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Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more.
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Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
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All Chemistry, No Commitment
Dear Annie: My wife of almost 30 years passed away several years ago, and after grieving for more than a year, I reluctantly tried online dating. Just when I was about to call it quits, I met a lovely widow who had had many lousy relationships after her husband died.
"Hannah" and I had instant chemistry. She knows I am not like the abusive men she dated before. We live six hours apart and are able to see each other for a few days every month. Her adult children and friends really like me, and my adult children and friends think she is good for me.
We've been dating for two years. Hannah knows I would marry her in a heartbeat, but she won't say "yes." Her reasons are that I have a few more years before I can retire and leave my current home, and she has an elderly mother who is very dependent on her.
Hannah has gone back to school for a second degree, which will not be completed for another three years. In order to finish, she may have to move farther away. She's perfectly content to see me less often. She has her family to keep her company, but I get very lonely. I told Hannah that I'd occasionally like to go out with another woman for coffee or lunch just to have an adult to talk with. She says that is wrong since we are in a committed relationship.
Am I being unreasonable to want some adult conversation from time to time, or should I sit at home alone every night watching TV while she has friends and relatives to entertain her? — Quandary in Florida
Dear Florida: Right now, you and Hannah have a long-standing relationship without a commitment. Still, if all you want is adult company, it might be a good idea to go out for coffee or lunch with some of the guys and leave the women alone. Otherwise, you risk losing Hannah, commitment or not. But we'll be frank: If you are looking for marriage, you might need to look somewhere else.
Dear Annie: I'm 14 years old and have a friend with a problem. "Mia" is a beautiful girl, but is insecure. When she feels depressed, she cuts herself. I'm the only person she has told. I made her promise me she wouldn't do it again, and for a while, she didn't. But a few days ago, I found new marks on her arm.
What do I do? Mia refuses to talk about it with anyone else. I suggested she see a psychiatrist and even offered to go with her, but she didn't want to hear anything about it. How do I help her without losing her trust? — Scared
Dear Scared: You sound like a good friend to Mia. It would be best if she could talk to her parents, a school counselor, a favorite teacher or an adult relative, but you can't force her, so it's helpful that you listen to her. Suggest she get some exercise. It boosts endorphin levels and can make her feel less stressed. You also can discuss the situation with your own parents. Information and additional suggestions are available through the teens' section at kidshealth.org. Please check it out.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Gargantuan Freak," who was hurt when her husband's best friend said she was "gargantuan" and her husband and in-laws agreed.
As a doctor, I can assure her that 150 pounds is a perfect weight for someone who is 5 feet 9 inches tall, and it's likely the best friend was referring only to her height. If this comes up again, I recommend she smile and reply, "I prefer statuesque or goddess-like." Her husband should be supportive by responding the same way.
I don't know why she feels so unattractive. Many women would be delighted to be so tall and slender. — M.D. in Montreal
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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21 Comments | Post Comment
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To LW1, I hate to break the news, but Hannah is using you, and using your determination to be a "nice guy." You only see her a few days a month, she has not said she will ever marry you, and she is trying to control who else you socialize with. If a man behaved in that way, he'd be universally recognized as manipulative and possibly an abusive personality.
Hannah hasn't committed to you in any meaningful sense. She has no right to ask you to refrain from seeing other women. Grow a pair and tell her you've enjoyed her company but are moving on. As the situation stands she is ruining your life. And fellah, you're not getting any younger.
I wonder sometimes why so many men are such hopeless wimps around women. They wait passively for the women to spell out their needs, and try to fill those needs, then set aside any needs of their own. They find women who claim to have been "abused by mean men" and turn into little milksops who do whatever those women want, to prove they're not abusers. It's pathetic and unhealthy, and you're stuck in it. Men in that situation should not fool themselves that they're gaining anything, because when they fall into those patterns, the women generally lose interest in them.
So please realize you're in a trap, and are being manipulated, and stop waiting for Hannah.
Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:30 PM
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Scared, you're a very good friend and Mia is lucky to have someone like yourself to confide in. I recommend that you tell a favorite or trusted teacher, or a school counselor. School employees are required by law, at least in my state, CA, to report any signs of physical abuse on students, regardless if it was self-inflicted. Perhaps your P.E. teacher? She should be able to see Mia's arms at sometime during P.E. class, while exercising, playing softball, swimming or whatever. If a teacher finds a way to get Mia the desperate help she needs, you have really done her a wonderful favor and it gets you "off the hook". Good luck and I Mia can get help so she won't feel the need to hurt herself.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jean
Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:31 AM
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Missing word...that should read "I hope Mia can get help..." BTW, I appreciated the words "Please allow a few minutes for your comment to be posted." It may help solve the multiple posting glitches.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jean
Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:33 AM
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To Quandry, Hannah doesn't sound as if she's right for you. She sounds like a control freak to me. Everything has to be her way. I think you should seriously consider dating other women and letting Hannah stay in control of Hannah's world. To Scared, you are a very caring person and please try to find someone you trust to help your friend Mia, because she is a troubled young lady and needs some professional help. To the woman whose husband and in-laws were horribly rude and hurtful by making unnecessary comments about her size, whatever the reason, to say "I prefer statuesque or goddess-like" is not good advice. These clods will probably size, "Yeah, a statue of Orsen Wells!" or "Yeah, a goddess like Medusa!" just to try to poke fun at her again. These are her family members and they need to be told, by her husband, that the comments were indeed hurtful and there will be no more jokes or size references of any kind. Sometimes the things people report that family members say to them absolutely appalls me!
Comment: #4
Posted by: Liz
Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:28 AM
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Annies, if you want LW2 to be able to persuade her friend to get some exercise, please don't have her suggest to her friend: "get some exercise". Have her suggest to her friend fun activities -- biking, skating, hiking, kayaking, swimming, etc., that they can do together. Don't make it sound like a prescription or that it's something you're doing to "fix" what's wrong with her. If you want, you can make it sound as if SHE is doing YOU a favor by keeping you company while you learn to skate or ski, go for a bike ride, take a martial arts or dance class.
Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:51 AM
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Dear Scared,
PLEASE pick up the phone and call Mia's mother or father and ask them to never tell Mia that it was you who called.The same thing happened a few years ago in our home and I forever hold dear the young friend who was brave enough to call me directly and tell me to look at my daughter's arm. I did and was horrified by what I saw. I told her (very calmly) to pack a bag because we were going to the hospital. It was not easy but she got the proper help that she needed from there and because she was already in counseling was better able to handle a friends death this past year from suicide and even helped many of her friends too (we took them with us to her counselor and refered may students/parents). She has had tremendous growth and will be an entering college freshmen in less then one week going away to school. So PLEASE give her and her parents the "gift" of the proper knowlegde so they can help Mia as we helped our daughter. You will be doing the right thing, you will feel better and Mia and her family can together get through this and believe me, you will have a very special place in those parents hearts for doing something difficult but necessary. Best of luck to you and Mia - You are both in my prayers.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Deena
Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:57 AM
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I forgot to mention that my daughter STILL has no idea who made that call to me or how I found out about her cutting. She never will either because I made a promise. Explain this to the parents or even print it and send it to them.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Deena
Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:02 AM
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LW #1--- I would love to meet a man my age that I love and who loves me back. I would marry him in a minute. It's nice to know that there are some nice guys out there, even though I have not met any.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Cheryl
Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:20 AM
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Re: Deena, GREAT ADVICE!!!! My younger brother was my daughters friend that she confided in. "Swear you won't tell Mom.", then told him she was considering suicide. He explained that he had no choice - he had to tell me. She is a lovely and sucessful woman today and never resented the fact that he told me. This young lady might risk the friendship but people tend to know when you are doing a thing out of love and not spite.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Penny
Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:31 AM
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Hannah sounds perfectly honest, direct and aboveboard in what she wants in the relationship. Not wanting to marry doesn't qualify as "using" anybody, nor does revealing that she was once in an abusive relationship. The only thing she's done wrong is expecting LW1 to maintain a committed relationship long distance, which he clearly doesn't want to do. Perhaps it's time for BOTH of them to start seeing other people.
