Dear Annie: I am a teenager, but in a few years, I will be away at college. I am concerned, however, because Mom has a boyfriend with a major anger problem, and he throws tantrums and gets abusive.
Mom has been in this relationship for a few years, and I'm afraid when I leave he will do some serious damage and I won't be there to protect her. She has been going to therapy, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I love my mother very much and want the best for her. How can I convince her to get away from this man? — Concerned Daughter
Dear Concerned: It is very difficult for some women to get out of an abusive relationship, and the longer they are involved, the more they believe they deserve to be treated poorly. It's good that Mom is getting therapy. She obviously needs it, and we hope it will help her find a way out. We know you are worried about her, but you are not responsible for her choices. If you witness this man being physically abusive to your mother or if he should come after you, call the police immediately. You also can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (ndvh.org) at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) and ask if there is anything more you can do.
Dear Annie: Something unacceptable is happening with two different casual friends. One is a man whose wife is in a nursing home with dementia. The other is a woman whose husband is in a nursing home after a debilitating stroke. The spouses are "dating."
The man has no children and is fairly low-key with his activities. The woman, however, is like a lovesick puppy. Her children are teenagers, and they seem uncomfortable with the situation. I know she is lonely, and I feel sorry for her, but frankly, I am embarrassed to be her friend. Another friend tried to talk to her about this, but she is too "in love" to listen to reason. I know I should MMOB and I am, but what is your opinion? Maybe I'm just playing by an old-fashioned rule book.
— Momma Do-Rite
Dear Momma: As long as the husbands and wives are taking care of their nursing-home spouses and visiting often, we have no objection to their spending an evening out with a friend. We concur, however, that it is inappropriate for this couple to flaunt a love affair, especially since there are children involved. However, you are a "casual friend," so you need to keep out of it.
Dear Annie: As an ex-wife who was married for 30 years, I disagree with your response to "Just Curious," who asked if she should attend her ex-husband's funeral. You also referred to the new wife as the "stepmother." If the new wife helped raised young children from the first marriage, then she is their stepmother. But if they were grown up when Dad remarried, as mine were, she is simply Dad's wife. These children have a mother and she is still alive. My children refer to their father's wife as just that and call her by her first name.
If she was married to this man and bore his children, there is a long and serious connection, and she should be able to attend the funeral. If my ex-husband dies before me, I plan to attend. Out of respect for his present wife, I will be as inconspicuous as possible and stay in the rear of the church. But I intend to be there not only for myself, but to help my children and grandchildren through that time. — Loving Mother
Dear Mother: The word "stepmother" refers to the woman Dad has married, whether you like it or not. The restriction on ex-wives attending the funeral is if your presence will cause a disruption and make the widow stressed. If you are certain you can avoid that, and your children want you there, it's OK to go.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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Thank you for your response to "Loving Mother." She is still obviously very angry about her divorce, and of course, I don't know the circumstances, but no matter what, she is the ex. She is only welcome under the circumstances you mention. I didn't bear my stepchildren and I came along when they were in high school, but being a good stepmother was hard work that needed to be done carefully, and it rarely brought any recognition. But I was the wife he chose 13 years after his divorce and his ex-wife made life as nasty as she could. In the end, the adult children saw her for what she was: a bitter, trouble-making woman who only thought of herself when she made them part of the unpleasantness.
Comment: #1
Posted by: julia
Tue May 5, 2009 6:40 AM
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regarding the teen with Mom's abusive boyfriend - Letter writer should understand that staying around will not save mom from this man. Even if it were possible to intervene in the middle of an abusive situation, all LW could do would be to call the police but mom would have to be the one to press charges unless he hit the LW.. Instead, I would call the therapist. The therapist cannot talk with the letter writer but can listen to information. It is quite possible that the issue isn't even coming up in therapy because people pick and choose what they share. I don't know if the therapist would tell the mom letter writer called or not. If this information would be given out, then the child should tell mom what she is going to do.
Comment: #2
Posted by: BB
Tue May 5, 2009 10:22 AM
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I will agree with you about the attendance at the funeral by a former wife. However, I also take issue with the stepmother title. Because a father leaves his family for greener grass does not obligate the chilren to love or accept the new wife in a 'mother'' role. My own father married 3 times and I didn't see him during those years. I had a mother as the other writer stated. I was not in a position to accept these other women as my ''stepmother (s)''.
