Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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LW3 refers to the second letter on 3 February 2013, and was also discussed on 23 March 2013.

LW1 - I would look into why his ex won't let him see his daughter and why he doesn't care enough to do anything about that. This could be anything - the ex could be a horrible person, your hubby could just not like kids enough to bother, or your hubby could have a dark side you haven't seen yet - but it's very likely a key to why he doesn't want kids with you. You have to face up to his "I'm not ready yet & i don't know why" means "No Kids" and see what you want to do about that. You can't make someone want something that they don't want, and in the case of kids, it's not smart to try and it's not fair to the kids or to your husband. I'm guessing he knew before he got married that if he said "no kids" then, you wouldn't have married him so he pretended to agree with you.
LW2 - that's just gross. Try posting a sign and putting a hazardous waste bag in the bathroom. Sadly, people who are this clueless probably won't change no matter what you do.

LW1: He does not see his first kid. Do NOT have a child with this man. Are you out of your mind? Do NOT have a child with this man. Why on earth do you think he's so wonderful? Find a good divorce lawyer and ask why a mother might get sole custody nowadays. Not for any petty reason, that's for real. Do NOT have a child with this man. Divorce him and go to a sperm bank first. Don't be an idiot.

LW1: What Louisa said! Even if the creep changed his mind tomorrow, it would be a terrible idea to have a child with him. "I feel ya"??? You may love him, but he doesn't love you, and he's probably not capable of loving any child you have. You want to HAVE a child, not be married to one. Ditch this idiot and find yourself a real man.

LW1 - There is definitely something wrong here, and it's not simply the fact that the LW's husband has changed his mind about having more children. The ex-GF could be a total bitch in refusing to allow him to see his child, but why hasn't he fought it? Also, there could be a valid reason why he isn't seeing his child, and it COULD be court ordered, due to some behavior on his part. Obviously, the LW doesn't know the reason and it doesn't sound like she's made much of an effort to find out. In any event, having children with someone who doesn't want them is a REALLY bad idea, especially for the children. If the main thing in the LW's life is raising a family, she should divorce this man and find one who shares her desire for children. Trying to force the issue won't have the result she wants and isn't the answer.

LW1--"How can I find out what is really bothering him and get him on the same page again?" You could try asking him, instead of a syndicated advice columnist. Look hon, this isn't rocket science. You corner your husband and explain to him matter of factually, as you did the Annies about the complications with pregnancy and delivery that older women face. Tell him point blank that you're reaching the age where it's time to either piss or get off the pot. If your husband hems and haws or comes back with another one of his idiotic retorts, then explain to him that since he's not ready to have kids with you, then you have no other choice than to leave him to find someone who is. Then do it. Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt on the other hand, my guess is that his ex-wife used him as a sperm bank and then took the child. The fact that you haven't met your own step-daughter should be speaking volumes as to why your husband is hesitant to create another life. That someone could completely deny one access to one's own flesh and blood is disturbing. Maybe your husband is afraid on some level that's what you'll do too. Try asking him that.

LW2--Once again, another germophobe... Look honey, you're not going to change people and if you think posting a sign is going to magically do the trick you're dreaming. Since you know you're going end up picking up people's used band-aides and other icky paraphernalia regardless of your diatribe in the local paper, then get yourself a box of rubber exam gloves and wear them when you bus tables. Problem solved. If you think your job is gross, think of what the cleaning crew over at your local by the hour "no tell" motel faces on a daily basis. Now you know why they wear exam gloves.

LW3--When "Concerned" isn't the bride or groom then he doesn't get a say as to what is or isn't displayed at the wedding, what food is served or who is or isn't invited. "Concerned" needs to recognize his utter lack of power in such decision and either shut up and show up, or stay home. It's that simple.

LW1, while we don't have any idea why he doesn't see his child or hasn't fought to see his child, it does seem odd. It's a warning bell, for sure, and you need to get your husband to have a deeper, more revealing conversation with you about this than just "I feel ya". If he won't then you kind of have your answer -- and let him know that his refusal to talk about this any more will spell the end of the marriage.

LW2, Ew. Ew ew ew ew. I'd put a bin right by the front entrance, right inside the front entrance, and inside the bathrooms. And put up signs. And have the bussers wandering around with giant plastic hazmat bags to pick this stuff up as it's peeled off of suppurating wounds and deposited on the tables where people are supposed to eat.

Did I mentioned "ew"?

LW3, I think it's a fine idea, and I think it's up to the bride and groom to decide... it is *their* wedding, after all.

LW3 - I hadn't weighed in on this before when It's been discussed, but when my son and daughter-in-law got married, she had photos of her mother on a little table both at the ceremony and at the reception. Her mother had died earlier that year after a long battle with cancer, and I thought it was wonderful that my DIL found a way to "include" her in the wedding. As the other posters have said, it's the business of the bride and groom, NOT people who had nothing to do with the wedding. And as a poster said the last time this issue was brought up - ignoring relatives who have died doesn't insure that no one else will ever die. Why pretend they didn't exist?

Based off LW2: I do not understand at all why anyone would stick their gum under the table. Any table! No one would do this to their own table at home but they do it at restaurant?!!?

LW1 - I, too, was wondering why your husband hasn't fought to see his daughter. In this day and age, the courts don't always side with the mother and tell the fathers to get lost. Perhaps he doesn't want to see his daughter and just let his ex-girlfriend have her and has told you, "She won't allow me to see her," as an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if you advised him to get a lawyer about seeing his daughter and he just brushed it off and did nothing. Something is fishy about this guy.

I believe he agreed to have kids with you to get you to marry him and now he's pulling the ol' "Oh, I'm not ready and I don't know why," act. He obviously wasn't "ready" X number of years ago when his ex-GF had a baby. I would advise marriage counseling to get to the bottom of what's going on with him. But he likely won't go. If that's the case, go by yourself. And you might want to see if you can contact the ex-GF and ask her about what happened regarding their daughter. She may give you a different story than his. Not saying her words would definitly be truthful but it may steer you in the right direction to find out what kind of man you married.

I understand you want a child but if you get pregnant and pretend if was an accident, you may find yourself as a single mother and him telling some other woman that you don't allow him access to your child. Proceed with caution.

LW2 - Go ahead and put the sign up, but don't expect most people to listen. Wear gloves when you clear plates with bandages on them.

LW1: My opinion? He's stalling and hoping you'll not be able to conceive when he's "ready." Big red flag.

