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Dear Annie: My 20-year-old nephew has been a troubled youth, despite all the attempts of his family to help him, including counseling and rehab. When he was 18, he became involved with a messed-up 14-year-old girl who used drugs, alcohol and sex to …Read more.
Damaging Favoritism Amid Broken Boundaries
Dear Annie: I have two daughters, ages 5 and 2. My in-laws favor the older girl. They buy her more presents, give her more money and pay way more attention to her than to her sister. They almost seem obsessed with her. As soon as she walks in the …Read more.
Ex Con on the Straight and Narrow Canned
Dear Annie: After eight years at my job, I was let go. I have a felony record. The CEO who knew of my background retired last year. He felt I had proved myself and had no problem with me. When he retired, we got an interim CEO. I told him about my …Read more.
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Dear Annie: My husband and I work comparable hours, but I earn less than half of what he does and have little discretionary income. I come home to my "second shift," which includes cooking, cleaning and picking up after this man, who …Read more.
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A Facebook Affair To Remember
Dear Annie: Last May, my 56-year-old husband met a woman on Facebook and quickly became infatuated. She lives in Germany. We live in Kansas.
My husband thinks he knows everything about her and believes she is completely on the up and up. In October, the two of them plan to meet in Boston and drive up to Maine for a week's vacation. I was informed of this plan and was specifically told I was not invited.
My husband sees nothing wrong with this little excursion. He says he loves me and doesn't think he needs to be bound by the "conventions of marriage." If I get upset, he accuses me of not wanting him to be happy. I'm sure he'll buy me a souvenir.
We've been married for 11 years and had a pretty solid relationship until this. Now I feel humiliated and bitter. Am I wrong? — Mrs. Jerk
Dear Mrs.: Married people who say they don't want to be bound by the conventions of marriage are trying to justify an affair. Unless you also want an open marriage, this only benefits him. It's time to talk to a lawyer. Then tell him to have a good time, and let him know you'll be changing the locks. What nerve.
Dear Annie: My grown children found out their grandmother had died by reading it in the local paper. We were never close. At one time, my husband was having an affair, and my mother-in-law would call to give my husband messages from his girlfriend. After that, I hardly spoke to her, and she never came to visit again.
My husband and I worked out our problems and stayed married. But at his funeral, my mother-in-law sat next to me, displacing my children, in order to ask me to return several items she had given my husband years before.
Obviously, my relationship with her was not good, but my children kept in touch. They used to call her often. So when Grandma passed and no one told us, my children were very hurt. My children and I went to the viewing, and my sister-in-law would not even look at us. My son was so upset about the entire mess that he walked out. None of us attended the funeral. My daughter and I made a donation to her favorite charity and never received a thank-you note. Even my husband's aunt, with whom we used to exchange Christmas cards, has stopped contact.
It has been a year, but I am still hurt and angry, and so are my children. They don't have a lot of family left. I would like to contact my sister-in-law, but don't want to get into an argument. Any suggestions? — C.
Dear C.: Your in-laws are not interested in a relationship with you, but we hope they are willing to stay in touch with your children. If the kids can put aside their anger, suggest they contact their aunt to say hello and see how everyone is doing — no recriminations or lectures. Her response should give them an idea of whether or not things can improve.
Dear Annie: I am 79 and remember home viewings of the deceased. To me, it is easier to accept death after seeing the body laid out. It is so obviously not the person I knew and loved that it makes it easier to accept the death. I am comforted to think they are in a better place.
A dear friend died at 29, and since I could not attend the funeral, I have not really come to terms with it. Sometimes it seems she's still alive. However, I hate the idea of taking pictures. It freaks me out. It is certainly not the way I want to be remembered. — Minnesota
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Comments
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53 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1.... He wants a divorce and is too much a coward to initiate it. Give it to him. He is no longer trustworthy whether he goes through with the liaison or not.
