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An Invitation to Trouble
Dear Annie: Today we received a wedding invitation that we were not looking forward to. You see, my husband's brother is getting married, and we don't know how to respond.
This brother left his wife and daughter last year after 24 years of marriage. He was having an affair with his bride-to-be and left his family in chaos. He has made no effort to see his daughter. His only interest is that his ex-wife sells the house so he can get his half of the money.
We have not forsaken our sister-in-law and niece. We helped them as much as possible so they could get back on their feet and heal from this startling event and the subsequent divorce. They have moved to another area and are starting over. We love them and want to remain a part of their lives.
We don't see the brother much, probably twice in the past year. The divorce was finalized a few days ago, and the wedding is in three weeks. Do we go and say nothing? Do we congratulate him, even though we feel he has done a horrible thing to his first wife and daughter?
We do love this brother and want to stay close, but we don't like being put in such an awkward position. How do we respond in order to maintain family relations and still live with our conscience? — Upset in Ohio
Dear Ohio: If you want to maintain a relationship with your brother-in-law, you must attend his wedding and be nice to his new bride. She will have some control over which relatives he stays in touch with. But we suggest you keep your congratulations subdued and leave as early as it is polite to do so.
Dear Annie: My husband became ill at the age of 27 and was sick for 22 years. I took care of him and raised our two sons, now 25 and 26. He said that after he died, he hoped I'd find someone else to love.
He passed away in January. In June, I met an amazing man. "Robert" is a great support for my boys and me. The problem? My two older sisters have never met him, yet they say Robert is bad for me and that I'm neglecting my adult children in their time of need. They insist I stopped grieving too soon.
My sisters criticized me when I struggled to take care of my husband and never offered to help, saying I would become too dependent on them. They tell me to sell my home and move into a smaller apartment. My sons will no longer give them any information about my activities, and my sisters interpret that to mean my boys are depressed and have shut down, and it's my fault.
My sons approve of Robert and are angry with their aunts. My friends say I should cut them out of my life, but I don't want to. How do I make them stop saying such hurtful things without ruining family relations? — Baby Sister
Dear Sister: Your sisters are trying to control your life, but you are not obligated to obey. Ignore their advice. If they are hurtful, reply, "Sorry you feel that way." They'll eventually get the message that you won't be pushed around.
Dear Annie: A solution for those who receive wedding gifts they don't want is to donate them, unopened and in their original boxes, to their favorite charity for an auction. Most charities hold annual auctions as fundraisers. You can put the gift in a basket and throw in some candles, wine or other related items. Such donations usually fetch more than the retail value. Win-win. — A.A., Louisville, Ky.
Dear A.A.: Thank you for the lovely suggestion — although wrapped wedding gifts should be opened in order to check for personal notes that may be tucked inside.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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28 Comments | Post Comment
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"My sons will no longer give them any information about my activities, and my sisters interpret that to mean my boys are depressed and have shut down, and it's my fault. My sons approve of Robert and are angry with their aunts."
Why can't the sons tell their aunts that they know their father had hoped that their mother would find love again, that they approve of Robert and that they support their mother's quest for happiness? Assuming that "Sister" is correct that her sons are really behind her (and she could be mistaken), she should be able to encourage them to voice their support rather than ignoring their aunts.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Bear
Tue Aug 17, 2010 12:09 AM
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Although LW2 didn't say what ailed her husband, at some point during those 22 years she must have realized that he would never recover. Grieving in the foreknowledge of death is quite common for long-term caretakers. Her grief actually began with her understanding that he would not recover, not when he died. When "Robert" came along, she was at the end of a long and painful grieving process, and ready to move on.
Her sisters' self-centered behavior during her husband's illness only shows what miserable little boors they are. Since her husband had expressed his hope that she would find another love, who are they to say otherwise? LW2 should consider their opinions as no more than gusts of air from the direction of the city dump on a hot summer day.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Sue in La
Tue Aug 17, 2010 12:42 AM
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Bear and Sue in LA, very good posts from both of you. Regarding the donating gifts issue (again) I agree that the gifts should be donated UNopened, so the bride can 1) write proper thank-you notes and 2) ensure that nothing was broken during the packaging.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jean
Tue Aug 17, 2010 1:16 AM
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LW1 - I think Annie is right in that you should attend the wedding, but don't say much and don't stay too long. I also wouldn't take a camera and don't talk about attending afterwards. And remember, Karma will get them in due time.