Comment: #10
Posted by: pinetree
Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:58 AM
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Deena, hedgehog, pinetree -- great comments. Sarah M., the situation doesn't sound that extreme to me. And let us not forget that for every man willing to be pushed around by a woman, there is a woman willing to be pushed around by a man. But this relationship doesn't sound at all like a sure thing to me -- there are too many obstacles. It makes sense for LW1 to keep his options open. He might meet someone a lot closer to home who is a better match.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Van Wickle
Wed Aug 18, 2010 8:31 AM
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pinetree, thank you for bringing a level head to this argument. I couldn't agree more. It sounds like Hannah knows what she wants and will do what it takes to get it. It's up to the LW to defend what it is HE wants.
I was appalled by the Annies' advice to Scared. They downplayed the problem and left it up to the teenage LW to handle it on her own - something she's obviously not equipped to do. Cutting is a sign of serious depression and her parents should be alerted. Great advice Deena and I'm so glad that your daughter got the help she needed!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jennifer
Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:04 AM
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LW1 - I like how Van Wickle put it - it does sound like there are too many obstacles in the relationship for it to go further than it is. I don't think this is the first person to write in with similar circumstances - long distance relationship, only see each other a few days a month - and in other cases it didn't sound like they'd have a good outcome either.
As it is nothing says the LW can't build a social life of his own with both men and women. Nothing wrong with having a BBQ with the neighbors, a potluck through church, going out for coffee with mutual friends, etc. The letter didn't indicate if Hannah is protesting about any of that but if she is that's a red flag.
LW2 - Deena gave great advice. Bravo to that brave girl who alerted you to your daughter Deena! I was going to recommend the LW tell her friend's parents and I like the idea of having them promise not to give away who told even better. It helps remove her as the middleman after she discloses what happened and lets the focus stay on helping her friend.
Comment: #13
Posted by: PS
Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:07 AM
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Annies once again blew it. A 14 year old is not equipped to handle another teen's problem that clearly requires professional intervention. That girl should go immediately to a teacher, school counselor, nurse, or other authority figure (not necessarily the girl's parents...they may not believe her and aren't required by law to do anything), and voice her concern that her friend is cutting herself and needs help. The friend is going to be extremely resentful of course, but the alternative is worse.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Paul W
Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:51 AM
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Dear Annie,
Several questions and comments if I may. Why is Hannah telling Quandary when he can leave home? Why is Hannah going to school? Second career? That means no life for Quandary. Come on, we are talking about people of retirement age. Why should Quandary wait for that? Quandary, please heed the majority of the posts and cut your self loose from this manipulative woman. Release yourself from the mental slavery she has placed you under. Wake up buddy! You don't have any more time to wait for something you need so badly. Hannah has had enough time to decide if she wants to marry you. She has decided not to because that isn't part of her plans for the future whatever those are. Bail out now. Go find a woman who needs you the way you need her. Good luck
Comment: #15
Posted by: Rene Melendez
Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:21 AM
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If Mia's friend wants to help her while remaining anonymous, and has any reservations about being found out, the best solution may be to write a letter to Mia's mother. Keep it simple and straightforward: "Mia is cutting herself. Look at the cuts on her arms. She desperately needs help." The important thing is to alert the mother as soon as possible to what's happening. Doing so confidentially would remove the danger of the mother not keeping the secret of who told her.
Comment: #16
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:58 PM
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Re: pinetree
Pinetree, I respect your opinion. But the problems is that the "only" thing Hannah is doing wrong is a big thing, and if the LW goes along with it, it will likely be the end of his social life. I'm surprised that you can't see the abusive potential in the situation, and wonder if you may have gender blinders on without realizing it.