LW3... We had a viewing for my Mom and it was surreal to me. She didn`t look like herself. That is my last memory of her which isn`t all that great. My father requested no memorial and to go direct to cremation. While my last memories of him are when he was ill at least the last one is not of him looking surreal. I prefer my memories of him in better times. She should look at pictures and remember her in good times and lying in surreal repose.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Kelsey
Thu Sep 2, 2010 9:32 PM
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To Mrs. Jerk (LW 1), if I were you, I would have signed myself as "Married to a Jerk." That's my way of saying you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. Your husband is actually breaking the vow of "forsaking all others" and he told you his intentions to not be "bound" by conventional marriage standards. Then he is shifting the blame for his own failures onto you, claiming if you protest this "get-together" that YOU are the one causing HIS unhappiness. As the Annies already said, "What NERVE!" I would tell him to shape up or ship out, literally, after I had a chance to speak to a lawyer, paralegal, or someone with training on marital issues, including fidelity. If he decides to go skipping off to Maine to meet this "woman", I'd tell him not to let the doorknob smack him in the fanny on his way out, for good.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Jean
Thu Sep 2, 2010 11:31 PM
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To Mrs. J. (LW 1) one more thought...most US states consider adultery, (no matter where it occurred) to be GROUNDS for divorce; this is certainly a question to jot down if you decide to make an appointment with someone in the legal field. Check your yellow pages; some attorneys offer a first-time free consultation, for 15 minutes or so. Have all your questions written down so you can go through them more easily. Take care.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jean
Thu Sep 2, 2010 11:39 PM
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There are many divorces where people go their separate ways and should try to be amicable and respectful of each other. LW1's should not be one of those. Talk about adding insult to injury. He's really emotionally abusive. She should tell him to have a good time and while he's gone, THAT is the time to mention that she's changing the locks, draining the joint bank account, selling his car for $5 so she can legally split the proceeds and give him $2.50, etc. What a mess!
I feel bad for LW2 and her children. That's a very sad situation.
Comment: #4
Posted by: FAW
Fri Sep 3, 2010 12:36 AM
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Once again a wife is being told to "talk to a lawyer". I hope that her husband didn't make the mistake of being the breadwinner in the family. When I get married, I am going to make sure that my wife is the breadwinner. That way, if someone tells her to "talk to a lawyer", the lawyer will tell her that she will be writing me checks. I expect that "talk to a family counselor" will suddenly be the advice.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Ben
Fri Sep 3, 2010 5:33 AM
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Lazy, non working, bitter and expecting a meal ticket. Ben, the ladies sure must love you!
Comment: #6
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Sep 3, 2010 5:54 AM
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If I were LW1, her utter turd of a husband better pack EVERYTHING for his trip to Boston and Maine. Because everything he leaves behind is going to have been sold at a garage sale by the time he gets back. Locks changed, phone numbers changed, bank accounts closed. Perhaps divorce papers could be waiting at the hotel in Maine for his arrival? UNBELIEVABLE.
Comment: #7
Posted by: jenvan
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:08 AM
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Zoe: Why does not wanting to write checks to an ex-wife make me lazy, non working, etc.? I am a lawyer myself. That is why I know how important it is to not work in a marriage. Working just leads to writing checks to your ex-wife. The ladies do love me, by the way. The first question they ask is what I do for a living. If I am interested, I tell the truth and it always goes over well. If I am not interested, then I tell them I deliver pizza and they walk away.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Ben
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:08 AM
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Now I think maybe Ben is trolling. But just in case...
There are times when it is appropriate to talk to a family counselor. If you're having trouble blending families, arguing over money or working hours or not agreeing on how/when to raise a child. When one half of the mix has decided it's OK to go to ditch their marriage vows and go for a romantic weekend with someone else, it's time to visit the lawyer.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Datura
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:13 AM
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@ Ben...I was a breadwinner wife and probably will be if I marry again. When my husband (ironically his name was Ben!) had an affair, you are correct, I "talked to a lawyer" and wrote him a big 50% check...and it was worth every penny...pennies I am always able to make again.
Wives are told to talk to a lawyer because usually the husband has decided that the relationship is over and dating is optional for them (LW1)...they just "forget" to tell the wife. I do realize the flip side is also true (women dating outside marriage) and believe me...all his friends tell him to talk to a lawyer too...
Comment: #10
Posted by: KVK
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:17 AM
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Ben - Go back under your bridge. There's nothing for you here.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Rick
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:18 AM
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Ben, I to have found that the first question women ask is what I do for a living, then they'll ask my name.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jack Olds
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:18 AM
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Ben you seem to think the point is that a wife is always entitled to strip a husband of half his property & income. That's not it at all.
The point is that she needs to get away from her husband. When one spouse is being a slight bit of a jerk, or if both spouses are being slight jerks, the advice might be to go to a counselor. But when one spouse is being such an utterly hopelessly jerk as LW1's is, the point is that the other spouse should get the heck out of there.
The problem is, as all advice columnists know from experience, many people drag their feet when it comes to getting away from jerk spouses. And in the case of women, the reason is often because the woman is afraid she won't be able to afford to live on her own. Hence the advice to see a lawyer. She doesn't need to take him to the cleaners, but she is entitled to enough money to allow her to get out of there. After all, her husband entered willingly into the marriage contract, and has now willingly chosen to break it.
Not just in marriage, but in contracts generally, if one party breaks the contract, and that causes the other party financial loss, then the other party is entiteld to a settlement.
