MP3's A Crowd I've been dating a girl for two months, and I go back and forth from thinking the relationship has legs to wanting to end it. I just had a birthday, and she got me a new iPod Touch with my name engraved on the back. I told her it was too …Read more. Under New Anger Management When my boyfriend and I started dating, he was kind of a hothead. His first encounter with my friends was a game of touch football on the beach. He and another guy collided, and he lost his temper. There was a good bit of yelling, and I think …Read more. I'm With Stupor A close friend has a drinking problem. His wife kicked him out, he lost his job, and he's been a lousy father to their 1-year-old son. He begged to stay with me (his only single friend) and has been sleeping on my couch for months. Despite my …Read more. Empty Shelly My girlfriend of a year is really pretty and sweet, and we love all the same outdoor activities. However, I feel there's a ceiling on our connection because she lacks a strong personality of her own. Whenever we discuss something to do, she defers …Read more.more articles
The Call Of Doodie and Silent Knight
Loved your response to the bored-out-of-their-gourds parents of the 1-year-old. I'm three months pregnant and a little worried in the wake of a recent dinner party. There were four sets of new parents there, and all the wives seemed to resent the hell out of their husbands. The husbands, predictably, seemed defensive and angry in response. My husband and I have a really great partnership, and I'd like to keep it that way. Are there things we can do to avoid the parental hate stage, or...fret, fret...is it an inevitability that comes with the stress of having a child? —Baby On Board
Today's marriage is reportedly a more equal partnership. For a lot of couples who become parents, here's how that works: The woman blimps out for nine months, spends hours and hours in agony squeezing a huge thing out an extremely small opening, and then becomes a 24-hour milk dispenser and poo-slave for the better part of a year. The man holds her hand and says "You can do it, honey!" while she's in labor, helps name the kid, and then, when friends come over to watch the World Series, picks it up and says, "Look what we made!"
Trophy dads aside, if there's one area of parenting that breeds eye-daggers of wifely resentment, it's unequal sleeplessness. Yeah, I know, according to The Beatles, "love is all you need," but they forgot the small print: This is only true of people who are not suffering from sleep deprivation, which, by the way, is not only a necessity for tending to one's newborn but a form of torture banned by the Geneva Conventions.
Sure, there are certain biological problems with sharing the nightly feeding duties. But, just because the booby with the drinks in it is on only one of you doesn't mean there can't be catering. In other words, Daddy can bottle-feed if mommy breast pumps, and nothing's stopping him from diaper-changing. What matters is that Mommy and Daddy are going halfsies on sleeplessness. As a happily married male friend with a new baby puts it, it's essential to "scrupulously share" wakeup duty, or a wife who used to look lovingly at her sleeping spouse may begin calculating how much jail time she'd get for smothering him with a pillow.
During daylight hours, a little time off for the stay-at-home mom, even for 20 minutes after Dad comes home, is a huge relief, as are playdates — one night a week for her to go out with friends and be a person instead of a big udder. Just a little alleviation goes a long way in showing that a husband doesn't think women have babies and men have babies as props — to parade around Starbucks in a BabyBjorn, making all the hot girls coo, and then hand back to Mom until the kid's old enough to be interesting: "Hey, little man, Daddy's gotta read the newspaper and putter around the garage for six or seven years. Let's talk when you're big enough to throw a ball around."
I'm thinking I should wait until after Christmas to break up with my girlfriend of two years. She is planning on accompanying me to my family's for the holidays and otherwise has no place to go. (I'm picturing her home alone, maybe calling her stepbrother she talks to once a year.) —Not Jolly
When your thought is "I think we should start seeing other people," it isn't supposed to mean making your girlfriend spend a week with your grandma and 62 of your closest relatives.
Just think how what you're suggesting could play out. In the weeks before Christmas, she'll likely sense that something's not quite right. She'll gnaw endlessly on this with her girlfriends, and they'll come up with the perfect solution...Santa lingerie! When you finally end it, she'll likely drag out of you that you weren't really feelin' it — starting around Halloween. So, besides the painful emotions that accompany any breakup, you'll be giving her the gift of humiliation as she replays the mental video of herself prancing around in a Santa hat and jingle bell pasties...on what turned out to be the biggest chopping day of the year.
Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave., #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com). Alkon is the author of "I See Rude People: One Woman's Battle To Beat Some Manners Into Impolite Society."
COPYRIGHT 2012 AMY ALKON
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It’s Amy Alkon’s Advice Goddess Radio -- “Nerd your way to a better life!” with the best brains in science solving your love, dating sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday -- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/ -- 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. Call-in during the show: 347-326-9761 (NYC area code).