LW2 - Your sisters are miserable control freaks who get joy in putting others down. Don't let them put you down anymore. Remember this - no matter what you do, it will be "wrong" to them. If you met Robert 10 years after your husband died, they would still have a problem with it. And telling them that your husband wished you'd find love will do no good because they will accuse you of lying. Remember, these are the same women who refused to help you when you had a sick husband and young children. They're downright selfish. IF you want to continue a relationnship with them, don't tell them anything going on with your life. Use the "fine" approach. When they ask you how you are, you say, "Fine." When they ask you how Robert/the kids/whomever are, say, "Fine." See what I mean? And if they say something nasty, do say, "Sorry you feel that way," and then leave. You deserve happiness.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:33 AM
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Why do people give so much control of their lives to other people how you choose to live your life is entirely YOUR business isn't there an old song that said "you can't please everyone so you got to please yourself"
Comment: #5
Posted by: cindy
Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:36 AM
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Cindy, yes, the song you are referring to is "Garden Party" by the late Ricky Nelson.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Jean
Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:48 AM
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OMG...I'm old AND quoting Ricky Nelson!! totally ignore my advice!!! haha
Comment: #7
Posted by: cindy
Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:21 AM
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I disagree with the Annie's about attending the wedding. One of the biggest problems today is the failure of good people to stand up for what is right. There is nothing honorable about cheating on your spouse and abandoning your child. I also find it very telling that the groom-to-be's main concern is getting the money from the sale of the house he shared with his ex-wife. What is there to celebrate about this impending marriage? That two people cared more about themselves than the impact of their behavior on others??? Any woman worth her salt would have told the brother to divorce his wife FIRST and then they could talk about having a relationship!!!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Noelle
Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:56 AM
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Regarding LW1, If they do not approve of the choices the brother made, then they should NOT go to the wedding. Why do they want to maintail contact with a sibling who so totally screwed up his wife and daughter? Just because they are brothers does not mean that they are friends. If they did not come from the same womb, Annies advice would be different, I'll bet.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Cheryl
Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:03 AM
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I also vote on LW1 for not going to the wedding. What, exactly, are you celebrating? Two pigs rutting in the mud?
Just because you had the same parents doesn't mean that you need to have anything to do with evil people.
Comment: #10
Posted by: K
Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:30 AM
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LW1 - Yay, I'm so glad other people are voting for not going to the wedding! Standing in LW1's shoes, I couldn't stomach the thought... not only that but the bride and groom sound like incredibly self-centered people. Would they even notice the LW and her husband's presence at the wedding? Something in me doubts it. So I don't think there's anything to lose there.
LW2 - Good point Bear! The sons are adults, they can stand up for themselves... I've been in a family dynamic where even as an adult you still have to bow down to the "higher ups" in the family (parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents), and it's ridiculous, dysfunctional even. It's one thing to respect your elders, but to blindly obey and not be allowed a voice is outrageous. I also vote that the sons stand up and tell their aunts to take a flying leap.
Oh and Sue in LA, you're right too. Overall those shrewish sisters need to get over themselves. LW2 needs to stop worrying about what they think... why should she? Clearly they don't care about her feelings and blood relations don't give people authority to run another person's life.
Comment: #11
Posted by: PS
Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:44 AM
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I don't see the need to beat around the bush. LW1 and her extended family don't support their brother's actions and his complete and utter disregard for his ex-wife and children so they definitely should not attend the wedding. Weddings are all about the couple and should only be attended by those who fully support the nuptials. To go just for show is phony and will perpetuate the impression that the family approves of this brother's mid-life crisis which will create problems down the road when they so clearly do not approve. Perhaps when the brother looks out to a half-empty church he'll finally understand that actions have consequences.
