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Annie's Mailbox®, January 30
Dear Annie: I am a 23-year-old girl, and my best friend, “Natalie,” is my roommate. We have been best friends since childhood and have a strong bond. We went to the same high school, now attend the same college and even studied abroad together.
The problem is, Natalie has a tendency to be a storm cloud of negativity. Even though she has a great boyfriend, lots of good friends, plenty of money and a terrific family, her ability to always focus on the negative is beginning to wear on me.
For 10 years, I have fought my hardest to make her smile no matter what it took. Two months ago, I threw a surprise birthday party for her. She’d been telling me for nearly a year that she couldn’t wait to have a great birthday with her friends away from home. I did my best to prepare everything perfectly and spent a lot of money and energy. But I felt it was worth it for my best friend. Everything seemed to be going perfectly until she began crying at the party. Afterward, I asked her what was going on. She said she wasn’t getting enough attention at the party.
Annie, everyone was fawning all over her the entire night, but somehow it wasn’t sufficient for Natalie. After this, I started to withdraw from her. No matter how hard I try to please her, it’s never good enough. Right now, I don’t want to do anything more for her because it’s too painful. Am I out of line to feel this way? What can I do to make her happy? — Best Friend Forever
Dear BFF: Nothing. Natalie isn’t simply a “storm cloud of negativity,” dear. She’s a bottomless pit of emotional need and sounds a bit self-absorbed, as well. Your efforts will never be good enough. The best thing you can do for her is recommend she get therapy to find out why she is unable to appreciate the good things in her life.
Dear Annie: I am a 65-year-old man, married to my lovely wife for 40 years. I love her more now than when we first met.
Our sex life used to be great but, as expected, has slowed over time. A year ago, my wife told me we will no longer be having sex. She said she no longer wants or enjoys it. She has a vaginal dryness problem, and her desire has gone to zero. She moved into the guest bedroom, claiming I snore too much.
She also avoids all affectionate contact. We hardly kiss anymore, and I am not allowed to touch her or even see her body. She is a very attractive woman. I have no idea if she has a problem being with me or if it’s age related. She will not discuss it or talk to a doctor. I miss being intimate with her. Does this happen to all couples our age? — Frustrated in N.J.
Dear N.J.: Not all couples, but unfortunately, it is also not uncommon. It is likely age-related. Your wife isn’t interested in intimacy any longer, and she doesn’t want to encourage you by kissing or touching. The problem is her unwillingness to discuss it or find ways to work on it. Tell her she is risking the marriage, and ask her to come with you for counseling. We hope she will.
Dear Annie: “Going Gray” doesn’t want to color her hair. She knows the gray makes her look old enough to be mistaken for her husband’s mother or her son’s grandmother, and she still chooses not to color it. Why would she need a snappy comeback? It’s her choice. She can’t have it both ways. — What’s the Problem?
Dear What: We agree. If she chooses to let her hair go gray naturally, she should not be surprised to be mistaken for someone older. It comes with the territory. But we don’t believe she was looking for anything “snappy.” Rather, she wanted something to correct a mistaken impression.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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10 Comments | Post Comment
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I had a friend like LW1's, several years ago. She lived to complain. If some guy didn't call or dumped her over the weekend, on Monday morning she would tell everybody in the office the sad story. I'd hear her repeating it verbatim as she moved around the small offices that surrounded the common area. Once, I commented to her boss that you'd think by the time she'd repeated it three times she'd get tired of hearing it, herself.
She would go to therapy, but if she started to get better or started having to change, she'd quit. One day she went home at lunch and didn't come back because one of the other girls didn't say "Good morning" to her. I tried to stay in touch with her for over 20 years, but I got tired of hearing her problems for hours. Finally, when I moved, I didn't tell her. People like this don't want to get better. They thrive on being miserable, and they're like vampires because they will drain the people around them.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Jan 29, 2010 11:49 PM
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I work with a lady who is worst than the person BFF wrote about. Every morning she has this doomed look on her face. When I ask. "How are you today?" she just stares at me and then after a moment of silence she will say, "Terrible or You don't really want to know?" and she will go into everything she disllikes about life, her husband, children and food. I have given her hugs, words of comfort, and everything else I can think of, but she rather be miserable. It had gotten to the point where I started feeling bad when I would see her, because I knew I was in for another depressing conversation. Once I saw things weren't going to get any better, I decided I couldn't afford to allow her to rain on my parade or bring me down with her, so I prayed for her and now when I see her I say, "Good Morning!" and I don't even wait to hear her long sad sighs or stories. I just keep it moving. These type of people are going to be miserable until the day they die or decide it's not worth it. I have found you can't lift someone who enjoys being down. Just pray for them and keep it moving.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Katherine
Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:58 AM
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It's a natural part of aging that a woman loses interest in sex.Indeed, females of any species that are past child-bearing generally lose interest in sex. The problem is that our society places such an over-inflated value on sexual gratification. Instead of placing so much pressure on a woman who's had enough after 40 years, "Frustrated" should accept that this is the natural order of things and get over it. Maybe he can take a pill to reduce his libido.
Comment: #3
Posted by: MsRadooo
Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:09 AM
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Why should this husband "take a pill" to make himself not want sex just because his wife doesn't want sex? Maybe he should take a mistress instead. The wife has made it clear she doesn't care in the least about what he wants or needs.