I got to know the last wife and I treated her with civility and she did me, but I never considered her in a ''mother'' role.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Elizabeth Johnston
Tue May 5, 2009 3:29 PM
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Re: Julia: -- I guess everyone's situation is a bit different. My sister's husband cheated on her after 30 years of marriage. During much of that time, he had some serious illnesses and had several surgeries. She stayed and supported him through it all despite his moody behavior and inability to work. When he started getting better, he had an affair with a married woman. He and my sister decided to divorce and he married his girlfriend who also got a divorce. My sister found a really wonderful man and they married. Then "Gloria" started cheating on my sister's ex and there were a number of arguments. My ex-bil ended up committing suicide in a rather public manner while his wife was off with her new boyfriend. My sister and her husband were the one's who dealt with the funeral home because Gloria couldn't be bothered. My sister and her new husband ended up paying for everything themselves even though they aren't very well off financially and had no legal responsibility. During this whole process, Gloria moved in with her new boyfriend and it took several days to find her. My sister said she didn't want to interfere and take over Gloria's place but Gloria couldn't be located and there were my sister's children to be considered. It's rather ironic (poetic justice?) that Gloria's boyfriend died within two weeks of my ex-bil. So she was left with no one and has probably the worst reputation in the area.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat
Tue May 5, 2009 5:31 PM
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"Stepmother" describes a legal relationship, it is not an honorific. People may as well get equally offended by the title "mother-in-law." "WELL, she's already got a mother!"
Pat, in your case, what your sister did helped her children and probably laid a lot of old feelings to rest for her. Her new husband must truly be a wonderful, secure man to have helped with all that. But in more normal situations, a hospital or a funeral is no place to force open old wounds or seek attention. It's a graceless act.
Comment: #5
Posted by: julia
Wed May 6, 2009 3:07 AM
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Re: Elizabeth Johnston
I too agree that the title of "Stepmother" should be bestowed only by family members. When I was 21 my father married a woman who was only six years older than me. Never in a million years would have have called her, or considered her, my "Mother" in any way. She is my Father's Wife. Conversely, my oldest daughter was my husband's by a previous marriage. I raised her from the time she was 6 months old. I tucked her in at night, sang her songs, potty trained her, went to her PTA conferences, years of gymnastics practice, spent a week of sleepless nights when she was 13 and ran away from home, and helped and encouraged her to get her college degree. Her biological mother hadn't seen her since she was 12 months old. I do not consider myself her "step" mother, and neither does my daughter. I consider myself her "real" mother. I also took issue with your final word to "Loving Mother," which were "Whether you like it or not." The any title or combination of words using "Mother" or "Father" or "Sister" or "Brother" etc. contains emotional nuances that outsiders don't have the right to bestow, whether YOU like it or not. My oldest would be very hurt to be called the other two kid's "Stepsister," or for me to introduce her as "My adopted daughter," and I would be embarrassed as hell if my Dad's wife introduced herself as my "Stepmother."
This is the very first time I have ever, ever, in my life, been compelled to write in to any Dear Abby-like column, so congratulations.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Val
Wed May 6, 2009 3:36 PM
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Re: julia
I get offended by the terms "Real mom" v ..... what....."Fake mom?" When the "Real Mom" hasn't seen their 30 year old child in 29 years and the "fake" mom raised said child.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Val
Wed May 6, 2009 3:50 PM
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Re: julia
If you were in any way shape or form involved in the actual raising of a child, even if for a short time, and if they feel the same way, you have the right to call your self their "Mom," or "Stepmom." After 10 years of being divorced and single in every serious way I met the man I married 7 years ago. At that time my youngest kids were 14 and 16. They call my husband their "Step Dad," or sometimes just their "Dad." Even my oldest, who was 23 at the time, refers to him as her stepdad because their father's abandonment of them 17 years ago left a huge, painful loss in their life. Having someone to call "Dad" helps fill that gap. I still say it's a term that should be left to individual family members to bestow.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Val
Wed May 6, 2009 3:56 PM
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Listen to all the bitterness in the comments here. If making an issue out of what is a legal description to hurt other people pleases any of you, nothing can be done. My stepchildren and I worked out a good relationship. I was not trying to replace their mother, but just be an additional adult who loved and was responsible for them. They went through phases of what to call me and I didn't care. And I don't believe I used any real mom/fake mom phrases, but why let words like that offend you? Why would you give someone else so much power? No one can demand respect, but you can respect yourself and your role in other people's lives.
Comment: #9
Posted by: julia
Sat May 9, 2009 4:29 AM
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