Dear Annie: Please advise your readers not to hold onto any letters that contain family information or intimate details of a relationship that should remain secret. I was cleaning out my mother-in-law's house after her death and came upon letters addressed to "My dearest wife and son," written while my father-in-law was away at war. As I started to read, it was immediately evident that the letter was intended for his wife's eyes only, as it contained not only graphic intimate details, but also some family information that was the opposite of what my husband had been told all his life.
Thankfully, I was able to destroy the letters before my grieving husband saw them, as he would have been traumatized by their content. I am sure his mother never wanted anyone to read what I found. Please, readers, don't do this to your loved ones. Remember, one day someone will be going through all your private correspondence. — Shocked in Missouri
Dear Shocked: We, too, are shocked that you took it upon yourself to decide what your husband was allowed to see and what he was capable of handling. It would depend a great deal on the information. If, for example, the letter said your husband was the product of an affair, he is entitled to know his genetic background. On the other hand, if the letter said Daddy regretted having a son, we can understand your desire to destroy it.
It might have been better to put those letters aside until some time had passed and then tell your husband you found some disturbing information, letting him decide whether to read them or not.
Dear Annie: I'm a 48-year-old female and have been dating a 52-year-old man for over a year. "Jed" has yet to say he loves me. He says he likes me a lot and I'm his "baby." I see him every Saturday, we e-mail twice a day and he calls every night. I've never been married, though I've been in several long-term relationships and am still friends with the exes.
Jed has been divorced three times and has an adult daughter. He only gets along with the most recent ex-wife.
Jed is very loving when I see him, but sometimes I feel hollow after — like I'm the dessert after a dinner date. Sometimes he's friendly, then quiet, and occasionally he won't call. How do I find out where I stand? When I ask, he blows it off. He told me his ex wants him back, but he's not interested. But he'll go over to her house to help her out occasionally. What do you think? — Third Wheel in California
Dear Third Wheel: The actual words don't matter as much as his actions. A year is long enough to feel secure in the relationship. If you are "hollow" after a date, it does not speak well for the dynamic between you. Either accept things as they are or move on.
Dear Annie: I think you're the one who "fluffied" your answer to "Stunk Out, Turned Off and Not Laughing," whose husband passes gas at the kitchen table. He is being disrespectful of his wife's feelings and then blames her for not accepting his boorish behavior. You said she can "make it an issue he will understand," but she has told him repeatedly that it makes him less attractive. He understands. He sounds immature, controlling and nasty.
Why should SHE leave the room? He should scoot his smelly bottom somewhere else (preferably the bathroom) and leave the kitchen table as a place to enjoy a meal. — Respected Wife in Woodland, Calif.
Dear Woodland: It is indeed disrespectful, but you can't force someone else to behave as you wish. You can, however, "encourage" them to modify the behavior. Some men think passing gas is hilarious. Telling him he's less attractive is not as effective as walking away when he wants attention. He will get that message much quicker.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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8 Comments | Post Comment
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I'm shocked too! Shocked that the lW opened and read a private letter! My grandmother had a "treasure box" with cards and letters my grandfather sent over the years. After he died and she lived in a nursing home, she would take the letters out and read them over and over again. They were a source of joy and comfort for her. But, she was very clear to us that they were "private". She did not feel the need to destroy them because she trusted us. Private letters should be marked "private" and after someone's death family members should have the decency to destroy them- or bury them with their owner. SHAME on the letter writer for not understanding that letter addressed to ONE person belong to that person ONLY!