There are spouses, of both sexes, who think that they are the breadwinner will allow them to get away with bad behavior, because they think their spouses woulldn't be able to support themselves, so wouldn't dare leave. Sounds like LW1's husband may be one of those.
There are also spouses, again of both sexes, who think that NOT being the breadwinner will allow them to get away with bad behavior, because they figure their spouses will not want to have to pay alimony to them, so won't leave. Sounds like you are planning to be one of those. My guess is that your wife - if you ever find a woman willing to marry and support a man who is obviously cynical and probably misogynistic - will think writing those checks to you will be worth it to get rid of you.
Comment: #13
Posted by: cassandr
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:21 AM
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Ben, Prepare yourself for a bumpy ride in this life with that poor attitude - your not as smart as you think you are - the ones your interested in will surly see through you quickly enough. I'm wondering if your related to Mr. Jerk??? Have a wonderful bumpy ride Pizza boy/lawywer :) REAL relationships are where both parties want to take care of each other for life - your so jaded but bet your a ruthless lawyer. Have a nice, lonly life my friend.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Deena
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:24 AM
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Ben, riddle for the day: how does not wanting to work in a marriage make you lazy and non-working? Well, duh. It also makes you pathetic. It's easy to claim to be a lawyer on a space like this, and that "the ladies love you." Sure they do. And while there are plenty of slimy lawyers to counterweigh the honest ones, anyone who says he knows how important it is to "not work" in a marriage has the maturity of a 12 year old, which is why I'm pretty sure that pizza delivery is closer to the truth. BTW, what happens if you fall in love with a woman who shares your belief that not working is important in a marriage?
Comment: #15
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:37 AM
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Ben, you obviously are NOT a Domestic Relations lawyer or you'd know that there is value applied to the services that the nonworking spouse brings to a marriage: serving as chef, housekeeper, companion, social secretary, escort, nurse when you're sick, provider of sexual favors, chauffer and in some cases child care, and related tutoring. I believe there was a study done that placed an annual "salary" for all the positions filled by the nonworking spouse at around $110,000. So, I think it highly unlikely you'll find anyone willing to fill all those positions without some expectation of compensation - particularly where there are children and many of those tasks are ongoing whether or not you are still in the picture.
Comment: #16
Posted by: graham072442
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:39 AM
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Oops. I just found out that Ben is a lawyer. My apologies to actual trolls. Sorry for the confusion.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Rick
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:57 AM
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From Ben: "The ladies do love me, by the way. The first question they ask is what I do for a living. If I am interested, I tell the truth and it always goes over well. If I am not interested, then I tell them I deliver pizza and they walk away."
FUNNIEST THING I"VE HEARD ALL WEEK! Dude, do you even hear yourself?! You claim ladies love you, then you provide proof they don't - that they won't even talk to you unless they know you are a lawyer. Obviously they don't see anything else going for you.
Comment: #18
Posted by: cassandr
Fri Sep 3, 2010 7:02 AM
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Another thing, to Jack Olds: if the 1st question women ask you is what you do for a living, how do you know what their 2nd question is?
If that's the first question, you should be ending the conversation before there can be a second. Obviously you are have not been doing that.
If a man continues to chat up shallow women, I can't get behind the idea that women are shallow. You are the one choosing to continue to associate with shallow people. I do know there are women like that, but their paths hardly ever cross mine - there are worlds of people who are not like that at all. If you move in shallow circles, that's your choice.
When I met my husband he'd been unemployed for months, and never had much of a career before that - lots of temp work. I threw myself at him shamelessly, because he was attractive, charming, and had good character and values. And although I was already a well-paid professional, I considered him too good for me, and still do. But I have been trying ever since then to deserve him.
And wouldn't you know, not long after we got together, he figured out what he wanted to do as a career, and within 7 years was making 6 figures at a prestigious organization.
Comment: #19
Posted by: cassandr
Fri Sep 3, 2010 7:18 AM
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Your ROCK Rick! That was funny!
Comment: #20
Posted by: Joan
Fri Sep 3, 2010 7:26 AM
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Re: Ben--I was the major breadwinner in my marriage because my husband was an artist. His occupation was not the first or second question I asked him. But, wanting to have a wife who is a breadwinner is exactly what the slowest male student in my 5th grade class for educationally handicapped students said when I asked what jobs they wanted to have when they graduated.