LW2: People are gross. I used to be a waitress and a catering server and I've witnessed some icky things. One time, a guest at a wedding changed her kids' poopy diaper on the table and then left it for us to pick up. Ew. I'm not a germaphobe by any means, but that kind of behavior is icky and rude.

LW3: This, friends, is why I will elope if I ever get married!

LW1: Whaaaat? Full custody doesn't mean he can't ever see his child. I'm surprised you married him without ever having found that out, or meeting the child. These letters never fail to amaze me how women can marry total strangers, and not bother to find out vital information beforehand. When he says "I feel ya" it's basically something he thinks will make you think he's being understanding. It's actually not even the right response. "I feel ya" means he's in the same situation, and he is not. He does'nt know why one day he wanted children and the next day he changed his mind on the most important thing in his life? Is he scared your relationship is rocky and he doesn't want to risk losing another child? Does he ever talk about wanting to see his child? If not, that's a problem. Actually, if you are nearing a later age for pregnancy, you'd be better off leaving him and finding a new husband. That said, you can, if in good health, have a baby til 40. 35 isn't the hard and fast cutoff anymore- someone's cutoff could be when they are 20, someone else's could be when they are 45. Question: What would hubby do if you suddenly got pregnant? If the answer isn't immediately "He'd stay with me and be excited for our baby" then you need to leave.

LW1, there is no way in heck, unless your husband was convicted of child abuse so severe he was stripped of his parental rights, that his ex-girlfriend could stop him from seeing his daughter if he wanted to. The fact is, he doesn't want to. If he did, he could have gone to court for visitation, no matter what the mother said. And face it, he doesn't want to be a co-parent with you, either. And the reason he's evasive about the reason is because he's not too sure he wants to tie himself into having a connection with you through the next 18+ years. (If it were simply a matter of I don't like kids, not sure I'd be a good dad, too much money, hate diapers, etc, he would simply say so, instead of saying I don't know.) That in itself doesn't make him a jerk, and thank gosh you two are both being sensible enough not to bring another unwanted kid into the world, but something has happened in your relationship, and if you really want kids, it's probably time to let this one go and find someone else, pronto.

LW2
i would put up a sign at the entrance . as well as a small note on the tables. That all medical waste left behind will be secured and tested for DNA and matched against criminal history records. it won't stop it all but a lot of people do not want their DNA profiles developed and will probably be very careful about where they leave that form of waste.
second
i really miss ash trays. i don't smoke, but they were the perfect place for sugar packet waste and tea bags etc. we need a new form of table waste collector.

LW1 should provide some good fodder for the Annie's manhating minions. I'm going to grab some pop corn, sit back and enjoy all the wild speculations and accusations.

MEN. They're to blame for EVERYTHING.

LW1: I'd suggest looking in the mirror to find out why he married you.

Seriously.

Honestly, I'm not being insensitive or throwing the blame back at you. But I'm guessing that you're probably in your late 20s or, at the oldest, early 30s, when women are at their most attractive. (Which would make him anywhere from 25-30.) Before I get to my point ... I'd also ask, "What does he like to do on the weekends?"

Those questions have everything to do with my point about why he married you.

HE MARRIED YOU FOR SEX AND SO GOD COULD, in his mind, "SANCTION IT!!!" (Sorry for the shouting, but it may well be the truth.) He just wants the sex with a totally hot woman ...

... but not what comes (or could come) with it. Such as (gasp) having a baby.

So I'd find the ex-wife – who for all we know is also babelicious, although to be honest who really cares(?) – and see what happened after she became pregnant. Did he jump ship there when he got her pregnant? Did he only marry her for the nights in bed, ignorant to the fact that he would have to give up his good times and late-night carousing to be (omigod) A FATHER???!!!???

Why doesn't he see his daughter? The ex would have the answer, but do NOT be surprised if it is because he does NOT WANT TO SEE THE DAUGHTER! With someone like this, if true, he's of the attitude that she's a pest and would take away from watching for the "funniest joke ever" on "Family Guy"/"American Dad!"/"The Cleveland Show" or the ultimate play on Saturday or Sunday afternoons during the fall ... because (gasp) he just might have to feed her, or take her for a walk or to the park, or read to her or go to the zoo ... .

To review:

* The guy you married wanted you only for sex, and saw you as his mark, and is ignorant to or uncaring about the consequences, much less what marriage is all about.
* The guy you married wants nothing – ZERO, ZILCH, NOTHING, NADA – to do with kids because fatherhood "takes up his time" with things he'd rather be doing (wooing the college girls and other late-night carousing, watching sports and immature shows on TV).

As far as him explaining all this ... the only way you're going to get a straight answer is to have your attorney, in court, severely grill him on the stand and badger him until he blurts out the truth. Oops! "*I shouldn't have said that*," he says meekly after he goes on a misogynic rant about what HE wants and what he expects of women (to be a "f-hole," as several posters have said about people like this). Because even if you back him into a corner, he's probably not going to answer you because he's afraid of losing what he perceives as his right to a night in bed with you.

So what do you need to do? Just about what everyone else is suggesting – get a divorce attorney hired yesterday and tell him he can have his college babes and late night carousing and other con games ... and to grow the hell up! This guy is a fraud, a player and a teenager-in-adult clothing. He can go to Hell!

LW1 - You might want to think long and hard about whether your husband's former wife is actually the one keeping him from his child. Or, maybe, he "wasn't ready" for that one either. Either way, you are not on the same page as your husband, so the real question is, "Are you prepared to not have children?" Because that is what you are looking at with this husband.

LW3 - Yeah, you would think it would be a no-brainer, but apparently not.

@ Bobaloo Re: #16

Hey Bob, isn't it a bit early in the morning to be hitting the bottle?

Bobaloo wrote:

"HE MARRIED YOU FOR SEX AND SO GOD COULD, in his mind, "SANCTION IT!!!" (Sorry for the shouting, but it may well be the truth.) He just wants the sex with a totally hot woman ...

... but not what comes (or could come) with it. Such as (gasp) having a baby."


LOL

Oh, man, this is the best one so far.

Keep 'em coming and I'll keep on reading.

BTW – "getting close to that age" ... so that could mean the LW is 31 or 32 ... and yes, a woman could still be attractive in her mid-30s, too.

Princess Bride (#15): Uh, no – men are NOT to blame for everything. But you can bet your sweet bippy that the LW's "husband" makes a good case for "all men being pigs." There are plenty of men out there who are itching to be a father and to give women such as LW1 the life they deserve. The writer's husband is not that person.

