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Thumber Romance
Thumber Romance
I was on a first date with this guy, and he kept texting right at the table. Amazingly, he asked me out again. Is this on-date texting becoming the norm? — Ignored
There are times when your date can't help but break away to text or take a call, like if he's got the other half of the missile launch codes and Luxembourg just attacked Staten Island. If it could be the secretary of state or the babysitter about his kids setting the house on fire with My Little Meth Lab, he should apologize in advance that he might have to take a call. Otherwise, answering is the digital version of leaving your date alone at the table and bopping over to join friends across the restaurant. Texting? You might as well whip out a pen and legal pad: "You busy yourself with that pork chop, Sweetcheeks. Got a couple letters I gotta mail out first thing."
Many people think the fact that their pants are vibrating gives them a pass to put the person they're with on face-to-face "ignore." People with manners consider how their companion might feel sitting before a full restaurant audience pretending to examine a napkin for hidden messages. Cool as it is that you can message somebody in Moscow right from the table, groovy new technology needs to be paired with groovy old-fashioned social graces. If you're going to invite somebody to dinner and ignore them, at least have the decency to get married first and build up years of bitterness and resentment.
There are times when your date can't help but break away to text or take a call, like if he's got the other half of the missile launch codes and Luxembourg just attacked Guelph.
Mystery Meet
This guy I met at a club seemed great, but when we went on a date, he made no eye contact. ZERO. Apparently, he needs lots of alcohol to be normal. My friend just went out with a guy who took her to the equivalent of Subway for Hawaiian food. They sat in plastic chairs, ordered from a counter, and looked out at a parking lot and a porn store. How do we stay in the dating game without becoming bitterly annoyed? — Underwhelmed
A date, as a way to get to know somebody, is really fun — for anybody who enjoys a police interrogation with two-for-one well drinks. Group dating is a much better idea. There's a site called Ignighter.com where you and some friends post a group profile and go out with other groups of friends. Or, you can arrange this sort of thing yourself. With your friends there, you won't be so nervous, you won't have to hold up half the conversation, and you'll get a clearer picture of a guy by seeing him with his friends. Should a group date be a bust, it's like you and your friends all went to some lame party, not like you alone once again failed to find everlasting love. If you must go on a first date solo, meet for drinks — for an hour and a half, tops. Basically, keep it cheap, short, and local — which'll ease the pain should it take a Hobbesian turn toward "nasty, brutish, and short." (Do your best to laugh if that also describes your date.)
Every Clod Has A Silver Lining
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Comments
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16 Comments | Post Comment
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As a guy, I consider it my job to make sure the first "date" is well-planned and fun. I do think a guy's personality should get more consideration than his date idea though. What girl would turn down a funny, charming guy just because there's a parking lot out the window during dinner?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Deft
Tue Jul 6, 2010 12:39 PM
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Deft,
To answer your question, I think it's not so much the parking lot as the fast food restaurant. And I think a guy's sense of humor loses quite a bit in its attractiveness if it only transpires when he can barely slur his jokes under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Ariana
Tue Jul 6, 2010 9:48 PM
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As a fellow male, I identify with Deft's answer, and he's right about planning a first date being our responsibility. However, I am quick to add that the choice of venue says something about the importance the man places on impressing the woman. Fast food restaurants are definitely out for a first date unless you're meeting her for a quick lunch in the middle of the day, and they are definitely out for second or third dates regardless. Personally, I prefer coffee shops for this, and I don't mean Starbucks. (Do people still use the term "coffee shop?" I mean IHOP, Denny's, that sort of thing.) That said, it's also easy to go overboard - don't have your first date at a $20/plate restaurant either. It puts too much pressure on both of you. (I once read this advice at www.loveadvice.com, and I thought it was excellent.) I once took a girl to BREAKFAST for our first date. I asked her to meet me at IHOP at 7AM on a Saturday morning - partly as an experiment to see how she would respond to that idea, and partly because if we hit it off, it could turn into an open-ended day spent together. It was a successful gambit and we dated exclusively for two months after that. I also think it could be fun to just do ordinary everyday things on a date - go to the grocery store, go to the laundromat, that sort of thing, and follow-up with a casual lunch. It's a low-pressure way to spend some time talking and getting to know each other, and also allows you to view each other as you "really" are day-to-day, not the act most of us put on for a dinner & movie date.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Matt
