Tales From The Cryptic My boyfriend of two years got an early birthday present from his sister and her husband: a really expensive, second-row ticket for a major sporting event next year. The trouble is, it falls on my 30th birthday (a Saturday). He knows I usually don't …Read more. Pierre Pressure I'm an 18-year-old woman, recently asked out by a handsome, charming 34-year-old guy from France. He took me out to a nice restaurant, and everything was wonderful until he admitted that he has a girlfriend, though he explained that they always …Read more. Is This Deceit Taken? I'm a 54-year-old single man. I've discovered a troubling and apparently rampant trend among people around my age doing online dating — women not being honest about their age. I think the women doing this include the woman I started seeing, …Read more. Destitution Wedding A friend asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding. It's being held hours away, and the only hotel is pricey. With tux rental, attending will cost me over $500. I'll also have to miss work. (I'm a waiter.) Is it okay to decline a wedding invitation …Read more.more articles
You Lite Up My Life
This man I've been dating didn't want anything serious. I don't either. I explained that I just wanted to hang out and have fun. We were going out several times a week, sleeping together at least once a week. Suddenly, he freaked, worrying I'd get attached. I reinforced that I absolutely don't want anything serious, but he seemed unconvinced. He went away on business and called the day he returned, and we hung out and slept together. The next day, he said we needed to slow things down because he wasn't feeling we were getting closer. (Isn't that the point of not getting serious?!) The whole thing started making me feel bad. I blew him off, and now — crazily enough — he's calling, texting, asking to see me again. Where do we go from here? — Baffled
File you under "too good to be true." When you tell a man "I just wanna hang out and have fun — sometimes naked," you actually mean that. It is not secret womancode for "Love me, or I'll cut up your shirts, set your lawn on fire, and stand under your window at 3 a.m. screaming, 'MY UTERUS IS BAAAARE!'"
He must've been pretty bewildered: "Come on...shouldn't you at least be trying to key my car?" Because so many women seem unable to keep things casual — even when they're sure casual's all they want — men tend to assume that's how all women are. But, there are outliers, and you're one of them. The problem was convincing him of that. Sure, you kept saying "no strings attached," but he figured you just had your hands full weaving them all into a big net.
He, on the other hand, is a man who knows exactly what he wants: "None of that mushbucket stuff!" Until he doesn't know: "Hey! Where's my mushbucket?!" It seems the main thing he wants is to be in control. So, when it became clear you wanted things casual, he kind of blew you off — probably your cue to throw yourself at him — but you yanked him off his game yet again by blowing him off right back. (Men, especially, are compelled to ditch what's chasing them and chase what's trying to ditch them.)
The guy essentially set up a hamster wheel and then complained that the hamster wasn't getting anywhere. Unfortunately, people are messy. Part of what's messing him up may be the romantic mythology that says "fireworks or nuthin!" — that a relationship isn't legit unless it's "going somewhere." (You can't just plan something for Tuesday and, if that goes okay, maybe see a movie on Thursday.) As for where you go from here, a frank talk is in order: Can he handle the casual thing he thinks he wants — or is he a closet committer? If he can live without the promise of a future, you can probably have some good carefree fun in the present: "I love the way you hold me; I love the way you make love to me; I love the way that, afterward, you get out of bed, get in your car and go to your own house."
Stare Way To Heaven
A guy wrote you about a girl he sees at a coffee shop — a girl he suspects is out of his league.
"Sky's the limit!" "You can do anything you set your mind to!" These are fantastically inspiring things to tell a person — when he's about to enter preschool and you're trying to teach him to use the potty. As an adult, you realize that the sky is not the limit. In fact, you sometimes realize that your life is taking place in the crawl space between the third- and fourth-floor apartments — or that you'll never get a date, because you are Joe Ordinary but refuse to consider any girl who's less than a 9.95. As for this guy, I didn't advise him to avoid all beautiful women; I told him to stop slobbering into his latte and ask his crushgirl out. A guy who endlessly pines away either hasn't worked through his social awkwardness or is after somebody out of his league — and knows that — and pining allows him to pretend he's in the game without risking rejection. Rejection can be a good thing; it tells you where you fall on the "What kind of woman can I get?" scale — allowing you to either try to improve your mate value or make the required trade-offs to have dates with women you don't have to inflate with a bicycle pump.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
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It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio! "Nerd your way to a better life," with the best brains in science solving your love, dating, sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, Dr. Roy Baumeister on why willpower is the key to success in numerous areas in life and what you can do to increase yours.