OK, enough about LW1 ... onward!

LW2: Unfortunately, any step you take will likely be ignored by some, who are just thoughtless clods and don't care. Well, it's someone else's mess now, they say. I've even heard the case of stained diapers being left on a table!!!!

The suggestion of wastebaskets or encouraging people to use the restroom to dispose of their medical waste is the best you can do. Sorry.

john mockus (#14): Unfortunately, you'll get some people who'll scoff at this notion.

Chris (#6): No, these waitresses or busboys are NOT germophobes. They're working in the food industry, where cleansiness is not only next to Godliness, but a 100 percent necessity. To ask a waitress to clear a table full of some thoughtless person's used needles and bandages, and then handle a platter of salads and French onion soup, even after she's thoroughly washed her hands before taking the platter, is sickening to my stomach ... and may well be deadly to the unfortunate customer.

LW3: And why did the original LW – the one that today's LW is writing in about – object again to having a photo of their late relative displayed at their wedding? To me, I see nothing wrong with displaying late relatives.

It is their wedding ... and to me, if someone objects to a late relative's photo (or an ex's, for that matter, with whom the new couple is on good terms) being on display ... I'd say, there's the door. And if you don't shut up and don't leave, I'll get my burly friend there to help assist you. Hint: He really likes seeing how tight of a grip he can get on your arm.

Re: Chris (#16)

No – I'm sober!

My whole point was that this guy is a jackass, a playboy, a liar, a cheat and a con man – and has no intent of being a father. He married his wife for the sex, not for any other reason. Case closed!

Re: Princess Bride (#19)

Read my first response to you.

Re: Princess Bride
me thinks bobalooney has her own relationship issues
LOL

Re: Princess Bride #15
Very wise of you------make your accusations BEFORE they happen, so you can spend the rest of the day kicking back and relaxing. I thought about doing that with my housework--------was going to go in and scrub the bathtub first thing this morning and then I'd have the rest of the day for fun things. Then I had a second thought-------"Why not wait and do it if and when it NEEDS scrubbing, since it's not even dirty yet?," I said. Silly me!!!!
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To rephrase the LW's problem not using 'he' or 'she' pronouns-------The LW is married to someone who has a child from a former relationship. LW's spouse does not see that child, for reasons never stated to the LW, apparently. LW's spouse had agreed to them having a child, then when the actual time came, said no, and gave as a reason for the change of mind, an "I don't know."
LW wants an answer as to why the change, and also wants a child. Prior agreement, by BOTH of them, was to HAVE a child. Spouse now says "No child", and also "I don't know why", and won't discuss it further.
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LW says "How can I get my spouse to change that decision, and why can't I at least have a reason, since I was told previously that having a child was fine?"
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Answer is-------you can't. If you want a child and your spouse says no (even though spouse's previous answer was 'yes'), your answer is to leave, since you don't want an 'oops' pregnancy and a reluctant spouse who already shows signs of not being a good parent (not fighting to see an already-existing child).
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Now, PB, if you see this as sexist, well, you will find what you are looking for whether it's really there or not. So enjoy your popcorn.

Re: jennylee (#23)

"LW wants an answer as to why the change, and also wants a child. Prior agreement, by BOTH of them, was to HAVE a child. Spouse now says "No child", and also "I don't know why", and won't discuss it further."

The only thing is – the husband KNOWS the reason why he doesn't want to have a child with the LW. He's not discussing it because either 1. He's unable to put it into words; or 2. The answer would make him look extremely unflattering and unfavorable in the wife's eyes because he knows who butters his bread.

My money's on No. 2.

John Mockus wrote:

“me thinks bobalooney has her own relationship issues LOL”

But that's what makes this message board so great, Mockus. It is a great medium for frustrated, bitter women to take out their frustrations against the world – and, more specifically, men. We've seen it week after week, with the constant double standards and ridiculous conclusions.

It's not all of the contributors though. Many are sensible and fair, but there's a group of wackos that simply use this site as an outlet for their own insecurities.

Re: Princess Bride & John Mockus
Somehow I thought that Bobaloo said some time ago that he was a man. Someone correct me if I'm remembering incorrectly.

John Mockus, I know how easy it would be to think that "bobaloo" is a homely, single, man-hating woman, but unfortunately, bobaloo is a single, middle-aged (and overweight -he told us) guy who's never been married and can't get a girlfriend which accounts for all the heavy breathing and the angry projecting and lashing out and acting all tough. And bobaloo, "several" readers do not use the term "f-hole". Only one does - the one you are always trying to impress.

NO ONE knows why the husband referenced in LW1's letter doesn't see his daughter and has changed his mind about kids. (Not even you, bobaloo, in spite of your over active imagination). But the facts alone are a giant red flag. For LW to refer to herself as "older" sounds much more to me like middle thirties and climbing. But again, we don't know. I would be inclined to contact the ex girlfriend and get the story from that end, but I'm not saying that's good advice. It's just what I would probably do - right before I decided to have this marriage annuled if I could, and divorced if I couldn't.

Re: Bobaloo #24
I too believe that he knows why. There's always the possibility that he has just panicked now that it looks like it will be a reality, and has no idea why, but I think there's a good possibility that it's neither #1 or #2, but #3------that he never really wanted one and just agreed as long as it was a vague, sometime-in-the-future thing. I suppose it could also be for financial reasons-----he likes the current situation of how much money there is and how it's spent-------or he thinks they can't afford it at this time------or could be he thinks his wife would not make a good mother and doesn't want to say so. Lots of possibilities here, but she does deserve an answer as to the why of it, I think, since he mislead her previously.
.
I'm not sure I agree that it's because he only wants a wife for sex and not as the mother of his child, that is just one of many possible suppositions. I think it's more likely that all along his wife wanted this more than he did, while he was perfectly happy with it being just the two of them------and rather than be honest and maybe lose her he's just equivocated till it actually came up with a time frame added.
.
And as far as his never seeing his first child, I can only think of two reasons: either (1) he doesn't care enough to fight for it when his ex opposes it or (2) there is someone else (the courts, the law, etc.) saying no to it because of something he has done, and he doesn't want to tell his wife that.
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In any case, as always when two people disagree and neither one will budge, the answer is to either accept uncomplainingly; accept but keep trying to change things; or leave and find someone who is in agreement with what you want (which, I realize, she thought she had already done). I don't like the dishonesty. She should have been told the truth from day one, or at least given a reason for the change of mind if there really was one.

