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Annie's Mailbox®, April 14
Dear Annie: My brother is married to a woman I will call "Devon." She is an only child and accustomed to having her way.
Our last surviving parent recently passed away, and Devon tried to manipulate the division of the estate. My brother took possession of almost all of my father's belongings, and I should have had most of Mom's things, but Devon wanted them for herself. And she got them.
I recently discovered she and my brother deceived me about certain estate items that were supposed to go to me but are now in their possession. I have grandchildren (which Devon will never have) and would like some of those heirlooms to pass on to them.
My brother is henpecked and does whatever Devon wants. Should I confront them or remain silent? — Florida Sister
Dear Florida: Who handled the estate? Was there a legal will giving you possession of these items? If your parents had a lawyer, there should be a written record of how the estate was to be distributed. If there was only a verbal understanding, you can still take your brother to court and a judge might agree that you are entitled to these things.
Before taking legal action, we suggest you talk to your brother directly. Explain how unfair it is that he got the bulk of both Dad's and Mom's estate, and that for the sake of your relationship, he needs to be more equitable. If he still won't part with anything, ask whether he would be willing to specify in his will that these heirlooms go to your grandchildren at his death.
Dear Annie: I live in a small town in Kentucky that has a lot of fast-food restaurants. Most of us eat there at least twice a week.
One of our local places employs a girl who I know has genital herpes. My family and friends all know and have stopped eating there, but I think other patrons should be aware of the herpes girl. I know for a fact she is still having sex with numerous people and not telling them she is infected.
Do we need to contact the local health department? The management at the restaurant put her at the drive-through window so she would not be handling food, but she still handles our money. What are the chances that we could catch this STD? — Grossed Out in Kentucky
Dear Kentucky: Unless the customers are having sex with the girl while they're waiting for their order, the chances of catching herpes are slim to none. Herpes is transmitted by direct skin-to-skin contact with an infected area. Please stop treating this girl as a pariah. Her condition affects you only if you are intimate with her. For more information and some reassurance, contact the American Social Health Association Herpes Resource Center (ashastd.org/herpes) at 1-800-227-8922.
Dear Annie: "Not Family Yet" said her fiance's "Grandpa Joe" molested his mother and sister, and the family has kept the secret under wraps. There are now young granddaughters who are at risk. Protecting these girls must take priority over protecting this serial molester to whom they have the ill fortune to be related. If the children are abused and later learn family members could have protected them, it will be almost as damaging as the abuse itself.
I was molested and ultimately raped at age 11 by an alleged friend of the family. It was several years before I told anyone, and when I did speak up, I learned another person in our circle had known about my abuser all along but remained silent. It's been 25 years and I still feel utterly betrayed.
I've been part of a few groups for survivors of childhood abuse, and an overwhelming majority are, like me, just as angry with those who let it happen as those who actually inflicted the harm. — Been Down that Road
Dear Been: Most of our readers agree with you and think the fiance should speak up, even if it means ending the engagement.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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13 Comments | Post Comment
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LW3: I feel bad that this lw was molested and raped. She is right that anyone knowing about a child molester should report it and they should make sure other people in the family know whenever possible. The LW appears angry that someone had known about her abuser when she was a child. She does not say this person knew that SHE was being abused, only that the person knew her abuser was an abuser. To be fair to this person, she should try to understand why he/she did not tell anyone. Was this person rather young at the time? Is there any reason to suspect that other people would not believe such an allegation? Had this person also been a victim and was perhaps having difficulty dealing with that? It's very easy to throw around blame in these circumstances, but people should know that it isn't easy to inform on an abuser if you are also a victim. Not only is it difficult to come forward and "expose" yourself, let other people know you've been molested, it's not unusual for abuse victims to not be believed. So then you end up not only abused, but accused of being a liar. That may not sound logical to some people, but believe me it happens. How often do we hear about a child being abused by a step-father and the mother chooses to believe the man's denials rather than give him up? For myself, I'd exposed two people to my mother - one was a boy who had been going into our home and stealing things, including money, from my parents' desk. My parents knew someone was taking things but didn't know who; I caught this neighborhood teenager red-handed. My mother was mad at me for embarrassing her. The other was a shop lifter whom my mother sent me to follow because she suspected the woman. I was perhaps 8 or 9 and when I saw the woman putting things inside her coat, I reported it in her hearing to my mother. My mother was embarrassed of all things and yelled at me for saying the woman was a thief and made me apologise to her. So after those kinds of things, I was supposed to tell her that my teen aged cousin was exposing himself to me or that her sister's husband had been molesting me? She would have told me to apologise to both of them for saying such things about them even though I'd have been telling the truth. So if anyone else became their victims, I don't feel it was my fault for not saying anything. I did tell when I got into my twenties but still felt perhaps I should have said something sooner. But deep in my heart, I know it wouldn't have done any good. I would have been told to stop lying.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat
Mon Apr 13, 2009 10:47 PM
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I would somehow like to get a response to "hurting parent" from April 9th.
