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Thick And Tired Of It
In the two years I've been with my boyfriend, I've gained 40 pounds. I was unemployed, got lazy, blah, blah, blah. I've been trying to slim down without success, probably because I feel so bad about myself now. But, is it normal for a man to withdraw all affection when his partner gains weight? My boyfriend hasn't kissed me or had sex with me in over a year. He won't even put his arm around me. He'll hug me if I ask him, but that's all. Aren't you supposed to love your partner for who they are, even if they gain weight or get cancer and have chemo and lose their hair? I'm certain he isn't cheating, and he says he doesn't want to break up. But, say I lose weight, and he regains interest. Can I ever forgive him for what he's put me through? — Fatty With A Dream
In two years, you've put on the equivalent of a 5-year-old child about to outgrow his car seat. That isn't going up a dress size; it's going up a tent size.
Love might be blind, but male lust usually has a weight limit. There are those guys who are fatty fanciers, but a guy who got together with you 40 pounds ago probably isn't one of them. Male sexuality is highly visual. Women tend to feel superior for not caring as much about looks, but we're all just acting on marching orders from our genes. While most women are picky about men's height, women across cultures prioritize finding a partner with money and mojo. In other words, a big compromise for you probably isn't having sex with a fat guy, but sticking with a guy who quits his high-powered job to become a Hare Krishna and sell flowers at the airport.
Yeah, sure, "real women have curves," but these days, far too many real women's curves also have folds. The sad thing is, if you're like so many Fatty Pattys desperately trying to lose weight, you've probably been approaching it all wrong — thanks to the advice of your doctor, Dr. Oz, much of the medical establishment, and numerous supposed scientists at prestigious universities. It's actually obscene how many "authorities" lazily and intransigently promote hearsay-based dietary medicine; for example, claiming saturated fat consumption causes heart disease when the evidence for that simply doesn't exist.
For actual evidence-based science on losing weight, sans hunger and suffering, turn to Dr. Michael Eades' blog at proteinpower.com and to investigative science journalist Gary Taubes' exhaustively researched book "Good Calories, Bad Calories." Taubes shows that it's carbohydrates — sugar, flour, and easily digested starches like potatoes — that drive the excess insulin secretion that puts on fat. Per Taubes' title, it seems a calorie is not a calorie, and the fewer carbs you eat, the slinkier you will be. If this sounds like the Atkins Diet, that's because it basically is. As Taubes told me, "Doctors have been saying Atkins is a quack for so long, they never bothered to check whether he actually got the science right. Unfortunately, he did and they didn't."
I'll let your friends go on about how your boyfriend's a horrible person, and how love should transcend all. The reality is, it often doesn't. Besides, you didn't get cancer; you got a trough of Haagen-Dazs, stuck your snout in, and didn't look up for two years straight. Now, maybe your boyfriend's affection strike is utterly unconnected to your weight, but chances are, he's angry and resentful that he's got a girlfriend whose panties are beginning to resemble a parasail. So, why isn't he putting his arms through the leg slots and sailing off a tall building to safety? Maybe he still loves you; maybe he's too lazy to leave. Or, maybe he's trying to drive you away because he feels bad about breaking up over your looks — or even suggesting you step down as International Hausfrau of Pancakes: "Hey, Buffet Queen, either lose your 40 pounds or wave goodbye to my 175."
Since gaining 40 pounds isn't "Got a little absent-minded while holding a bag of Doritos," it seems it wasn't an empty stomach you were trying to fill. Clearly, you not only need to lose weight but to deal with why you packed it on. Whether your boyfriend will come around and whether you'll forgive him is anyone's guess. Whether you're willing to put up with a boyfriend who won't put out — not even a hug, without being asked — is the looming question at present. Whatever you decide, it helps to accept that, as a woman, you need to do the very best you can with what you have. Sure, inner beauty counts for a lot, but it isn't slimming. And while the average guy doesn't want Kate Moss, he isn't into Kate Moose, either.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle to Beat Some Manners into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2010 AMY ALKON
DIST. BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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51 Comments | Post Comment
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I like to read your column because you're witty and interesting. However, this time you've crossed the line between witty and cruel. I hope you'll pull back from this direction, so I can go on enjoying your writing. By the way, I'm not fat.