(Nothing to see here, just me being highly amused at the "Mean Boys" club making fools of themselves by thinking Bobaloo is a woman... )

Re: Mike H #29
True------and I find it amusing that while PB is eating his/her popcorn and waiting for the women to start the man-bashing, so far the only 'bashing' of this guy has come from another man. So, PB, do you find that sexist?

Re: Maggie Lawrence (#27)

Never said I can't get a date – I just don't ask for them. I don't have time at this point, no other discussion needed. (Yes, unfortunately, I have admitted to being overweight.)

But then again, I don't know why that is even brought up. To wit: If you're offended by what I'm saying – as I think you have been in the past – then simply ignore it.

And for the record, others have used the term "f-hole" (referring to men who see women as nothing but sex objects who are expected to perform at their beck and call) Which again, is what LW1's husband regards her as.

RE: Maggie

Thanks for the clarification regarding Bobaloo. I didn't know whether he was male or female and took John at his word.

Your description of him sounds about right though and reinforces my notion that this message board is simply an outlet for many bitter people, mostly women (and I'm sure there are many women-bashing forums out there for angry males).

I enjoy observing and occasionally laughing at these people. :)

Re: jennylee (#24)

1. Assuming he's "grown up" (doubtful, but still for argument's sake) – If he wanted just a relationship with just "the two of them," then he needs to find that woman.

2. Actually, yes, I had thought about the possibility that the courts are the reason he's not allowed to see the child. It could be non-support. It could be something he's done that he's trying to hide from his current wife.

But no, I don't think it's because he's panicked and now being told to "put up or shut up" (that is, time to follow through with the promise to have a child together, like they talked about). In the very least, he's just plain not interested. At worst, which is surely more likely, he's a player who hasn't grown up and could care less about his wife's itching to have a baby while she's still young enough to do so.

LW1 -
Your husband is not being honest, and he is also being very selfish.

Dishonest, because he never really wanted more children, and probably never even wanted children in the first place - hence his indifference to his daughter (poor kid). He never was "on the same page" as you, he only pretended to be, because that is what you wanted to hear. I wonder if he pulled the same trick on his ex.

And he strung you along to get you where he wanted - married to him. And now that you hear the biological clock ticking and are pushing the issue, he's balking, and stalling, and being evasive about it, hoping to buy time until it's too late for you. Which is being very selfish, because he obviously doesn't care one hoot or a holler about your feelings, and he doesn't care that ignoring your feelings may cause you irrepairable harm. All that matters to him is what he wants out of you. Wonderful guy? I don't think so.

The decision to have children is a very personal one and, while there are occasional cases of people changing their mind, the Annies are right that this is not negotiable and belongs in the deal-breaker category.

You will not change your husband's mind. You may want to give him an ultimatum (pregnancy or divorve), but this is not an option I recommend. Even if he buckles under (as he perhaos did for his ex), at best, you will end up with man who is as indifferent to his second child as he is to to his first. You may also end up with a man who starts to resent YOU for forcing him in a place where he doesn't want to be - and eventually leaves you over it. I would be curious to find out if all this was a factor in his first divorce, and the REAL reason why he isn't seeing his daughter... If I were you.

But the gist of the matter is this: you have to decide (and fast) if being married to your husband is more important to you than having children. It probably isn't, which makes it hard and painful because you're obviously in love. Keep in mind that if you stay with this man, unless you can truly put the idea of motherhood out of your heart and mind, the resentment you'll start to feel once the best before date has passed for you will eventually kill your love.

It is true that pregnancy for older women greatly increases the risk of complications, both for the mother and the child, especially for a first pregnancy. It's not a certainty for every woman, but you can't be sure you'll be one of the lucky ones. There's also the timing factor - motherhood is hard enough as it is without having to go through menopause while your kid is going through puberty and teen years. Depending on how either condition is for the woman and the teen, and on the family dynamics, some families fare better or worse than others.

Frankly, I believe you would do best in leaving now, and start searching hard for a man who shares your family values. While you're still young enough. And don't have a child with this man - given his track record with his first, he doesn't seem to be good father material. I don't even think he's so hot as a husband, as he seem to be disingenuous at best - he does know why he doesn't want children with you. He just doesn't want to tell you.

P.S.: "I feel ya"? What kind of talk is that coming from a grown man? He sounds like a 14 year-old "dude", not old enough to be married twice already and a father!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

@Jennylee #23
LOL!

Re: Maggie Lawrence (#27)

And FTR – I am NOT trying to impress anyone. Although yes, I admit I did pick up the term from that poster – I've picked up quite a few things from some of you, believe me, along with my own spin of things. But as for that poster you say I'm trying to impress – we've had our moments lately, believe me (such as with the grandma who wanted to see her grandchild even though she was ill), but I suppose that it comes with the territory of BTL's like this.

For anyone, no matter who it is, whether it's with you Maggie, or Mike H or Chris or anyone else ... I'd much rather have you all on my good side. I truly mean that. I think you all add valuable insights – sometimes boring and staid, but still valuable – and I hope you see the same with mine, no matter how bizarre it may seem.

Princess Bride (#32):

I avoid the women-bashing boards. Sorry. Don't know where they are, and don't care.

Re: Princess Bride #25
You DO know that Bobaloo is a man, right?

Bobaloo #31 - then I would suggest you start asking for them. You certainly have the time to post on this forum. And I say that because your ranting and build-up of frustration has become a given. Yes, you can occasionally post in a rational and even thoughtful way - but is that how you would describe your first post today? Totally off the deep end, flinging out in absurd extremes and exaggerations and always with that focus on "hot babes", etc. And it's tiresome and it doesn't need to be.

And for the record, would you please cite one other poster besides you and LB, who have ever referred to women as "f-holes" in probably the angriest projection of all?

#35, okay, now that's what I mean. That's the bobaloo I like to read....

Re: Bobaloo
"We've had our moments lately, believe me, (...) but I suppose that it comes with the territory of BTL's like this."
Hey. We'd have "our moments" even if we were soul mates and married. Comes with the territory of any relationship on any level, even Internet ones! ;-D

@LW1 -- We none of us know why your husband doesn't see his daughter, and it would appear you don't really know, either. That would be good information for you to have, as it MIGHT offer some insight into why he doesn't want to have kids. I frequently talk about the fact that it isn't a crime to change one's mind about wanting kids or not -- yes, it's possible your husband pulled a bait-and-switch. It's equally possible that when faced with actually moving forward with having children, he realized he still isn't ready. This doesn't HAVE to be him being an @$$hole, though it certainly could be. So, here's what you need to do:

1) Try to talk with your husband about this one last time, only this time, do more LISTENING than talking. Don't settle for "I feel ya" -- that doesn't tell you what HE's thinking, it tells you that he understands why you are concerned about continuing to wait. Instead of spending any time telling him your thoughts and feelings on the topic -- I'm betting he's WELL aware of them -- spend the time trying to get him to tell you what HE's thinking and feeling.