LW2 needs to understand that she is entitled to live her life as she sees fit. She does not need her sisters' permission to have a new man in her life. LW2 needs to tell the sisters firmly and in no uncertain terms that their unsolicited advice with regards to her personal relationship with Robert or anyone are unwelcome and will no longer be tolerated.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Chris
Tue Aug 17, 2010 7:45 AM
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These "affair" stories always make me chuckle at how one-sided they are. LW1 paints her brother-in-law as the most horrific, conniving, self-centered bastard who cheated on his wife for years with no reason. While it may be true, I highly doubt that the ex-wife is entirely blameless. It's extremely rare for an affair to happen without both partners playing a part in it...a symptom that something else was wrong with the marriage.
It's true, however, that if one feels very strongly against the nuptials, then one should not attend the wedding.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Paul W
Tue Aug 17, 2010 8:27 AM
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I think it matters most that the guy was involved with the new woman before he left the now ex-wife, or not. If he hadn't had the affair first, then his family might still regret his leaving Wife #1, and love and support her, but it's really not fair to punish Bride #2, if they got together after a divorce. Because he chose his path badly and there was overlap, she doesn't deserve that kindness, she's complicit in his bad behavior.
My ex-in-laws were put in that position. They chose a "Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin" path, and went to the wedding when my ex had dumped me after 16 years for a 23 year old. If he and I had split, time had passed, and then he had remarried, then his new girl would have deserved a clean slate, no matter how much they love me. But because she knowingly got involved with, and then engaged to, a married man, she got a much smaller wedding guest list when many of his friends and relatives declined to attend.
Anyway, my point is, they should do what feels right. Go or don't go. Send a card.
Comment: #14
Posted by: jenvan
Tue Aug 17, 2010 9:28 AM
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The first letters have been covered well in responses here, so I'd just like to chime in on donating unopened wedding gifts. That said, I'd have an unmovable previous commitment for the date and time of the wedding and reception and send a VERY small gift with a noncommital card - perhaps only a wedding-themed "To and From" card on the gift itself rather than a full-blown wedding congratulations greeting card.
There are valid reasons why those gifts should be opened before they're donated; they can be rewrapped if you want to donate them as wrapped gifts. Sometimes a wedding gift has been engraved; it would be a disaster to donate a gift that was engraved to another. AND, a personalized thank you note should include mention of just what the gift was that you received; that is not possible unless you've opened the gift to see what's inside.
Comment: #15
Posted by: graham072442
Tue Aug 17, 2010 10:03 AM
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Re: Paul W: Well, no, she doesn't say any of those things. She describes his actions (which include making no effort to see his daughter), and she says that she and her husband feel he DID a horrible thing, which is different from BEING a horrible person. They also say they love him and want to remain close. Btw, it's not always true that an affair is a symptom of trouble in the marriage. The ex-wife may be quite blameless.
I think the Annies are probably right, that if they want to maintain a relationship with the brother they'll have to go to the wedding, but if they feel really strongly about his behavior, they should give themselves the option of not going. They might be able to say, "We wish you well, but under the circumstances we'd just be too uncomfortable attending."
Comment: #16
Posted by: Van Wickle
Tue Aug 17, 2010 10:04 AM
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Re: L. A. Graham: I agree, "prior commitment" is another good option. I was almost going to say this and then didn't.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Van Wickle
Tue Aug 17, 2010 10:11 AM
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My brother deserted his first wife and 3-year-old son and married the girl who had been chasing him. I went to the wedding, trying to make the best of things, but I told my mother that if he could do it to #1, he'd do it to #2. Sure enough, he left her and their son a few years later. What he did wasn't right, either time, but what did #2 expect? Now, he's on #4. Thankfully, he hasn't had any more kids.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Tue Aug 17, 2010 10:11 AM
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Paul W -- really, it doesn't matter how much of a witch the ex-wife is or was. The RIGHT thing for someone who's figured out the marriage is untenable is to divorce BEFORE taking up with someone else, and to make every effort to maintain the relationship with the kid. The brother selfishly disregarded his commitments and hurt a lot of people; I don't blame LW one bit for not wanting to go, but I can see why she'd rather not spark off a split that could further hurt their parents.