Comment: #21
Posted by: BB
Fri Sep 3, 2010 7:42 AM
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Obviously, Ben is taking a beating because his comments are beyond idiotic. The exact same advice would have been given to a husband who wrote in saying his wife had met someone on Facebook and now wants to go on a week-long vacation with her new Facebook "friend." This has NOTHING to do with gender. Cheating Spouse Who Blames You For Not Being Happy About It = See A Lawyer, regardless of which spouse is doing the cheating. By the way, the odds are extremely strong that the cheating husband has ALREADY seen a lawyer. There are couples out there who are able to repair a marriage after infidelity, but for that to happen, the unfaithful spouse has to feel at least a modicum of remorse, and clearly the husband in this case doesn't. Sounds like as a good a reason as any to skip the counseling and head straight to the lawyer. And by the way, not only does it not have to do with gender, it also doesn't have to do with who makes more money. For all we know, LW1 makes more money than her spouse. Idiot boy -- oops, I mean Ben -- merely ASSUMED the husband makes more money than the wife. That USED to be a good bet -- but not so much any more. And even if the wife makes more money than the husband, that's just as good of a reason to see the lawyer.
LW2 -- At what point were you going to figure out that your in-laws don't like you. Whether you have given them reason or not, they are through with you, and it's high time you stopped feeling hurt by it and moved on. Your children are adults at this point. If they want to have a relationship with their father's side of the family, they will have to reach out to them and see what happens. Don't be surprised if your children are entirely uninterested in even reaching out.
LW3 -- I'm hoping the Annies are going to get off the funeral-related letters that don't really have to do with anything some time soon. It's a shame that obviously neither they, nor their editors, bother to read these comments. While we occasionally have idiots like Ben, I'm often fascinated by the thoughtful comments posted here. Even when I don't agree with them, the comments often are more well-thought out and useful than what the Annies come up with.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Sep 3, 2010 7:44 AM
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LW1-What souvenir do you think he will bring her? Leftover unused condoms? I hope LW1 will move all her hubby's stuff out onto the front lawn and then change the locks. Not bound by the conventions of marriage indeed! If the marriage vow states “forsaking all others” then he has broken this vow big time. The idea of an “open marriage” was obviously not something that was discussed prior to the wedding.
LW2-How very sad. While I realize how important family is, not all family relationships are worth pursuing. I hope LW2 and her children are able to make peace with the situation and forge close relationships with good friends.
LW3-I never understood why previous generations felt it necessary to take photographs of the deceased. However, one could ask how it is any different from funeral death masks; perhaps it is just another form of keeping record, I suppose. In any case, times definitely change. Some practices we consider acceptable today were considered completely inappropriate by previous generations and vice versa. When it comes to viewing the deceased's body, I saw my grandmother laid out after she died ten years ago. Hers was the only dead body I have ever seen. I don't really like it but it did bring a sense of closure. However, that is not the memory that comes to mind when I think of her; I remember her in the hospital before she died, still laughing and teasing her family. My grandmother left me with one of my most precious memories. It was the best gift she ever gave me. She was a brave woman and I hope I behave in the same manner when it's my time to go.
Comment: #23
Posted by: LibraryKat
Fri Sep 3, 2010 8:06 AM
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Why in the world is this woamn mourning the loss of a horrible, toxic MIL? I just don't understand the need to keep these sick manipulative people in our lives because they are "family". Get over it! Move on with your lives , you are officially free of these monsters and their noxious ties to you. Help your children to move on and not waste time over this.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Blenie
Fri Sep 3, 2010 8:15 AM
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Anyone doubting me should try the following: Go up to any single woman you know and tell her that you met the perfect guy for her. Then listen carefully to what she asks you. It will be "what does he do?". Tell her he doesn't have a job but it doesn't matter because he plans on doing the real work in the marriage (taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning) while she will be making the money. She will look at you like you are an idiot. You could try telling her that my staying at home is worth $110,000.00, but I don't think it will help. (ps. I keep my views on not working in a marriage to myself until my girlfriend brings up the topic of marriage. The look on her face is always priceless.)
Comment: #25
Posted by: Ben
Fri Sep 3, 2010 8:22 AM
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Ben, if you have to wait for a woman to warm up to you before you reveal your true intentions about marriage, that should tell you something about your opinions.
If you're so convinced you're going to get divorced anyway, why marry? Save the woman what is surely a nightmare to be married to someone like you.
Real, mature adults in adult relationships don't keep themselves prepared for the other to take advantage of them. They're more concerned with building a healthy bond and enjoying life together. I truly feel sorry for you.
Comment: #26
Posted by: zeus
Fri Sep 3, 2010 8:40 AM
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Re: Ben - Oh Ben, you kidder you. Now you know you don't have a girlfriend, never did and never will. Quit trying to pull our legs you little whippersnapper you. Now you just run along and catch some flies or something. Go on now. . . .