Tue Jul 6, 2010 11:27 PM
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As a woman, I will turn down plenty of funny and charming guys when their idea of "funny and charming" means a plate of mediocre pancakes with a guy whose idea of impressing me is the volume of his belch at the end of the meal. I hate to break it to you, but Denny's and IHOP aren't good date choices either unless you're in college. Starbuck's is a fine choice for a first date, or you could also go to a real coffee shop (as in a cafe that specializes in coffee and which may or may not provide live entertainment), or for an evening choice, you could meet in a nice bar for a drink. Or you could go for a walk in the park and feed the geese, or visit a bakery and have a piece of cake, or any number of choices that are original and inexpensive without being cheap and tacky. Seriously, when you're on a first date (or any date but particularly a first), you're supposed to be demonstrating your interest in the other person. That means both of you dress nicely, ask the other's opinion on what the two of you should do on your date and come to an agreement, get to know each other and treat each other considerately. It is not the time to bust out your most annoying or "unique" proclivities and hope they're not scared off by the fact that you brought them to a monster truck rally, need 5 drinks to act like a human being, spend every minute checking your phone for new texts, or "compliment" the chef with a resounding belch after eating.
Comment: #4
Posted by: limniade
Wed Jul 7, 2010 8:45 AM
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As a middle-aged woman who's been out of the dating scene since college and who is not planning to get back to it, I am doing to weigh in on the choice of a restaurant for the first date. You can have a coffee date. For that, Starbucks or something like that is fine. Grabbing a coffee at a drive-through is not. You can have a breakfast date, and then IHOP or Denny's is probably fine, but again, only if you are college-age kids. Eating at a fast-food place on a first date is fine IF the first date itself is organized around some other activity than eating, preferably something fairly informal or sporty: a trip to the zoo, a hike (although I wouldn't go hiking in an isolated area with a guy I don't know yet), surfing, a trip to the Six Flags or some such, etc. If your first date is specifically a dinner date, going to L&L Hawaiian Barbecue or Wahoo Fish Taco is a no-no, even if you are in college. Denny's or IHOP is not a good choice either. Choose a place with table cloths, cloth napkins, and wait staff that will take your order at the table. It need not be a $20/plate place, but it will probably be at least a $10-15 a plate place. If you can't spend $50-$60 on a first date dinner, don't plan a dinner date. Plan something else.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Ariana
Wed Jul 7, 2010 9:27 AM
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I have to agree w/ the other comments - Denny's or IHOP really isn't a good first, second, or third date choice. Meeting for coffee at a little cafe is also much nicer than meeting at Starbucks. As for doing everyday ordinary things on a date, unless you're in college I think that should wait till you've been dating steadily for a month or so. If I'm still in the getting to know a guy phase, I really don't want to do his grocery shopping w/ him.
Comment: #6
Posted by: cherriej63
Wed Jul 7, 2010 9:40 AM
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Why would anyone take someone he's trying to impress with the sense that he's an extraordinary person well worth her time and attention take that person to a chain restaurant for dinner? There are plenty of ways to do inexpensive that are fun and memorable -- especially ethnic (Ethiopian, Thai, Vietnamese, South American, authentic Mexican or Italian.) I could see Denny's or IHOP but ONLY as very late night options, as in, the late movie or concert or play just got out, let's get a bite to eat while we talk about it because the event was so great, but wait--there's nothing else open,or else anything that IS open is way out of the way. Spur of the moment thing that you both agree to, not because you planned it. A locally owned independent diner, cafe or coffee shop would be even better, but sometimes ya gotta take what's open and right there.