Comment: #1
Posted by:
Wed Mar 3, 2010 5:45 AM
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Did somebody pee into Amy's corn flakes the day she wrote this? I am with Anne W. - cruel and not remotely funny. And besides the point. Yes, gaining 40 lb in 2 years due to overeating is too much, but the LW is working on losing weight. Yes, male attraction is visual, but...if she had an accident and got a scar on her face, of if she got cancer and lost her hair, of if she got into an accident and lost a limb, would it be okay for the BF to withdraw affection as well? Because, hey, she LOOKS ugly now, right? I'd say, lady, lose your 40 lb off your back and sides and 170 lb or whatever in the form of the boyfriend.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Ariana
Wed Mar 3, 2010 6:46 AM
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I agree with Anne. You unfortunately have a tendency to confuse ridicule with humour and mean-spirited nastiness with helpful guidance. Unless you're just too modest to add that "M.D." title to your byline, you're not qualified to offer medical advice. Forty pounds in two years could be due to over-indulgence. It could also be any number of medical conditions that if overlooked can have much less pleasant repercussions than a boyfriend who won't put out. She needs to see her doctor, make sure she's healthy, and then follow her doctor's advice about the weight-loss program that is best suited to her. By the way, I'm not fat either, but I used to be. I lost 80 pounds six years ago and have kept it off.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Trish
Wed Mar 3, 2010 6:57 AM
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I have to agree with Anne W., Amy: you've crossed the line this time. You spent so much time focusing on "Fatty's" extra 40 pounds that you missed some far more important points.
First of all, a man who would withdraw affection simply because his partner is not as physically appealing as she used to be is immature. Very few of us hold on to our looks as time passes, but if looks were the only thing that held couples together, then the divorce rate would be even higher than it already is. If he no longer loves her because of the extra weight, then I submit that he never loved her in the first place, and she should move on.
Yes, adding 40 pounds in 2 years is a lot. While she admitted to getting lazy, etc., it still would be a good idea for her to consult a doctor, just to make sure she doesn't have a metabolic problem. She may also benefit from consulting with a mental health professional, to rule out depression.
Once disease has been ruled out, then diet and exercise should be addressed. Personally, I'm not a fan of the Atkins' Diet. I've kept 50 pounds off for the last 9 years by following the more balanced regimen prescribed by Weight Watchers. I believe your role as an advice columnist (and not a dietician) would be better served by suggesting all options and not just one.
Comment: #4
Posted by:
Wed Mar 3, 2010 7:28 AM
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I guess I am cruel too...and I will never understand why people have to have "hurt feelings" when someone points out a truth to them.
My weight has fluctuated up and down over the years. Obesity tends to run in my family. I gained about 40 pounds in an 18th month period with my last boyfriend...he stayed with me too, but I can't blame him for not being as attracted to me as he was when I was 40lbs lighter. When I was "advertising" - he didn't sign up for a skinney-with-potential-to-get-fat girlfriend...he wanted the skinney girlfriend he picked out.
Yes the letter writer is trying to lose weight, but no one can blame someone for only wanting what they thought they were getting...
Call me cruel...don't care. The truth doesn't hurt my feelings.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Molly B
Wed Mar 3, 2010 7:37 AM
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I too used to enjoy this column a lot more. my sympathies to LW who I feel did not get anything too informative or helpful in the response, and plenty of mean jabs. over and over again. like beating a dead horse.
While many guys may be affected by a 40lb gain - many would not. And quite a lot of guys will take sex where ever they can get it after a while - so I don't think it explains anything.
Also - was the LW a size 2 before the gain, or a 6 or an 18? That might make a difference.
My advise to LW is to continue to improve your health with diet and exercise, talk to the bf about the affection situation and ask him if it is weight related, if not - then what and if he can't put his finger on it maybe counseling. Best of luck.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Misty
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:31 AM
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Obesity is not cancer or the result of a tragic motor vehicle accident. It's always a choice. Even if you have hormone difficulties (metabolic problem) or take certain medications, it always comes down to calories in versus calories out (and for those of you ready to pounce, obesity is not water weight, obesity is fat). The Atkins diet is great for some people because it's very satisfying. Different diets work for different people because we all have different triggers that allow us to control our appetite. And let's think about what he's stuck by her through for at least half of their relationship: unemployment, depression and laziness, all the while she's packing it on, and it hasn't stopped yet. And yet he's still there and she's working herself into victim mode. Amy, your diet opinion is exactly your opinion, and that's what this is, an opinion column. Anyone surprised by that hasn't been paying attention. If he's not Prince Charming, well, as soon as any of us is the perfect mate, we can throw stones. He may very well be afraid that it's going to continue, leading him to a relationship with a someone who's moving toward ill health.
Comment: #7
Posted by: julia
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:35 AM
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Personally I don't think Amy is cruel. She's an "equal opportunity offender" meaning I think Amy pokes fun at everyone including herself to make a point with humor and sarcasm. As far as the LW goes. I agree with Amy. I know some people get tired of the "evolution of man" argument sometimes and I have no idea whether it's true or not but I think Amy's take on the male's perspective is usually spot on. Most men (not all) that's I have known or known of harbor the fear that the girlfried or wife will turn into a someone 40 lbs heavier. In most cases gaining so much weight isn't like a car accident and getting cancer. Most women (and men) have a daily choice in how they take care of themselves. If they choose to live unhealthy lives they will have unhealthy results. I'm not attracted to unhealthy and/or overweight women. Would I leave my wife if she gained 40 lbs? No. Not likely but I can't pretend that I'd be sexually attracted to her either. They way I see it….we are committed to only be with each other intimately presumably for life. I think we owe it to each other to stay healthy and fit. Not like like greek statues but reasonably healthy and reasonable close to our normal weight or the weight we were when we met. I get that most people in this country do gain weight over time. My wife and I have both gained a modest amount of weight over the years. Over a long period of time is so much different than 2 years and 40 lbs. I just can't blame the guy for losing interest but the LW can. If she's unhappy she should leave and find someone who doesn't mind if she puts on ANOTHER 40 lbs.
