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Annie's Mailbox®, December 6

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Dear Annie: I am 48 years old and my brother is a year older. I have always helped my parents with everything. When I was 13 and my grandparents became ill, I did all the housecleaning, yard work and food shopping for them. Now I am always the one who runs to my parents' house anytime they need me.

My brother does very little because he lives far away. I guess I always did these things to win approval from my parents. Growing up, my brother was always everyone's favorite, but I thought when we became adults my parents would view us as equals.

Yesterday, Dad had surgery, and both my brother and I were there. When Dad finally woke up, he was glad to see me, but when he saw my brother, he said, "Oh, my favorite is here!" It hit me like a rock. After all these years, he prefers my brother to me.

I didn't stay at the hospital long. I wanted to get away before I cried. Why would he do this? He is 74 years old and he needs me, but I don't want to see him now because he hurt me so much.

What should I do? Should I ignore the comment and keep being the good child? I don't want to mention the comment to my mother because she'll get angry and yell at my father. I need some guidance. — Little Sister

Dear Sister: A child can be a "favorite," but that doesn't always mean he or she is appreciated more than another child. And it's not uncommon for parents to value the child they see less often, because visits are so rare. Please try to forgive your father for the attention he gave your brother. When he is feeling better, you should discuss this with him directly and see if you can help him understand why his comment hurt so much.

Dear Annie: We have family members with small children who invite themselves to our home every year around the holidays. We have a small house with no extra room.

Each year they pile in on us for at least a week. Although money is not an issue for them, my husband refuses to suggest they get a hotel room. Instead, we have complete chaos.

We barely make ends meet, yet we are expected to provide expensive entertainment, meals and laundry service. It takes days to get our home back in shape when the herd finally departs and even longer to replenish our bank accounts.

We love seeing the family, but we simply do not have the space or the money. I know I have two choices — put up with it or risk creating a family rift. But I am — Looking for Option Three

Dear Option Three: You can make plans to go away during the time your relatives descend on you, but if your husband enjoys the company and refuses to have them board elsewhere, he's not likely to go for it. If these are his relatives, you are stuck. If they are yours, explain that it's getting too crowded to be fun and give them the names of nearby hotels. Assign chores, and if they stay longer than a weekend, send them to the grocery store with a list so they can chip in for a meal, which, if they had any sense, they would offer to do. And cut back on the entertainment.

Dear Annie: My son and I read the letter from "Perplexed in Pennsylvania," whose annual party is ruined because "Ed" brings his own bottle and proceeds to become drunk, rude and obnoxious.

We think they should videotape Ed at the next party. Give him the tape privately, and tell him if he can't behave, he won't be invited in the future. — Palmetto, Fla.

Dear Palmetto: They've already tried talking to him, but a videotape might provide more compelling evidence. If not, we agree he shouldn't be invited back.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.


Comments

5 Comments | Post Comment
This is for Looking for Option three: if these are your husband's relatives, try talking to your husband. Explain that you enjoy seeing the family (make sure you use "the" instead of "your" family) but that worrying over the bills and cleaning the house afterwards is taking a toll on you. If your husband has half a heart or spine, he'll ask them to either pitch in or find a hotel. If he doesn't, use the money you would normally spend on them and go, by yourself, to a nice B&B and let him take care of "the" family by himself. He'll see what it's like to do this alone. It might give him pause for next year...good luck!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Sat Dec 6, 2008 7:23 AM
I disagree. I've been both the daughter and now the parent. Parents should not have favorite children. You can be closer to one over the other but that's based on how the child relates with the parent. I am closer to my mother than my sister not because I am the "favorite". Yes, we all joke about who Mom loves best etc- we can do this in fun because we know our mother loves us all equally. I do not have a favorite child, as I love my children equally. If my father had referred to my sibling as his favorite, I would be very hurt and the next time my father required any help, I would tell him to contact my brother. It is intolerable that a parent would refer to one child as his favorite and that the favorite child would stand mute. Once Dad apologized, then you can forgive him for being a Dumbass.
Comment: #2
Posted by: janet
Sat Dec 6, 2008 10:34 AM
Little Sister, It is very common for people to talk nonsense when they are coming out of anesthesia. Dad probably didn't mean what he seemed to be saying. In my own family, one brother seems to be the favorite while other siblings do more for our parents. Try not to dwell on it.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Donna
Mon Dec 8, 2008 6:43 AM
I agree with Marie-Claude and was going to suggest the same thing myself. Take your own holiday... visit friends, other family, or just go to a nice motel and have some relaxing days to yourself. If you stay in town you can go over for the holiday meal to be with the group and if they ask why you are staying in a motel, just say that the holidays are a time for you to relax and you just need a more quiet environment to do that. Then... tell your husband to let you know when the house is back in order after their departure... meaning it looks the same as when you left. Don't go back until HE has done the cleaning up. And... perhaps he won't even mind doing all this work and you have now created a nice holiday tradition for yourself.
Comment: #4
Posted by: MediumSizedSueOrlando
Mon Dec 8, 2008 7:59 AM
Yet ANOTHER woman who tries to win (through slavery) kindness and love from people who have none to give. Face it, your father takes you for granted and always will because you let him.

STOP IT. STOP being the doormat. STOP being the caretaker. Live you own life. Walk away and let LazyBrother pick up after Daddy. Dad needs to reap what he has sown. When LazyBumBrother leaves and Dad's alone, maybe he'll realize just what he's done.
Comment: #5
Posted by: JMM
Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:44 AM
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