The Advice Goddess by Amy Alkon

As of 6:15 a.m. EDT on 8/11/10, there doesn't appear to be a response to "Social Butterfly"'s question. Funny - I've never known Amy to be left completely speechless before!

Hey, Creators.com webmaster! Where's Amy's answer??? Or is it Readers' Choice day, where it's up to us to offer the advice?

We can give it a go until the webmaster gets the rest of the column up. Come on everybody, in true Amy style!
Sure social butterfly, you can drag your boyfriend to every soiree in town, but what you would have is a captive who thinks a great evening is locking himself in to a space capsule with a book. You can try to change someone only so much, really, REALLY!!

If you're going to sub for Amy, don't forget to insult the writer at least four times and make up a lot of stupid far-fetched similes for what's going on. I'm just sayin'.

Dear Amy, my girlfriend is something of a party girl and even though she knows I'm an introvert who's not into the social scene, she insists on dragging me around to parties and introducing me to people I really don't want to meet. (I did meet a nice dog once, though) I think if she'd just make more of an effort to understand that WE'RE DIFFERENT, she might get off my back and enjoy going to these shindigs alone. I know I'd enjoy it if she went alone. Is there any way of getting through to her? P.S. Please don't insult me.

Here's the answer and following Q/A, I found it on another website (where I probably start going since I'm getting sick of Creator's incompetence).

ANSWER: It's a party! You're in your element, making the rounds, meeting tons of new people, racking up invites to parties after the party, and your boyfriend's, well, probably in that little crawl space under the host's stairs.

Sartre once said, "Hell is other people at breakfast." An introvert sees no reason to narrow it down to a particular time of day. My own introvert boyfriend is charming and fun one on one, but his favorite kind of party is one that's canceled, and his preferred RSVP would be something Ving Rhames said on the set of "Out of Sight": "I don't want to talk to anybody I don't already know."

Ever since Freud decided (sans evidence) that introverts were repressed, narcissistic trolls under the bridge, extraversion has been considered the ideal and introverts have been seen as socially stunted. Introversion is also wrongly conflated with shyness, but shyness is fear - and shame-based - quite different from seeing no reason to say anything to strangers unless you or they are on fire.

More and more, research points to a strong biological basis for personality. Brain imaging shows distinct differences in introverts and extraverts. Studies by neuroscientist Debra L. Johnson and others found that extraverts, who get energized from external stimulation like meeting new people, have increased blood flow to rear areas of the brain for sensory processing (like listening, touching, watching). Introverts, who tend to be more pensive and introspective, and are easily overwhelmed by too much external stimulation, showed more blood flow altogether (indicating more internal stimulation), over more complicated pathways, with more activity in frontal regions for inward tasks like problem-solving, reasoning, and remembering. Put that together with a Chinese study adding evidence that introverts get socked with a higher level of cortical arousal from stimuli, and you get the idea that urging introverts to be more outgoing is a bit like urging scissors to be more like a stapler.

So, can it work between you and a boyfriend who probably researches the host's wallpaper so he can dress to blend into the background? Well, maybe - if you're independent enough to show up to most events without him as Your DateTM. There will, of course, be times when it means something to you to have him there, and the compromise then is his to make. Be sensitive to his feelings, try to get there early (when the houseplant-to-guest ratio is greatest), and be okay with him eventually slinking off to read "The Life History of the Dung Beetle" or talking to the dog (who's sometimes the most interesting person at the party).
Toon deaf

QUESTION: Is there any way, for a man out on a date with a woman, to utter the phrase "Whoopsie daisy" and not see a Road Runner cloud where she was just sitting? - Just Curious

ANSWER: Just wondering ... under what circumstances would a man (you?), on a date with a woman, be compelled to utter the phrase "Whoopsie daisy"? Dropped your knitting? Or, was it your Hello Kitty wallet and matching compact?

There are some women who like to date girlier types, and they're called lesbians. Otherwise, unless you're joking, and your date shares your sense of humor, you probably will see a cartoon puff of smoke in her wake if you talk like her elderly aunt. You don't have to grunt and adjust yourself every two minutes, but if you're looking for a conversational role model, lean more toward Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry than Kurt Hummel in Glee.

People on dates often blurt out dumb stuff because they're nervous and sitting across from somebody and have nothing on their mind but "I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY!" You can avoid this if you plan dates that have you going places, seeing sights, and showing off your keen powers of observation by pointing out things of interest; for example, "Wow, look at that man running away with your pocketbook."

Guess they got it fixed. I must say, this was a well-researched response from Amy. I've got to agree, people see introversion as a bad thing. Personally, I see extreme extroversion as being so simple-minded, you can be stimulated by talking to anyone about anything (just my interpretation). Most other people bore the crap out of me, I don't want to hear about my wife's work, much less that of someone I don't know. I remember being accused of having ADD as a child because I never listened to people. My response was that they were just too boring to listen to (yes, I was/am quite an ass sometimes).