Fortunately, it looks like their breakneck speed to tie the knot (3 weeks after the divorce became final?!) works in LW's favor. It's pretty easy to claim prior, ironclad (work? vacation?) commitment that prevents her from going. But in that case, a noncommittal card and token gift should be sent, so the bride has less leverage against them later. Going, briefly, does give them more protection against retaliatory cutoff, as the Annies noted.
Comment: #19
Posted by: hedgehog
Tue Aug 17, 2010 2:57 PM
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Cindy, don't feel bad about quoting Ricky Nelson. He was a much better musician, than most people give him credit for. His performances are considered by some to be the precursors of music videos.
Garden Party expressed an important sentiment. A therapist i know often suggested that chronic "people pleasers" sing the chorus over, and over.
Comment: #20
Posted by: pam greene
Tue Aug 17, 2010 3:39 PM
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I disagree with the idea that just attending a wedding implies consent. You go to a wedding because you care about one or both of the people getting married and it would make them happy. Period. Of course, while that means I agree with the Annies' advice in theory, I probably wouldn't go myself if I were the letter writer. The tone of the letter suggests that LW cares more about the feelings of the sister in law and niece than the thoughtless, vicious brother and his new squeeze, who doesn't even have the decency and/or backbone to insist that he continue to be a father to his daughter, so why go? Besides, at such an event, I may want to stay home to protect everyone present from my inability to keep my mouth shut when I see an opportunity to announce that I give it six months.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Nichole
Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:04 PM
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I agree that an affair is not always a symptom that something went wrong in the marriage. Some people are sociopaths or narcissists and get involved in affairs to feed their egos, or due to lack of empathy. Other people are sick or are a case of arrested development, and perceive problems that either they want to blame on someone else or aren't there in the first place, or don't know how to work out NORMAL problems in a marriage, so they run into someone else's arms thinking that's somehow the solution.
"Fortunately, it looks like their breakneck speed to tie the knot (3 weeks after the divorce became final?!) works in LW's favor. It's pretty easy to claim prior, ironclad (work? vacation?) commitment that prevents her from going."
Ha! True! Again I still get the feeling the newlyweds are going to be so wrapped up in themselves and justifying their relationship that they won't notice or care who's even attending.
Comment: #22
Posted by: PS
Tue Aug 17, 2010 4:08 PM
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I bet LW2 was screwing around with Robert while her husband was still alive! If not, then why the hell is she even dating someone when her husband hasn't been dead for at least a year?
Comment: #23
Posted by: Paul
Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:03 PM
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Paul----Regardless about what was really going on in the marriage between husband and wife and who is at fault, only a true POS would dump their child. That alone says it all about the guy.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Cathy
Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:55 PM
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LW1 - I had a feeling people would misread the Annie's advice again. They did NOT say to attend the wedding, they said IF they want to maintain a relationship with the brother, they must attend the wedding. This is true. If they do not attend the wedding, the relationship is basically over, so those are their 2 choices. Absolutely correct, Annies.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Steve
Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:17 PM
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LW2 - While this is going to sound very crass, I'd tell the sisters to go f**k themselves. They sound like miserable people who are only happy when those around them are also miserable. They're toxic, and not worth your time. Enjoy your sons and your new found love. You may find that they are more then enough to fill your heart!
Comment: #26
Posted by: Hawker
Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:19 PM
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Re: Paul She had 22 years of preparing for his death. Many people who are caretakers for family members who have long term illnesses have actually gone a grieving process long before the actual death. Does this mean they did not love them? No, it just means they had already accepted what was coming. Sometimes, and after 22 years this is probably true, there is a sense of relief for the caretaker, as well. It is highly doubtful that if much of her time was consumed by being her husband's caretaker, that she had time for an affair with Robert before the death.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Elizabeth
Wed Aug 18, 2010 1:44 AM
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Re: Elizabeth: You are 100% right. When someone is ill for a long time, much of the grieving takes place before death. And let me add that It's just plain insulting to start yipping about how a woman who took care of her sick husband for 22 years was probably "screwing around" before his death. The LW clearly states, "He passed away in January. In June, I met an amazing man."
Comment: #28
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Aug 18, 2010 8:40 AM
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