Imagine the roles reversed and you may see the problem better: A lonely elderly woman meets a widower who seems to have a great relationship with her but refuses to discuss the possibility of marriage. He only sees her four or five days a month, but pressures her into not seeing any men, under any circumstances, on the twenty-five or twenty-six days when he can't see her. He refuses to commit to her, and has even told her that he may be moving away, but he insists that if she so much as has lunch with another man, she'll be betraying their relationship. Sound fishy, even disgusting?
Women used to agree to this sort of thing all the time, acting grateful for crumbs from a man who spent hardly any time with them but forbade them to see anyone else under any circumstances; but as a group have matured beyond it. It's time men like the LW did too. I would stick with my advice that he needs to grow a pair and stop being a willing doormat. Some men fall into that, hoping for "points" or approval from women; it creates an unhealthy situation for both them and the women they are trying to hard and pathetically to please.
Comment: #17
Posted by: sarah morrow
Wed Aug 18, 2010 3:10 PM
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LW#1 doesn't mention the woman's age. If she married young and was widowed early (which happens often in the military) she may be a lot younger than he is and less financially secure. She may not be ready or able to give up her independence, and her education may truly require a lot of her time. If that's the case, she ought not be stringing this gentleman along. But since she won't do the decent thing and let him go, he needs to cut himself loose.
Comment: #18
Posted by: R.A.
Wed Aug 18, 2010 4:03 PM
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Your advice to Scared is atrocious! Cutting is a sign of serious depression and possibly borderline personality disorder. It can also be an inadvertent suicide attempt if it progresses! Putting the ball back in the court of another 14 year-old is reprehensible! Mia needs to go to a trusted adult who has a duty to report and/or her friends' parents to alert them to what is going on. Her friend needs to want to change, yes, but not letting adults who care about this girl know what is happening will only deprive her of the guidance she so desperately needs at a very pivotal time in her life.
Run, Mia, don't walk, to find someone to talk to about this!
Comment: #19
Posted by: Brenda L.
Wed Aug 18, 2010 7:24 PM
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I just read L1 again and REALLY noticed the last line this time: "Am I being unreasonable to want some adult conversation from time to time, or should I sit at home alone every night watching TV while she has friends and relatives to entertain her?" If the LW has no friends or family to "entertain" him, then there is a serious imbalance in his life and in his relationship with his lady friend, which isn't healthy for him or fair to her. He needs to get out there and make some friends and not be totally dependent on a long-distance relationship for his social life. I wonder if this dependence is part of what's making her hesitate. But of course he needs to be free to make platonic female friends as well as male. It sounds to me as if the relationship is just higher priority for him than for her. He's near retirement, she has other goals. But if she's not willing to compromise and he meets someone who's a better match, then that's the way it goes.
Re LW2: Totally agree that Mia's friend must speak up. Deena's advice is perfect.
LW3, yay for you for writing in!
Comment: #20
Posted by: Van Wickle
Thu Aug 19, 2010 7:47 AM
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re LW1--Hannah sounds like she is perfectly willing to enjoy his company-on her terms. He says she won't marry him because he is not yet of retirement age where he can leave his home. In other words, she will make no compromises by moving herself, her elderly mother, & transferring colleges to marry this man. And, maybe, when he retires and can uproot himself to come fit into her comfort zone & established life she will marry him. And she would be perfectly content to see him even less than the few days a month they currently see each other. Yet, she believes they are in a committed relationship. I'd question what her definition of committment is! the LW didn't come out and state he thought they were in a committed relationship. It seems Quandry wants more than Hannah can or will give him. I'd say it's time for him to tell Hannah he doens't want to be in an exclusvie relationship under the circumstances Hannah is dictating. If she loves him and wants to marry him and make a committment she will do so. If not, I'd say it's time for Quandry to tell Hannah 'good-bye' & get out and find some companionship locally
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lucy Ray
Thu Aug 19, 2010 1:38 PM
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