Comment: #27
Posted by: Rick
Fri Sep 3, 2010 8:55 AM
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Re: BB That is so sad about your fifth grade student. I bet someone told him he'd better get a wife who's a breadwinner because he certainly would never be a breadwinner himself. I don't think kids that young come up with ideas like that themselves. They want to be a fireman, a doctor, lawyer, etc. They don't think in terms of finding someone to take care of them. My heart goes out to that kid because someone's told him he'd never amount to anything and would always need a keeper.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Sep 3, 2010 8:58 AM
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@Ben
OK, speaking for myself, yes, I do ask someone I've just met what he OR SHE does for a living out of genuine interest and polite conversation. I view a person's job as somewhat telling of the individual's personality.
My husband's official title is doctor, PhD, that is. His degree is in polymer chemistry. When we first met as undergrads and he told me he was majoring in chemistry, I knew I'd found the right guy: a nerd just like me. I have my own graduate degree: a Masters of Library and Information Science. With this degree, I stand a chance of making a salary nearly equal to that of my husband's. I chose this career because of my love for reading and my various interests. Working in a library provides me with the chance to learn something new almost everyday and often a peek at what's new on the literary scene.
Your "observations" of women are incredibly narrow-minded. Yes, there are plenty of gold-diggers out there. Just like there are plenty of self-absorbed, greedy, know-it-all, ambulance-chasing lawyers. The number of gold-digging women I have met are relatively few compared to the total number of women I have known in my 30+ years; do you really want to know into which category the majority of lawyers I have known fall?
BTW-before you jump on me for picking on lawyers, my uncle and his wife are both lawyers and two of the nicest ones I know.
Comment: #29
Posted by: LibraryKat
Fri Sep 3, 2010 9:06 AM
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The part I don't understand is what being married adds to the relationship. If I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a woman and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, then we should just do it. The only thing that "getting married" adds is that if one member wishes to leave the relationship, then one person (known as the "man") must pay a lot of money to the other member (known as the "woman"). What other difference does being married make?
Comment: #30
Posted by: Ben
Fri Sep 3, 2010 9:08 AM
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Re: FAW and Jean -- While I certainly agree with the sentiments both of you expressed, I would not tell hubby about the prospect of divorce or tell him about taking the money out of the bank accounts. He'll just go and withdraw ALL the money on his way to Maine. If Mrs. J feels that she'd like to salvage the marriage (although I don't see why she would), she could try to get hubby to a marriage counselor BEFORE his trip. That would at least give her peace of mind that she tried her best to save the marriage. But I don't think he'd be willing to go; his whole personality seems to be "ME, ME, ME." But as you both said, she should change all the money over to her own personal account that he can't access and then go see a lawyer - but just NOT tell hubby before she does it. The court MAY make her give some of the money back to hubby as part of the divorce settlement, but at least she'll prevent him from taking it all and spending it on his German bimbo before the divorce is fianalized. Changing the locks may also be a good idea but she should probably run that past the lawyer as well. Regarding the question of adultery, I'm sure all states see that as grounds for divorce. The problem is proving it. Just because he goes on vacation with this woman, it doesn't necessarily prove he's having sex with her. Perhaps a P.I. following and taking photos/video might be useful. LibraryKat mentions used condoms as a souvenir. That might just be a good thing for the lw if she could afford to have them checked for DNA both inside and out to show the female DNA on the outside of the condom is NOT hers and the male DNA inside is her husbands. I think that would be conclusive proof of infidelity.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Sep 3, 2010 9:12 AM
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2: I agree with the other posters that it makes no sense that this woman is all broken up about the situation with her husband's family. They've shown their feelings regarding her for many years. As for going to the mil's funeral, I understand that she went for her children's sakes. I suspect the family rift upsets her because of it's affect on her children than on her own behalf. But as others have said, the kids are now adults and should deal with this however they like. They probably don't want a relationship with that side of the family for at least the fact that those family members have been so rude to their mom. All the lw needs to do is tell her kids that they're grown ups and can do what they like regarding having any relationship with their father's family and that it won't upset her if they choose to do so. Then let them mend their own fences if that's what they like.
