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The Math To True Love
You need to tell men to never be the first to say those "three little words." A woman will tell you she's ready to hear them by telling you first. It seems the dating gurus agree: When a man says "I love you" first, he throws the attraction physics all off because he lowers his value in the woman's subconscious. — Concerned Guy
When you're looking into a woman's eyes and there's that awkward moment of silence, there are plenty of things you can say besides "I love you" — like, "I was going to say something, but now I'm not" or "Have I told you I've started drinking the blood of freshly killed unicorns?"
It is wise to avoid spewing mush all over a woman on, say, the third date. The premature "I love you" tends to translate as "I really don't know you, beyond how you like your steak, but I love any woman who doesn't block my calls or spot me coming down the sidewalk and duck into a real estate office and beg them to hide her." Of course, what really lowers a man's "value in the woman's subconscious" is being someone who needs a "dating guru" to help him be calculating; he can't just be. Women value men who don't seem to be living by others' dictates — men who are spontaneous and fun and don't have a faraway look in their eyes because they're trying to recall something they heard on some dating webinar.
Now, a lot of men have childhoods that don't exactly lead them to walk the planet feeling like they own the place. So, it's understandable if you began your dating life as a wimpy, approval-seeking suckup, but if you continue along those lines, you're a lazy, wimpy, approval-seeking suckup. Having value in a woman's eyes takes having value in your own, which takes doing the work to develop self-respect instead of just fencing off that huge sinkhole in your self so no squirrels or neighborhood dogs fall in.
Once you have self-respect, it'll seem ridiculous to pull out some dating calculus book to figure out what to say to a woman and when. The right words will just flow at the right time out of genuine feeling that's developed between you. Sure, there's always that chance that some woman who seemed into you will have an attack of the commitment heebies or decide that she doesn't feel the same way. If you're more of a man's man than a worm's worm, this won't be a statement on your worth. It's just a sign that you need to look for a woman who wants you as much as you want her. If you're secure, chances are you'll eventually find a partner who won't want to leave you — and not just because you always open the door for her when she gets that look in her eye that says, "I can't wait one more moment to pee on the neighbors' rosebushes."
Overthinking Of You
My fiance and I split up three months ago. Our relationship was serious and lovely, but we just weren't feeling it anymore. We are friendly and communicate frequently but avoid awkward topics — like dating other people. We're in the same industry, and I would hate for someone to snap a picture of me and a date and put it on Facebook for him to stumble on. Wouldn't it be better if he learned I'm seeing somebody else from me, and vice versa? — Tiptoeing Forward
Can't you just let him get his information about you the old-fashioned way, by sneaking over with a tall ladder and peering through your blinds? Dating other people after ending an engagement is an awkward topic — which seems the perfect reason to continue to avoid discussing it with your now ex-fiance. But say somebody does snap a picture of you and a date and toss it up on Facebook. Unless your ex has only 12 Facebook friends or he's monitoring Facebook like a bald eagle hovering over a prairie rat, he might miss the photo. And even if he does see it, assuming it doesn't involve tongue, who's to say whether it's you and your next candidate for fiance or you and some guy who dropped by your office? Although you two "weren't feeling it anymore" and it's natural that you'd both be looking to feel it with other people, once you've loved somebody, you probably can't help but feel a little pang at the thought of them blithely falling into the arms of somebody else. So, maybe consider ambiguity a gift — one that lets you believe the deadening silence between you is the sound of him in his garage building a drone camera to spy on your every move.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2013 AMY ALKON
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio! "Nerd your way to a better life," with the best brains in science solving your love, dating, sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. The call-in number during the show is 347-326-9761. This week, Dr. Sian Beilock on how not to choke under pressure.
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2013/03/11/dr-sian-bielock-how-not-to-choke-under-pressure 
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8 Comments | Post Comment
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@ LW2: Two things. One, there IS no un-awkward way for you to tell him you're dating someone. My ex found out that I was dating someone when he came to my house to pick up the kids and, as a result of a scheduling conflict, saw the guy walking up my driveway. (I then got yelled at by one of the kids for making Dad feel bad.) On an awkwardness scale of 1 to 10, that's a solid twelve. And it was still less awkward than it would have been if I'd told him out of the blue, "oh by the way, I now have a boyfriend". Two, since it's only been three months since the breakup, I would assume you're going to spend the next year or so in the "actively dating" stage, meaning you may end up dating a lot of people over the course of one year, rather than going from one LTR immediately into the next. Do you plan on giving your ex-fiance an update each time you start seeing a different guy? I'll bet good money that he doesn't want to know. Bottom line, I think your current strategy of never bringing up the subject of dating other people is a good one.