Comment: #8
Posted by: KJ
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:57 AM
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Re: julia
Well said....
Comment: #9
Posted by: KJ
Wed Mar 3, 2010 8:58 AM
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First let me say I love this column and I love Amy's style. She's not trying to be your friend, she's trying to put it all out there straight and she is funny as hell when she does it.
But let's look at this situation for what it is. She tells us that she has been unemployed for the two years she's been with this guy. If we can assume they are living together, that means this guy is footing the bill for EVERYTHING. Considering that fact, what is she bringin to the table? Laziness and 40 extra pounds? The guy might be holding back affection because of her weight, but it could very well be him beginning to resent the fact that she is sitting around at home contributing nothing while he works his butt off. The guy probably doesn't ask for a whole lot - we can assume that because she's been living off him for a while now and the LW never actually says that he has asked her to lose weight (that's the LW's assumption). Considering that he IS supporting her lazy lifestyle the guy obviously cares for her, but is probably annoyed with her at the same time.
I mean really, if she isn't working and contributing, would it really be too much to ask of a woman to at least TRY to stay attractive to her man? You guys are focusing too much about DIET. How about some exercise?? Nobody will be successful with weight loss without putting in some hours at the gym. Put down the bag of ships and start exercising regularly. I think most of us would KILL for some extra time during our day to get a little more exercise in our day.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Steve
Wed Mar 3, 2010 9:02 AM
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First let me say I love this column and I love Amy's style. She's not trying to be your friend, she's trying to put it all out there straight and she is funny as hell when she does it.
But let's look at this situation for what it is. She tells us that she has been unemployed for the two years she's been with this guy. If we can assume they are living together, that means this guy is footing the bill for EVERYTHING. Considering that fact, what is she bringin to the table? Laziness and 40 extra pounds? The guy might be holding back affection because of her weight, but it could very well be him beginning to resent the fact that she is sitting around at home contributing nothing while he works his butt off. The guy probably doesn't ask for a whole lot - we can assume that because she's been living off him for a while now and the LW never actually says that he has asked her to lose weight (that's the LW's assumption). Considering that he IS supporting her lazy lifestyle the guy obviously cares for her, but is probably annoyed with her at the same time.
I mean really, if she isn't working and contributing, would it really be too much to ask of a woman to at least TRY to stay attractive to her man? You guys are focusing too much about DIET. How about some exercise?? Nobody will be successful with weight loss without putting in some hours at the gym. Put down the bag of ships and start exercising regularly. I think most of us would KILL for some extra time during our day to get a little more exercise in our day.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Steve
Wed Mar 3, 2010 9:04 AM
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I had a boyfriend dump me after SIX YEARS together with this exact phrase "You know how you've been gaining weight lately? I don't find you attractive anymore and we should just break up."
So I blamed myself for YEARS, suffered from depression, and tried a lot of things to lose weight. I was never a big eater, but I also cut out ALL sweets, ALL fried foods (neither of which I ate more than occasionally already) and my two-can-a-day Pepsi (caffeine fix) consumption. And I kept gaining weight.
Eventually, when other symptoms began to appear, I couldn't keep blaming myself and went to a doctor. After almost a year, I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist who looked at me for two seconds and said "PCOS, here are your meds." I stopped gaining weight. And with careful calorie counting, I'm now down 45 pounds, with 35 to go. So for Amy to just say "Quit cramming food down your gob, fatty." is not only cruel and unnecessary, but not helpful and not right. I didn't get fat because I "got a trough of Haagen-Dazs, stuck [my] snout in, and didn't look up for two years straight". And I didn't solve it through blaming myself.
LW should get checked out by a doctor to make sure that there's no underlying reason and then follow a reasonable exercise and diet program that consists of a balanced diet, not Atkins. (Way to shill, Amy! What kind of kickbacks do you get for shaming your LWs into buying the quack's books?)
Comment: #12
Posted by: Sarah
Wed Mar 3, 2010 9:22 AM
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Re: Matt
Everything you wrote is wrong, but your confidence in doing so is impressive.
Comment: #13
Posted by: DaveG
Wed Mar 3, 2010 9:27 AM
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PCOS, etc. makes it difficult for people to keep their weight down, but it is still a matter of calories in/calories burned. You don't get fat from the air. The medication just puts things back in balance. It still amazes me that in all my years as a nurse, only 3 overweight patients have acknowledged that they eat too much and exercise too little.
Comment: #14
Posted by: julia
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:15 AM
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sorry fo rthe nultiple posts. This site is weird...
