boyfriend/fiances loves for you, please stop worrying. He will propse/ choose a wedding day when he wants to.
To all people: Please talk to those around you, family and friends can sometimes offer the most amazing advice. If you think you need to see a shrink try writting it down on paper and then coming back to it later and seeing if their is anything you can do to change it. Emotions are a part of life, once disasterh happens you get a litle sad, then you have to decide what to do about it. That decision is yours alone but others can offer sujestions.
---14 years old and understanding.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Shadow-Kissed
Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:11 AM
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Help needed in florida: talk to your children and instead of telling them things they don't want to hear ask them about thier life. I believe you miss your children and should get in touch. They are no longer children but adults and I'm no expert but after watching people and sitting in on many family converstations, people will most often listen to things which might concern them. often my uncles and aunts will discus travel and travel methods and new parents will discus what they've been doing. Your role has changed from mother to friend and helpful parenting advice (maybe xD).
Fiancee Forever: If the father of your new child doesn't want to get married please don't force him. Some people don't want to get married and it is your job and societies job to accept that. My best friends mother is divorced and now with a wonderful man. They have a 2 kids, one is their own child, one from her previousm marriage like you. They are not married but still have a happy family. Marriage is just another way of proving your love and devotion towards the other person. If you are confident in your boyfriend/fiances loves for you, please stop worrying. He will propse/ choose a wedding day when he wants to.
To all people: Please talk to those around you, family and friends can sometimes offer the most amazing advice. If you think you need to see a shrink try writting it down on paper and then coming back to it later and seeing if their is anything you can do to change it. Emotions are a part of life, once disasterh happens you get a litle sad, then you have to decide what to do about it. That decision is yours alone but others can offer sujestions.
---14 years old and understanding.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Shadow-Kissed
Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:11 AM
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Help needed in florida: talk to your children and instead of telling them things they don't want to hear ask them about thier life. I believe you miss your children and should get in touch. They are no longer children but adults and I'm no expert but after watching people and sitting in on many family converstations, people will most often listen to things which might concern them. often my uncles and aunts will discus travel and travel methods and new parents will discus what they've been doing. Your role has changed from mother to friend and helpful parenting advice (maybe xD).
Fiancee Forever: If the father of your new child doesn't want to get married please don't force him. Some people don't want to get married and it is your job and societies job to accept that. My best friends mother is divorced and now with a wonderful man. They have a 2 kids, one is their own child, one from her previousm marriage like you. They are not married but still have a happy family. Marriage is just another way of proving your love and devotion towards the other person. If you are confident in your boyfriend/fiances loves for you, please stop worrying. He will propse/ choose a wedding day when he wants to.
To all people: Please talk to those around you, family and friends can sometimes offer the most amazing advice. If you think you need to see a shrink try writting it down on paper and then coming back to it later and seeing if their is anything you can do to change it. Emotions are a part of life, once disasterh happens you get a litle sad, then you have to decide what to do about it. That decision is yours alone but others can offer sujestions.
---14 years old and understanding.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Shadow-Kissed
Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:12 AM
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Help needed in florida: talk to your children and instead of telling them things they don't want to hear ask them about thier life. I believe you miss your children and should get in touch. They are no longer children but adults and I'm no expert but after watching people and sitting in on many family converstations, people will most often listen to things which might concern them. often my uncles and aunts will discus travel and travel methods and new parents will discus what they've been doing. Your role has changed from mother to friend and helpful parenting advice (maybe xD).
Fiancee Forever: If the father of your new child doesn't want to get married please don't force him. Some people don't want to get married and it is your job and societies job to accept that. My best friends mother is divorced and now with a wonderful man. They have a 2 kids, one is their own child, one from her previousm marriage like you. They are not married but still have a happy family. Marriage is just another way of proving your love and devotion towards the other person. If you are confident in your boyfriend/fiances loves for you, please stop worrying. He will propse/ choose a wedding day when he wants to.
To all people: Please talk to those around you, family and friends can sometimes offer the most amazing advice. If you think you need to see a shrink try writting it down on paper and then coming back to it later and seeing if their is anything you can do to change it. Emotions are a part of life, once disasterh happens you get a litle sad, then you have to decide what to do about it. That decision is yours alone but others can offer sujestions.
---14 years old and understanding.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Shadow-Kissed
Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:12 AM
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Help needed in florida: talk to your children and instead of telling them things they don't want to hear ask them about thier life. I believe you miss your children and should get in touch. They are no longer children but adults and I'm no expert but after watching people and sitting in on many family converstations, people will most often listen to things which might concern them. often my uncles and aunts will discus travel and travel methods and new parents will discus what they've been doing. Your role has changed from mother to friend and helpful parenting advice (maybe xD).
Fiancee Forever: If the father of your new child doesn't want to get married please don't force him. Some people don't want to get married and it is your job and societies job to accept that. My best friends mother is divorced and now with a wonderful man. They have a 2 kids, one is their own child, one from her previousm marriage like you. They are not married but still have a happy family. Marriage is just another way of proving your love and devotion towards the other person. If you are confident in your boyfriend/fiances loves for you, please stop worrying. He will propse/ choose a wedding day when he wants to.
To all people: Please talk to those around you, family and friends can sometimes offer the most amazing advice. If you think you need to see a shrink try writting it down on paper and then coming back to it later and seeing if their is anything you can do to change it. Emotions are a part of life, once disasterh happens you get a litle sad, then you have to decide what to do about it. That decision is yours alone but others can offer sujestions.
---14 years old and understanding.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Shadow-Kissed
Mon Jun 15, 2009 10:13 AM
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There is something more going on with LW1. Her daughter used to call her twice a week, but now has no interest in her? Something must have happened. I have elderly relatives I visit quite often, but they seem to be totally uninterested in me and will drone on and on about the same old stuff. I understand that they are old, but one has to tell me every time how she feeds her cat. My own mother would claim to have been a great mother, but her passive-aggressive insults finally drove me away.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Mon Jun 15, 2009 3:36 PM
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If she claims to be a happy person by her peers.Possibly she thinks all she can talk about with her childern is negative stuff.Either way my suggestion is get a journel.Because no one likes to be around a sour puss.My mother use to be this way I told her that if she continues to talk about negative stuff to me.Then I can no longer talk to her because it brings me down to hear her continue to live like that.It took her about a week to get the picture.Now my brothers and I talk to her all the time.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lori
Mon Jun 15, 2009 7:57 PM
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