3: The first funeral I attended was my dad's. He was laid out in an open casket during the calling hours at the funeral home. I wasn't told that would happen and was shocked when I saw his dead body. But I think the main reason was the fact he was the first dead person I'd ever seen in my 19 years of life and no one told me. He'd always said he didn't want people looking at his dead body; so I really hadn't expected to see him. But at least he had a nice expression on his face. He looked like he was about to open his mouth and tell a funny story. Sure, I remember him as he looked in that casket but I also remember him as he was in life. And he died 42 years ago. Since then, I've had no problem seeing people in their open caskets. When one of my sisters died, I had been with her that day in the nursing home seeing her struggle to breathe and seeing her distress knowing that death was imminent. A good number of family members were there with her that day to say good-bye and tell her that we loved her. I had to leave before her actual death. Her only child was with her for that. But she was cremated and there was no body to view at her funeral. Even though I was there very close to the end and knew she would die within hours of my leaving, I missed not seeing her in a casket. I think that would have given me better closure. If asked ahead of time what I would prefer, I don't think I would have said that I wanted a viewing. But I really did miss that. It was as though she wasn't even there at her own funeral and that her son had just disposed of her body like so much stuff to clear away. The thing is, it was this sister who became absolutely livid when our oldest sister died and her husband wasn't going to have a viewing before she was cremated. She said she had to be able to see Mary and say good bye and that the other siblings deserved to be able to do this as well. So we all travelled to have our private viewing at the funeral home before she was cremated.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Sep 3, 2010 9:43 AM
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LW #1, Please write back to let us know happened. Annies: Please publish her reply if she writes back and the responses of anyone who has had the same thing happen.
Comment: #33
Posted by: steven
Fri Sep 3, 2010 9:43 AM
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@ Ben
I think he is not a busy lawyer, based on the number of his postings today.
Comment: #34
Posted by: KT
Fri Sep 3, 2010 10:14 AM
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LW1 Run, don't walk to the lawyer. And don't be surprised if husband already cleaned out most the bank accounts. As to the supposed lawyer (Ben) who was writing about not working in marriage, most women these days do either work outside the home or run a homebased businessat least parttime, usually fulltime. This is in addition to doing 80% of the housework and childcare, while doing even less home and car maintenance than our fathers and grandfathers did back in the day when all the wives stayed home to care for the kids.
LW2 Don't waste time with your ex-in-laws. Keep them on the Christmas card list so they can't complain they never hear from you, that only takes a couple of minutes and a stamp once a year. Let your kids make their own decisions about contact. My guess is any relationship your kids have with them will depend strickly on their efforts, otherwise their father's side would already be trying to maintain contact with either them, or with you for the purpose of keeping up with them. Obviously MIL and SIL never accepted you as family, and it does not sound as if your kids were ever fully accepted either.
LW3 the tradition of taking pictures of the deceased dates back to when people had pictures taken very rarely and often it was the only current picture the family would have. I think it continued later as a way to share the funeral with those who could not attend. As to funerals, they are to both honor the one who died and comfort those left behind. You don't actually even need the body there.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Elizabeth
Fri Sep 3, 2010 10:28 AM
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Ben, I have something very important to share with you, personally...I just LOVED the movie they made about your life, you BIG, HAIRY RAT.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Jean
Fri Sep 3, 2010 10:29 AM
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My-oh-my
Ben, please refer to yesterdays Annie column about the Casper Wyoming lonely man column and look at comment #39, posted by OccamShave. I think you two would make a fabulous couple. Just don't SPAWN.
Rick, you rock man. Everyone else who ben-bashed, you made my day too.
Has anyone heard from Crissy lately? I hope she's okay. It sounds like she had a tough time with her fathers death a few weeks ago.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Chelle
Fri Sep 3, 2010 11:26 AM
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Re: Chelle - :-)
Comment: #38
Posted by: Rick
Fri Sep 3, 2010 11:42 AM
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I think people are missing the point about LW1. She's just asking if she's wrong to feel humiliated and bitter. The fact that she even has to ASK this makes me wonder if she's got a screw loose - or has such incredibly low self-esteem that she questions her feelings of betrayal. OF COURSE she should kick the bum out, but I bet she won't, since she probably figures she can save this "solid" marriage. I wonder how long she'll continue to let him tromp all over her before she finally dumps him. Probably until the day he brings his "new friend" home for a visit and expects his wife to sleep in the den!