Comment: #15
Posted by: Steve
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:19 AM
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Re: DaveG----Who the hell is Matt?
Comment: #16
Posted by: Steve
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:23 AM
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Julia - I agree with you. My grandfather was excessively obese. They did discover he had a thyroid problem, but I personally saw how much food this man ate and his lack of exercise...or anything "active" really. So even though they put him on thyroid meds, he didn't change his diet and he pretty much remained obese until he passed away.
What is cruel is peoples inability to accept responsibilites for their own actions and understanding the consequences that come from those actions. OK, maybe it isn't cruel but it is pathetic. People simply need to "own" what they do, and when they can do that, they can do what they can to correct it and move on with their lives.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Molly B
Wed Mar 3, 2010 10:29 AM
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Amy gave good advice here even though the beginning is harsh the last paragraph makes up for it. She tells her to deal with why she gained weight. There is nothing in the letter that indicates the woman could have medical issues causing the weight gain. It is clear the woman is depressed. It is hard for others to love you when you do not love yourself, regardless of appearance. This woman needs to get outside help. Like the other commenter I would suggest Weight Watchers because it a lifestyle change and not a “diet.” They also give emotional support to understand your relationship to food.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Monica M
Wed Mar 3, 2010 11:13 AM
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Ouch!! I usually really like Amy's answers but geez, she could've been a little more tactful. Yes, 40 lbs is a lot to gain but slamming her like that was a little harsh.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Cheryl McAlice
Wed Mar 3, 2010 11:36 AM
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To the first LW, dump the jackwad now. No matter what else he doesn't love you, so dump him and move on.
I'm sure even with the extra weight you can find a better one, because that one isn't worth spit, much less tears.
Pack up and move along, unless the apartment is in your name, in that case pack him up and let him move.
Comment: #20
Posted by: moon
Wed Mar 3, 2010 11:51 AM
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Personally I loved the column & the response. Have you read Amy's column before? Why is anyone surprised? She's always a bit harsh & I think it's refreshing to have someone say what I'm thinking. Obesity is one of the biggest heath problems this country faces. If we all can't acknowledge that we are responsible for our own weight, how will this ever get fixed?
Comment: #21
Posted by: Nance
Wed Mar 3, 2010 12:30 PM
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if i had a boyfriend who was unemployed for 2 years, admittedly lazy, and gained 40lbs, i'd be annoyed. since it's likely that i'd be paying for all the dates, doing all the planning and relationship work, and well, they were less attractive...yeah...i wouldnt want to touch them either.
she's not writing to amy to ask how to be a better gf, get a job, have better self-esteem, be fit, etc. she's writing if she can...FORGIVE him for not being affectionate. more whining and still no work from this self-proclaimed lazy individual. what a prize!
Comment: #22
Posted by: sarah
Wed Mar 3, 2010 2:21 PM
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Gotta wonder how much Amy's being paid to promote some guy's crank diet and shame women into going on it.... /cynical.
And the title of her book - "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle to Beat Some Manners into Impolite Society" - strikes me as pretty bloody ironic.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Jack
Wed Mar 3, 2010 3:55 PM
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I'm going to have to disagree with the reflexive "He's a jerk. Leave him!" comments, and side with Amy. I'm assuming anyone who writes to her for advice has read her column before, and therefore should have an idea of what to expect in her answer. Otherwise there's always Dear Abby.
In this particular case, the writer doesn't seem to want to own what could possibly be her role in the affection drop. Yes, ideally the boyfriend would stand by her no matter what. But the changes she's gone through since they started dating is signficant. Between unemployment, considerable weight gain, self-professed laziness and low self esteem, the woman that first attratced him (physically and otherwise) has changed dramatically. She gets to become an entirely different person, but he's supposed to pretend nothing's changed? Sorry, not fair. And yes, I'd say the same thing if the roles were reversed.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Jon
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:20 PM
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Re: Mary
Not as physically appealing, unemployed, low self-esteem, and self proclaimed laziness. That's a lot different from "Oops. I've put on a few pounds!"
Comment: #25
Posted by: Jon
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:23 PM
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The Atkins diet doesn't work for everyone. I went on it when it first came out, followed it religiously, felt sick all the time, and lost a whopping 2 pounds in 2 weeks. Big woop. Amy doesn't mention the bad breath, constipation, and nauseated feeling you have all the time you're on it, plus when you're in a state of ketosis, which Atkins recommends, you're putting strain on your kidneys. I knew other people who went on Atkins and had to have their gall bladders removed from all the fatty food. When I went on a low-fat diet, I lost 12 pounds in two weeks and never felt bad at all. Now, I just avoid sugar, wheat, and dairy.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Wed Mar 3, 2010 4:51 PM
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Re: Jon -- Different how? These are the trials that people who are truly committed to each other must endure. This couple is not married. If the man's investment in the relationship solely depends on the woman's size, then she is better off looking elsewhere for a partner, because he is obviously not ready for a relationship with a flawed human. Of course, we only heard her abbreviated version of the story. Maybe her size has nothing to do with his cold shoulder; maybe he's just a cold fish to begin with. Anyway, she obviously has a problem that needs addressing; whether or not he is part of it is unclear. ("Which came first, the chicken or the egg?") Anyway, my beef with Amy -- and I am a fan, make no mistake -- is that she missed the mark this time. She did not address the possibility that the girl might need medical intervention, and she recommended a diet that is, at best, controversial.