2) Do NOT tell him you are prepared to leave the marriage over this, because basically that will come across as you threatening him and blackmailing him into having kids with you. You will turn this into 'have kids with me, or we're over." You are not going to like either of those outcomes. People think "oh, but once we have kids, s/he'll love them and be so glad we did." And sure, that can happen, but If he grudgingly agrees to have kids with you, it is just as possible that he will resent you and the children for forcing his hand, and then you will all be miserable.

3) After you've had this conversation, you need to decide A) if you think he is ever going to be ready to have children; B) if you are willing to wait for that; C) what is more important to you -- being married to this man or becoming a mother. Once you know those answers, you will know whether you need to end the marriage or not. Just make sure you are being totally honest with yourself about A and B before you move on to C.

Here's my guess -- and it really is just a guess: you need to accept that he's not likely to ever want children, in which case you need to decide what is more important to you -- being married to him or having children.

@jennylee, indeed, and what's most amusing is that this isn't the first time our resident troll has fallen prey to the sexism he so frequently ascribes to women. He is well-known for a constant one-note sexism of his own, in a very blatantly misogynistic way.

It's the "take the log out of your own eye before you worry about the speck in others" principle, writ large.

That's why I ignore him, most of the time -- except when he really amuses me. Otherwise, you could spend all day driving the truck through the lapses in logic and distortions of his screeds, and that ends up boring me. There's no intellectual stimulation or enjoyment in a one-note one-trick pony.

One important lesson to remember about the internet: You can't "un-delude" people who have irrational fixations. So just figure out a way to enjoy the fun or ignore.

@bobaloo, boring and staid? BORING AND STAID? If you cut me, do I not bleed? Oh, you wound me sir!

It is *on* like Donkey Kong now, buddy. Ain't no way to stay on my good side THAT way!

From now on my comments will come with backup dancers! And acrobats! And fireworks! And drag queens lip-syncing for their lives!

Boring and staid my fanny. Harumph!

It sounds to me like this guy (LW1) is not being honest with anyone. You don't really know why he isn't seeing his daughter- I suggest you contact the girl's mother and get her take on this. My sister heard from her ex-husbands third wife, who wanted to tell her that he had died. During the conversation, she mentioned that it was a shame my sister never let him see their daughter. HA! He abandoned the daughter and quit his job right after the divorce, and he never paid a penny of support, or even asked to visit. So, right now you only know what he has told you, and I think you need more information. And that "I feel ya" crap, what is he, 12? That's the kind of answer you give when you don't want to have a real discussion. He doesn't "feel ya", or he would know that having a child is important to you, and he is blowing off your feelings, without revealing what his thoughts are.

Mike H wrote:
"...what's most amusing is that this isn't the first time our resident troll has fallen prey to the sexism he so frequently ascribes to women. He is well-known for a constant one-note sexism of his own, in a very blatantly misogynistic way."

Oh, come now. John Mockus mentioned that Bobaloo was a "she" so I took the comment as truth. It doesn't make any of the ridiculous hatred, hypocrisy and assumptions spewed on here any less true or hilarious. Several of the more impartial contributors have even admitted that there is a double standard on this board.

BTW, how is the wedding planning coming along?

Having been through it, I can certainly understand how overwhelming -- and expensive! -- it can be. But in the end, it is all worth it and the big day just flies by.

@Princess Bride -- of course, anyone here can SAY s/he's male or female, but that doesn't mean any of us really know. I keep saying I'm a 42-year-old woman with one toddler and another on the way, but for all anyone at this board knows, I'm actually a 15-year-old boy who just likes to pretend to be a 42-year-old woman (of course, that would make me a very odd 15-year-old boy...).

@Bobaloo -- regarding your first post... in this day and age, the number of people who actually feel the need to get married in order to have sex and actually need or want God's and/or society's sanction to have sex are few and far between, in my experience. I know exactly ONE person who waited until the wedding night to have sex (and I say one, because the other person in that couple had had sex before, just not with this person). Look around you at all the couples out there who are having sex and having children and feel no need or desire to get married. While it is certainly possible LW1's husband married her so he could have "sanctioned" sex with her, I strongly doubt it. He apparently was only too happy to have sex with his ex without ever getting married -- LW refers to the ex as an ex-GF, not as an ex-wife. While I think it's very possible that this guy has been dishonest with her, I don't think it was just to get her to have sex with him -- I'm betting they were having sex long before they got married.

@jennylee (28) -- excellent post! I do think it's possible for a person to not be ready to have kids and not be sure why -- and also not be sure that s/he ever will be ready to have kids, and this doesn't necessarily make the person a dishonest jerk. I was 24 when I got married, and my husband was 29. Before we got married, I told him I knew I certainly didn't want kids right away but that I also wasn't sure that I would EVER want to have them -- and indeed, I couldn't actually imagine ever wanting them, so if he was going to marry me, he had to be OK with the likelihood he would never be a father. He said that was OK with him. And it WAS OK with him. He was not lying to me about that. But a little more than a decade later, he realized he really would like to have children. He didn't threaten to leave the marriage -- indeed, he said if he had to make a choice, he'd rather be with me than have children -- but he asked me if I was open to talking about parenthood, talking about why I didn't want to be one and exploring that further, in the hope that if we could address those concerns, perhaps I could get over those fears and consider becoming a mother. I can honestly say he never pressured me. I never felt like he pulled a bait-and-switch. I never felt like he "just told me what I wanted to hear" so that I would marry him. Over time, his fears about becoming a father faded, his goals and focus in life changed, and he realized he wanted kids. I actually think this kind of thing happens all the time. After nearly 15 years of marriage and seeing what a fantastic life partner he had been to me, it occurred to me that some of my fears about becoming a mother could be addressed by the fact that I could trust him to be an active, engaged, involved partner in raising children, and I knew that we made a good team.