I think the commenters are right about LW1's self-absorbed BFF - she's a positive energy vampire and feeds on people who are loving and concerned. Nothing will be enough for her so this BFF should save herself and get out. I just wonder at the ridiculous question "Am I wrong to feel this way?" There's a reason why these two found each other. (BTW, NO ONE can MAKE another person happy.)
Comment: #4
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Jan 30, 2010 7:28 AM
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Regarding LW1: I agree with the suggestion for therapy because it sounds like the LW friend suffers from clinical depression (based on the duration of time this has been going on). I didn't put the burden on my friends to cheer me up, but I spent years being very unhappy and not knowing why. I'd lash out at my husband for no reason and neither of us could understand why I was so unhappy. My "Ah ha!" moment came one summer: I was on vacation from a wonderful job, sitting in the house we had just bought (that I loved) watching my adorable 2-year old daughter playing and I realized I was miserable. When my husband got home that night I told him "I think I might have clinical depression" and I made an appointment with my doctor the next day. I've been on anti-depressant medication ever since as I am one of the small percentage of the population whose brain chemestry apparently does not produce enough seritonen (an inherited condition from my mother's side of the family).
I strongly recommend the LW urge her friend to see a doctor or councilor and discuss the possibility of clinical depression. When my doctor asked me when I had last been truely happy I honestly couldn't remember - my best guess was elementary school. IF the LW'S friend does suffer from depression (and I'm not saying she does), medication could change her life.
Comment: #5
Posted by: JD
Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:46 AM
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Tell "Frustrated in N.J." that he's not alone. My marriage was DOA within the first week. My husband was "tired" a lot or "just not in the mood". He rationed sex out to me once monthly, then once quarterly and finally once yearly. Many years later I found out that he actually prefered to have sex either with himself in the shower or with strangers. I found out that he was actually enjoying a rather robust sex life of his own. Seems that, for him, sex was just too intimate to have with someone you actually know. I finally quit waiting and announced our sex life was officially over. That was 6 or 7 years ago. He's never spoken about it to me since. I hope with all my heart that, before I die, I have a chance to experience a good and loving relationship. I have so much to offer someone.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Susan
Sat Jan 30, 2010 8:53 AM
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I saw my younger self in the letter from “Best Friend Forever.” I, too, had a best girlfriend in high school who was never happy enough. It was drama after drama, and I felt it was my obligation to make her happy. All my time was consumed trying to console her or cheer her up. My other friends told me I was the “strong one,” and that I was so good to protect her and listen to her problems. I took a trip with her in the summer after graduating high school. Again, she set the agenda and we went where she wanted, avoiding places I wanted because she was “scared,” or was having a drama with a boy back home, crying after phone calls. When we returned, I asked myself: how could I be the “strong one” if we never got to do what I wanted? How could I be the “strong one” if I never got any support if I had a problem? She never supported me or asked what I would like. The next time I called her (she never called me) I decided I would bring up what I wanted and see what happened. She completely ignored my request and began to talk about her latest drama with her boyfriend. I told her, oh, sorry, I have to go, my mom needs me. I never called her again. She never called me, either. I went to college and had a great time finding out who I was and what I liked. We saw each other at our high school reunion and she said something that amounted to “how did we ever lose track of each other, we used to be so close?” I just laughed and said, “life's funny that way, don't you think?” and walked on. She had ceased to have power over me.
“Best Friend” needs to realize that this is not a friendship. This is a dictatorship. Friendships are shared.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Sunsetclub
Sat Jan 30, 2010 12:23 PM
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I can relate to LW1 and LW2. My husband is negative about everything. If I say have a good day at work, he says "it won't be." He won't talk about it because I couldn't possibly "understand." Nothing is ever good enough for him, yet he can instantly change to someone cheerful and positive if he wants to. We don't have sex anymore, I'm not "woman enough" to turn him on anymore. (Actually he has several health conditions and at least two prescription meds that can cause ED, so I'm sure that is his real problem.) He will not kiss or hug and says love has to be "earned" and I haven't earned it. My advise to LW1 is find another room mate as soon as possible, don't exclude your friend from your circle of friends but find a new cheerful best friend. Your old best friend will probably then look for someone else to dump on after trying first to make you feel guilty. LW2 has my sympathy, my husband won't talk to the doctor either, but I could handle the no sex, if only there was affection. I always suspected he only showed affection to get sex, and now he has proved it. You might try a counselor, but that will only help if your wife sees she has a problem, and many marriage counselors seem to mistakenly assume ALL problems are 50/50. By the way, I'm very sick today, so Mr. Wonderful is out having a good time far far away. If I want someone to take care of me, I'm being "a baby and need to grow up." His idea of helping me is to go get himself a pizza so I don't have to cook. And get mad if I asked him to pick up a roast beef sandwich for me while he is out. Incidently, I'm rarely sick, rarely go to the doctor, and most years have perfect attendance at work. Some people, like LW1's best friend and LW2's wife (and my husband) just think about themselves.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Elizabeth
Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:33 PM
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Clicking jaws and now grey hair. Time to put this topic to bed also.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Rick
Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:23 PM
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I don't understand why anyone would spend years and years of their life putting up with a miserable person. Life is too short to spend years trying to change someone who is happy being miserable. It can only bring you down too.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Karen2205
Sat Jan 30, 2010 6:46 PM
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