Dear Annie: I recently found out that my 14-year-old grandson has been taking money from my billfold. I called his mother about it. She confronted him and he admitted it. However, so far I haven't received an apology from him.
My daughter is a single mom and works nights. I go to her house and spend time with the kids while she works. (This grandson is the youngest.) I think my daughter should work days so she knows what is going on in her home at night. What's your opinion? — A Few Dollars Out
Dear Few Dollars: Please don't criticize your daughter's hours. We assume she works nights because that's the best she can do financially. Teenagers steal for many reasons. The boy could need more attention from Mom, or he may be trying to compete with or impress his friends, or something worse. However, your daughter should not ignore this. Your grandson should apologize to you and repay the money, either with his allowance or by doing chores. Your daughter also can call her son's school and speak to the guidance counselor if there is one.
Dear Annie: I've been working as a receptionist at a retirement home for four years. Everything about this job is terrific. It's close to home, my boss treats me wonderfully and the pay is good.
I just have one problem. There is an elderly woman who is a resident at the home and works the reception desk right before I arrive. "Rosalie" is constantly pointing things out that she considers improper. She lingers around my desk trying to find fault with everything I do. She criticizes my handwriting, the way I interact with residents, and says I am "snooty" with my nose in the air.
This comes as a surprise to me because I greet everyone with a smile as they come in and know most of the residents by their first names. I've never had a problem with anyone except Rosalie. Should I say something about this? How do I deal with her? — Arizona Receptionist
Dear Arizona: With humor and forbearance.
Rosalie thinks criticizing you will make her superior, and she needs reassurance that she still matters. Give her your biggest smile, be super-friendly, tell her how smart she is and how much you appreciate her pointers, and then ignore her. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with how insecure Rosalie is. She needs to feel important. Let her.
Dear Annie: You hit the nail on the head with your response to "Cinderella's Stepmother." We, too, have had to deal with my in-law's extreme favoritism for my husband's son from his first marriage.
When my husband and I had our first child together, my in-laws sent us a basket with a box of condoms — the clear message being that we were not to bring any more children into the family to compete with "The Precious." They told us they only wanted to see my stepson and not the rest of our family on weekends. My father-in-law made sure The Precious was the only grandchild to benefit when the great-grandmother died. And when my mother-in-law passed away, he doled out thousands more to the boy, indulging his extravagant whims while barely acknowledging the other grandchildren. As our kids got older, they resented the blatant favoritism.
It's important not to make excuses to children for their relatives' bad behavior. They will know the truth anyway, and it's best to deal with it honestly. I used to tell the children, "Life is often unfair. Let's not dwell on it."
My children are now in their teens. They are very close to my mother, who loves them all deeply and equally. They have little love or respect for my father-in-law, who thought he needed to compensate The Precious with the lion's share of everything. Honestly, it's his loss. — Rising Above in the Mile-High City
Dear Rising Above: We firmly believe what goes around comes around.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Several months ago you wrote a artical on Do Doogs Go To Heaven . Could you send me a copy of that . I am in need of it for a friend who had to put her dog to sleep .
Thank You ,
joe Wood
Comment: #1
Posted by: joe Wood
Fri Nov 28, 2008 6:59 AM
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I had to write and totally diagree with the advice you gave the Arizona receptionist. I, too, was in the exact same situation, for years. I came to work always cheerful, ready to work and learn. I would relieve another "elderly woman", who worked at our retirement home, for years. She was "MISERABLE", everybody knew this. Every afternoon I would arrive for work, she would start, "hurry up I have to get home!" But, for the next half-hour she would sit and ridicule and belittle me in front of my co-workers! I took this awful treatment far too many years, I needed the income!
I am sorry to disagree with you, but these women already thought or knew they were important, because they were able to give this treatment, without being stopped!. You needed to tell her this treatment/abuse (is what it is) is unaccepted. To go to her Supervisor, and explain, then inturn, all the Supervisor needed to do, was explain. to this woman that they were both doing a good job. That this criticising , will not be tolerated! Or else, she will not stop, because she knows she is geeting away with it.
Thank you, Have a great day
ANNIE
Comment: #2
Posted by: ANNIE
Fri Nov 28, 2008 8:53 AM
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LW1: Like the kid couldn't steal during the day? Please, no one works nghts by choice. Cut the mom some slack
Comment: #3
Posted by: Breanna
Fri Nov 28, 2008 11:51 AM
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As for the step-parents who treated the one child with favoritism... in this, and in other situations, I often read that someone did "thus and so" but I never read where anyone ever sat down with them and asked "why?"