Comment: #39
Posted by: Linda
Fri Sep 3, 2010 1:23 PM
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Need advice.Married 14yrs.June 3rd '09' I caught my wife talking to another man on her cell phone.I asked who she was speaking with,she said her friend Cindy from work.She was acting really funny,I got suspicious.I started checking her cell phone,she deleted all incoming and out going calls.I memorized the the she had been calling.Her cell rang one day and it was that number.I was hoping for closer,was this Cindy from work? I hoped.When I answered they hung up.I questioned my wife about this.She said she didnt know why she would hang up.I knew what was going on.So later that day I called that number and left messages,letting him know I love my wife and if something is going on it could get ugly.I called my wife at her work the next day,she was upset.She let me know that hef friend and co worker is upset about the messages I had left on her phone.She also let me know that Cindy is scared of me.So what did I do? I called Cindy at my wifes work to apologize.When Cindy answered I let her know how sorry I was for the messages I left.She replied "What messages"? OMG! I then called my wife back to let her know what Cindy had said.She replied "She probably is so scared of you she pretended not to know what your talking about.I was going nuts with the obvious lies.My wife also let me know that Cindy's kids are scared of me.When I said Ill go over and talk to them she replied again"well they will probably pretend to not know what your talking about." I was dying inside.For a year I spent investigating ,following her, checking her under garments which I found enough of more of the obvious.She is ten yrs. older than I,and a bad diabetic.Ive come to realize her being close to 50 noticing the changes in her face and body drove her to have this affair with "Mike".Before I left I made sure her family knew the truth .She claims to this day he is just a friend.I caught her telling him "i love you so much,I cant wait to see you tomarrow ." I went to her work one day,which I never do but I needed solid proof.I saw a phone number posted on her computer I put that number in my cell.Right as we were leaving her work the phone rang.Right at 3:30 when she gets off.It was that same number on the post it.I asked if she was going to get it.She said ,she dosent answer her phone after 3:30.I called that number when I got home.It was Mike. No surprise.Point is ,I cooked, cleaned,I cared for her.I was a nurse a husband a father and a mother.I had the life.And now im out in this world,starting all over again.Ive been out on my own for 6mo.now and I climbed the biggest hurdle ,yet im still not satisfied.I been with other women.But I just dont feel the love I once felt.Empty inside.No cares. Reckless.Angry.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Jeff
Fri Sep 3, 2010 1:44 PM
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To cassandr, Good advice--I never looked at it that way. Thanks.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Jack Olds
Fri Sep 3, 2010 2:45 PM
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Wow. I'm not on the computer for a few hours and you people go crazy! :)
Jeff--use the "enter" key once in a while and add some paragraphing. It would make your post much easier to read.
Ben--hasn't your bridge been unattended long enough? You did remind me of something my son said, when he was about 10 or 12. He announced that he wasn't going to work when he grew up. I said, "Oh, how do you plan to support yourself?" He replied, "I'm going to be a lawyer."
And where is all this money that divorced women are supposed to get? I got a divorce in '74 and I didn't get any money, monthly checks, or anything. One of my friends recently divorced, after years of working 2 jobs at times, because her husband would work just long enough to get hurt and then limp around claiming to be disabled. He's the type, if the doctor told him to wear a brace for a week, he'd wear it for a month. She had to pay that good-for-nothing, seldom employed, ineffective parasite several thousand dollars to be done with him.
Another friend told me that her ex owes her thousands in child support. He actually told her that child support was a "perk." He married another woman (from Africa), and to keep my friend from getting their house, he put it in his 2nd wife's name. He paid to bring the 2nd wife's family to this country, all the while refusing to pay his court-ordered child support to my friend. Well, you gotta love karma. He came home one day and his father-in-law had changed the locks and all his stuff was in the front yard.
I wonder if LW1's husband will be disappointed when he meets his FB friend. She may not be all she claims to be, or she may be looking for a green card. Either way, I hope LW1 sends him off with her blessings, changes the locks, and cleans out the bank accounts before she sends all his stuff to Good Will.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Fri Sep 3, 2010 2:46 PM
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peoples, it is wrong to take ALL of the money out of the checking account! that is stealing...she should only take half from the checking and savings...anything else looks bad.
~Lisa
Comment: #43
Posted by: lisameowme
Fri Sep 3, 2010 3:00 PM
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The majority of states do not care if you are an adulterer. It is called no fault divorce... Ben, I know you must have known that. Live apart for a certain length of time or claim irreconcilable differences go to couurt and get your walking papers. Please don't try to perpetuate the old myth that women can get money that they are not entitled to except in rare cases. We all know that whoever has the best lawyer wins the majority of contested divorces. Not one thing you have said leads me to believe that you have a law degree. Although being an attorney does not require great intelligence, skill or moral convictions. You sound more like a kid in college hoping to get into law school.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Penny
Fri Sep 3, 2010 3:36 PM
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Re: Penny - I think you're being very generous in your assessment of our pal Ben. I doubt that he's in college. More like middle school or maybe, and I'm being charitable here myself, a freshman in high school.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Rick
Fri Sep 3, 2010 3:47 PM
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Maybe Ben just prefers to be a house husband. Though that seems odd for someone who's evidently been through law school and passed a bar exam, assuming he really is a credentialed attorney. He's right that some women DO fit the gold-digger stereotype. Unfortunately, some do...and it's been said this is hard-wired into womens' biology, having to do with whether or not he will be able to provide for her and her children. Ben is wrong if he thinks that all of them are like this - the one I'm involved with certainly isn't impressed by wealth or salary, or even a man's looks. She's more interested in honesty, fidelity, integrity, responsibility, and whether or not I've got my priorities in order.
