Dear Annie: I have been married for 25 years and have a 17-year-old son. My husband, "Jesse," is having an Internet affair with someone he met on the casino boats. I have been secretly reading his messages to her for over a year. He says it's just "Internet chat" and denies anything is going on.
I have proof Jesse is meeting this woman, and that he has given her money, a camera and offers of help because I have copies of his messages. He once asked her to get a hotel room, but she declined and said he was too pushy. When I try to talk to him about this emotional affair, he gets furious. He says I am snooping and sarcastically suggests he wear an ankle monitor so I can track him. He lies to me and to her, as well. He told her he lost his wife to cancer four years ago. It's unreal.
I am jobless (but looking) and need to get away from him, but I have nowhere to go and no money to do it. I also don't want to move and take my son out of school and away from his friends.
Jesse is a gambler and loses money that we need. Nothing I say to him makes a difference. He gambled away our tax refund. I hate him and my son hates him, too. Please help me. I am so depressed. — Without Hope in Indiana
Dear Indiana: You could use some perspective while you consider your options. Please don't transmit to your son how angry you are with your husband. He should not feel obligated to take sides.
You should contact Gam-Anon (gam-anon.org) at P.O. Box 157, Whitestone, NY 11357. Then check to see whether your state offers job training and placement assistance for women in your situation. You also can contact the YWCA in your area to see whether they offer any programs that will help you, including counseling.
Dear Annie: As the weather warms, motorcycle riders will happily mount up and enjoy the road.
I understand the desire to ride without a helmet, to have the wind in one's hair, to reject the laws that mandate helmets against your will. But statistics show there is a dramatic difference in outcomes for motorcycle accidents where the cyclist was wearing a helmet and where he wasn't.
My friends who work in hospital emergency rooms have told me their hearts sink when they hear that an incoming accident victim was a helmetless cyclist. They do their best, but so often it's a matter of stabilizing the victim until the family can decide whether to donate their organs before turning off the machines.
I ask that cyclists think of the heartache their family and friends will suffer. And if that's not a sufficient argument for you, then sign your donor card. My mother was the lucky recipient of a kidney from a person who did not wear a helmet. She grieved with the family that so generously gifted his organs to her and others. — Card-Carrying Donor in Evanston, Ill.
Dear Evanston: We hope all motorcyclists will read this letter — tape it to their bikes — whatever it takes to remind them to wear a helmet.
Dear Annie: The letter from "Not Burly About Kimberly" hit a note with me.
I, too, go by my full name, Pamela, and when someone shortens it to Pam, I let them know that I don't care for the nickname. If that doesn't work and they call me Pam again, I address them by a completely different name. When they correct me about their name, I tell them, "My name is Pamela. You'll get used to using it." That usually fixes the problem. — Pamela
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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I have been in that situation, and it's hell. Does your area not have a "women's shelter"? This is not just
for physical abuse victims, but for emotional and verbal abuse as well. They can get you out of the house
and/or provide free counselling. Look up "women's shelter indiana" on the internet.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Margaret
Fri May 1, 2009 4:34 AM
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You urged her to not pressure the son to take sides. Well, first, he already has, as indicated in her letter. And really, there is only one side here. Why should she want her son to have anything to do with this father who clearly does not love or support her or his son?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jonathan Roth
Fri May 1, 2009 6:28 AM
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Regarding motorcycle helmets, as a long time rider, I must disagree with the idea that helmets are the be-all and end-all to saving lives. This is a media driven myth perpetuated by well intentioned people who have never even sat on a motorcycle, let alone actually ride one.
ER personnel see only the worst cases, I know because i am a nurse with over 30 years experience. Helmets are designed to work at about 30mph and under. In some scenarios, the helmet can also break a rider's neck. At higher speeds, the most common cause of death is internal (trunk) trauma. If you compare the accident statistics from helmet states and non-helmet states, the fatality rates are almost identical.
The real life saver is education. The majority of 2 vehicle crashes involving a car/truck and a motorcycle are caused by the car driver turning in front of the rider, called "failure to yield" or "a right of way violation," wherein the driver did not see the rider. In drivers education, we are taught to look for the wider silhouette of an automobile or truck, nor are we taught that the smaller size of a motorcycle makes judging the speed of that oncoming bike more difficult. Add in that, in this tech-addicted society, drivers are talking on a cellphone or (worse yet) texting while driving. There are studies that definitively show that a person talking on a cellphone while driving is as impaired as a drunk driver and hands-free devices do not change that fact.
A motorcyclist's worst nightmare is the "soccer mom" in a minivan, talking on a cellphone with a load of kids in the back. I've had many of them try to share my lane with me. I don't share well.
All new and returning riders are encouraged to take the Motorcycle Safety Foundation's Basic Riders Course, where they are taught the basic skills that can save their lives while out on the mean streets. Once they have enough riding time, they can take the Experienced Riders Course. It is a proven fact that in states that have funded motorcycle safety programs, fatalities drop significantly and stay down.