No one likes being criticized and I wonder if these people become entrenched in their position because of how they are first approached about it (as in, "if I change what I am doing I am admitting I was wrong").
I had two step-siblings in my class and noticed that the Mother seemed to give one a lot more attention than the other and it seemed to really cause problems between the two of them. I thought it was horrible that she gave her own child so much more attention and favoritism and I really wanted to blast her for it.
But being a professional I had to be diplomatic so I simply asked her in a private meeting if what I was observing was accurate and, if it was, if there was something I needed to be aware of.
I was really surprised to learn that the one getting the extra attention was NOT her son... but was the step-child. Turned out that she felt extremely bad for him because his mother had died and when she married his Father she felt like she and her son would not be accepted by him. She thought the extra attention was a good idea until I pointed out that it was actually causing resentment with her own son and the step-brother was becoming defensive and withdrawn from his new step-brother because of it.
We decided to have a private meeting with her own son where she apologized to him and explained what she was thinking. She then asked him what he thought about it and what he would feel like if his situation was reversed with his step-brother. Even at the age of 6 he was wise enough to understand and even asked if there was something he could do to help his step-brother too. Then we all met with the two boys, the father and mother together. The step-brother admitted that he liked the extra attention at first from his new step-mother, but now just wanted to be treated "normally."
It still took a few weeks before things started to change, but soon I saw the boys acting more like friends and brothers, rather than rivals.
Sometimes people feel they have valid reasons for their (even bizarre) behavior. But how often is it that we "interpret" the situation ourselves and react in a knee-jerk fashion to the behavior rather than sitting down and simply asking about their thoughts and feelings?
I think that it is somewhat arrogant when we automatically assume we know people's motives, or assume that our opinion is the only "right" one. Opening a dialog, asking questions and listening with an open mind is a much easier way to get to the bottom of a problem and, sometimes, we might actually learn something that makes us change OUR mind.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Sarah
Fri Nov 28, 2008 1:00 PM
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Re the 14 year old who stole money from his grandmother's wallet...
Yes! Confront the child
Yes! Make him pay the money back
NO! NO! NO! Don't assume that he is a problem child and go running to the school counselor. This is a family problem. Try hadling it in the family first. Don't seek professional help prematurely. You will lable the boy as a theif. Schoool's keep records of such occurances and that record could affect the boy later down the line. Since Grandma is so axious to have her daughter change her work schedule, SHE may be the one with the problem
Comment: #5
Posted by: kathleen
Fri Nov 28, 2008 3:44 PM
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Grandma should not assume the boy is a problem kid or that supervision is the issue because he stole money from her wallet. When I was only a little younger, I stole from my mother's wallet, not because I did not know better but because there were things I wanted, I had no good way to earn money, and she seemed to have so much. I didn't understand that she had so "much" because the bills she had to pay were bigger than I could conceive of! When caught and confronted, my mom and I had a serious talk about money, and I learned an important lesson about something other than money, as well: I never wanted to feel like dirt again, and the money I had taken was a pretty poor exchange for my self respect. If the daughter is a single mom, the grandson probably does want for things other kids have, and he may have the illusion that grandma has so much she'll hardly miss it. While he should apologize, it will be more sincere if someone makes sure, first, that he understands what it means to be on a fixed income, and what kinds of bills grandma has to pay. Then there should be a talk about how he felt about himself when he was stealing, and whether he ever wants to feel that way again. Finally, there should be assistance finding a legitimate way to earn a little more spending money, so he learns firsthand how much better it feels owning things you've earned the money to pay for, rather than having the things you buy be a reminder of how low you've sunk. Unless he really IS a problem kid, that should do the trick -- and the teachable moment will have been well worth its price.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kathleen
Tue Dec 2, 2008 6:04 AM
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As for the grandparents who shun the other children and showers the oldest one with favors. First they are hurting themselves, they are hurting the "precious one" and they are hurting the younger children. They are missing so much. I had in laws like that and being a "good girl" I withstood it far too long and was "nice." They just trampled all over me and this is important: My husband took his parents side. Not a good idea, guys. If the in laws would have sent me a basket of condoms, I would have sent them back to them with a letter stating that they were not to contact me or my familiy in anyway, ever again. And if they did I would get a restraining order against. Even if they saw me in the store they were to look the other way and not acknowledge me. Fortunately my monster in law was not quite that bad. The young couple just has to set up some boundaries.
Comment: #7
Posted by:
Tue Dec 2, 2008 8:05 AM
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