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Annie's Mailbox®, June 12
Dear Annie: I am a 52-year-old single male, never married. Ten months ago, I met the love of my life. "Cindy" is everything to me. She was widowed two years ago and has two adult daughters, one still at home. The dilemma is that the girls are very unhappy that Mom is dating me. Mind you, they've never met me. It's just the idea that Mom is dating. Cindy told them I make her happy, while constantly reiterating that I am not a replacement for their father and never will be.
I try to ignore this obstacle, but it bothers Cindy. I know she will never put her foot down and insist the girls accept me. She has suggested I come over for dessert on holidays, but the girls are against it, so I've yet to be included in any of their family get-togethers.
I would have thought that after 10 months things would be a tad better. I would love to take all of them to dinner. I don't want to force Cindy to choose between her daughters and me, but I don't want to lose her. Is it too soon for the girls to accept us? Shouldn't they let their mom be happy? Please tell me what to do so I don't blow this fantastic relationship. — Walking on Eggshells
Dear Eggshells: Ten months is not too soon. Many children of single parents resent when Mom or Dad becomes involved with someone new. It is up to Cindy to make it clear to her daughters that you are part of her life and insist that they be respectful of her choices. If she refuses to do that, your current situation will continue for as long as you are willing to tolerate it.
Dear Annie: Is it just me, or is quality customer service a thing of the past? I just returned from a shopping trip to a local store. The owner seemed nice at first. She showed me around and pointed out things of interest. The trouble started when I mentioned I wasn't ready to buy anything. She then replied, "I'm sorry and I hope you don't mind, but I have a huge order I need to fill today. Please excuse me."
I was appalled. I told her that a customer standing right there was more valuable, and that if I walked out, she shouldn't expect me to return. She replied, "This order represents 25 percent of our annual revenue, and I cannot disappoint this customer." Well, she ended up disappointing THIS customer instead. I hope this will serve as a wake-up call to businesses that think they can afford to alienate their average customers. — Ignored in Virginia
Dear Ignored: Once you said you were "just looking," the owner obviously felt her time would be better spent elsewhere. She is not obligated to hold your hand while you browse, but we agree she handled it poorly. She should have told you to take your time looking around and let her know if you found anything of interest, instead of saying out loud that she had more important things to do.
Dear Annie: "Hopeless in Parenting," who disapproves of her 17-year-old daughter staying overnight with eight other couples and no adult supervision, should be applauded and supported.
Our daughter is also going to prom. She and her friends are straight-A, college bound teens. They have normal hormones, which makes it completely nuts to expect even well-behaved, decent kids to play in a candy store without tasting the candy. Our daughter understands this and frankly does not want to be put in that position. Tell "Hopeless" to stick to her guns — no parents, no party. — Mom of Three
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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19 Comments | Post Comment
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No parents? Nah, just no party.
My elementary school daughter went to a spa birthday party at which the main entertainment was facials and mani-pedis done professionally while the girls lounged in robes...while watching the Sex in the City movie and drinking virgin Cosmos. If I had known, she wouldn't have gone. NOW I ASK for detailed plans are before I say she can go anywhere. My kid ended up in the kitchen petting the daschund because she'd never seen anything like that movie in her life and she was very uncomfortable. To my mind, she showed more sense than the "adult" on scene.
If you're thinking other parents will enforce your values and so it's okay to let your kid go to a candy shop to admire and handle the candy without getting caught with a mouthfull, you should know that some parents are afraid of their kids. They'll host the party and turn a blind eye to whatever happens so the kids/their friends will think they're "cool." Some parents are apparently perpetual adolscents themselves.
No thanks.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Marcia barton
Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:06 AM
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I'm writing in response to Heartbroken in NC. I sympathize with your situation regarding the daugher-in-law who has cut off contact and won't allow your son to have a normal relationship with you.
I too shared a very close relationship with my daughter-in-law and 2 granddaughters for many years. While my son was deployed to Iraq and my husband was recovering from cancer surgery, my daughter-in-law gave me my son's cell phone to use. The phone rang every day, all day, bill collectors calling. I asked my son if he was aware his bills were not being paid and my daughter-in-law stopped talking to me because I had asked my son about the bills.
I tried to call her to discuss this and actually wanted to help them pay their old bills, but she hung up on me before I got the chance to say much.
