ANNIE'S MAILBOX(R) by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar on Creators.com

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Annie's Mailbox®, May 3

Dear Annie: What do you think about a married couple whose only intimacy is make-up sex? My husband says he loves me and I believe he is faithful, but he never initiates anything in the bedroom, and we have sex only if I pitch a fit because I feel neglected. I don't do this often, so we've had sex only twice in the past 15 months.

We are both healthy 42-year-olds. We have a 3-year-old child who requires a lot of attention, but even so, I can't understand how he doesn't desire intimacy. He is an awesome husband, who cooks, cleans, bathes our child, and doesn't go out with the guys or do things I disapprove of. He just doesn't seem to want me.

I am attractive and still get looks from other men. A month ago, I came very close to an affair. I was not in love with the guy, but it sure was nice for a man to let me know he thinks I'm pretty. I told my husband about the encounter and guess what? We had sex. See what I mean?

My husband is a good guy and I love him, so should I just get someone on the side to satisfy me physically? — Sex-less Lady

Dear Sex-less: We'll be frank with you. Here are the likeliest possibilities: Your husband's testosterone levels are very low, he is having an affair, he is asexual or he is gay. Please ask him to see his doctor for a complete checkup and specifically ask for his testosterone to be checked. We hope that's all there is to it.

Dear Annie: My unmarried 30-year-old daughter has a drinking and behavioral problem that has escalated over the past year. "Terrie" gets drunk at family gatherings, insults people and starts arguments that often end with her throwing things and shoving people. A lot of her anger seems to be directed at me.

We have encouraged Terrie to get alcohol counseling or attend A.A. She tried it once and quit. I believe she is bipolar, but mental health counselors will not treat her until she quits drinking. After her last outburst, I sent her a text message and said we could no longer have a relationship unless she gets help.

Shortly after, she left town and moved to Florida with a friend who also drinks.

Should I keep the lines of communication open, or will my ultimatum help her reach bottom so she can start climbing back up? I tried Al-Anon, but the members only offer support and friendship to each other, which is nice, but it doesn't change my daughter. She is an intelligent, beautiful woman who has thrown her life away and it breaks my heart. — Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned: Al-Anon is not intended to change the alcoholic's behavior, only your response to it. Choosing not to stay in touch would be for your mental health, not hers. No one can "fix" Terrie until she admits she has a problem, and she doesn't seem ready. Many who are bipolar self-medicate with alcohol and drugs, and there are treatment programs that address both disorders. If Terrie wants help, she should contact a university medical center department of psychiatry for a referral. And you should contact NAMI (nami.org) about their Family to Family program.

Dear Annie: This is for "Frustrated in Elgin, Ore.," whose husband has rheumatoid arthritis. My husband has severe onset rheumatoid arthritis. The first thing you have to do is get a thicker skin. Who cares what others think?

Next, see a specialist — a rheumatologist. There also are new medications that can work wonders. Ask the rheumatologist about them. We've gone from my husband being in a wheelchair, barely able to lift a coffee cup, to having a decent quality of life. We still have bad days, but nothing compared to what we were living with before. Good luck and best wishes. — Been There in Florida

Dear Florida: We appreciate all the suggestions that have come in from our readers. Bless you all for caring.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

8 Comments | Post Comment

I love how when it's the woman who doesn't want sex with the husband, Annie's gals make sure it's clear that it's the husband's job to bend over backward trying to help out more, appreciate his wife more, and generally kiss her fanny in order to get the occasional sex. When the husband isn't interested, it means he has a medical problem, he's asexual or he's gay. What? Maybe his wife is a needling witch 90% of the time and the thought of having sex with her makes him cringe. Or, maybe the lack of sex over a period of years has made things awkward (like kissing his sister!) In any case, it's unfair of Annie's gals to simply assume the burden is on the husband to "fix this."

Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Sun May 3, 2009 5:54 AM

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If the husband in your first section has started taking high blood pressure medecine, he would experience a decrease in desire and performance and not even know why. He seems about the right age. If his wife could mention the problem in a kind way, he could tell his primary care and get Viagra.
I think you have missed the boat. Anne Landers would recommend 40 lashes with a wet noodle.
Larry

Comment: #2
Posted by: Larry DeBlois
Sun May 3, 2009 7:29 AM

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i wonder if the answer would be the same if the rolls were reversed? would annie state that the wife is having an affair,asexual, or she is gay ?i think not. more likely annie would say that the man needs to pay moree attention to his spouse, he works too much, etc.it would be his fault. being a man and talking to men all my life , i can tell you that 90 percent of the time it is the wife that doesnt want sex, and not like this story. men are easy to read. im hungry, im horny , im tired. period.