Comment: #46
Posted by: Matt
Fri Sep 3, 2010 5:40 PM
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Re: Rick I agree with you and Penny. Probably not really a lawyer! With every person I've known who went through a divorce, the person who earned the least, whether they worked or not, came out the financial loser. They only got 50% of real and liquid assets even if they got custody of kids (and had to pay other spouse for 50% of home equity). And judges, at least in my area, have been known to tell women who were homemakers, that they were going to base child support on what the woman would have been earning had she stayed in her profession, rather than what they would actually earn if they managed to find a job in the field they left 10 or 15 years earlier. A real lawyer would know that a stay-at-home spouse no longer gets larger property or monetary awards, and alimony of any kind is extremely rare, very limited in time, and reserved for unusal situations. Even a spouse who works to put their partner through school finds that is seldom considered by the court. And with no-fault divorce in most states, adultery is no longer a consideration in divorce or custody.
Comment: #47
Posted by: Elizabeth
Fri Sep 3, 2010 5:48 PM
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LW1: What an idiot. How could he possibly act like he is still interested in you. I agree wholeheartedly, "get a lawyer". Men like this make me want to leave my gender for the more considerate and thoughtful one. 11 years? And he shows you he changed his mind by a trip to a state with a woman he has not only never met before, but also has no real relation with. "The nerve..." More like the insensitivity, the ignorance and the shallowness.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Stephen
Fri Sep 3, 2010 6:04 PM
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Ben, I know you're just a troll, but I'm going to prove you wrong anyway. My first question would be "What's his name?" My second question would be "Does he have blue eyes?" That's the only trait I've ever actually defined on my "dream guy"...He has to have blue eyes. :)
Comment: #49
Posted by: Candi Anne
Fri Sep 3, 2010 11:32 PM
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Why are we wasting so much time on Ben? He's not worth it. 'He' is probably some high-school girl who's been ditched by her handsome boyfriend and wants to make all men seem shallow and stupid. She's doing a god job but we should stop giving her so much attention; we're just encouraging her to continue.
Comment: #50
Posted by: Lynn
Sat Sep 4, 2010 3:28 AM
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Re: Lynn - You are right Lynn but playing with Little Ben has been kind of fun in a sadistic cat with a blind rat kind of way. I'm a firm believer in not feeding trolls but Ben has been kind of special. Oh well, today is another day.
Comment: #51
Posted by: Rick
Sat Sep 4, 2010 6:08 AM
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As much as it might please one to engage in fantasies of quick, pre-emptive revenge such as changing locks and cleaning out bank accounts, it's probably wise for LW1 to consult a lawyer first. Otherwise, as sometimes happens with the vagaries of the law, SHE might end up being charged with desertion.
Comment: #52
Posted by: sherry
Sat Sep 4, 2010 8:20 AM
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I have been married for 22 years. I have two daughters in college. I had caught my husband talking with someone who lived out of state and tried to explain to him the reasoning why this was not appropriate. He recieved a job promotion that I helped negotiate. He has left me for this other woman and they are currently living together. I had to file for divorce because he never did. He then wanted to try to reconcile and agreed to go to counseling, which only lasted three session. The first session was all about how he was definately going to break it off with her and then three days later she shows up at my house to apologize and tell me she was leaving and going back home. The second counseling session was discussing why he let her stay two nights and took three days to tell her he was trying to reconcile with me. The third counseling session was to tell me he "wasn't feeling it and wanted the divorce".. He has stoppped all communication to his friends, He lives in another city and she is currently living with him. He has had minimal contact with his kids and his family and has never explained to anyone why he feels this way. He just says he was unhappy. I know that is untrue because we where very active and the only reason he started talking to her was because she was having difficulties in her marriage and he would stay up at night drinking and talk with her. I don't want to reconcile but why is this so hard to deal with. This is someone he graduated with but never talked to because she wasn't the type of person he would have associated with. I have been stalked by her and her family. He will not communicate with anyone, she is very manipulative and is always posting things that the kids can see that lets them know she is in his life but he continues to lie about it because he doesn't want to make harder on them. He will not communicate with his mother or his sister. Help how do I get over this. We've been married since I was nineteen. And of course I get the repeated sayings from him " he knows its selfish but it is his turn" and "i love your and I always will but not like I should love a wife" any advice is greatly appreciated
Comment: #53
Posted by: jmb
Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:46 PM
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