It has been over a year since I have talked to her. My son is now out of the service, however he is forbidden to have contact with me. He brought the girls down for a visit and she threatened to call the police on him. I believe this girl has emotional problems and is very insecure. What are mothers supposed to do with a situation like this? I have accepted the fact that my son is out of my life, along with his wife and the children, but it does not have to be this way. I think it is very sad that in-laws try to separate their spouses from their own families. How would she like it or her parents if my son decided he wanted to cut all contact with her family? Does anyone out there have any suggestions? Out in the Cold Mother-In-Law
Comment: #2
Posted by: donna phillips
Fri Jun 12, 2009 8:37 AM
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I'm writing about LW1: The relationship has been for ten months, but the mom has been grieving for her lost husband two years prior to that. I think if her grieving period is over, she should be able to enjoy life, embrace love and not have to feel guilty about it. The girls are being selfish. Perhaps the LW should tell his sweetheart that unless she tells her girls to grow up, nothing will get better, only worse. She could wind up resenting her own daughters for it. Maybe that will put a little spine in her backbone.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Fri Jun 12, 2009 10:09 AM
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Forty years ago, my mom informed me that she was going to start dating a very nice man that she and my dad had known casually for many years. I was not living at home, I was 22 at the time, but I felt intense resentment toward this man, whom I had never met, and some anger that my mom could even think of "replacing" my dad. At the same time, I felt very guilty about my negative feelings. Mom had been widowed for 8 years, I was an only child and living on my own, and I knew she was entitled to a life of her own. My resentment remained when I went to visit Mom one weekend. I didn't know how I was going to handle it. On Saturday evening, Mom's gentleman friend arrived to take her out for dinner. She had not consulted me or sought my "permission" to go out with him. He was cordial, respectful, and nothing like my Dad. He invited me to go along to dinner with them. That night was the end of my resentment. It was plain from their relationship that this man was not a "replacement" for my Dad. He was an interesting, caring person in his own right, and that's the way Mom saw him. After that evening, so did I. Cindy needs to introduce the man in her life to her children and give them the opportunity to see that he is not a "replacement" for their father. Words can only go so far. A dinner at her home may not be the ideal setting. It is her children's home turf after all. He should invite Cindy out to dinner and insist on picking her up at a time when he can be introduced to her live-in daughter. Then if it seems workable, invite the daughter to join them.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Beej
Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:23 AM
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When it comes to a daughter-in-law you have to kiss butt, with some of them. They are the mother of your son's children. If their wives are unhappy their husbands will know it, i.e. not putting out until they get what they want. The sad thing is they have so much control over everything when they are like your daughter-in-law. If you can get her on the phone I would first apologize, even if she was in the wrong, because that is the only way you can get her attention. I am guessing she is the type that needs to feel superior now that she is your son's wife. She may have felt shame for not keeping up on the bills or wanted to hide it from your son; either way I am sure he knows now.
That was in response to the lady with the son in the service. I hope that helps a little bit. If you really want some good advice with that I would try calling Dr. Laura, in Salem she comes on from 1-4 on 1190 kex am. She gives some good advice.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Im Me
Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:31 AM
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I am writing in response the person that lost her husband 10 months ago. The girls are very selfish for trying to tell her mom what to do. They should want her happy and know that people grieve differently. I remember when my mom was dating my step father after my dad died, she was very lonely. He put a spark in her eye and a jump in her step. He treated her very well. It would be better for the daughters to get to know him in order to keep an eye on their mother to make sure she is okay. And the mom needs to step up to the daughters and include him in family projects unless she isn't really interested in it going any further. They should sit back and look at the situation and look to see if she is happy and if she is treated good. Of course, it won't ever take the place of their father and I am sure that he is not trying to do that. How can someone do that anyway? I hope they will see this and think of their mother instead of themselves and let her stop grieving for just a little while. I lost my husband a few months ago and will never forget him although I am not ready now to date but wonder if I will ever be ready in the future. So I can understand both side.
Good luck and God bless.
