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Annie's Mailbox®, June 26
Dear Annie: My wife and I met when we were in college. We are now 43. Ten years into the marriage, I became addicted to cocaine. We separated five years ago, but remain very close.
I have been clean for a year and want to pursue our relationship as husband and wife. We still love each other and enjoy one another's company. We also find each other physically attractive, but she refuses to return to the marriage or have a sexual relationship. It's like being married without the physical contact. I have tried, but she always pushes me away. She wants the financial support, but not the emotional involvement. I am tired of this situation. I can't live without her, and I hate living apart. I want her back. What should I do? — Gaithersburg, Md.
Dear Gaithersburg: We don't know why your wife has no interest in a reconciliation. The best way to get to the heart of the matter is to seek professional counseling, preferably with your wife. However, if she won't go, it means she has no interest in changing the situation. The counselor will then help you decide what your next step should be. It is unfair for you to remain in limbo. If she isn't willing to be a complete partner, with all the trimmings, she should set you free, emotionally and legally.
Dear Annie: My husband's nephew is getting married soon, and we received our invitation three weeks ago. The problem is, they didn't invite my kids, who are in their 30s. I realize people can invite whomever they choose, but couldn't they have at least invited their first cousins to the dance? They have always gotten along beautifully.
There are going to be 150 people at the wedding, and only six of them are related on my husband's side. It has made me not want to go. I can't understand it. We've been family for 35 years. — Hurt and Angry
Dear Hurt: Unless you have planned a wedding, you may not appreciate how complicated the process can be. They undoubtedly have a limited guest list, not only for financial reasons, but possibly due to the size of the room. That includes available space for dancing. Perhaps they didn't invite any cousins at all, from either side. People should not impose their preferences on others' guest lists. We don't believe this was an intentional slight, so please attend the wedding for your husband's sake and try to have a good time.
Dear Annie: "Concerned About My Son's Future" said her son experienced a mental breakdown during his first semester in college. I am saddened that this happened, but as a college administrator, I am troubled by her question: "What are the nation's colleges doing about this problem?" The question implies that schools should provide regular mental health screenings for all students, and residence halls should be staffed with licensed professional counselors.
Colleges are educational institutions, not total care facilities. While we provide a variety of services to assist students with personal growth and development, it is not our job to anticipate or prevent every mental health issue. I'm sad the "school didn't seem to care," and I am sure they were "interested in avoiding liability" because of the parents' implication that the school should somehow have been able to anticipate the very problem his parents were unable to foresee. — College Administrator
Dear Administrator: You are correct that some problems cannot be anticipated, and schools should not be blamed for this. But when parents send their children off to college, the school assumes the role of guardian. Even though most kids are over 18 and legally responsible for themselves, parents need to believe their child is being watched over and that serious problems will be noticed.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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Oh, my. What happened to Annies? Are they on vacation, and the column is being written by a flaky teenager who can't be bothered to give the letters a thought? First, they don't know why LW1's wife doesn't want reconciliation. Really? Really? I mean, the guy was a coke addict for 9 years at least, if my math is correct. They married in college, so say they were 22-23 years old. They are now 43. Ten years into the marriage (age 33, roughly) the guy became a coke-head. The wife put up with it for 5 years, and then 5 years ago they separated. He got clean a year ago, so there were 9 years of addition, where all of his money probably went up his nose. What a surprise that she doesn't want him back in her life, clean or not. Trust is not regained easily, and sometimes not ever.
Second, what's with the rationalization for why LW2's adult kids were not invited to their cousins' weddings? They are adults! They don't get invited on the same invitation as mom and dad. Annies should have told LW2 to cut the apron strings to her 30-something-year-old children and let them handle their own issues with their cousins. The reason why they didn't get invited doesn't matter. Oh, and I bet you LW2 would want the kids' significant others invited too, and their own kids if they have any.
Third, and I am quoting: "But when parents send their children off to college, the school assumes the role of guardian. Even though most kids are over 18 and legally responsible for themselves, parents need to believe their child is being watched over and that serious problems will be noticed" No, no, no. You don't "watch over" people above the age of majority. The school does not assume the role of a guardian. You can't be a guardian to an adult presumed to be mentally sound. Serious problems are, in fact, often noticed, and instructors do get information on how to pay attention to potential problems and how to refer students to health and psych services, but a professor or an administrator cannot *make* a troubled student actually go see a counselor or a doctor. And if a student stops showing up for class, there is nothing that actually can be done. In a smaller class, the instructor may *try* to get in touch with the student and attempt to find out what is going on, but if the student is not responding, what is the instructor supposed to do? In larger lectures, with several hundred students in them, the instructor is not even going to notice a missing student. Universities stopped acting in loco parentis decades ago. There is a term for the parents who need to believe that their *adult* child is being watched over once he or she leaves the mom and dad's home - helicopter parents.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:27 PM
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Thank you, Ariana. This column is spewing out less and less relevant advice, rarely asking people to be responsible for themselves or their children. Either they are editing the meat out of the letters or they're becoming the type of victim-engendering people that expect others to take care of them.