So, I get a little annoyed when the assumption is "he was lying to you from the start..." Now, that certainly DOES happen, and I would say that given the situation with LW1's husband's daughter from a previous relationship, I would say that IS a very big red flag and that it DOES make it more likely that this is a guy who has never been totally honest with the LW -- dishonest about the circumstances of his daughter's birth, dishonest about the circumstances of his lack of contact with her and dishonest about his wanting to have another child "some day." But whenever I see the topic turn to "but s/he said s/he wanted children and now s/he doesn't" (or "but s/he said s/he never wanted to have children and how s/he does"), I am frustrated with the assumption that someone must automatically have been a lying jerk who never really loved the other person. It happens, and I think there's a strong possibility it is the case with this particular LW's situation, but it's just not always true. I liked that your post was more based on logic than the (understandable) assumption that he's an @$$hole.

OOOH -- back-up dancers, fireworks and lip-syncing drag queens? Now I'M breaking out the popcorn!

Mike, make sure those back-up dancers, acrobats, and drag queens are all "hot babes" and "hotties" or you-know-who won't notice.

LW2 -- I agree that what you describe sounds gross. But I'm not sure I REALLY understand what your question is. I'm assuming your question isn't the one you write: "Would it be too much to ask that they dispose of these medical bandages in the bathroom garbage?" No, you can ask. Doesn't mean it will happen, but you can ask. The problem is, that's not what you're doing. What you're doing is writing to the Annies hoping that people will read what you wrote, recognize that they are the people you are trying to address, and change their behavior. These things rarely work out that way. And before you go posting any signs, you might want to ask the manager/owner of the restaurant about this. But you might want to be prepared for your boss to suggest that if you don't like cleaning up after other people (which does, unfortunately, come with the job), you should find another job. You may well have an understanding boss who agrees with you that this is disgusting and agrees to put up some sort of sign. Unfortunately, as others have noted, the sign may or may not help.

@Lisa, well, to be honest, back-up dancers, fireworks, and lip-syncing drag queens is really just another day at the office for me. ;-) But hopefully it will liven things up around here!

@Maggie, I suspect that my idea of a dancer or acrobat who is a "hottie" may not quite be the same as you-know-who's! ;-)

@PB, you know, if you could post like this more often, and not be so obsessive (or even pre-emptive) with your one-note one-trick crusade (and not constantly use such derogatory language towards women), you might actually find people pay *more* attention to what you have to say, rather than dismissing you or ignoring you. But since you asked nicely, the wedding planning is in full swing, and while it's had it's ups and downs, it's mostly ups at this point. Thanks for asking.

Re: Lisa #45
Thanks------As I get older I learn to be a lot more tolerant and not to assume that everyone who does something does not do it with the worst possible motive. Still got a long way to go before I always look at it with that in mind, and probably I'll be dead before I get there. (Lying DOES throw up a pretty good red flag, though.)
.
I've read over the years (mostly from Carolyn Hax's columns and on-line chats) enough to believe that these things are true:
People can truly believe one thing and change that belief later on. It doesn't mean they were being intentionally deceitful. Sometimes it IS intentional, but still, the net result is the same.
And always the options are the same:
Is the other person being honest with you even though s/he knows it's a decision you won't like? Can you accept the change, uncomplainingly and without resentment, or is it a deal-breaker? Then you make your decision. And usually there is not a 'right' or 'wrong', and you don't get to keep people from changing-----life does that.
Sadly, many marriages break up because someone changes------life does that to you, if nothing else. It's a sad thing, but it happens, and no point in wishing it were different. You just go on, I guess. (Sounds all goody-goody, I know, but it's really true. Can't control life.)

Oops---said that wrong. I meant 'not to assume that everyone who does something DOES do it with the worst possible motive'.

Re: Mike H #41
"One important lesson to remember about the internet: You can't "un-delude" people who have irrational fixations. "
That's applicable everywhere, not just the Internet!

@Maggie #37
And for the record, would you please cite one other poster besides you and LB, who have ever referred to women as "f-holes" in probably the angriest projection of all?"
You are so offended by the term itself that I don't think you quite get it. This has nothing to do with projection, as I am NEVER referring to women as "f--holes", but rather to MEN who see women that way. Examples of recent posts on Yahoo:

"Men are allowed to use their prick whenever they want. You kumdumster women are the problem"
"Men are superior and can do as they wish with broads. If the broad gets pregnant her problem not mine."

Need I go on? Surely you will agree that for men like that, women are nothing but a f--hole indeed. Those are the kind of men I am being extremely sarcastic about whenever I use the word. And yeah, it's very offensive. Not so much the word itself, but rather the way they think, which the word describes. And while I have done my best to tone it down and use crudity only when I believe it's necesary to make a point, I do believe in calling a spade a spade, otherwise nicey-nice-nice-nice thinkers start with the "Oh, but I'm sure it's not THAT baaaaad..."

In fact, I haven't used that word in a long, long time... Well, I might as well start again, since it appears you'll never let me live it down, even if I was to turn boring and staid! If I'm gonna be called a potty mouth, I might as well fully deserve it! ;-D

Bobaloo, you are such a strange little fellow. I can't quite figure you out. Oh well, there's no need really. Keep the amusing posts coming.

Lise, believe it or not, I'm not stupid. I know that the vulgar term we're talking about was intended to project what you think some men think - which is one reason you get called down so often. (And quoting cretins from some other site doesn't support your message. For every one of them, there's an equally moronic woman willing to refer to men as "dicks.") The vulgarity (and now our poor little impressionable bobaloo's - thanks) is so overriding that whatever message you're trying to get across gets lost in all the viciousness. You "might as well" keep doing it? Might as well. But what are you trying to accomplish by it? You don't convince anyone if they're not already there, and it just makes you look bad. I've noticed that people who say "I believe in calling a spade a spade" are always talking about THEIR right to call "a spade a spade." But when they get called a spade by someone else, it's a whole different story.

My issue with bobaloo picking it up, impressionable little fellow that he is, is that if there is a point, it's completely ineffective, and since he says he's a writer, he ought to be aware of that. But he always hides behind the "several others" have done it, when generally he just means one. Usually you.

I've developed a crush on Maggie Lawrence.

There, I said it.

Re: PB

Just now? You're behind!

Aww! Geez, guys - and I thought I'd forgotten how to blush!

Zoe wrote:

"Just now? You're behind!"