Point is, this guy obviously doesn't like parties, maybe the LW should just get off his back a little. Has she tried doing any of the things he enjoys?

I need to thank Amy for pointing out some facts about introverts. I am an introvert, and people around me, including family, friends and coworks, constantlyl urge me to be more outgoing, which can literally take my energy (and sometimes sanity) away. Really, what is wrong with not wanting to socialize more? It's not like I cannot function without blabbering! I'm at a point where I want to scream "is there no place on earth for introverts?" and here's Amy speaking for people like me. Thanks, Amy!

I am also an introvert and really appreciated Amy's response here. It always seems that I am the only one in my social circle and that the people around me just don't understand. I generally don't enjoy parties, and if I go, I don't like to stay late and I don't like staying over at other people's houses after parties either. Sometimes it's hard for others to understand this - it's great reading all of the other responses too. I'm not alone!
I didn't appreciate this comment of Amy's in the second letter: "there are some women who like to date girlier types, and they're called lesbians". I think both women and men come with varying degrees of masculinity and femininity. I am a woman and personally I prefer both men and women that fall somewhere closer to the middle. I generally don't like uber masculine men and I also have nothing in common with uber feminine women. Why is it a bad thing to be a woman with a masculine side or a man with a feminine side? Personally, my ideal is a man that doesn't feel the need to try to live up to out-dated masculine stereotypes. A man with a bit of a girlier side sounds perfect to me - and i'm not a lesbian!

Wow, blingaru, I wish I'd met you before I met my wife! If I seem to care about my appearance, watch movies that don't involve decapitations or - Heaven forbid - I pet my cat for more than two seconds she openly questions my sexuality. The exact problem that Just Curious wrote about happened in "Notting Hill," which is another movie I'm not allowed to watch. Hugh Grant's character uttered those very words and it was only part of his personality. Julia Roberts' character never though it was anything except a meaningless (albeit funny) quirk.

Wow Amy, once again showing the world how bigoted you are. Just for the record, women who like "girly" men aren't all lesbians. Some women prefer that kind of man over a big hairy pig. Furthermore, "lesbians" have many preferences within that range, some like girly girls, some like butch women. Then there are women like me who prefer androgeny, doesn't really matter which gender, as long as I'm kept guessing.

Now please take your stereotypes and shove them.... well, you know where to shove them.

Hey Jeff, it sounds as though you've already watched "Notting Hill" (I haven't) but go back and look at what you wrote: "I'm not allowed to watch" What did you do? Marry your mother? Did you marry her because you like being told what you can and can't do? I'm mentioning it because long before I made the mistake of marrying my ex, he was complaining to me about how his ex-wife "made" him clean the stove with a toothbrush. Giant red flag! When people marry people who "make" them do things or "don't allow them" to do things, they either really like being the victim or something else is seriously wrong.

To Social Butterfly... Hand your boyfriend a digital camera and tell him to take pictures of you and the party. His introvert nature can hide behind the camera, and yet still have him participate. Hopefully, he'll start to get to know your friends and feel more comfortable.

If he can't even do that, then I think it's best you move on and find somebody you're more socially compatible with. You'll want somebody you can share your life with, not divide your life with.

To Social Butterfly... Hand your boyfriend a digital camera and tell him to take pictures of you and the party. His introvert nature can hide behind the camera, and yet still have him participate. Hopefully, he'll start to get to know your friends and feel more comfortable.

If he can't even do that, then I think it's best you move on and find somebody you're more socially compatible with. You want somebody you can share your life, not divide your life with.

I'm a major introvert and I hate parties, too. I don't mind small gatherings of people I know, but I dislike large crowds of strangers. Unfortunately, I have had extroverts latch onto me and decide they can "fix" me by getting me "out into the world." What they don't realize is that for every hour I spend like that, I need at least two alone to recharge.

LW1 needs to find another extrovert or quit trying to change her boyfriend. I'm surprised he hasn't dumped her already. Thankfully, I married another introvert and we exist quite happily most of the time in separate parts of the house.

As a senior in high school, I was working at a part-time job, hating my classes, gotten dumped by dream guy, (who was stolen away from me by one of my "friends") and was lonely. A well-meaning classmate decided I needed to be rehabilitated and for a week tried to help me. I ran from her like a kitty from Pepe LePew (remember the skunk who was not to be turned down? Bugs Bunny, Roadrunner, ringing a bell?) and thank God she backed off after that. I just needed sleep and a good hobby.

It's the people who mean well that can do the most damage. One of the mothers I met in a Mommies group asked me to go shopping with her and I thought, Oh this will be fun. No, no, no. I am still friends with this other mother, but when she picked up a pair of shorts and yelled over to me, "THESE WILL MAKE YOUR BUTT LOOK SO MUCH SMALLER!" I decided right then and there to NEVER shop with her again.

It's taken me twenty years at least to stand up for myself and say I yam what I yam. Don't try to change my sociability, my appearance or my mind. I'll hide from you forever.