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Wed Jul 7, 2010 4:47 PM
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I *was* in college when I invited the girl to IHOP. Glad I didn't try to date any of the commenters here. Geesh. As I said, it worked fine for me. I wouldn't have gotten a second date out of her (much less a third, fourth, or 27th like I did) if she thought the way you people do. Someone comes up with some great ideas and you shoot them all to pieces. Don't assume all women think like you.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Matt
Wed Jul 7, 2010 11:17 PM
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Oh, and on another occasion, I spent over a hundred bucks on the evening and that one blew up in my face. She went home thinking I was only after one thing. Pfff. Really glad none of you were around to give me advice back then.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Matt
Wed Jul 7, 2010 11:19 PM
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I'm glad it worked for you, Matt, but I think the fact that you were in college had a lot to do with that success. The girl obviously knew that you didn't have a lot of cash to spend.
However, as a presumably employed adult, a first date should be a bit classier than that. Not a $100 a plate dinner, but as others have suggested, a real coffee house or small restaurant, or even a walk in the park, or trip to the beach is a much better choice.
And, btw, grocery shopping and trips to the laundromat are NOT dates. That is something you do with a woman you are in an established relationship with. If a guy took me to do his laundry as a first date, he'd never see me again.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Sally
Thu Jul 8, 2010 1:07 AM
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Matt,
Glad it worked for you, but all women - and college girls - are different, of course. When I was in college, a guy asking me to meet him at 7:00 AM at IHOP wouldn't have gotten a first date, let alone a second. You, obviously, met a girl for whom it worked just like it worked for you. I think what's important here is to learn in advance what your date might like and see if you are willing to do it. WIth all the online dating sites, people have this opportunity of getting to know a little bit about each other via e-mail and phone calls. Before online dating services existed, people had the same opportunity by meeting other people through friends, etc. Of course, there is always the risk of messing it up if you are asking out a person you've never talked to before - a girl you are taking a class with in college, a person whom you see every day when you get your Dunkin Donuts coffee on the way to work, but never talk to beyond a "hi", a pick-up in a bar, etc. There, you have no chance of finding out in advance what their tastes are, but in those cases, you can select the place and activity for the first date together.
Incidentally, for adults and even college students, I am a big fan of first dates being coffee dates or lunch dates at some non-chain place. If no non-chain place is available, Starbucks or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, or Seattle's Best Coffee are okay, I think, and for lunch, ethnic restaurants are a great choice as long as you don't have to order at the counter. Most of them are rather inexpensive, there is little pressure on either party, and there is a chance to start finding out what the other person is like.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Jul 8, 2010 8:25 AM
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I wouldn't really care what we did on the first date (I'm a woman). Sometimes, when a guy is trying to impress me, it just makes things awkward. It would just be cool if he took me to a place he really likes, any kind of place where we could have a conversation. Hiking and walking are always fun choices. Judging from the comments by some of the other ladies, maybe I'm too easy going about this!
Comment: #12
Posted by: Cody
Thu Jul 8, 2010 9:01 AM
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I am 54 years old, and have no intention of dating. However, I recently found myself in a Denny's late at night, trying to choke down a glass of water and a piece of toast. I was waiting for my daughter to pick me up after I dropped off my car at the shop.
If some man (any man, please! any PERSON, please!) had come along and offered to rescue me from Denny's, I would have followed them to the ends of the earth.
In my twenties, I spent many nights at Denny's drinking coffee and playing cards with a group of people.
Timing is everything, apparently.
Comment: #13
Posted by: sabrina free
Thu Jul 8, 2010 12:55 PM
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Cody, you just said what I had been thinking! The first date is about getting to know the other person!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Paul
Thu Jul 8, 2010 10:27 PM
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Re: Cody
I have to agree with you about the guy taking a girl to a restaurant he really likes. When my husband first asked me out, he said there was a really great Italian restaurant the next town over and would I like to go with him? Our 12th wedding anniversary is coming up this fall. :)
Comment: #15
Posted by: LibraryKat
Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:22 PM
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Re: LibraryKat
Aw. That's what it's all about, sharing things you like with people you like!
Comment: #16
Posted by: Cody
Thu Jul 22, 2010 7:52 AM
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