@ LW1: there are many ways for a man to lower his value in the woman's subconscious, but, as far as I'm aware, saying "I love you", and meaning it, isn't one of them. (Except when, to Amy's point, you say it before you two are actually in a relationship - then it's just creepy.)
Comment: #1
Posted by: Goldie
Tue Mar 26, 2013 8:40 AM
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LW1 -- Well, I guess I'm happy to know that my gender doesn't have a monopoly on believing in stupid rules and playing stupid games when it comes to relationships. And I have to say, I'm pleasantly surprised that Amy, who is fond of evolutionary psychology, didn't cite some evo-psych theory about why a guy should or shouldn't say it first.
LW2 -- I agree with both Goldie and Amy, who have both basically advised you to just continue not bringing up the subject and don't worry too much about whether/how he finds out when/if you start dating again. But I will also say that Amy is approaching the social media aspect of your question from a point of view common to people my age and older (I'm 42 -- I'm guessing Amy is closer to my age than what I'm guessing to be yours -- late 20s/early 30s). I volunteer as an advisor to a collegiate women's group at a nearby university. I'm the one they have to see when they're caught drinking underage or doing anything else that might get them into trouble. Nine times out of 10, they'd get away with this stuff without my ever finding about it if they (or their friends) weren't stupid enough to post incriminating photos of themselves on Facebook. While I have a Facebook account, I barely spend any time on it. I don't have to the students forward this stuff to me. Most recently, I received a screenscrape of an Instagram post that was time stamped as having been posted just 8 minutes prior to its being forwarded to me. Eight minutes. That's all it took. It was up on that social media site for a whopping eight minutes before it was forwarded along to me. So, the premise that your ex would only see a photo or other evidence of you being on a date on Facebook if he was actively stalking your Facebook page and all posts related to you, is, shall we say, dated. He could, in fact, be basically ignoring your page or at least never actively going to your page, and some well-meaning friend (or not-so-well-meaning frenemy) could forward that post to him, even if you're not the one who posted it. So, your concern that he could find out via social media is a valid concern. It's just that I still agree with Goldie and Amy that you're over-thinking this.
As an aside -- just how much contact you have with your ex? Is it just the "we move in the same professional and social circles, so we are often at the same events and/or hear about each other from other people a lot?" Or are you actively trying to remain friends with him -- calling him or taking calls from him just to "see how you're doing?" I ask because there's definitely a difference between being "friendly" and being "friends." If you ARE trying to be friends, for as much as being able to remain friends with your ex is considered by many to be a sign of maturity, I would suggest you rethink that. It can often be more painful for one or both parties to "hang on" to the friendship. Given the level of overthinking going on, that could be the case here. If, however, it's simply an issue of you having a lot of friends/acquaintances/professional colleagues in common, and you're merely being "friendly" as opposed to trying to be friends, then just stop worrying about it, and as much as possible, try to minimize all this "running into" each other (not always easy, I realize).
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Mar 26, 2013 1:02 PM
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LW1 -
Don't say "I love you" on the second or third date. (You can't love someone you don't know - you're just horny, needy or both)
Don't say "I love you" every three minutes. (That's uber-needy, as in, desperate)
Don't say "I love you" to more than one woman at a time. (That one should be obvious - if it isn't, you've got a problem)
Those aren't "rules", btw - this is common sense. Or it should be. I keep forgetting common sense isn't so common.
As for the rest, one word: overthinking.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:13 PM
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I love Amy's column, but LW1 is right. I can say this with confidence after listening to literally thousands of clients talk about their lives and feelings, during my days as a therapist.
As much as I like and admire Amy, I think that she may have a blind spot in this regard.
Men like "the chase" and so do women. For men, the chase has more of a sexual payoff. A woman who offers sex without being pursued, is regarded as too easy, a slut, good for a night but not for long term.