Comment: #6
Posted by: star
Fri Jun 12, 2009 11:58 AM
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Re: donna phillips --
Donna, (I know a Donna Philips in north eastern PA; are you her?) ---- If this were someone writing about a young wife being isolated from her family by her husband, everyone would be yelling "wife abuse." In your situation, it's your son who's being abused. Unless, is HE angry with YOU for some reason? If he's mad at you himself, that could explain his not visiting or bringing his children to visit you. But since he did visit once only to be threatened by his wife, it sounds like abuse. He should have called her bluff when she threatened him with the police when he brought the kids to see you. You can't live his life for him; but you can be there for him when and if he needs you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be hoping that he'd divorce this woman. I bet she's threatened him that he'll never see his kids again if he leaves her. He really needs to see an attorney to find out what his rights are in regard to the children and anything else he feels would be threatened if he leaves his wife.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:42 PM
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Re: donna phillips --
Donna, (I know a Donna Philips in north eastern PA; are you her?) ---- If this were someone writing about a young wife being isolated from her family by her husband, everyone would be yelling "wife abuse." In your situation, it's your son who's being abused. Unless, is HE angry with YOU for some reason? If he's mad at you himself, that could explain his not visiting or bringing his children to visit you. But since he did visit once only to be threatened by his wife, it sounds like abuse. He should have called her bluff when she threatened him with the police when he brought the kids to see you. You can't live his life for him; but you can be there for him when and if he needs you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be hoping that he'd divorce this woman. I bet she's threatened him that he'll never see his kids again if he leaves her. He really needs to see an attorney to find out what his rights are in regard to the children and anything else he feels would be threatened if he leaves his wife.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:44 PM
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Re: donna phillips --
Donna, (I know a Donna Philips in north eastern PA; are you her?) ---- If this were someone writing about a young wife being isolated from her family by her husband, everyone would be yelling "wife abuse." In your situation, it's your son who's being abused. Unless, is HE angry with YOU for some reason? If he's mad at you himself, that could explain his not visiting or bringing his children to visit you. But since he did visit once only to be threatened by his wife, it sounds like abuse. He should have called her bluff when she threatened him with the police when he brought the kids to see you. You can't live his life for him; but you can be there for him when and if he needs you. If I were in your shoes, I'd be hoping that he'd divorce this woman. I bet she's threatened him that he'll never see his kids again if he leaves her. He really needs to see an attorney to find out what his rights are in regard to the children and anything else he feels would be threatened if he leaves his wife.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Jun 12, 2009 5:45 PM
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LW1:
I understand that "Cindy" does not want strife in her relationship with her daughters, however....
According to your letter, these daughters are both adults. In my opinion though, they are not acting as such. They are trying to deny their mother a second love, because of their own grief and emotions.
Granted, obviously you don't want to be mean to them, or force Cindy to chose between you and them. But... perhaps that's the point. You are thinking of Cindy and placing her needs above your own. Her "adult" daughters are putting themselves first.
In my opinion that right there says how much you love her. And that it's time they stop acting like children.
Comment: #10
Posted by: PepperElf
Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:40 PM
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Ignored in Virginia:
You admit that you were not ready to buy yet... and then you were appalled that she did not stay with you.
If anything, I rather feel your comments to her were the rude ones. If you were not ready to buy that day, what did you want her to stay around for?
In fact, reading what you claim she said... She was being polite to you.
It sounds like she had a lot of work to get done, and upon hearing that you didn't need to buy right away that she could get the other work done while you took your time making up your mind.
I actually feel bad for her. She politely tried to excuse herself to get the rest of her work done while you made up your mind... only to have you lash out at her, and then threaten to take your "business" elsewhere if she didn't stay there and continue to serve you ... even though you weren't ready to buy.
I somewhat suspect, that's the real issue. The threat to take your business elsewhere didn't have the result you thought it would, and that only increased your "offense" at her actions.
Comment: #11
Posted by: PepperElf
Sat Jun 13, 2009 12:59 PM
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to LW1: the widowed Mom knows her kids are being unrealistic to think that she shouldn't have a life after the death of their father... she has offered a solution that the new man in her life meet her daughters over dessert on a holiday... I think that would be a good way to start slow... the family could enjoy time with their usual traditions, then the new man could be introduced in a less threatening way... the widow does want her daughters to meet this man, but appears a little fearful of their reaction... the man on the other hand appears to want it all right NOW... if he takes it slow, and shows the daughters that he only has the best interests of their mother in mind and isn't trying to replace their father, he has a much greater chance of success... so he should go for dessert- he may not get the whole day on that day, but they may get the rest of their lives...