Comment: #3
Posted by: richard stith
Sun May 3, 2009 11:30 AM

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LW1: Regardless of whether it's the husband or wife who is having difficulty with participating in sex, the couple should discuss the problem first. Then the person who is "holding back" on having sex should see his or her doctor for a complete check up. I believe there are medications that may help with the problem, but as one poster commented, there are medications that the person may be taking for another condition that may actually be causing the problem with sex. In any case, if the doctor prescribes a medication, there should be a discussion about any possible side effects and health risks. Some risks may be higher for some people more than others based on their medical history so it shouldn't automatically be presumed that if there's a medicine for something, the problem is solved. And in response to some of the men who posted about Annie's answer, I have to agree that both a husband and a wife need to feel loved and appreciated to be able to fully participate in love making.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat
Sun May 3, 2009 5:26 PM

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I can tell by the comments that most people do not understand what the writer was trying to explain. I have been married to the most beautiful man I have ever known for 13 year now. We dated for 2 years - never lived together - only after we were married. He had never really dated so there were no ex-signafigant others. I had four children when we married (by the same man - I was divorced) who were all pre-teens. Sex for us has been a chore since the beginning of our marriage. Something was never right. I just love him so much I used to just cuddle up to him and then I would start to feel sexual feelings towards him. He would rejected me most times and I just felt aweful inside, eventually I stopped trying to initiate sex. . I know he loves me and I have never been able to understand how he did not feel the slightest bit of desire for me. I eventually convinced him to talk to his doctor to see if there were medical issues that kept him from sharing a physical relationship with me. After many tests the dr determined that there was nothing medically wrong with him and he prescribed viagra.
After the prescription, sex became something that we needed to schedule in advance so that he could take a pill in order to perform. I am not and will never will seek performance from the man I love. Once the dr prescribed the drug I have been careful not to make him feel that he has to perform to keep our marriage together.
I long to be desired by the man that I love with all of my heart. But I have resigned myself to the fact that this just is not in the cards for us.
The children have since moved out (more than 3 years now) I have realized that this will never happen. If I do not initiate sex we would never have sex, there is never any cuddling, There is never any fondling, there is never any passion. I know that he loves me and I know that he is not seeing anyone else.
But - I am so lonely. I miss that part of myself. I feel as though I have sold out. I am 47, just a little overwieght, but still quite actractive for my age and weight. I have a very good job and contribute my fair share to the household. I keep the house clean, I am a good cook and cater to every need I can.
Two months ago I confronted him because I wondered if he might be gay. I have been through every scenerio and nothing seems to fit our profile. Now it is even worse than before. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do,
I don't want to put additional pressure on him. But how do I love him with all of my heart and not have sexual feelings for him? How can he love me so much and never have any desire for me sexually. 15 years later I just don't have the answer......
So for 15 years I have felt that I am icky.... what other explaination is there?

Comment: #5
Posted by: Pat
Sun May 3, 2009 8:55 PM

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As much as I'm tempted to agree with Richard and Chris, I have to concur that the guy really should get checked out. (And for the record, it sometimes IS recommended that women with no libido get their hormonal levels checked by a doctor if everything else is normal.) Another possibility, however, is that the man has a porn addiction that he's been hiding. It has many of the same symptoms of an affair (loss of interest in the original partner, etc), the only difference being that there isn't actually an "other woman," just an "other outlet" for those natural urges. I can tell you that men who struggle with this sometimes lose interest in their wives, who no longer seem to "measure up" to the girls in the magazines or on the computer screen. These men might also point out that porn is simply less hassle than going through all the foreplay (not to mention the begging or housework) required to get to the sex. I can also tell you that such men are often quite adept at hiding this problem from their wives. Don't ask me how I know all of this.

Comment: #6
Posted by: Matt
Mon May 4, 2009 1:12 AM

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The wife said they were both 42 and had a 3 yr. old child. Perhaps he is afraid of another child. At there age they would be 60 befor they would be free of the kids. I know this would scare me. thanks

Comment: #7
Posted by: dave
Tue May 5, 2009 11:00 AM

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I think you should have suggested that the wife look for pornography websites on his computer or magazines in the house. I am almost divorced from a man who really just wanted sometone to take care of everything-- a mom. I too used to initiate and be turned down. I even beggeg. I am a fit, athletic 44 year old worman who stopped begging for sex. Anyway, many years I found a stash of pornography magazines and dvd. I've been replaced!

Comment: #8
Posted by: Theresa
Sun Jul 11, 2010 8:32 AM

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Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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Annie's Mailbox®, May 3

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