Comment: #2
Posted by: julia
Fri Jun 26, 2009 3:06 AM
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You told College Administrator, "Even though most kids are over 18 and legally responsible for themselves, parents need to believe their child is being watched over and that serious problems will be noticed."
Okay ... up to a point. I think that if a parent has any reservations at all about the 'child' being able to handle going away to college, then the parent must realize that it's too early to send the kid off; wait until he or she is an adult. Children need to be reared to be independent by the time they are college age. If they can't handle independence then, the parents need to do some remedial work. I'm not trying to be harsh ... it's just a reality.
Comment: #3
Posted by: nick1010
Fri Jun 26, 2009 3:26 AM
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I could not disagree more with the comment that college kids should be watched over by the administration - and I have my first child leaving for college in August. If the LW's child were moving out into an apartment of their own (not going to school), would the landlord be held responsible for their health and welfare? What about the neighbors? Or maybe the police should be required to stop by regularly to make sure all is well with them? That parent hasn't done a very good job if, by this age, the child is not self-aware enough to transition to the next stage of life.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Chi town
Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:15 AM
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College Administrator didn't mention that teachers are legally not allowed to warn parents of any problem, due to "privacy" laws. If a student is acting nutty, all we can do is suggest to the student that he/she go to the counseling center. Oddly, other students can go to the counselors to complain that this student is acting oddly and that they fear for their safety, but again all the counseling service can do is ASK the problem student to come in for a talk. If they refuse to come in there is nothing the counselors can do.
I am professor who has dealt with it all. including a suicide that I saw coming but could not get the administration to do anything.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:35 AM
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One of the hardest things for an addict to face is that some of the consequences of their addiction can be permanent. It seems to be a thing with alcoholics, cocaine addicts, etc., to declare they are all better now and to wish to go back exactly to the way things used to be before their problem overwhelmed them, but sometimes it just isn't possible. Sometimes there is just too much water under the bridge.
Comment: #6
Posted by: pinetree
Fri Jun 26, 2009 9:47 AM
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There have been several comments left regarding the role of the adminstration in colleges. I couldn't agree with those posts more. As a college professor, my responsiblity to is teach my students. I work at a mid-size community college and teach criminology and sociology classes. Both departments are not very large, and therefore I know a good majority of my students somewhat personally. However, there are some students that are new to the program, or whom I haven't had in class before. I make a point on my syllabi to tell ALL my students that I am always available to talk with them regarding any problems they might be having, whether they be related to class or not. However, I also inform them that I don't know all of them well enough to be able to determine if something is wrong.
One poster commented that it is, in fact, illegal for professors to contact anyone OTHER than the student regarding that student (with the exception of other school administration, if the student's behavior is disruptive). Someone mentioned "helicopter parents". These are the parents of my students who want to call me to talk about why little Johnny failed the class..."But he was at every class!! How come he didn't get an A?"
While I would LOVE to tell that parent that little Johnny is not being honest with them because, in fact, he has only come to class 3 times, I CANNOT BY LAW tell that parent ANYTHING! As an instructor with a course load of 3-5 classes to teach, it is not my responsibility or even MY RIGHT to police my students outside of my classroom. We are talking about ADULTS here; when you are in college, you are treated as such. Parents who need to believe that their college aged children are being "watched" over perhaps do not need to be sending that child to college.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Aimee
Sat Jun 27, 2009 7:58 AM
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I could not agree more, Ariana. "Annie" totally missed the boat here. I imagine (luckily no firsthand experience here) that 5 years of marriage to a cokehead is akin to five years in Hell, and it seems like his ex has been completely emotionally supportive as a friend, but has resisted the temptation to lead him on by having for-old-times-sake sexual encounters with him. Sounds like she's got her head screwed on right in this situation, and he should take this as a learning experience and be glad he hasn't alienated her as a friend. And the college is a guardian? Come on! College communities provide support and resources, but they're not a one stop shop, and any adult who isn't ready to take responsibility for seeking out the resources they need for themselves may not be ready for college to begin with. It's adult life, not adult practice.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Nichole
Sun Jun 28, 2009 4:51 PM
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"When parents send their kids off to college, the school assumes the role of guardian."
What?! Since when?!
I thought that when "parents send their kids off to college," those "kids" have become adults, and are responsible for themselves. Of course, colleges should aim to provide a safe campus, a quality education, and resources for students including mental and physical health SERVICES, but it is not a day care, and they cannot force help on adults who refuse to accept it or seek it.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Jocelyn
Mon Jun 29, 2009 10:17 AM
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