ANNIE'S MAILBOX(R) by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar on Creators.com

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Annie's Mailbox®, June 2

Dear Annie: I have been married to "Tom," a successful farmer, for seven years. We both have children from previous marriages, three of whom work here, and my youngest son lives at home.

I quit my job to help on the farm, and now I don't have a husband anymore, just a boss. Our intimate time and conversation is fairly nonexistent, and there's no such thing as family time. Holidays, birthdays and our anniversary are not important to him. Tom tells his sons every personal thing I think should be kept between husband and wife. The only thing he wants to discuss is farming. Otherwise, he tells me I talk too much. So now I barely speak to him at all.

My mother and grandparents live on the West Coast. My daughter and grandkids live on the East Coast. My youngest son and I visit them without Tom because he says he cannot leave the farm. I'm not sure why we're still married. We don't have children together. If he loves me, he certainly doesn't show it. If I left him, I'm sure he'd replace me in a heartbeat with a farm worker.

I'm miserable and I'm sure he's unhappy, too. I've suggested we work on our marriage, but he just works more on the farm. I don't want to give up, but I also don't want to feel like this for the rest of my life. Any suggestions, Annie? — Midwest Farmer's Wife

Dear Wife: Sometimes marriage to a farmer means you're married to the farm. Tom thinks this is what you signed up for, but it is not what you expected. In order for your relationship to improve, Tom must be willing to devote more time to his family, and we can't guarantee it. Tell Tom you are terribly unhappy and that counseling is likely the only way to save your marriage. Even if he won't go with you, you should still speak to someone who will help you clarify the issues and decide what, if anything, is worth keeping.

Dear Annie: The other day I was in a Pilates class, and the woman sitting next to me passed gas very loudly while completing some of the exercises.

This happened twice and did not go unnoticed by those around her. No one said a peep about it, including the gassy lady. What would have been the proper way for her to handle this embarrassing situation? — Holding My Breath in North Dakota

Dear N.D.: The correct response is, "Excuse me." This poor woman was obviously so embarrassed that she hoped others would think the sound emanated from someone else. There is no way to address this without embarrassing her further, so please try to find a way to ignore it as best you can.

Dear Annie: "Montreal, Canada" criticized you for advising psychological, rather than legal, counseling when she suspected her husband of cheating. You are right on the mark!

Years ago, I had been reduced from a self-confident college grad with a career to a timid dependent by the mental abuse and bullying of my husband. A visit to a lawyer did nothing for my self-esteem. Fortunately, I also visited a counselor who had a women's support group. I rediscovered myself and had the courage to walk out of my nightmare and start over. Please don't ever stop telling people to get counseling. It saved me, and I bet I have plenty of company. — Got it Right in Hawaii

Dear Hawaii: We promise to keep doing it. In so many cases, it's the best recourse.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

8 Comments | Post Comment

I have a question that is haunting me. I was raised that when you become pregnant with your first child you have a baby shower to aquire most of the baby furniture, ect. I have a relative that fells that that each time she becomes pregnant she wants a baby shower. ( children are 5 and 3) I was also taught if there was several years (5 to 7 yrs) inbetween each child then it would be o.k. Why do these girls feel SPECIAL- I am not responsible to provide large gifts for each of their children. Please advise .

Comment: #1
Posted by: KAREN
Tue Jun 2, 2009 10:50 AM

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No one is ever required to give a gift, large or small, but it is nice. Maybe a box of diapers. I would not be forking out cribs or anything like that; if someone is wanting more children than they should be responsible to keep cribs and big furniture like that.

Comment: #2
Posted by: Im Me
Tue Jun 2, 2009 2:36 PM

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Re: KAREN ----- A baby shower to get baby furniture? You've got to be kidding. If the parents can't afford baby furniture (at least used), they shouldn't be getting pregnant in the first place. Of course sometimes several people will pool their resources to buy a more expensive gift together and that might be a crib or car seat or other such item. No one is obligated at ANY time to give gifts to people when they have a baby. Gifts are not something anyone can DEMAND. And certainly no one can or should demand a baby shower. Showers are given by friends (not family members) if and when the friend(s) decide they want to give a shower, not because the pregnant woman tells them they have to. Of course if a person has given baby showers for those friends in the past, one would expect those friends to reciprocate at her first pregnancy at least. Individuals are always permitted to buy baby gifts whether there's a shower or not. It sounds to me like your relative is making demands because she has a feeling of entitlement. Don't feed it. Even if she were expecting her first baby, she shouldn't be demanding gifts. As for the number and timing of showers, I'd say it depends on the friends. They are usually aware of both the needs the family has and whether their other friends are "up" for attending a shower. And you are right that that doesn't usually happen for each pregnancy. No one should be made to feel that they either have to give or attend a shower or give a gift.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Tue Jun 2, 2009 6:42 PM