Comment: #27
Posted by:
Thu Mar 4, 2010 8:45 AM
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Re: Jon -- Different how? These are the trials that people who are truly committed to each other must endure. This couple is not married. If the man's investment in the relationship solely depends on the woman's size, then she is better off looking elsewhere for a partner, because he is obviously not ready for a relationship with a flawed human. Of course, we only heard her abbreviated version of the story. Maybe her size has nothing to do with his cold shoulder; maybe he's just a cold fish to begin with. Anyway, she obviously has a problem that needs addressing; whether or not he is part of it is unclear. ("Which came first, the chicken or the egg?") Anyway, my beef with Amy -- and I am a fan, make no mistake -- is that she missed the mark this time. She did not address the possibility that the girl might need medical intervention, and she recommended a diet that is, at best, controversial.
Comment: #28
Posted by:
Thu Mar 4, 2010 8:46 AM
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Re: Sarah
Sarah - good fro you that you found the source of your problem and took care of it and yourself...however...I must point out that unlike you the LW hasn't done anything to deal with her weight gain issue. She admits to being lazy and unemployed. Who knows what her problem is? And though your ex sounds like a bit of a jerk at the end of the day you are probably better off that he left you. His true colors showed. Lastly...you yourself do not accept the increased weight gain so you are doing something about it. I don't blame the guy for wanting to move on....HOW he did it was pretty lame.
Comment: #29
Posted by: KJ
Fri Mar 5, 2010 8:54 AM
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Re: Mary
"If the man's investment in the relationship solely depends on the woman's size" Why do you simply boil this man's reaction down to this simple statement? Fact: 2 years she hasn't worked, has gained weight and in her own words was a lay about. Fact: For 2 years he hasn't cheated on her, apparently has supported her financially and has never asked to end the relationship. So....he's not affectionate anymore. She's not a healthy/attractive weight anymore. Based on your logic one could argue that "her sole investment in the relationship depends on the amount of affection a man gives". See how ridiculous that sounds? Not to mention completely unfair? There is obviously more to the story here than you or I will ever know but you needn't judge people just on their feelings alone. His actions of support speak volumes. He has a right to be unhappy with her just like she has the right to be unhappy with him. The question is...what are they gonna do about it?
Comment: #30
Posted by: KJ
Fri Mar 5, 2010 9:05 AM
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TO THOSE OF YOU THAT DID NOT PAY ATTENTION--AMY DID THE RESEARCH AND TOLD FATTY AND THE REST OF THE READERS WHERE TO FIND IT. FATTY WANTED SANCTION VIA AMY THAT BOYFRIEND SHOULD LOVE HER FAT OR FIT. BOYFRIEND JOINED HER WHEN SHE WAS OF BETTER SHAPE. THE QUESTION SHE ASKED IS SHOULDN'T HE LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS. BUT WHO SHE IS NOW IS NOT THE WHO THAT SHE WAS AT THE TIME THEY BECAME A COUPLE. SHE IS NOT HAPPY WITH HERSELF, WHY SHOULD HE BE HAPPY WITH HER. CAN SHE FORGIVE HIM FOR WHAT HE HAS NOT GIVEN HER? PLEASE, !! CAN HE FORGIVE HER FOR ALL THE EXTRA SHE HAS PROVIDED FOR HIS VISUAL AND TACTILE PLEASURES. I DONT EVER REMEMBER WANTING TO DANCE WITH, OR HUG A COW. SEX IS NOT EVEN ON THE TABLE -- BESIDES SEX ON THE TABLE WITH THE EXTRA 40 POUNDS MAY SEND IT CRASHING TO THE FLOOR IN THE THROES OF PASSION. AMY WAS NOT CRUEL IN HER ANSWER--JUST EXPRESSED WHAT FATTY DID NOT WANT TO HEAR--TRUTH. FATTY HAS TWO CHOICES; LOSE THE WAIT OR MOVE ON OR BOTH. SHE HAS WHAT IS KNOW AS ELBOW FLEXION DISEASE. SHE TOO OFTEN BENDS IT TO FEED HERSELF. WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HER? FILLING HER PIE HOLE OR HAVING HER BOYFRIEND FILL HER??
Comment: #31
Posted by: JAIMROSE
Sat Mar 6, 2010 10:47 AM
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I guess Amy had to waste 5 paragraphs being cruel to the LW, and saving what few tidbits of good advice she did have thill the very end.