It is VERY NORMAL for a 12 year old to walk past a full garbage can and not take it out. What isn't normal is the parent's response to this very small, almost insignificant act of selective vision at worst down to a little day dreaming.
This boy sounds like a great kid, but as he matures, they are driving a wedge if they don't start communicating on a more mature level, and that doesn't mean them talking and him listening, or them telling him to write a letter and when he does, they cry when it is not what they wanted to hear. They should be grateful He is telling them how He really feels. If they don't respond well, He won't try too often.
Whenever a child's maturity surpasses the parents, and in "hurting parents" case it didn't take long, children lose respect for the parent's judgement , as they should if they are reasonable, sensible kids. It doesn't mean the child doesn't love them, He is just disappointed and disillusioned that the two people He looked up to as a small child, are becoming silly and over reactive.
An option to their response would be a simple reminder to take out the garbage. It happens in the best of families. If this doesn't work, then ask what the problem is (not by letter) and then listen carefully to the answer and try implimenting the son's suggestions. If this doesn't work, talk again and come to a workable agreement. The boy sounds like he's a reasonable kid, he just needs reasonable parents. Oh, and I have NEVER seen "very strict" work well. The child inevitably rebels. Structured with room for exceptions is best, strict is liveable but not much fun, and very strict is totally unnecessary (especially with a good kid), and we need to ask ourselves who are we doing this for? Ourselves, so we can keep total control and feed our ego, or do we really feel it is the best way to grow a human being.
Comment: #2
Posted by: W
Tue Apr 14, 2009 12:34 PM
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Re: Pat
I am the writer of that letter.
"The LW appears angry that someone had known about her abuser when she was a child. She does not say this person knew that SHE was being abused, only that the person knew her abuser was an abuser."
Yes- I was very angry and still feel betrayed- No, this individual was not a youngster, nor was he another of my abuser's victims- he was an adult who, I learned later, was very much aware of the "tendancies" of my rapist and did suspect that I was being abused.... and couldn't be bothered to even whisper to my mom "Sam's not all that great a guy around kids." ... He admitted himself that there was no excuse for his failure to make even the slightest effort to get me out of harms way.
I fully recognize that few situations are black and white, but when an adult knows that a child is at risk and makes NO effort at all to mitigate that danger- there's no excuse.
If you knew a person was prone to... oh, let's say, stealing items from people's homes, would you then let a friend have that person housesit for them without a single word of caution?
If you saw a child sitting on railroad track and knew a train was coming, would you leave the child in the path of that oncoming train?