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LW1: This a great reminder to me of why I promised myself in my teens that I would never marry a farmer. Living in the country is great. Being on a farm can be great. But the responsibility can be 24-7. If you have animals on the farm, you have to feed them EVERY day, not just 5 days a week. And of course, there's no vacation from that. If you have cows, you have to milk them twice a day, every day. And cows are finicky. They don't like strangers milking them (they tend to give less milk); so vacations are difficult to schedule. So unless you really like farming, think twice, no think three times before marrying a farmer. It's a difficult life. It's too bad this lw quit her job to help her husband on the farm. She might be feeling a little more independent and able to deal with him on an equal basis rather than as his employee. Actually, I doubt she feels as good as a regular employee. They get to go home and they get a pay check. I sincerely doubt she gets a paycheck. Is she a part owner of the farm? If not, and if she isn't receiving a paycheck, I bet no social security is being paid on her behalf which puts her in an even more vulnerable situation. I think she seriously needs to analyze her position in this "marriage" and decide whether it's what she signed on for when she married the farmer.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Tue Jun 2, 2009 7:15 PM

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RE Farmer's Wife: Having given the matter additional thought, I think the lw should go back to work, if not at her previous job, at some other job. That way, she will no longer be her husband's employee. She'll be bringing in a paycheck; so he won't be able to complain that she's not carrying her weight and he can hire another farm worker if he needs to. Then if he does not become more of the husband she was expecting, she'll have the ability to leave the marriage.

Comment: #5
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Wed Jun 3, 2009 10:19 AM

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I grew up on a farm, and I got away as fast as I could. Now, my son talks about buying land somewhere and "building a house for you and dad." I told him, no way. I hated living on a farm and I have no desire to go back. My next house is going to be a loft in a downtown area somewhere, within walking distance of everything I like to do. The LW needs to go back to work and stop letting her husband boss her around, and she needs to keep her finances separate or they will get sucked into the black hole of farming expenses. It's funny, because about the time I left home, the song "Woodstock" was popular. "We've got to get back to the garden......." I sang along, trying hard to be a hippie, but years later I realized what it meant. I had just come from the garden and wasn't about to go back.

Comment: #6
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Jun 3, 2009 11:39 AM

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Re: Joannakathryn ---- Isn't it funny how people idolize a kind of life they know nothing about? Farming is great if someone else is there to do all the work. I know I couldn't do it again although I do like living in the country. On the other hand, I have an adult son who lives with us who does all the horrible outdoor chores such as lawn mowing and snow removal. He LIKES to do this stuff. If he leaves home, I'm leaving too - to an apartment with no snow removal chores and no grass to mow. My garden will consist of planters on a patio or balcony. ----- Regarding your comment on the farmer's wife: I like your idea that she should keep her finances separate so it isn't sucked into the farm. To do that, she might contribute a set amount or percentage toward the household expenses but nothing toward the farm business. She should also start saving for her "escape." I just reread her letter and realized I forgot about her husband telling his sons about private marital things. It seems he's forgotten that she's his wife, not his sons. I'm even more in favor of her leaving. It really does feel like she's just another laborer for him; she's getting no respect from him.

Comment: #7
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Wed Jun 3, 2009 4:35 PM

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The farm wife should have figured out that the farm was more important than she was before she married the farmer. Shame on her. I am a farmer's daughter and I can tell you all for a fact that most farmer's wives in my neck of the woods do not lift a finger on the farm and do not work outside the home. Thier farmer husbands carry them so they can sit in the house all day in front of the tv and drive around in their fancy new cars that their husbands farm bought for them and most get away with treating their step children like crap too! The Farm wife should get her butt out there on the tractor next to him if she wants more time with her husband. I wouldn't give up my farm or my tractors for any girly man from the city.

Comment: #8
Posted by: farmgirl
Fri Jun 5, 2009 5:20 PM

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Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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Annie's Mailbox®, June 2

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