In my opinion, the LW needs to do 3 things: find something to do. If she can't find a job, she should be volunteering, taking classes, finding a hobby she's passionate about, something besides sitting on the couch eating.
That should raise her self esteem. She should also get checked for medical problems, including depression. Then, she and boyfriend should sit down and have an honest discussion about this issue. If his coldness towards her is really due to her weight gain, he should be man enough to be honest about it, and she should be mature enough to decide what sort of treatment she will accept from an SO.
I also wonder what boyfriend is doing to help the LW? Does he eat healthy and go to the gym? Does he lovingly encourage her to do the same? Or is he also a junk food eating couch potato who expects her to eat the same as he does, yet stay slim without support?
Comment: #32
Posted by: Mopdolly
Sat Mar 6, 2010 3:40 PM
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Really? I was a size 10 my wedding day 29 years ago. My husband had gorgeous long flowing hair. I'm no longer a size 10 and he's bald! We still love and respect each other. "Fatty" should analyze her relationship with the loveless bf. We all go through dry spells but cuddling should always remain in tact. Perhaps he isn't the guy for her and part of her feeding her misery might just be related to her relationship and his inability to be supportive. Go ahead and try Adkins if you don't mind having a BM again or perhaps see a nutritionist at the advice of your medical doctor. They can help you shed that 40 pounds...but maybe you need to shed that 180 pounds first! Good luck and shame on you, Amy!
Comment: #33
Posted by: janet
Sun Mar 7, 2010 7:11 AM
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Wow! Are some of you commenters serious?! The reason why we all like Amy Alkon is because she's not afraid to speak her mind and tell the ugly truth. The truth we all need to hear but our "support group" friends don't wanna say because it'll hurt our feelings. People: please stop comparing weight gain to cancer and tragic car accidents! Those are uncontrollable and irreversible! Weight gain can be prevented and reversed! Amy got it right with her comparison. It is like a woman being with a man for having a good stable job and leaving it to volunteer with the Peace Corp. So, yes, I too think Amy can be a little mean but she is only being honest and this time, she had to be upfront and forward with this woman, because she is clearly living in Disney World where the handsome prince loves the poor maid, even if she becomes fat and ugly, as long as her foot always fits in the glass slipper.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Nurse Amalia
Sun Mar 7, 2010 11:07 AM
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@ Janet - "We all go through dry spells but cuddling should always remain in tact." Are you serious? You're telling us that men and women in long term relationships can drop sex, gain weight, lay around the house unemployed and depressed....but CUDDLING needs to stay intact? Why is cuddling more important than any of the dozen or so major aspects of a relationshiop? Financial responsibility and stability, security, trust, love, sex, romance, children, community, church, FUN, intellectual stimulation, physical contact and of course intimacy? Why are you "Amy haters" bashing on the BF and calling him "loveless"? What exactly has he done wrong other than express if disinterest in intimate sex and affectino with her? Do you miss everything she's done and admits to?
I agree with the Nurse. If you read Amy's column...enough to write to her then you are aware of her style. She doesn't hold hands and wipe tears. Cold water in the face and her shouting WAKE UP. Not too mention a heavy dose of personal accountability. Cruel is not the word to describe Amy's response. Snarky? Maybe. Go to your best friends or therapist if you want someone to coddle you.
Comment: #35
Posted by: KJ
Mon Mar 8, 2010 11:36 AM
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When I married my wife, she looked like a model. Now, almost 31 years later, she's casting a shadow that could include her former self, plus two avatars of her former self. Admittedly, in our earliest years, I included her in my herbological vagaries, and the proverbial munchies have taken their toll on us both.
Yes, the physical presentation of her former self played a role--not insignificant--in my dragging her to the altar. (She was not impressed with my assertion that the O'Neill's concept of Open Marriage was the way we should go.) But in short order...say ten years...our physiques had already suffered the pangs of outrageous fortune...and we were VOILA! overweight...overnight. Or so it seemed.
Now, I am 65 and she some few years my junior. Our lovemaking may have gone the way of all flesh. But the love we share is as great or greater than all the love stories you can drum up...notwithstanding the glub glub loss manifested in Titanic...or God help us what may affront us tonight with Jason and Molly...or Sartre and de Beauvoir...the list is endless. Love becomes...or has become blind. We remain wholly...utterly...completely...in love. And giving her a hug fills my world with joy.