Comment: #3
Posted by: Shana
Tue Apr 14, 2009 8:48 PM
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This is a comment about Kentucky. I think you dropped the ball on that one. Yes the medical information is correct, but what this person is doing is called "Defamation of Character" in legal circles. Both the restaurant and the girl have legal recourse. This person sounds like either former partner or a girl whose guy slept with her. Either way they are treading on dangerously thin ice just to get revenge, or to be the the community's sanctimonious sex police.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Stephanie
Tue Apr 14, 2009 9:04 PM
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Re: Stephanie ---------------
My understanding of a defamation of character charge is that the truth of a statement is the legal defense for anyone charged with defamation of character. So if what the LW said is true, she has a legal defense. It's only defamation of character if someone states an untruth that damages a person's reputation. I would, however, question where the LW got the information. If it was from the medical facility that treated the girl, i.e. someone who worked at the facility, they are probably legally responsible for having given out private medical information to someone who has no right to have it. If the information came from someone the girl told, then the girl herself is responsible for having shared that information.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Pat
Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:00 AM
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Re: Shana ----- The problem with any of the letters written in these columns is that the lw can't possibly give ALL the information readers might be interested in. (In some cases, the information is so vague or incomplete that it amazes me that the columnists are able to give advice.) In your original letter, there were gaps in information from my perspective but in no way was I saying you are or were wrong for your feelings. Having "been there" myself, I know that you have every right to your feelings of anger and betrayal regarding both your molester and the person who could have said something that would have helped you. We see and hear so much about people just "looking the other way" when they suspect someone is in trouble and even when they see it with their own eyes. They are more concerned with protecting themselves from any problems or controversy from getting involved. That's the only reason I can think of why this person kept his mouth shut when you were being hurt. That makes me angry too. I wonder if he was concerned about being charged with "defamation of character" which Stepanie refers to in her comment regarding another letter in the column. I also wonder how this man knew about your molester's tendencies. Is it because he knew about another victim or because of the way the man spoke or acted around him or because he saw the man showed an interest in child porn?
Comment: #6
Posted by: Pat
Wed Apr 15, 2009 11:20 AM
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Hi, Pat,
You're right- a column is a lousy place to tell a story... and when I wrote the letter in response to "Not Family Yet", it was not my intention to "tell my story", it was my intention to give a little perspective on WHY I was saying that those abused often feel as much (sometimes more) anger towards those who let it happen when those people had both knowlege of a probable concern and a duty to the child being abused... I was just establishing the experience on which my comments were founded.
I failed to say in my first response how sorry I am that your experiences led you to the conclusion that speaking up only backfires, that's a dreadful thing to have to overcome. I'm not sure which would have hurt me more, if I'd been in your shoes- the abuse or that I couldn't turn to my mom for protection.
I promise you, if the person who did not speak up to protect me had been another scared, confused child (or teen), or someone less involved in our lives, I would not have ever felt the same rage I did at the *adult* (a contemporary of both my mom and my assailent)who acted like a friend to my family who *knowingly* left me in the path of an oncoming train.... I don't hold children or strangers to the same degree of obligation as I do trusted adults.
And I know someone will ask, so I'll answer in advance- I did not tell my mom for two reasons
- We were going through an awful time, she and my stepdad had just split up, we were in the middle of relocating to a new community, stone cold broke and very much in chaos and I wanted to spare her being more worried about me.... and I was only 11 and I had, up to that point, known only kindness, decency, love and safety from the adults around me - I knew I did not like what was happening and that I was VERY uncomfortable about it, but until this sick SOB actually raped me, I did not realize how twisted and wrong it was- The rape, I KNEW was WAY wrong- but still had no clue HOW wrong, or what the cost would be to me later on. At that point, I told him to leave me alone or I'd tell my mom (Again, no idea that his behavior was criminal and seriously twisted, I just figured mom could make him leave me alone because mom would never let anyone keep doing something I hated.)... and he left me alone thereafter- I was an honorable sort of child, raised to keep my word, so I did.... Only situation in my whole life that I regret keeping a promise or honoring a bargain (Insert wry smile here)
I think that's everything relevant.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Shana
Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:09 PM