There is a whole body of evidence to support these points, but I'm not going to bore the readers with dry facts. A good resource for further information is the Motorcycle Riders Foundation; their website is: www.MRF.org.
To sum everything up, please do not jump to the media driven conclusions. Most riders are educated and understand the risks and benefits of helmets. I challenge the car and truck drivers to be more aware of motorcycles on the road and PLEASE share. I also challenge any rider who has not taken the MSF Basic Riders Course to do so, it will save your life at least once in your riding career. And if your state requires an "M" endorsement on your drivers license, for God's sake, make sure you get it.
Thank you,
Carol S. King
Sec'y, ABATE of Tulsa, Inc.
Tulsa Chapter, ABATE of Oklahoma
www.ABATEofTulsa.com
www.ABATEofOklahoma.org
information line: 918-949-4204
Comment: #3
Posted by: Carol K
Fri May 1, 2009 8:08 AM
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My wife is distant. I think she is having an affair. She works in an industry that is all about Parties. She plans the party and she is the hostes. She is always the life of the party. Everyone loves her. She is always the life of the party. The problem is that is not really her. She doesn't really like people. She makes everyone think she loves listening to their problems, but in reality she thinks they all need to get a life.
Recently, my wife has been spending a lot of nights away from home. Always business related. When she is at home she is always out doing Girls Night Out events. She comes home very late. She has very little interaction with me any more. We have sex at least once a month. This is not a pleasuable situation. She really hates sex, she doesn't consider it love making, it is just sex. The other night we had sex and I told her how much I loved her and how great it felt to make love to her. She looked at me and told me that it was just an "orgasim", you had them before, you will have them again.
This really hurt my feelings. She is very cold and distant. Until she is around others. Friends, strangers it doesn't matter. It is always the same. She is on stage. She is wonderful in front of a group. But, when we are alone she wants nothing to do with me. And, if we do have sex. It is quick. She makes comments like, are you really going to do that again! You need to change it up! I would like to try something new, but she is so structured that if I say I would like experience something different, she says that she did that already with someone else and she doesn't like it that way. Boy, that has a wonderful effect on me, to know that my wife did an sexaul act with some other guy, but she doesn't want to try it with me.
I need your advise. I am considering divorce. I am growing to hate her and I don't want to. But, I can't stand to be treated like a second class citzen. She told me this morning that she doesn't have to treat me as good as she treats her friends, she married me, she sleeps with me. She needs to treat them better.
Heart Broken Bill
Comment: #4
Posted by: Bill
Fri May 1, 2009 8:26 AM
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We need Help fast. My 30 year old stepdaughters' 50 year old live-in boyfriend sent us an email announcing their engagement, a pending trip to India for Silk, and wanting to know how much her dad was gonna give them for the wedding (of which no date is set). "…would it be 35%, 55% or 95%" he asks but gives no clue about expected total, but could we give it to them now. We have both been unemployed since Novemeber, my husband lost his job while we were trying to have a mobile home put on our property, and we have been living in a 5th wheel ever since. (this is May) It's is also implied that if we don't pay for the wedding we won't be invited. When he called his daughter was sleeping and wouldn't come to the phone. What would your advice be? Father/daughter relations have always been strained but this may take the wedding cake. Do we sell the farm to get invited to this wedding?
Homeless and then some,
Penny
Comment: #5
Posted by: Penny
Fri May 1, 2009 9:33 AM
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Re: Bill
You need counseling pronto. Not sure how old you are but your wife sounds like she may be headed for menopause -- a time in which our hormones tell us to quit doing what doesn't work and get a new life. Not sure how long you've been married, but after a while it becomes monotonous for many couples. It's no one's fault -- routine tends to make couples take each other for granted and it becomes predictable. A lot of women don't like sex. Not sure why. Many women were raped and/or molested as children. Others feel it's bad or dirty. Try doing nice things for her, flowers, a spa day, a weekend together. Or do something sweet that you know she likes. There needs to be communication. And sometimes women just need space. The counseling will help you with the sex part, hopefully. Hang in there. Good luck.
Comment: #6
Posted by: osoozzq
Fri May 1, 2009 10:35 AM
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Penny,
If you can not afford to contribute to this wedding then don't. Keep calling until your husband can talk to his daughter, tell her congrats, you look forward to the wedding but are sorry you won't be able to help pay for it. So far it sounds like it is the boyfriend doing the shakedown for money, hopefully she has more sense.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Breanna
Fri Aug 28, 2009 9:22 AM
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to LW 1, doesnt she have any family or friends she & her son could move in with? she also needs proof oe her husbands actions so she can get at least half in the divorce! or all! what a creep!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Fran Van Unen
Tue Jun 22, 2010 7:31 AM
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