Comment: #36
Posted by: DenverBrian
Mon Mar 8, 2010 4:09 PM
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Re: DenverBrian
I congratulate you on the love you share with your wife...it is rare and to be treasured. However, it is the exception to the rule. I can not, however, expect a man to get one thing and two years later be content with something entirely different. I can not speak for everyone...but it is my experience that not working, being lazy, and gaining much weight is not good for my physical health, and especially my mental health. Needless to say...the combinded would make me, probably, not a very cool person to be around. However, when I am active, working, and well, hitting the gym...my body is not the only thing sound...my mind is as well. If I could lie around and be lazy and put on weight and still be a pleasant person to be around welll then my life would be grand. Unfortunately, that is not the case...my physical health is directly tied to my mental health and for one to be good, the other must be as well. I spent over a year in Iraq with nothing but men and I have to say, again, YOU DenverBrian, are the exception because these boys all agree...although they don't require a super model to spend the rest of their lives with, they would expect her to maintain a similarity to what she was to begin with and also, to maintan a similarity to the physical changes they, themselves, would experience.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Molly B
Mon Mar 8, 2010 6:52 PM
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Well, if he goes bald she can withdraw affection from him, too. Or is that different? How about if he gets impotent as he ages? Or if he ages at all?
From the articles we see in magazines like "People", you would think it was a major crime for a woman to gain weight. Lock her up and throw away the key! But for men, it's no big deal.
Ever notice how The Beast loved Belle for her bueaty, but she was supposed to love him despite his appearance? Double standard much?
Comment: #38
Posted by: Mary
Tue Mar 9, 2010 6:58 AM
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I generally don't read this column because Amy seems to put a lot more work into being sarcastic and snarky, oops, I mean "witty", than she does into giving any actual advice.
How ironic that I once read an article where she complained about people being rude!
Comment: #39
Posted by: Mary
Tue Mar 9, 2010 7:00 AM
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Re: Mary Going bald and impotentency are not things that a person has direct control over. Nor are accidents and cancer. Weight is something a person can control. Although there are some issues that cause weight gain, as another person said...it still ultimately boils down to calories in and calories out. I am not saying that when a person experiences things beyond their control that their partner should bag a$$ on them, but becoming lazy and fat are choices that person made (weather it had to do with depression or any other health reason, she still chose to not do anything about it). When choices are made, people have to live with the consequences. In this case, his lack of affection. Why is it so hard for eveyrone to accept responsibility for THEIR actions. It isn't a double standard, at least not for me. I maintain a reasonably healthy lifestyle and expect the same of my boyfriend. A double standard, much, would be that I expect him to remain fit and then sit around and get fat myself...OR...that I would expect him to remain fit and then dump him regardless and then turn around a date someone who isn't. IF that were the issue...I can say with certainity, if my guy put on 40lbs and did nothing about it while I continued to work at being healthy, I wouldn't find him as attractive. I can also say with certainity, that if the tables were turned, he wouldn't find me attractive anymore either. If I had an accident and broke both my legs and put on weight for lack of mobility...he would stand by my side as I would him...but to just let myself go (for WHATEVER reason) is not acceptable. It isn't acceptable to me and it isn't acceptable to him. This has been communicated and understood and it is no big secret. I know that it is ALL of me that he finds attractive...what is inside AND what is outside.
I don't care if a person is big...if she is big and confident then she is attractive. The LW here is obviously not confident and comfortable with herself or she wouldn't be questioning the lack of affection from her man. My point is, if a person does not feel confident and sexy to THEMSELVES, how can they expect anyone else to find them confident and sexy? If you make a choice to let yourself go (that means all of it...weight, lazy, unemployed) and can not obviously feel good about it, the consequence is other people aren't going to feel good about it either.
Some people here imply it is so easy to point fingers just to be cruel and nasty. What I see, is a bunch of people making excuses and not owning the consequences of their own actions. I find making excuses is much more easier than accepting responsibility for my actions. It isn't rocket science.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Molly B
Tue Mar 9, 2010 8:39 AM
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I think the article was great. If you want the truth, i would not be attracted to my girlfried if she gained 40 lbs and didn't have a job for 2 years. If i were to guess, this girl has her boyfriend on guilt trip and he's playing the martyr. He should just break up with her and let her stand without him as a crutch. In the end it would be better for both of them. This relationship seems toxic.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Justin
Tue Mar 9, 2010 12:31 PM
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Re: DenverBrian -- You get it! Too bad not everybody else does. Congratulations.
Comment: #42
Posted by:
Tue Mar 9, 2010 12:43 PM
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I can not believe waht i just read. Are you freaking kidding me! You are saying this women is responsible for the problem. Let me tell you I know how she feels. When I met my husband he was overweight. I loved him anyway. I was a skinny little thing back then and he showered me with affection. We are married and have a child together and have four others in our combined family. I was still slim after having our little girl. He was all over me all the time. He lost weight and things were good but only because he was healthier not because of how he looked. Well then my husband got cancer, subsequesntly had a stroke and in the last few months had a brain bleed that could have been deadly. I, on the other hand, gained a bit of weight. From indulgence-NO. It was from medication I was taking to control my anxiety and insomnia. Who would have thought! I am trying my best to lose weight but quite frankly my husband does not care. I realize men are visual and all of that which is why i have been trying to get back into shape. Does it make a differnce? NO. He does nothing, is very depressed. He comes home and looks at the TV, sleeps or is working on the computer. How dare you blame this poor women. I have always loved my husband-whether cancer striken, skinny or overweight as he is now. I only want to be held, comforted when needed and told i love you from time to time. Shame on you for bashing this women.