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Oops, I failed to answer your last question- I don't know the specifics of what "Jim" (not his real name) knew or exactly how he knew it, I just know that when I ran into him in my late teens, he asked if I ever heard from Sam and I told him "No- and I better not!" (By then, I'd gotten a clue how awful his behavior had really been) Jim said he wasn't too surprised I felt that way... with a sinking feeling in my gut I asked why he wasn't surprised, and he said "Well, I know how he could be with kids and he spent a lot of time with you... I just assumed...."..... Then I slapped him so hard his nose bled (I may have broken it)and my hand hurt for a week..... Jim came and found me later that summer and apologized for not saying anything to me or my mom about Sam's habits or even just staying in the room when Sam was around me... Said it himself, there was no excuse, it was just easier to say nothing.... sometimes, a person has no right to do the "easiest" thing.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Shana
Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:32 PM
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Shana, I almost cheered aloud when I read that you actually hit that guy. I didn't only because it's late and everyone here is asleep. I'm not usually in favor of hitting people, but this guy deserved it if anyone did. I know that kids have their own reasons for doing or not doing things and one of those reasons is to protect their families. In my case, the abuse began when I was between 5 and 6. It was the mid 1950s and kids at that time were taught to be obedient to an adult. It seemed wrong but what did I know? I didn't say anything at the time just because I thought it was somehow my fault (kid-thinking) but I tried avoiding the "funny uncle" who always tried getting me alone right through my teen years. By the time I got a bit older and thought about telling my parents, my mom had already done the "blame the kid" thing with me to such an extent, I didn't trust that she'd even listen. There was also the possibility that if my dad believed me, he might really hurt this uncle and then end up in jail. So it just wasn't possible to say anything as far as I could see. In fact, I didn't tell anyone until after my dad and then "funny uncle" died when I was around 20. My mom didn't want me to say anything to anyone (still the embarrassment factor going on). I'm not sure she ever did believe me and she certainly didn't want to stir things up in the family. I finally told my sisters and some cousins who I'm close to. They all denied anything happening to them but one of my older sisters said a cousin her age once said something that made her think this uncle may have done the same thing to this cousin. She's 11 years older than I am; so my not saying anything would not have affected her. This cousin has always denied to me that anything happened to her, but I suspect that it's one of those things some people either block out or continue to deny as their way of dealing with it. It never occurred to me to think she could have said something because of my own reactions. I just could not have said anything to anyone sooner than I did and even then it was hard. It's funny how once you start talking about that stuff, the easier it becomes and the easier it is to let it go - or at least the fear seems to loosen it's grip on your soul. I didn't experience the rape as you did, but I think it's because I was fortunate enough to always have people nearby. Somehow I just knew to avoid being near this guy as much as possible and stuck pretty close to others when he was in the vicinity. Obviously, as in your case, not everyone is able to do that. And that of course is the crux of the matter and why it behooves people who know that someone is a child molester to reveal that to other people who need to know. Kids can't protect themselves. Adults need to step up to the plate and protect the kids.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Pat
Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:12 PM
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Re: Pat.
Thanks for the cheers about my pasting "Jim" a good one... he did have that coming though I usually think violence is wrong... I actually really enjoyed the ache in my palm and wrist in the days that followed... and knowing now that you're a full generation ahead of me explains so much- When you were growing up, a victim never had a chance, and I'm so sorry for everyone who grew up then that got hurt by someone they should've been able to trust... not only was there abuse but to add insult to injury, back then "nice people" did not discuss suck things.... mercifully, for me, things were different by the time it was me on the tracks, but you really would have been fighting an uphill battle, not just with your mom, but with the entire social structure of that moment.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Shana
Thu Apr 16, 2009 6:28 PM
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Re: Shana, I think we're becoming friends with all this writing back and forth. When I was young, a lot of women didn't report rapes because the police would somehow blame them. If it went to trial, the defense lawyer would paint the woman in a bad light. It was her fault because she was out late at night, she was wearing a suggestive dress, she was wearing make-up so of course she was "looking for it" and so on. The police and the trials just made her a victim again and again. Nowadays we point fingers at Muslim nations whose laws decree that a woman shouldn't talk to a man she isn't married to or related to or wear western clothing because it's promiscuous. In some a woman can be stoned for having an affair and she is blamed if she's raped. But even 40 or 50 years ago, our own attitudes weren't very much better.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Pat
Thu Apr 16, 2009 9:40 PM
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If an adult is aware of the abuse and fails to warn those in danger they are as guilty as the pedophile or rapist. I have warned my own and other children to NEVER BE ALONE with this scum. My mother and sister thought I was over reacting but I notice now there are other grand children this rat is not invited to family events.
Comment: #12
Posted by:
Tue Feb 1, 2011 1:14 PM
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Good for punching that COWARDLY SPINELESS PIECE OF GARBAGE in the face. At least he finally felt SOME pain.
Comment: #13
Posted by: JMM
Thu May 26, 2011 9:45 AM
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