Comment: #1
Posted by: nancy
Wed May 6, 2009 4:51 AM
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This is in response to a letter printed about a week ago. I sent an e-mail without logging in since I do not want to answer anything else, most likely. My e-mail was wiped off right away, since I was unhappy with the official response of the writers. I beg you to contact the 13 year old girl who wrote that she tried to slash her wrists since her parents said or probably scream in the house, "Everything I do is wrong." She says she has a support system of four girlfriends and a younger sister constantly comes in her room and does damage or takes things. Her parents feel that she is bad. What the parents are doing in the house is that they do tantamount to psychological abuse, because they are going crazy. You write, "I'm sure your parents love you." You have no right to make such a ridiculous claim. From my experience both parents need counseling which is of no value once they start that type of degradation. They can not control themselves and maybe somewhat too busy to do what's right. I know that most likely they are shouting and attacking all the time that the victim of their wrath is a fool. They are the fool if they can not see that she is not messing-up. I get attacked every day for 40 years that I am a retard. I am very fast and efficient, so I have at least normal brain development. I proved it in 14 years in school and college. The reason people try to commit suicide is because their parents tell them to, as in her case they can hardly sit for a minute without a temper tantrum like my parents. They would attack let's say once a week with a real Nazi hate that I "messed up". I did nothing wrong but my parents want to show that they have verbal superiority to twist the truth, I guess because they can't do anything but attack, but what they complained to me from time to time that they had a lifetime of basically not too many friends but when you live with them they are hawks, "watching" and all the time and all they have is "complaints."
Comment: #2
Posted by: darlene
Wed May 6, 2009 5:40 AM
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To Third Wheel: the poor guy is gun-shy after three divorces! A year is not long enough. If you feel that he's making an effort to trust this relationship, then you can make an effort to be patient. If on the other hand he's content maintaining you at a distance, then maybe you can use your time apart from him to casually date others, just to see what kind of men are available. My bet is he's worth hanging onto.
Comment: #3
Posted by: cheryl
Wed May 6, 2009 7:17 AM
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Your advice to "Shocked in Missouri", who destroyed her mother-in-law's private letters after her death, was off-base. Children, even adult children after the parents' death, are not entitled to be privy to "graphic intimate details" of their parents' life and marriage. The mother-in-law chose not to share this information with her son during life, and the memory of his actual relationship with her is so much more important than ensuring that every last scrap of truth about his parents' conduct or his genetic makeup gets aired. The letter-destroying wife acted correctly and in the best interests of both the deceased and her husband. If she had had any doubt, she might have hired a marriage and family counselor (MFT) to help her think through the issues before taking action.
Comment: #4
Posted by: BMallett
Wed May 6, 2009 7:56 AM
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I would be furious if somebody destroyed letters that any of my relatives left, under the guise of "protecting" me. I would love to find a stash of letters from my grandparents to each other, though I know nothing survives. I found out, after one of my uncles died in '79, that he had been married briefly in the 20s, for just a few weeks. (All those years, I'd thought he was always a bachelor. ) When my SIL let it slip, she begged me not to tell anybody that I knew. I laughed, and told her that I was past 40, had been married twice myself, and I thought I could handle knowing that Uncle JJ had been married/divorced 50 years previously. Still, it was a BIG family secret and I never let his sisters know that I knew about it.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed May 6, 2009 12:40 PM
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I would be furious if someone took it upon theirself to destroy something that was never meant for them. She should be ashamed of herself for being so presumptive. Regardless of what she read, her husband is an adult. I can understand wanting to keep something that is seen as hurtful away from someone, however, the fact of the matter is that she had no right to do this, and I am fairly sure she is regretting what she did now. How would she feel if her husband had done something like this to her?
Comment: #6
Posted by: LaBelle01
Wed May 6, 2009 1:28 PM
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In regards to Shocked, who had you shocked, had me shocked. Ha ha. What compelled me to write was the fact that you told it like it was. Talk about over bearing. From what it all sounds like is that fact that her father-in-law was deeply attracted to his wife and enjoyed her. Also, it seems like that's what happens between most couples. They have sex, and some even discuss what they did together so they can make the next time just as enjoyable. I'm a woman in my mid 30's, and to be honest if I had letters like that from my husband, I"d have held on to them too. By the time I'm dead and gone my children will be well aware how they got here whether or not they read letters like that.
Comment: #7
Posted by: pareadergirl
Wed May 6, 2009 3:34 PM
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I don't think people should have to throw away private items before they die, like letters. Some things are kind of avoidable to conceal and will be found. But to say throw them away! Don't read something that is not yours. I am sure I have some things I would not like people to read after I pass, I am 26, for all I know I could die tomorrow. So tell me, what is the proper age to throw such things away? There is not one.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Im Me
Thu May 7, 2009 10:31 AM
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