Comment: #12
Posted by: MMB
Sat Jun 13, 2009 4:31 PM
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Regarding the first letter: It's obvious that Cindy started dating way too soon after the death of her husband. It is morally wrong to date so soon after the death of a spouse, and her children are aware of this. Also, this guy may be a control freak who is trying to move things along too fast and too soon. I've seen this happen before.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Paul
Sat Jun 13, 2009 10:36 PM
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I agree with PepperElf about Ignored in Virginia. As someone with years in retail I can say that you run into all kinds. For some folks "shopping" is a form of entertainment (whether they buy anything or not). Sometimes lonely people wander into a store just looking for someone to talk to. But a store is a business like any other. You wouldn't expect to drop into your Dentists office to have an hour long chat in the middle of the work day, nor would you do the same thing to your insurance agent or accountant.
The staff at a store IS there, in part, to help you purchase what you need but they have other duties as well and a life outside the store. An order that needs to be filled has a deadline. Shipping companies only pick up once a day. Other duties a retail employee must do, such as stocking, inventory, cleaning, or managerial reports might require that employee stay late to get done, meaning Mommy isn't there for bed time or may have to pay an over-time fee at day care if she is late picking up her little one.
If you are not in need of anything then respect their time and browse to your hearts content. If you have a question about something then ask. Otherwise expecting the staff (or owner) at any business to "entertain" you is being a little self centered.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Sara
Sun Jun 14, 2009 1:28 AM
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Re: Paul
Who's to say how soon is "morally" too soon. I know in some cultures it use to be "one year" and in other cultures it was "never".
How can any of us tell her that she isn't emotionally ready to date again. She's already raised 2 children to adulthood. She's adult enough to make her own decisions.
I just wish her "adult" daughters would give her the chance to live again.
Comment: #15
Posted by: PepperElf
Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:01 PM
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To the "No Parents, No Party" , I find it somewhat offensive, that adults seem to think all youth are bad people, and that all of our hormones are crazy and we're all about the sex, drugs, and liquor. I'm Eighteen, and Myself, my boyfriend, and two other couples went out to my summer cottage, last weekend after prom for the night. There was no parents, but we were all responsible. Was there drinking ? NO. Was there sex ? NO. How about drugs? Um, NO. Please stop being so judgmental, it's not only annoying, but offensive.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Colleen
Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:08 AM
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To the "No Parents, No Party" , I find it somewhat offensive, that adults seem to think all youth are bad people, and that all of our hormones are crazy and we're all about the sex, drugs, and liquor. I'm Eighteen, and Myself, my boyfriend, and two other couples went out to my summer cottage, last weekend after prom for the night. There was no parents, but we were all responsible. Was there drinking ? NO. Was there sex ? NO. How about drugs? Um, NO. Please stop being so judgmental, it's not only annoying, but offensive.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Colleen
Mon Jun 15, 2009 8:08 AM
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Thank you Sara and PepperElf The Letter from "Ignored in Virginia" has been bugging me for days! As a person who is in retail it always amazes me to what extent a small minority of customers think they're entitled. I'm disappointed in the response from "Annie's Mailbox". I've been racking my brain to figure out how the proprietor could have responded to "Ignored in Virginia". She was polite until attacked by this self professed browser. How could that situation been saved? Sometimes, no matter what you do you lose. "Ignored in Virginia" needs to understand that manners work in both directions. I'll happily give you 110% but I'd rather see your backside if your rude, abusive and condescending (but I'll smile and you'll never know). ..........The problem is, I'm wasting my time trying to figure out how this situation could have been saved. When the truth is that "ignored in Virgina" will be remembered and discussed long after hundred of wonderful deserving customers have passed thru the doors.
Comment: #18
Posted by: dem0325
Mon Jun 15, 2009 1:04 PM
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First I should mention that the letter from "Ignored in Virginia" was word-for-word identical to a letter which appeared in another advice column a few months ago. It's either a fake, or someone sending the same letter to different columnists hoping to be vindicated. I suspect it's a fake because the previous columnist went along with her.
In case the letter is for real, my answer would be: get over yourself and realize the shopkeeper is not your friend or personal servant. He or she is there tending a store, running a business, and selling products. The one you describe, who showed you around the store, then (when you clarified you weren't there to buy anything), told you she should go tend to another customer, perhaps might have handled it more tactfully, but she had no obligation to spend time with you just because you were there at the moment. If you feel she should have stayed with you because you were "there first," the other customer (who represented a huge order) was an established customer, so was "there" long before you set foot in the shop.
Frankly, "Ignored" sounds like a grown-up (?) version of a little princess who was the center of mommy's world all of her life, and expects to be the center of everyone else's for the remainder of it. She's miffed when someone reveals that they have other things to do, than to cater to her.
Comment: #19
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Jun 23, 2010 3:19 PM
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