We tend to vilify men for this, but women do something very similar. But the reward for women is an emotional payoff, i.e., breaking down a man who appears distant and unavailable, getting him to "realize" that he loves you. A man who's too emotionally easy, and tells a woman early on that he cares about her, is regarded with suspicion. She will either suspect him of being weak, or lying to her.
So both men and women like conquests better than something handed to them without any work.
Comment: #4
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:21 PM
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I love Amy's column, but LW1 is right. I can say this with confidence after listening to literally thousands of clients talk about their lives and feelings, during my days as a therapist.
As much as I like and admire Amy, I think that she may have a blind spot in this regard.
Men like "the chase" and so do women. For men, the chase has more of a sexual payoff. A woman who offers sex without being pursued, is regarded as too easy, a slut, good for a night but not for long term.
We tend to vilify men for this, but women do something very similar. But the reward for women is an emotional payoff, i.e., breaking down a man who appears distant and unavailable, getting him to "realize" that he loves you. A man who's too emotionally easy, and tells a woman early on that he cares about her, is regarded with suspicion. She will either suspect him of being weak, or lying to her.
So both men and women like conquests better than something handed to them without any work.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sarah morrow
Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:22 PM
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LW1: Women are not only human they are individuals - generalizing a whole gender is stupid, lazy, and cowardly.
LW2: You're obviously not over the relationship.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Diana
Tue Mar 26, 2013 8:26 PM
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@sarah morrow -- I know that growing up, I was taught that the best things are worth the extra effort it takes to get them, and that it is far more satisfying to work towards something than to just have it handed to you. In other words, if it's something you have to work for, it's an accomplishment to be proud of, whereas if it's just handed to you, it's a nice gift to enjoy, but not something you "achieved." That goes hand-in-hand with what you are saying, though I would never have thought of it as preferring a "conquest" -- and of course I was thinking of "things" or "accomplishments" as opposed to people.
But just a thought on what you have culled from your experience as a therapist: perhaps part of the problem here is that naturally, as a therapist, you're hearing from people who are troubled in some fashion, right? I mean, someone who is emotionally healthy isn't likely to seek therapy, right? So, all these people who talked with you about their lives and feelings -- they didn't land in your office because they were happy and healthy. They were there because something was wrong that they needed professional help to fix. I'm not sure I would base all of human nature on people who needed therapy.
I've only been in love with two men. The first one, I was the one who said "I love you" first. I think I said the "L" word after about two or three months into the relationship (and we'd known each other for a year prior to getting involved in an romantic relationship), and yes, he immediately reciprocated, and we were together for about three years. I don't believe he valued me any less, and I didn't feel as if I'd given up my "power" in the relationship by saying it first. I suppose you could say it was a risk (I didn't know for sure he would be ready to say it back, and that would have hurt) that paid off (because he did say it back). The second one is the man I have now been happily married to for almost 20 years. In that case, he said "I love you" first. I can attest that I didn't value him any less for it -- and obviously it didn't send me packing, since we're still together nearly 20 years later. I'm not suggesting that I am the most emotionally healthy person on the face of the earth, but I am suggesting that a man who is only about the chase isn't entirely emotionally healthy, and the woman who devalues a man for saying "I love you" first or who only wants to "break down emotionally distant/unavailable men" isn't entirely emotionally healthy , either. I believe both "types" may well be fairly common -- but that doesn't mean that's just the way men and women are.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lisa
Wed Mar 27, 2013 7:04 AM
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A man who's too emotionally easy, and tells a woman early on that he cares about her, is regarded with suspicion. She will either suspect him of being weak, or lying to her.
***********
Um, SO disagree, sarah morrow.
A person, male or female, who tells a woman "I love you" early on is someone to be regarded with suspicion NOT because he or she is "weak" or "lying" -- but because that person has a tendency to get carried away by emotion in the moment or has an understanding of the word "love" that is far different from mine. While it's the MO of a future abuser, I think that's just the flip side of the coin -- that this is a person who is led more by emotions, whether it's declaring love after only 2 days or shooting his wife in a rage because he believes she has been cheating.
That's not "weak" but it is immature and emotionally needy. Lord knows men, too, run (and rightfully so) from women who move too fast, as demonstrated by Kate Hudson in the early part of the film, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days."
Comment: #8
Posted by: hedge
Fri Mar 29, 2013 5:44 AM
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