Oh, the comebacks I have to this. But I will refrain because I am a gentleman and do not wish to give Lise any extra fodder. :)

Re: Maggie Lawrence
"For every one of them, there's an equally moronic woman willing to refer to men as "dicks.""
Of course there is - don't pull a PB on me now. I've said it before more than once, I'll say it again - if the problem wasn't completely 50-50, it would have been fixed long ago. And there are four-letter words to describe these females also, which I've used, most of the time with asterisks... But that's not the point, as this is not what's under discussion right now.

"and now our poor little impressionable bobaloo's"
Awww, come on, la, hee hee hee ho ho ho haw haw haw haw, ROTFLMAO! Spritzed my cola all over the monitor, see what you made me do? (Someone pass the paper towels, please) I seriously doubt Bobaloo needs to have his virginal ears deflowered after years of working as a sports writer. Some of the locker-room talk he'll have heard will have been enough to peel the paint off the walls, I'm sure!

And yeah, it seems you are one of those for whom it went totally in the stratosphere that I DID make a laudable effort (thanks for noticing, Penny and Ms Davie etc), because you're still waving a finger in my face for whatever back whenever.

And frankly (believe it or not), I wouldn't bother discussing with you if I thought you were stupid... But I find you sometimes a bit stubborn. But then again, I'm sure you feel the same way about me... ;-D

(Bobaloo, an "impressionable little fellow", hee hee hee, still laughing...)

Ah, Maggie, if only you were a man... and I was single...

Ah, Maggie, if only you were a man... and I was single... or a lesbian….

Re: Casey

Just make sure that if you were a lesbian and Maggie wasn't, that you don't tell her how you feel, because she'll never get over it.

Re: Lise Brouillette (#52)

I know you don't need me to back you up, Lise, but Maggie – her statement in this post puts it better than I ever could about my use of the term "f-holes" – men and their superiority complex. Yes, it is offensive, and I'm glad you noticed. This is exactly how this man regards his wife ... except he wants to ignore what else could come with it.

I just wonder what would happen if this guy does get the LW pregnant. And I'm not going to answer that one – I'll leave that for you to debate.

And Maggie, impressionable? Like you said with your response to Lise, "I'm not stupid."

Lisa (#45)

"(R)egarding your first post... in this day and age, the number of people who actually feel the need to get married in order to have sex and actually need or want God's and/or society's sanction to have sex are few and far between, in my experience."

Perhaps. And to be quite honest – without knowing the husband of LW1's background – I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he hasn't had sex BEFORE he married. So much for this guy needing God's "approval."

Re: Maggie Lawrence (#27)

"I would be inclined to contact the ex girlfriend and get the story from that end, but I'm not saying that's good advice. It's just what I would probably do - right before I decided to have this marriage annuled if I could, and divorced if I couldn't."

And getting back to this comment ... I am not an attorney, but I think all you can do is get a divorce. This man is a fraud and con man, but not in the same sense that he lied about who he was that would be grounds for annulment.

Re: Bobaloo

Reneging on a clear agreement to have children can be grounds for an annulment.

Re: Bobaloo
Even if that guy married his wife solely for the ease of regular, free sex, I don't know if he sees her as nothing but a f----hole. He may have enjoyed other things about her as well, besides convenient nookie.

In my book, a man who sees women as "nothing but a f-----hole" is one who views women as nothing-nothing-nothing but that, having absolutely no other use and purpose whatsoever, not quite human, and therefore only fit to be used and abused at will and then discarded like trash - as illustrated by the two examples I supplied to Maggie. And while it is obvious that this guy is deceitful, wimpy and doesn't give a damn about his wife's feelings, there is no proof that he is quite as bad as THAT.

Re: Zoe
With a religious marriage, definitely. Marriage is supposed to be for the purpose of procreation.

Bobaloo, your posts are incredibly confusing today. I really think Chris was right and you were hitting the bottle today. You first wrote “HE MARRIED YOU FOR SEX AND SO GOD COULD, in his mind, "SANCTION IT!!!" (Sorry for the shouting, but it may well be the truth.) He just wants the sex with a totally hot woman ...” then when Lisa pointed out how unlikely this is, because he had a child outside of marriage, you wrote “And to be quite honest – without knowing the husband of LW1's background – I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he hasn't had sex BEFORE he married. So much for this guy needing God's "approval."”
??? Clearly he felt like he doesn't need God's “approval” considering he had a baby with his *girlfriend*, and there is only one way to get pregnant. Also, getting married so you can have God's “approval” is quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever heard.

Oh, good point, Zoe. Maggie: Maybe we should take a break from our friendship for a few years... I promise, I won't still have a crush on you after all those years.

For real good point, Zoe, regarding an annullment. There is a chance she could obtain one legally, and she could definitely obtain one if she wants to obtain one in a church.

@Casey -- I can't help thinking that, given Bobaloo's post at #35, he starts out with a relatively cogent and not totally crazy interpretation of what is going on with a given letter, but then in an effort to ensure that it is neither staid nor boring, he seeks to spice it up a bit. And as can frequently happen when we try to spice up a dish, we can go just a dash (or a heaping gallon) too far, and in the process ruin the dish.

So, with respect to this particular letter, I think Bobaloo, like a lot of posters here, came to the relatively reasonable conclusion that the LW's husband hasn't been totally honest with her -- either about the situation related to his daughter and/or about his desire to have kids (someday) and/or not knowing why he's still not ready when he apparently said that he was just a few months ago. But it wasn't enough to just say, "I don't think your husband has been totally honest with you. It seems there must be more to the story about the situation with his daughter, and you need to look into that. And he owes you more than 'I feel ya' in a conversation about whether or not to have kids." That would have been staid and boring (and also fair and non-judgmental). So, he went from having the perfectly reasonable suspicion that this guy hasn't been totally honest with his wife, and added a little spice here and a little spice there, and suddenly we have a man who only married her to have sex with her "with God's sanction" -- which, of course, is hilarious since I'd bet big money that these two were having sex long before they got married, and while I cannot prove that, he clearly had sex outside of marriage with his ex-GF, so I'm thinking it's unlikely he suddenly "came to Jesus" and didn't have sex with the LW until they got married.

Bobaloo, if you're reading this, I honestly mean no disrespect here. Even though I frequently comment on your posts to point out some issue I don't agree with, I sometimes DO agree with you, and I DO think you bring a valuable perspective to this board (not that you or anyone else here needs validation from me!), but I also think that you often get caught up in these stories you weave. When I saw your comment at #35, that was an "a ha" moment for me -- I really think you just want to avoid being staid and boring and that in your effort to be more interesting/in your face, you wind up going a bridge too far.