Comment: #43
Posted by: D
Tue Mar 9, 2010 7:39 PM
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Wow, great advice! Shame works so well for weight loss. She'll cry the weight off in no time!
This advice columnist is in the wrong business.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Rumblelizard
Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:11 AM
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I think the advice you gave is possibly the worst advice I have ever read by an 'advice columnist'. Do you get paid to write this hateful pap? Will you take this advice when you inevitably become old and saggy with bifocals? Maybe you will commit sepukku when you become too ugly for your own good.
To the poor girl who you so poorly served, please ignore this idiot and talk to your partner.
Comment: #45
Posted by: Popcorn
Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:32 AM
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Well said Popcorn!
Comment: #46
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:55 AM
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I think she's Tom Leykis incognito.
Comment: #47
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Mar 11, 2010 11:56 AM
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( I tried posting this at http://www.rcreader.com/liftestyle/advice-goddess-march-11-2010/ but - for some inexplicable reason - the post has failed to appear.)
>in the real world, you don't spot somebody at party and want to rip their clothes off because they look like the type to sweep an old lady's walk or read to the blind.
In the real world, spotting you at a party and wanting to rip your clothes off is a weak basis for a relationship. Even if you don't grow fat you will grow old, so if the relationship has nothing to going for it but lust you're pretty much screwed in any case.
And there's a certain irony, you punchinello-faced smarmy hag, in spending six paragraphs making unfunny fat jokes when someone asks you for help (not to mention, hilariously, plugging the Atkins "lard'n'bacon" diet) and then plugging your whiny screed about how impolite everyone else is.
You're a truly ugly person, Alkon, and not merely because you have a chin that could double as an aircraft carrier. Even if you don't want to bone someone ugly or deformed, they can still be sweet and lovable if they're a nice person inside. Ugliness like yours, on the other hand, the kind that comes from inside, the kind that wants to remove the speck from everyone else's eye before removing the branch from your own... Well, that kind of ugliness is always repulsive.
Comment: #48
Posted by: Rapewaffle
Fri Mar 12, 2010 5:41 AM
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( I tried posting this at http://www.rcreader.com/liftestyle/advice-goddess-march-11-2010/ but - for some inexplicable reason - the post has failed to appear.)
>in the real world, you don't spot somebody at party and want to rip their clothes off because they look like the type to sweep an old lady's walk or read to the blind.
In the real world, spotting you at a party and wanting to rip your clothes off is a weak basis for a relationship. Even if you don't grow fat you will grow old, so if the relationship has nothing to going for it but lust you're pretty much screwed in any case.
And there's a certain irony, you punchinello-faced smarmy hag, in spending six paragraphs making unfunny fat jokes when someone asks you for help (not to mention, hilariously, plugging the Atkins "lard'n'bacon" diet) and then plugging your whiny screed about how impolite everyone else is.
You're a truly ugly person, Alkon, and not merely because you have a chin that could double as an aircraft carrier. Even if you don't want to bone someone ugly or deformed, they can still be sweet and lovable if they're a nice person inside. Ugliness like yours, on the other hand, the kind that comes from inside, the kind that wants to remove the speck from everyone else's eye before removing the branch from your own... Well, that kind of ugliness is always repulsive.
Comment: #49
Posted by: Rapewaffle
Fri Mar 12, 2010 5:41 AM
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I doubt that size is the only thing about her that he finds unappealing. She herself said that she lost her job, gotten lazy, blah, blah, blah. I suspect she rolls out of bed midmorning and heads straight to the couch, where she spends the day with a monster bag of doritos watching Judge Judy and the soaps.
He comes home after working all day to an unshowered blob in her stained jammies who hasn't seen a comb or a toothbrush in days and has nothing more interesting to talk about than which character is back from the dead...again. And you are all offended that he isn't drooling at the thought of gettin' him some of that? Ha!
Comment: #50
Posted by: Shirley
Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:42 AM
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i like her spunk to call herself fatty with a dream. her questions, is it normal for a man to withdraw all his affection, and, if i lose the weight and he regains interest can i ever forgive him what he's put me thru? lead me to think that though it's perhaps fairly normal for a man to withdraw his affection it seems like his withdraw is too severe to be normal, at least if its a relationship which is due to "go anywhere". he won't even hug her unless she asks? he's gone. or, if not gone, he's certainly in over his head, not ready for partnering her. if she slims down and he regains interest can she ever forgive him what he put her through? sure, but don't mistake him for the guy ready to be your partner. put some distance between you. eventually you'll see he did probably the best he could. why hold a grudge forever? it will drain your energy. forgive him while moving on. but do move on. why stay a "partner" with someone so unable/ unwilling to offer you emotional support? learn how to be more actively nice to yourself. it IS learn-able. be patient with your self, but get moving now, away from this dead end relationship. being alone isn't so bad!
Comment: #51
Posted by: peter
Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:15 PM
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