All (particularly Lisa at #70):

OK, I'll back off the "needing God's approval" thing. Maybe that was a bit awkward.

I still think this guy is a playboy and a liar who has no intention of changing. He's ruined one relationship and on the verge of ruining another. And that's not a situation I think he's going to want to be in if he really thinks about it. Sorry if even that sounds extreme, but even with the evidence given that's how I see him.

That's about all I've got to say with this letter.

Try again tomorrow. Been in meetings part of the day and need to get caught up on some work and relax.

@Bobaloo, I feel ya.

Ah, Mike! Ah, Casey! I'll have you know this girl has seen a few things on her way around the block. Why, I've been propositioned twice (subtly but clearly) by two lesbians (separate times and places) back in my bellydancing days, and I danced for a lesbian wedding before some of you were even born. (Of course it wasn't a legal wedding, but they went through the motions.) As for the two - I was polite in my declining, and frankly, a bit flattered.

Yes, Lise, we can both be very stubborn. But you're laughing at the wrong idea. When I say Bobaloo is impressionable, that has nothing to do with being innocent. Not the same thing. You say f-hole. He says f-hole. You say "methinks" (ick!) He says "methinks." He rushes in to agree with you at every turn. Speaking of crushes.....THAT's what I mean when I say he's impressionable. I really think he gets all tough talking about blankety blank a-hole men because he wants you to approve of him. Could be wrong - that's what it looks like. So you see, with being the idol of some strange guy in outer space comes responsibility.

Yes, you have toned it down quite a bit from last year or even the year before. Did you want a prize or something? I didn't really engage you on the use of the term except to tell B that he was getting it from you, (he kept saying "several others") but you decided to mount a defense. Okay. I'm just pointing out that beating the same old dead horse about how some men see women only as blah blah blah is getting incredibly old.

Re: Maggie Lawrence
"He rushes in to agree with you at every turn."
We really do see it differently, and I hadn't perceived that, especially in light of some recent, ah, spirited argument we had, and the many times when I called him out on his wild spins. As for him having a crush on me, aw well, perhaps you're right, but then again, perhaps you're wrong! ;-D

LW1: Your husband is not wonderful - he's a deadbeat dad who lied to you so you would shut up and marry him. Pull your head out of your butt and face reality.

LW2: I think it's all gross.

Re: Mike H.

"@Bobaloo, I feel ya."
...so LOL funny!
and I'll be keeping an eye out for the backup dancers, acrobats, fireworks and lip-syncingdrag queens!

Re: Lise Brouillette (#74)

And yes, you have called me out -- right or wrong -- on some of my posts. So I don't know where Maggie thinks I'm trying to pick up anything from you (other than perhaps the "f-hole" thing). The "methinks" thing -- and I have backed off of that -- is coincidental.

And Maggie --

Lise is right (and Lise, correct me if I'm wrong about how I am reading your remarks) -- we are viewing the character of this guy a bit differently. We both agree that he's a deceit and uncaring about others' feelings (i.e., his wife). The difference is, I've ratcheted up the take on how bad this guy is, calling him in essence a playboy who won't grow up; she's stopped well short of that.

And there've been several other instances where we've been on different sides of the fence and had spirited arguments. Same for several other of the regulars. (Mike H and hedgehog are two that come to mind, and there are others.)

And no, I don't have a crush on Lise ... or anyone else on this board, for that matter (so I don't know where that comes from). I wouldn't know any of you if I saw you on the street. I would like to think however, that in our own unique way, we regulars on BTL are "friends" (for lack of a better term) and that despite our differences of opinion and how we see situations, we still get along at the end of the day.

Like I said earlier -- let's just try again tomorrow, and see what situation the letter writers give us. Given the last several days on here, with controversial topics and now a marriage-on-the-rocks type letter in the books, some relatively mundane letters might not be a bad idea for a day or two.

And finally, the Eunice side of the poster at No. 75 is back ... . It's soooooooooooooooooooooo nice to see her blame the LW when it is her husband that is at fault.

Re: Bobaloo
Meh... She levelled enough complaints against the husband that I don't see her blaming the LW. She does tell her to pull her head out of her butt and, frankly, if she still thinks he is so wonderful considering how long he's been jerking her around for, I think that's where her head is indeed... Although I wasn't quite so blunt as our dear national Diana. True to form she is, as usual!

Lisa, "I feel ya" does NOT mean that he understands how she feels, although that's the closest literal interpretation of the phrase. What it means here is "I don't give a damn how you feel, I'm not going to explain myself to you." This idiot has pulled a major bait-and-switch in their marriage, he owes her an explanation, and his only reply is a pissy little comeback he probably learned from a movie.

Baldrz -- you're right. Really, "I feel you" is similar to "I hear you" -- which means "I've heard what you have to say," but does not necessarily mean "and I understand your point" -- though I would suggest that in most cases, when people say either of these phrases, what they're really saying is "I understand what you're saying, but I still think XXX..." In other words, they understand what's being said to them and may even understand why the other person feels/thinks that way, but s/he still feels/thinks differently. When I have heard people say "I feel you" it has typically indicated more agreement and/or empathy than "I hear you." Having said all that, however, I would agree that it would seem the LW's husband is just saying something that he thinks acknowledges his wife's feelings without committing him to understanding or agreeing with them and without offering up any information about what he really thinks or feels.

Re: Lise Brouillette (#78)

I admit you've got a point – to an extent, the LW does have her head in the sand, and I guess that was what I was trying to say in my very first post on the subject, asking in essence these questions:

1. Why do you think he married you? Are you sure it was for all those things marriage is supposed to be about? (Because obviously, he's not open to discussing the topic. Not to say she hasn't tried bringing it up ... because this may go deeper than just his refusal to have children with her.)

2. Why are you still married to him when he's said, in essence, "I don't want to have kids"?

Re: Bobaloo
She can't know why he really married her, but as to why SHE did, well, he very much lead her on. She says, "Before we married, my husband and I talked about having kids. We talked about it again last December, and we agreed that it was time to start a family." So it's not like she left the discussion for until after marriage, like we've seen some LWs do, and then complain about having a nasty surprise. And now that she's calling his bluff, it's a different story and he's showing his true colours.

Yes, now that she's faced with the incontrovertible evidence, she should pull her head out of the sand, but it's not because she's a gullible little fool that her head is there. And even when you've realised that the man you fell for is not the man you're married to... It takes a little while before you fall out of love enough to be able to act.

And how is ths husband a "wonderful guy?"